Good morning, Hank; it's Sunday; it's news day. And I'm in an airport! Yay!

So Hank, a couple days ago, I was talking to a nerdfighter named Naomi and she said that we should bring back the Evil Baby Orphanage and I was like, "I don't know, maybe the world doesn't need an Evil Baby Orphanage," and then North Korea launched a long-range missile into the ocean. Hank, it's time to bring back the Evil Baby Orphanage.

So, as you know the Evil Baby Orphanage is a fairly straightforward idea that was invented almost two years ago by a nerdfighter named Brooke as a way of resolving an argument that nerdfighters were having over whether or not we should go back in time and kill the evil baby Hitler.

Brooke came up with a compromise solution in which we would go back in time, kidnap evil baby Hitler, and then take him to the Evil Baby Orphanage, which would be a school designed explicitly for evil babies in, like, Tibet or something.

Well, Hank, I don't need to tell you how good an idea the Evil Baby Orphanage is. The problem, in the end, wasn't that we found it difficult to build a time machine; the problem was that you and I had a profound disagreement over the nature of time travel paradoxes... a disagreement which continues to this day. But, Hank, I think it's time for us to put aside our petty squabble, because the world needs an Evil Baby Orphanage!

Now, Hank, I know that it's tempting to say that North Korea launching a rocket into the ocean isn't particularly impressive — I could launch a rocket into the ocean if I wanted to — but, Hank, there are a couple of important differences between North Korea and me.

First off, I'm not run by a crazy, 68-year-old Korean grandmother named Kim Jong-Il. [aside] What's that? Really? Are you sure? [to camera] Hank, I have some important breaking news: Kim Jong-Il is apparently a dude.

But yeah, so first, I'm not run by a crazy dude, and second, I don't have nuclear weapons. Even though the launch was what is technically known as an epic fail, the international community is still really mad. Even China's mad. It's like when you go completely crazy and all your friends abandon you, except for one friend who kinda stays with you because she's also completely crazy... and then finally, she's like, "Dear, North Korea, I love your totalitarianism and I think you've got an awesome cult of personality, and it's great how you never let people leave your country and you kill your political enemies, but come on. WTF? Best wishes, China."

Now, Hank, I'm not gonna tell you that we need to get Kim Jong-Il into the Evil Baby Orphanage; he's just a fat, crazy dude. We need to get his dead dad, Kim Il-Sung, into the Evil Baby Orphanage so that Kim Jong-Il never exists.

Getting Kim Il-Sung into the Evil Baby Orphanage would save literally millions of lives and restore Korea to a single, unified country. [aside] What, we'd have to build a time machine? That... that shouldn't be a challenge; I mean, nerdfighters do everything that we ask them to do. They ate 317 Peeps for me; you don't think they can build a time machine? Get your head out of your ass.

[to camera] Sorry, Hank, I don't mean to curse, but this guy over here telling me what nerdfighters can't do is really gettin' on my nerves; [aside] I mean, you call me when built a pond sand filter in Bangladesh.

[to camera] Hank, you'll see me on Tuesday.

[singsong] The people in the airport think that I'm crazy. The people in the airport think that I'm crazy.