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Last sync:2022-11-04 13:45
In which Hank performs his deadliest performance yet (OK, it is also his first performance)... but first...he scooches...he scooches like a BOSS.
Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank Green Plays Assassin's Creed Revelation, I just pressed B to start the mission. This is gonna be my deadliest performance yet.

Doorman: Invitation please.

Hank: It's also going to be my first performance. I turned on subtitles by the way.

Doorman: Shall I take your coat sir?

Hank: No, I don't have - I didn't have an invitation, your supposed to stop me, right? Alright, what are we doing? System message, new email received.

Man: Ladies and gentlemen you are requested to kindly find your seats. 

Hank: I'm gonna find a seat. My name is Jeremy Hickenpop and I want to see the opera. I don't have a ticket, there's not gonna be a seat for me.

Man: Good evening sir, this way please.

Hank: I don't have a ticket though. Who said that? Was it you? There's a little dot. Yeah, you want me to sit there? I'd be happy to. I'm scooching in. Um, excuse me, excuse me, pardon my butt, sorry, sorry, my bad, there's no hot water in my apartment so I don't smell too great.

Alright, that was the lamest thing I've ever done in an Assassin's Creed episode, scooching.

Reginald: Evening Haythem.

Hank: The new scooching mechanic is fantastic.

Haythem: Reginald.

Reginald: I can't tell you how happy I was to hear they'd mounted this revival. Gay's best work by far.

Hank: I like your face.

Reginald: Have you seen it before?

Haytham: Once, my father brought me here as a child though I remember little of it. I don't suppose tonight will afford me the luxury of a proper viewing either.

Hank: I like the way you guys talk.

Reginald: No, I'm afraid it won't.

Hank: Somebody forgot to type in the M.

Reginald: Do you see him?

Hank: Do I see who? Oh, I can see everybody because I can push L for eagle vision. Locate the gold target. I don't see, is he up there? Yeah, your up there. Yes, I see him - is it my job to kill him?

Haytham: He's seated in one of the boxes above.

Reginald: The stairs are watched, you'll need to find another way up.

Hank: I can find so many ways up.

Haytham: I already have.

Hank: I don't even need a ladder, I don't know what your talking about. I... find a secluded area to climb and we're gonna get to test the scooching mechanic again.

Haytham: A thousand pardons. My apologies.

Hank: I'm so - sit the f down sir. I cursed, I cursed in an episode of hankgames, it's so hard. Animus database, oh it went away - hey, I wanted to read about it. Okay, well, what do I do, where am I going?

Nobody's gonna see me doing this? That seems unlikely, but I guess everybody's distracted. Hey, I'm just gonna be here. Are you guys having a good time? Yeah you are. Yeah.

Oh, there's this little green dot, it's telling me where to go. Thanks little green dot. It's like Navi but Assassin's Creed. You guys, there's a lot of open seats in this place.

It won't let me go that way, fine, I won't go that way even though I totally could. Alright, nobody noticed. Unlikely. Am I backstage? Alright, pick lock. When was the last time I picked a lock. Rotate L to locate and hold the tension angle. Okay, R to hold the raking angle. RT - what is this? Okay, that was cool I guess.

What's the other game I used to pick locks in? Splinter Cell? Was it Splinter Cell? I love Splinter Cell. What? Find a way across the stage. Okay. Oh, that didn't work as well as I thought it would have. The little green dot mislead me, it said it would be okay.

Actor: I've got a bit of stage fright!

Actress: A little Dutch courage will put a bloom in your cheek.

Hank: Oh, what, some Dutch courage. Tell me more about this Dutch courage. The Beggars Opera. Um, I would but I'm trying to be entertaining here so - oh, again! Why do you keep grabbing onto objects of... astronomical significance before crashing to the ground.

Alright, yep, good job everybody. Hey, what's up gold man? Um, I got you this sword for your ear. Sic semper tyrannis? Just, you know. Resident. Opera house.

Gold man: Haytham. You should have come to me, we would have found another way.

Haytham: Yes, but then you would have known. For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Gold man: As am I.

Hank: I'm out of batteries, I'm out of batteries! This is the worst possible time to be out of batteries! Oh my God! Oh my God, I'm out of batteries. Oh jeez, where's my batteries? Oh God. This is the worst possible time! Ah, there's only one! There's only one battery! I only have one! Where's my other controller? Oh my God where's my - seriously. There it is, there it is, there it is. It has batteries, it does. X, X, yes! Everything's okay, everything's alright everybody. Oh this little kid watched me do it. Thanks for this disk.

