Hello, and welcome to Hankgames Without Hank and to the league-one playoffs, where our dreams have materialized, ladies and gentlemen. We are playing the team that shall not be named, the team that took away Wimbledon - uh - Wimbledon, uh - took away our team, uh, then we had to have tryouts on Wimbledon Common to restart from the very bottom of non-league football. We got promoted, promoted, promoted, promoted, promoted, promoted - it only took nine years for us to get back to the football league, and here we are, ladies and gentlemen.

Our ginger referee, Derek Milborrow; our ginger captain, John Green; his beautiful bald husband, John Green, starting up front. The franchise - uh, I'm gonna try not to say their name today - uh, will be starting all of these guys...uh, it's a home-and-away thing. So we play one game, uh, against them at home, one game against them on the road, and then the winner of those - the combined winner of the score, the composite score - I'm so bad - I'm so nervous. Oh, God.

Okay, we've got Ozéia and, uh, and That's A Moura in the back, Seb Brown in goal, of course, uh, John Green and John Green up front, teammates in life and in love.

Uh, in the locker room before the game, um, we talked about all of the own goals that Seb Brown gave up to, uh - it really ruined - you know, it ruined him for being an attractive goalkeeper from a, you know, pay perspective. Like, he's never gonna get a job with another team 'cause - you know, statistically, he's one of the worst goalkeepers in the history of the world. He gave up, like, 30 goals in five games. But he did it for this, this was a moment where - where we, as a club, collectively decided that we were going to take this risk, take this risk of another year in league one because we can't stomach the idea of the thieving franchise becoming a - oh, God - becoming a - a team in the championship when it was possible for us to stop them.

So we are gonna stop them- oh, that's not- oh, am I seriously gonna get a yellow card for playing- okay, thank you, yes! Because I- that's just part of the game, okay? Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. We don't like these guys! Okay? But that's part of the game, that was- that was hardly even a foul. Alright, No goal here. Don't give up a goal! Everything worked out better than expected. Seb had it covered.

So um, we're gonna have to find a way to- we're gonna have to find a way to score some goals. Um, we've certainly got the offense of fire power for it, and I'll tell you what, you're never gonna meet a team with more heart! I was so impressed with these guys in the locker room before the game. They just- they want this so bad. This matters to them. They know how much it matters to you. Um, you know, they know that this was a bit of a Gatsby and tilting at windmill's dream, but we believe that we can accomplish it. We believe that together we can achieve both promotion and ensure that this team that frankly does not deserve to exist, that is not even a real thing, that they will not- oh come on boys, come on!

The truth is that our ignoble opposition is enjoying the majority of the ball right now, but life is long and the arc of history bends towards justice, so we have to assume that it's going to be fine. Oh, that's a nice interception there! Oh, Less More! Tracking back in his role as our hero and talisman, that's- oh no! Oh, Seb Brown, that was not a good pass, Sebby boy. Probably should've hit the X button there, Meredith, I apologize.

By the way! Happy birthday Meredith! Today is Meredith's birthday. What we got you, by the way, it's not technically a physical present, but it is a beating of the MK you-know-whats. Oh, look at that! That's a beauty! That's a beauty! Oh, I love it. Through! Through! Ohhh. Just got caught up, caught up by the scumbags. They found a way to get there. That was a very late tackle.

We are playing with some fire and some clear unambiguous anger right now. And I like it! I like to see it- that was a bad pass, Ya Bamba. You're better than that! You're better than that! Mmm. We're definitely- we're definitely on the back foot here in the first half. But we tend to be a team of two halves, and the truth is, they haven't gotten off a good shot yet. It's thirty two minutes in, it's scoreless, so I mean, we're in relatively good shape. It's just, you know, we're struggling a little bit just to put two passes together. And I think it has to be nerves.

My- because that kind of unnecessary slide tackling, that just shows me that these guys are almost- you know sometimes you get too amped for something? Like before you take the SATS, you're just- you're almost too ready? Um, you've been thinking about it too much, you didn't sleep well the night before because you're just like, I knew it, I knew it was going to happen. And when we drew MK (makes random noises) er, in the playoffs, the first thought we had, you know, I mean, it was just, that's it! The dream came true! Like, this is, this is what we want- oh God. They're just falling all over each other.

