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Duration:40:26
Uploaded:2020-05-19
Last sync:2020-08-22 06:30
Why have I become nocturnal? How do I write in a book? Where does the phrase "the high seas" come from? Which fruits are breakfast fruits? How do I help my mom appreciate art? How do I deal with negativity on social media? How big would googly eyes need to be to see them on the moon? John Green and Hank Green have answers!

If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at hankandjohn@gmail.com!

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[Dear Hank and John intro music]

Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John!

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

Hank: It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John...

John: Yeah?

Hank: What if I was like, fishing, but for a bunch of dolphins? Would it be a podcast? I don't know...

John: [laughs] That's not that bad.

Hank: [laughs] Except that I don't feel really bad about fishing for dolphins. Seems like you definitely shouldn't do that.

John: Yeah. I was just thinking while you were telling that joke, because I always zone out during your dad joke period...

Hank: Uh-huh. Oh.

John: I was thinkin' about how it's always been ludicrous that this podcast shares all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon, but it's never been more ludicrous than it is right now.

Hank: [laughs]

John: Because it imagines that there is news, right?

Hank: Yeah.

John: Like, that there is news that is not about the only story.

Hank: Right. Well-- indeed. And indeed I think that's probably what we will end up discussing. The thing about sports news is that I always was very skeptical about the entire idea of AFC Wimbledon news, because, like, they don't play year round. And yet, during the times when they aren't playing, there's always something happening? Which just seems not possible to me. But then--then--it turns out to be interesting. So I assume that you can make this work, John.

John: There is some news from AFC Wimbledon this week.

Hank: I just threw a bottle of Coke, an empty bottle of Coke, over my shoulder toward my trash can, and I got it in. And I just wanted to share that with you.

John: Ohh, it's a great feeling.

Hank: It just-- it hit right on. Also, if you hear a noise, like a thunking noise, it's because my backdoor neighbor has set up a CrossFit gym in his garage.

John: [laughs]

Hank: And he opens his garage, and he and his wife--who are lovely people, and very strong people--they do very frequently throw heavy things around, about 10 feet away from where I'm sitting. So just be aware of that.

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John: These days I get most of my exercise in the form of the bicycling video game Zwift, where you pedal on a virtual bicycle and then your little bicycle guy moves inside of the game.

Hank: That sounds-- that sounds great. I get most of my exercise by doing what's called bench press, which is where I take 40-year-old child and I bench press him. So it's not, like, super exerting.

John: I don't think he's 40...

Hank: 40...Did I say 40 year old?

John: You did.

Hank: [laughs] I'm totally-- I'm very-- I'm 100%, all the way here. 40 pound child.

John: I'm also all the way here, 100%. 

Hank: I can't bench a lot, but I can do 40 pounds.

John: Earlier today I was doing Zwift--

Hank: Uh-huh.

John: So you're racing other people, and they're real people, you know?

Hank: Oh, real people.

John: And you want to be able to stay in their draft, because it's a little easier, you can go a little faster if you can stay in their draft.

Hank: Wowww.

John: But there-- everybody's faster than I am. I'm the slowest person on Zwift. There's 35000 regular users, and I'm last.

Hank: [laughs]

John: Like, every time I go up one of the climbs--

Hank: Comin' in 35000, it's John Green!

John: Every time I go up one of the climbs, there'll be, like, "991 people climbed this climb today, and you finished in 979th." That is a true story from today.

Hank: [laughs]

John: And I'm not that out of shape. Like, I'm not a terrible cyclist. It's just the quality of...

Hank: Yeah.

John: I feel competitive against them. And even though I'm like the slowest--I work so hard that--earlier today when I was Zwifting, one of my kids came downstairs, and they were like, "Mom wants to know if you're okay", and I was like "Yeah, I'm fine, what's the problem?" And they were like, "You know, 'cause you're screaming."

Hank: [laughs]

John: And I was like, "I mean, I wouldn't really call it screaming." I was trying to psych myself up, so I was-- was I shouting "come on Green, get it, you can do this, you...blankety-blank"? Yeah.

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