Why are - what are you doing here child? Seriously, what is the little beggar boy, maybe he's not, maybe he's like an usher or something, helper friend.

Everybody saw me. A bunch of people saw you dude, you gotta... give me trouble. Well that was, that was terrible, I just let that guy wait there, sweating before I stabbed him for like thirty seconds.

Uh, I'm gonna start walking slightly faster if that's okay. Everybody, yeah good job tackling that guy. My name is nobody. I'm pushing people, push them out the way. Excuse me, pardon me. Pardon me, again, I have forty-five, forty-two, forty meters to get to the place. 

How does everybody even know that anything happened, there was just one person screaming, people scream all the time. Excuse me, pat pat pat pat pat pat pat. Thanks.

Wow, your arm just did something funny lady. Oh, bless you, I have a cough too. Hey! Ugh, the shoving, no the shoving. No the shoving! You're so shovey lady. I would walk faster if I could but it literally will not let me.

Wow, so many people. I have no idea why I killed that guy even, why did I do that? Alright, I'm out, it was - that was a really long time to walk around. Sic semper tyrannis. 

Random man: And how was the opera?

Haytham: Rather dull, truth be told.

Hank: I've got a bunch of blood on my arm blade.

Random man: Shall we be off then?

Haytham: Aye. To fleet and Bride.

Random man: By your command.

Hank: What have you got? What've you got? Is this some piece of ancient technology? It's an ouroboros! I say it like that because of Fullmetal Alchemist.

Man: Fascinating. Gentlemen, I hold in my hand a key and if this book is to be believed, it will open the doors of a store house built by those who came before.

Hank: Oh, those who came before.

Haytham: Ah yes, those who ruled, reigned and then vanished from the world. Do we know what it is that would be held within?

Hank: Are you being sarcastic because I don't believe him either.

Man: It could contain certain knowledge. Perhaps a weapon or something as yet unknown, unfathomable in its construction and purpose.

Hank: even though I've seen proof of them in the Universe.

Man: It could be any of these things, or none of them.

Hank: That's useful information.

Man: They are still an enigma, these precursors, but of one thing I am certain - whatever waits behinds those doors shall prove a great boon to us all.

Hank: I don't want a great boon.

Haytham: Or our enemies, should they find it first.

Man: They won't - you've seen to that.

Haytham: I assume you know where this store house is.

Man: Ah, Mr Harrison.

Mr Harrison: Gentlemen.

Man: How fare your calculations?

Mr Harrison: I believe the site lies somewhere within this region.

Haytham: That's a lot of ground to cover.

Mr Harrison: My apologies, were that I could be more accurate.

Hank: He didn't even indicate a region, he just sort of waved his hand at the map.

Man: That's alright, it suffices for a start. That is why we called you in, Master Kenway. We'd like for you to travel to America, locate the store house and take possession of it's contents.

Hank: K.

Haytham: I am yours to command, although a job of this magnitude will require more than just myself.

Man: Of course.

Hank: There's lots of Americans in America.

Man: Upon this paper are the names of five men who are sympathetic to our cause. Each is also uniquely suited to aid you in your endeavor.

Hank: Is Benjamin Franklin on there? No, he isn't

Man: With them on your side you will want for nothing.

Haytham: Well, then I'd best be on my way.

Man: I knew our faith in you was not misplaced. We've booked you passage to Boston. Your ship leaves at dawn. Go forth Haytham and bring honor to us all.

Hank: K. *cough* sorry *cough* I'm coughing so much, my bad. Mission completed. Full synchronization. Okay, good job me. Starlight, star bright, turn on the magic oh shining lights. No, light bright, that's the light bright song. Starlight, star bright? Turn on the hah. Oh goodness gracious.

I should end the episode right now but I can't because look, it's the Atlantic Ocean. Sing your sea shanties! Haul on the bowline, haul on the bowline. Haul on the bowline, the bowline haul.

Haytham: Some fresh air might do me good.

Hank: I learned this song just this year at a conference, we were singing sea shanties. Why not? I think we should sing sea shanties more often. Oh, let's read about the providence. Oh, did I miss it? I missed it. You gotta be quick with that animus information. I totally missed it.

Anyway, okay, we're gonna end this episode here. I'm on a boat hauling on the bowline, the bowline haul. You will not see me and I will not see you but you will hear me next time. This is apparently my quarters which are not very nice but you know, that's life. 

Uh, yup, okay that's all. Goodbye.