This is what we asked for, and we've gotta do a- you know, we've gotta do- now comes the hard part. Like, now we've gotta do our job as a club, and we just- you know, obviously we felt and we feel right now, the pressure of the supporters, you know. You guys mean everything to us and yeah, we feel it. I'm sure you can hear it in my voice right now. I am, I wouldn't say I'm desperate or anything like that, but I am desperate. I'm desperate for a win.

What a ball! What a ball, through to John Green! What a ball, through to John Green! Pass- no! Anything but that! How about a little bit of that X button to the far post and your husband? But I just hit the wrong button, it's my fault. I apologize to my friends. That was a great ball. I think it was from Less More, and it was just a beauty.

And a massive unnecessary slide tackle from Ya Bamba. Ya Bamba has not settled into this game at all. He's feeling- you can tell he's anxious. That's a guy who just loves his club.

Oh, boy. That's nice tracking back there, Kennedy! Oh, he has terrible hair, Meredith, but he did that because he loves you and it's your birthday. Oh, it's not her birthday. It's your birthday in two days? Two days from now is your birthday? I don't underst- oh, 'cause it's on Sunday. It's not a Wimbly Wombly day. Maybe we'll upload a special video for your birthday! Just kidding, we won't. You'll see us on Monday.

Oh man, I can't believe that you guys are gonna have to wait a weekend to find out what happens here. Okay, as you can see, they've had the- most of the possession. Our pass accuracy has been poor. Our shot accuracy has been zero percent, due to the fact that we've had zero shots on goal. But I still believe, I still absolutely unambiguously believe in the AFC Wimbly Womblys. We are a team of destiny! And today we just have to find a way to show it. We just have to find a way, you know. Look, again, this is about two games, so it's not even really about today's result. All today's result can do is set us up for to- the result of the next game. We've gotta remember that. We gotta remember that it's not- this doesn't end today, one way or another. We've got, you know, a couple- we've got an opportunity.

Now, I think some- some- I can hear some murmurings in Wimbly-Wombly-dom, and I've been hearing them for a while, that maybe we shouldn't have intentionally sac- oh no! Oh, God. Seb Brown! Seb. Brown. Maybe we shouldn't have intentionally sacrificed all of those own goals in the insane pursuit of keeping the team currently playing in Milton Keynes from- you know. You know.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Uh. From going up- no! SEBBBBB! Ohhhh. Meredith. Did I ever tell you about the time that Seb Brown saved two penalties against Luton Town to send us into the football league? That was amazing. That was amazing. It was one of the best moments in the history of this club. Matched only by the time that Seb Brown saved two penalties against Manchester City to send us to the FA cup.

Okay! We're gonna make a substitution too. We know how to do that! You're not the only team that knows how to make substitutions. Jerks. We can do that! We make a- we can make a bunch of them at once. Less More's tired. We have a substitute for him! Do we? (sucks air) not really! Alright. Less More, I'm sorry, but you have to stay on because- but we are gonna bring on the Gaulden Child. And we're also gonna bring on- uh, K Sainte-Luce, patron saint of lost crosses, because Francombstein is not... He hasn't really been deeply involved in this game, so. We're gonna make TWO substitutions. How do you like them apples, Milton Keynes?! Hmm?!

Oh man. (sings) Who were you? Who were you? Who were you when you were us? Who were you when you were us? Who were you when you were us? Who were you when you were us? Get through! Ohhhh. Ohhh, it's a bad pass. I should have gone. I should have gone for the lofted cross in that situation. I wanna apologize to my supporters.

Okay, we can do this guys! We can do this. This is still a totally winnable game, by the way. I feel like we've gotten so tight that we've forgotten that we are just as good as these guys. Not on paper! But the game isn't played on paper. Here we go! That's a nice ball! That's a nice ball! Through to the Gaulden Child! Oh, and the Gaulden Child, still on the ball! He's big! Ohhhh, it's a save! I think it went in- I think it went off the post! Ohhhh! Oh, that was everything I could have wanted, and then Bald John Green, oh what a save! What a save at the near post.

