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In which John has a love-hate relationship with The Gaulden Child.

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I just want to point out the height difference between the Gaulden Child and a normal person. Um, the Gaulden Child, does he not look six years old? Like, look at his face right now. Can you not see him as, like, a first grader who has been given an AFC Wimbledon kit and some very nice shoes and told that he can go play professional football.

I just think we put so much pressure on romance that it becomes sort of stifling in a way. Oh, speaking of stifling, you've got to finish Gaulden Child! That probably fell to the wrong head as he is four feet ten inches tall and eleven years old.

Gaulden Child. Gaulden Child. Oh, the Gaulden Child he was, yes! He was fouled! I agree, sir.

And then the Gaulden Child had a great opportunity but he's only seven years old so sometimes he can't close those out. I mean, just, he's only in second grade for God's sakes, you know. I mean it's hard, it's hard out there for a second grader playing with full grown men.

The Gaulden Child, ah, he's just, he's very tired. He's just, like, "Daddy. Daddy, can I please stop playing now?" I'm like "Go back to working!"

Don't worry, the Gaulden Child is gonna settle on the ball and he's gonna find a way to score because he, look at him. Oh, it's half time.

Huh. And now suddenly it's on because the Gaulden Child... Nope, dispossessed. He's so little. He's only nine. It's hard to play with these big guys.

The Gaulden Child is in the middle but he's a tiny, tiny man!

And, I don't know, maybe the Gaulden Child? What do you think Meredith? We like the Gaulden Child. He's talented, he's beautiful, sort of flawless.

I think that might have been the Gaulden Child. No, it's Mose Vestergaard, he's only seventeen years old. He would be our youngest player if the Gaulden Child weren't twelve.

Gaulden Child, on the other hand, you are struggling. I don't, I don't like the way his upper lip works. Is that a bad thing to say? Is that objectifying him?

Look at the little Gaulden Child, Meredith. Look at him go. That kid, he's just, he's all muscle and he's all speed.

And, uh, we're gonna take off the Gaulden Child, he's been struggling all game, there's no two ways about it.

The Gaulden Child! That's it. That's it Gaulden Child. You don't get to play anymore buddy. That was disheartening to see. I like to see a little more guts from him and he knows that, he knows that he's still young, he's only nine years old, so he knows that if he doesn't play well he's gonna come right off.

Gaulden Child! Oh God, it's saved, of course. Gaulden Child doesn't put a lot of, doesn't put a lot of energy behind a lot of his shots. It's a frustration for me.

Oh, that's a nice ball but unfortunately you were passing to a sixteen year old and he's not as, not as quick as you'd like.

God! Gaulden Child!

What can't I stand in people? I can't stand in people when they miss an open freaking goal just because they're nine years old they don't know how to finish yet.

Then the Gaulden Child tried to head it in from outside the box. That probably wasn't going to work. Let's be realistic here.

See him? See him? Ooooh! The Gaulden Child! The Gaulden Child! He's only three feet tall but in the last minute, with a diving header, the eight year old Gaulden Child beats the keeper to the ball near post and I love being alive!