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In which Hank plays a video game w00t!
I am starting, right now, to play Assassin's Creed Brotherhood. And hopefully, you can hear me well and you can hear this TV well, because I am somewhat new to this game... of playing games... game playing on ga-- the game of ga-- Ok, I don't need help. Yes, I get-- I-- yes.

Is this the loading screen? I wish that they would at least have a loading bar if it was a loading screen. Press Start. It's beautiful, it's my favorite, I love the... the beautiful lines of Assassin's Creed.

Logging in. DFTBA is my name, if you were wondering who I am on Xbox Live. I will probably not friend you if you friend me though, because I don't use Xbox Live very often. I apologize.

Oh! Yes. The game came out today. Why is there always an update?! OK. I'll take this part out.

I'm doing this. Yes. Signed in! Hooray! UBISOFT. Excellent, moving, let's do this thing! Where's my remote control, I can hardly hear. Oh, we're doing this again. Great. Good, good, good, good.

OK. OK. OK. I'm probably gonna get rid of Xbox Live. I have to be honest here: Xbox Live not doing it really for me anymore. It's kind of... The price is going up, and all I use it for is Netflix anymore, so I'm just gonna get a Roku or a Boxee or something like that. Yeah, yeah, I know, I can do more stuff if I want to do more stuff.


Story Mode! Story Mode is what I want. Session, I have to name my session. What should I name it? I'll name it DFTBA! That sounds fantastic. I like it when it's fast!

Oh! We're going back in time. No, no no-one expected that, Desmond. I don't- I didn't expect it. It happened to be... that looks like a really uncomfortable place to lie down. They should've padded the Animus. I don't know why they didn't do that.

Yes! They're in the business of control, that's why we've never heard of them. They want to control us, without ever... ever actually talking to us. Yes, the assassins are the good guys, get- get used to it! You- Desmond? You were born into the Brotherhood? That's just... uh, it doesn't look comfortable. Yes, it's called an Animus, and it's called... Katie Bell! Not Katie Bell, Kristen Bell! I looked it up, she's Kriste- Katie Bell's from Harry Potter. Kristen Bell...

Altaïr... I lo- I think I liked Altaïr better. I think I liked him better than I like Ezio. Just seemed... more awesome.
Evil egg!

Yeah, that just... I didn't get this. I don't remember, it was very deep. They deci- they did? Katie Bell! Kristen. I'm just gonna call her Katie Bell. Be- yeah! Kick, uh, the punching in the face and the bleeding!

No, I got put in a trunk. Then I got put in a trunk. An Animus with padding on it! Excellent. Red leather padding. Animus 2.0.

Yes, Ezio. Ezio with the punching and the swording. Real life assassins! That thing! The giant Animus room. Way to many cubic feet.

Dickhead! Kristen!
My name is Desmond Miles! That's weird- that's a weird- that's a weird coincidence. Me and Desmond. Same names.

That was it! That was the intro, now we get... things. Hello, things! Okay, is this, this is the loading screen. Why doesn't it say 'loading' anymore? I wanna know when it's a loading scr- do I get straight into battle? That would be awesome. If there was no, like, 'learn how to play'... of course there's gonna be that.

Yes! Fun, cut scenes! Can I play? I would like to play. No, I just- I mean I don't mind, this is pretty and everything, but I did buy a video game to play a video game.

I will put my spike in your brain, that's my whole point! That's what I like! X? X? More X? More X? X, X, X, X, X? Oh, did I do it? Did I do it? I don't know I wasn't- I wasn't paying attention, I didn't know I was supposed to doing things, I thought I was watching a movie. Did I do it? Did I do it? My controller vibrated...

Oh, Ezio, you don't look so good. You've got the scars... I don't remember getting that, but... you know, maybe somebody else playing did. That wasn't me. Somebody else.

And the whiteness. Because everyone has to be like- that was an achievement? I got an achievement for watching a cut scene. Okay, I'll take, I'll take the damn points.

Who's talking, is that headphone girl? Headphone girl. I can't control anything. Clicky clicky clicky. Uh, yeah, she has to get back to me. Why- you know, I liked it back in the days when there was just a bar that loaded up. Instead of all of this.

Oh! He- what? Huh? Who are-? Funny lady. You have funny clothes. Funny eyes. Desmond? That's me, I'm Desmond, why am I dressed like that? Who is- oh. Ah, right right right. That was confusing. Why are you speaking English, for example? Who is Desmond? Why do I speak English? Why does- why do you speak English to me?