We've got a corner! We've got a corner. It's Less More. OH! Oh, it's in the net! It's in the net! It's A Moura! (sings) When the ball hits your head and I don't know the words, that's A Moura! When you score a great goal against rivals you hate, that's A Moura! Beautiful goal! Beautiful goal! What- I mean, and it was all Bald- it was- that was everybody. It was the Gaulden Child, it was- and we're up one nil! Okay!

We have the lead. Now we have to preserve that lead. But remember, this is over the course of two games, but it's very important I think, not to give up a goal here. We just- we wanna make sure we can find a way to preserve our lead, because- I really, I really would like to go into that second game with a bit of a cushion. Just because I think if we do- that was a great steal from the patron saint of lost crosses, and then look at him on the ball! That kid knows how to dribble. That's not a good pass though. Uh, the Gaulden Child! Just went in- that was very aggressive- aggressive tackling, and I liked it! But it didn't work out.

Um, but yeah. I think we just need to go in with a lead to the next game, and then, you know- then a draw will do. And that's gonna allow us to play some Wimbly Wombly football, because, you know... The franchise, our hated rivals, do- they play with a certain amount of possession. Kike, you know, they're more talented than us on paper, and they have better players, far bigger budget, nicer stadium, all that stuff... But- but I think if we sit back and allow, kind of force hem to become the nervous ones in the next game, I feel really good about our chances.

Oh, get there, Bald John Green! Nice pass. What? He was not offside! Just- incorrect! Was there a foul or something? What is the yellow card for? You were naughty! You were very bad! You kicked- you kicked- oh, that's naughty! That wasn't nice, was it? No! No. No, it wasn't, and I don't appreciate that kind of behavior. Classless bastards. Sorry! Sorry, I promised not to curse, but I just... Mmm! Mmm.

Eighty third minute. Holding on to our lead! There's Ya Bamba! There's Ya Bamba! Ya Bamb- ohh! Dispossessed. That's alright, we got the ball. Alright, no hurry on this throw-in, boys. No reason to hurry. Go ahead and make your substitution. In fact, we're gonna go ahead and also make a third substitution, just to kind of keep the er- keep the clock running a bit.

Who shall we take out? I think we just need to make a substitution for whoever's tiredest. That's Less More in this situation. I'm just trying to minimize- it's a crazy choice but we're gonna put in C Arthur. Um, and then we're gonna switch out, yeah I'm gonna do that. Alright. Um. Oh there's a great- that Gaulden Child just set it up so beautifully.

Everybody take our time on the substitutions here. Just- let that clock bleed, it's okay. There we go! Yep! Walk off slow. Mmm hmm! No hurry! Clap clap. Yes. Good job everybody. Aaaand- why is the clock not running? What? Do these people not know that killing time in soccer is one of the great parts of the sport? What did I pass it back for? It's one of my favorite things about soccer!

Oh, man. Okay. Alright! Okay. Yup. Great tackle, by the way. Yup. Yup! Yup, to your husband. Yup. Get up, get up! Show some courage! That's good! That's good! From way outside! Ohhh. John Green couldn't resist the urge to shoot! I think we've all been there. Context is everything.

Um. Oh, come on, come on! Anything but this! Anything but this! Anything but a build-up in the last minute! No! No, no, no, no, noooooooooooo! Noooooooo! Urghhhhh, God. Meredith, sometimes our desire, and this is your tactical decision, I don't wanna lay blame on the assistant coach but, it seems to me that our tactics were off. We weren't prepared. Typical, typical me by the way, to find someone to blame immediately. Oh, it was the last kick of the game! Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. It's a one one draw AND I have to look at Kennedy's horrible hair! Okay. We've just gotta recover and focus on winning the game, our last game against MK Dons. Okay. Everything's gonna be fine! Best wishes!