YouTube: https://youtube.com/watch?v=8gDVwo1hA-U
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View count:293,246
Likes:9,692
Dislikes:155
Comments:849
Duration:06:12
Uploaded:2016-01-28
Last sync:2018-11-20 12:40
Linked videos:
More on Mating & Monogamy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86IaVbuV97k

Monogamy
https://youtu.be/uH_rIT0juiM

Marriage Is What Bwings Us Togevah Today
https://youtu.be/wnmQsr0hczU

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Lindsey: This is Hank Green - The producer of Sexplanations, leader of nerd culture, a godfather of YouTube, and a monogamist.

Hank: I am... I am at least two of those things. Although, I try to be modest in public. In private, I'm not modest at all.

Lindsey: Yeah, and then you climb in the sex swing, you totally know what you're doing.

Hank: I did, if you follow me on Snapchat, you maybe got to see me in the sex swing. Hankgre! Don't miss any chance to publicize your Snapchat. ever.

Lindsey: I don't have one.

Hank: *gasps*  You want to talk to me about monogamy.

Lindsey: Yes. I want to know how you came to identify as a monogamist.

Hank: I have always been kind of a norm follower. I guess there are times when I feel like I'm not cut out for the thing I'm expected to do - but that was never the case with monogamy.

Lindsey: Ooh, so you feel like you're cut out for monogamy.

Hank: Yeah.

Lindsey: What makes a person cut out for monogamy in your opinion?

Hank: I like enjoying it? Like appreciating it for all of its various things? And whether that's as simple as like watching my friends date and being like "that looks hard, and annoying" or you know really just enjoying an evening alone with my wife, and my dog and my cat, having this person who knows everything there is to know about me, knowing everything there is to know about them, and really liking each other and not being annoyed by each other (for the most part). That's like, I feel like, the key to a really successful romantic relationship - is Finding someone who doesn't annoy you. She's at home being like "oh wow, you annoy me."

Lindsey: So, what does monogamy mean to you?

Hank: Having a relationship in which you only love and have sex with one person. I guess beyond have sex with also like, you know, have romantic relationship with.

Lindsey: So "single romance."

Hank: Yep. Single romance.

Lindsey: What do you want people to know about monogamy?

Hank: That it's more than about just you and your partner. You know, let people into that. It's really important, has been really important to me, to have support outside of my marriage for my marriage. I mean both of our parents are still married. That's really nice because you can ask advice of someone who's done it for longer than you. I have a brother who is also married, and they have been married around the exact same amount of time as us, so it's more like asking people-- it's also nice to have people to talk to who have... 

Lindsey: peers?

Hank: ...that same amount of experience. And then I have a lot of friends who are married. And I also really, I like to be able to help friends with, you know, any issues that they're having as well. In a way talking about other people's problems helps you understand your own.

Lindsey: Can you share a memory of your experience with monogamy?

Hank: We were going to go over to a friend's house. Oh, this was New Years, and then we realized that if we went to our friend's house that we would have to drive home and so only one of us could get wasted, and that was just unacceptable. So, instead, we just got wasted by ourselves, and listened to hip hop music, and did dub-smash videos and that was like that was one of my favorite memories from this year.

Lindsey: It's like the first memory of the year!

Hank: I guess yes, yeah that was yeah. So, my-- favorite memories of maybe my marriage. One of my favorite things and this doesn't happen all the time, is just like sitting in bed and talking. About like hard stuff or like the world or you know our past.

Lindsey: Do you feel like you renegotiate monogamy? or is it just standard default?

Hank: I feel like every anniversary, I like to write down the reasons why I'm glad I'm married to Katherine and give that to her. Try to do that anyways, which was really helpful for me too, because it's like "oh yeah, all this stuff that's really nice in my life."

Lindsey: Under what conditions would you consider non-monogamy?

Hank: Um, I mean, I would... uh, divorce? Like... is that what you mean?

Lindsey: Uh, for me what comes to mind are things like "my partner is not able or does not want to have sex, and I want that as a healthy part of a relationship, and so I still want this partnership and...." or "we negotiated these terms," or...

Hank: Yeah, that's very outside of my current experience, so it's very hard to say. 

Lindsey: Even outside of sexually, there hasn't been a conversation around conditions in which you would be non-monogamous?

Hank: No.

Lindsey: That's hard-core monogamy.

Hank: Well, like the "guilt-free three" thing?

Lindsey: What's the "guilt-free three?"

Hank: The guilt free three - like that's the three people that if you have the opportunity to have sex with then....

Lindsey: Oh! "Hall Passes"

Hank: Yeah... we... we don't have one of those. You know.

Lindsey: As in there will be guilt.

Hank:  Yes. Well I mean-

Lindsey: "Don't you dare"

Hank: There would definitely be... even if there was a guilt-free three, there would be guilt. If I have like a dream about another girl, I feel guilty. In the dream, I'll be like "I can't do this. I have to go!" like "why did I get in this situation?"

Lindsey: What advice would you give to people about monogamy?

Hank: I think that the longer you know someone the easier it is to think that you know what they think all the time - and that leads to really bad communication. When you're like "I know-- I already know how you feel about this, so I'm not even going to ask."

Lindsey: Hank, that's brilliant! You're so self-aware.

Hank: So that's the thing that I try to notice when it's being done to me, try notice when I'm doing it to Katherine. Uh, it's actually much easier to notice when it's being done to you, than to notice when you're doing it.

Lindsey: So how do you call it out?

Hank: Um... carefully? And not at the moment when I am annoyed? So like it's like... set an alarm for 6 hours and then talk about it then.

Lindsey: That's how Hank Green made therapist! This is great!

Lindsey: Well, thank you Hank, for coming to my red couch and talking with me about monogamy.

Hank: You're Welcome. This was fun.

Lindsey: Good, I'm glad, and if you want to see more of his content and more of his thoughts on monogamy, we've got some links.

Hank: I don't think I talk about monogamy anywhere else. I guess I did! I made a video on monogamy once!

Lindsey: Yeah!

Hank: Yeah.

Lindsey: Stay Curious!

Hank: Stay Curious.

Lindsey: Ok, what about lingo?

Hank: Lingo?

Lindsey: Yep, any monogamy-specific lingo?

Hank: Um, I say Katherine is my "wife," I say we are "married." I don't say "partner." 

Lindsey: or "S.O."

Hank: I don't say "S.O." I don't say "person I have sex with" which is how you introduced your boyfriend to me once.

Lindsey: Yep! I did that!