I'm in the Vatican. 1499. Yeah, tonight we're gonna party like it's 1499.

What is this? What does it mean? Is it constellations? Where do the things go? Where am I going? Fast walk? Can I walk fast? Not very fast. Ezio Auditore has yet to learn how to- how to run, so he must walk very slowly. I controlled him though, that was- that was good.

Uh, the Pope was here, but he- he vanished. Was it the Pope? It wasn't the Pope, it was someone else. Did I kill him or did he just vanish? Right, the staff. I'm remembering all of this now. I'm re- this thing was very im- yes, grab, and, no, it's stuck. It's- sword and the stone. We need Arthur. Arthur! Where's Arthur? Hello?

Why don't you just jump in after it? Jump in after it. That would've been a bad idea. That would've been a bad idea. You were right not to do it.

What? Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat? Am I sinking or are the walls going up? I don't know, I don't know which it is. I don- I can't tell. My controller's vibrating like crazy. And they're coming in! Get in one of the... oooh no. Ezio, you weren't paying attention at all, you are so stuck now. I- oh oh. Who's this?

What? Huh? What? Did you put me- did you trap me? Did you do this on purpose? You're giving me a rope. I'll climb up your hair if I have to, Uncle!

Uh, I guess I- I am, after all, oh, no.

Y for Eagle Vision... Follow the highlighted path. Highlighted... Highlighted, oh, excellent, excellent. Yes, I know how to move. Ah, I see, we are now doing that thing where we are learning how to play.
Oh! Ohoh, and apparently we forgot how to play. Okay. Oh, I jumped off the thing. Oh, ooh, did I do it again? Nope? Yep, okay good.

Get the jumping! Where- wait... I don't... Tooo the left! To the left. To the front! To the front! To the si- what? Move... LS... while climbing. To the si- to the front. To the front. Now dip, baby, dip, dip, baby, dip, come on now, dip, baby, dip.

That is a nice outfit! I love it. You expect a Porsche? I- I don't think those exist yet, Mario. I- I don't think I can get you a Porsche. If you come to Desmond's time I'll get you a Porsche. Maybe Katie Bell can-

Wait, what's- there's this way, I could go this way. Why can't I walk fast? You are SO slow, why does the game always start out frustratingly slow? Somebody... There has to be a reason for that. Why when you start playing games, there's never a- like you always have to start out without the ability to run.

I'll kill you! Oh, come on, you have no idea. There's a person in my head, I just got spoken to by a goddess, so... uh, screw you. Are you gonna give me a hard time?

Oh I have to, oh I'm learning Gentle Push. Well, my friend does not know Gentle Push, and he is giving me a- yeah, that. Mario, Mario, you need to learn Gentle Push! Okay. I need to learn Run, apparently. Oh no, I got it, I got it, I just wasn't holding down all the right buttons. I can run now! I can run now! Never mind.

I'm fine. Who else should I kill? Do I get one of these people? Oh, whoa, sorry, funny hats. Sorry, funny hats. Oh, I shoved a funny hat, I'm not sorry anymore.

What? Whoa, ah! Here we go. Out into the, oh geez! Nobody told me that I was gonna have to fight. Oh yes, I remember this. I remember this. Ohohoh, you have a- you have a sword in your heart. Oh, I'm sorry. Ooh, in your head! That one was in your head. Okay, so now you know. Don't mess with me. I will totally put my sword in your head. Oh, I liked you. I'm just gonna attack you because I'm tired of waiting. And you! Your turn. You want to die? What about your friend? Which one of you wants to die first? Oh, you. It was you. Okay. That's fine with me. Okay, n- oh, oh, I carved- and in the neck, that was neck, it was a neck. Oh, I just stabbed him in the back. No problem, got it!

Where we going? Anybody else wanna fight me? I'm good on fighting. Let's, let's do this thing.

I probably should pause here and stop, because this is already a minute forty- 11.45. And that is long. Because it takes a long time to upload these and process them and stuff, so I need to keep them in fairly small chunks.

But that was me, playing Assassin's Creed so far! And I will pick up, shortly, and you were get to watch me more, playing Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, and... pretending to be Toby Turner, because that- everyone wants to be Toby Turner.

Whiteness, redness, darkness, boop. And et cetera.

Um, uh, yes, so we'll pick up soon, and I will see you then.