Paul: Sorta mash em' up in a little ball...
(audience laughter)
Storm: He'll be selling little pieces of himself during intermission, by the way. Uhh...how's everybody doing so far? You all right? Hanging in there?
(cheering)
Storm: 'Cause I think there's only about nine more hours left worth of show. Yeah, yeah. But don't pace yourself. We want you to go all out for the next guest.
Paul: That's right. Oh, ah, briefly, we will mention: after our next guest, there will be an intermission during which you may pee.
Storm: Not at the tables--
Paul: --No!
Storm: --There's a room that's sort of off to the side for that.
Paul: It's the bar. Um, but you can also purchase --all of us have merchandise for sale, uh, in the back, and we heartily encourage you to give us money for said cheap merchandise. Um...but before we get to that intermission, it is time for our next act!
Storm: It certainly is.
Paul: Um, speaking for myself, I was kind of woefully ignorant of our next performer for far too long.
Storm: Well, it took you long enough to find YouTube. That's the problem.
Paul: I know, it's fascinating. Wait, get this: people can make videos...
(laughter)
Paul: ...and then, wait, I know that's cool enough already, right? And then they can load them up on the Internets
(What's the Internet?)
Paul: It's this magical place inside your little computer box and then, like, other people can watch those videos.
Storm: And the best part is, those people can then --there's like a space where you can tell the video artist that their work is gay.
Paul: Yeah!
(cheering)
Paul: What did we ever do before this technology?
Storm: Amazing.
Paul: You had to walk up to someone and say, "Your stuff is gay."
Storm: Technology has taken care of that middle process. Instant gay. Which is my George Michael cover band.
(cheering)
Paul: I, myself, would've gone with "Culture Club." I thought it was a little too--
Storm: --yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so--
Paul: --do the George Michael (?), but you know, you can't ah, you can't live in the past. Which is the name of my...?
Storm: Yeah, you opened that can.
Paul: Oh!
Storm: I was going over George Michael alternatives
Paul: Yeah, no, well, "You can't live in the past" is the name of my Styx cover band, how's that?
Storm: Sure.
(scattered cheering)
Paul: Shut up, young people. That was funny.
(laughter)
Storm: Which is my Justin Bieber cover band.
(laughter and cheering)
Paul: I knew there was a reason I keep you around.
Storm: Still not sure why, but I'll take it.
Paul: Anyway, our next performer: I sure as hell am aware of him know. He, along with his brother, basically runs like an Internet-based empire. You may have heard of them as the Vlogbrothers
(cheering)
Paul: You may be familiar with their work, founding and running DFTBA Records
(more cheering)
Paul: You may be familiar with the term "Nerdfighters."
(and more cheering)
Paul: Now we know just how many people are here to see us versus him.
Storm: It's gonna be pretty empty after intermission.
(laughter)
Paul: Uh, we are...
(cheering)
Storm: Thank you sir, thank you sir.
Paul: That's right. That's our peeps in the back arriving late. Thank you for staying true to the cause, though, sir. We first got to meet him when he performed at the Seattle w00tstock that we did last year and we are very pleased to continue making his acquaintance and hear him do awesome things on the Internet and right now, here, in person, please welcome...Hank Green!
(cheering)
Hank: Hello. I have to find the thing to plug my guitar into.
(laughter)
(On the mic stand! To the left, to the left!)
Hank: Oh, it's on the stand. Thank you, person who said "It's on the stand!" Somebody give that guy a dollar. Thanks. I'm new to this. It's on the stand, that's probably where it's supposed to be. I can't see you people at all. Hold on. They have people, like, I feel like I'm gonna trip on you.
(laughter)
Hank: You guys are... I've never had someone so close to my stage (strums guitar). Can you hear my guitar?
(cheering)
Hank: So Paul and Storm asked me to come out here...uh, Paul and Storm are men who made, ah, one of my dreams come true. Last --at the w00tstock event in Seattle, when I got to hug Wil Wheaton, add him to my hug bucket. I hope I can add some of you people to my hug bucket tonight. If you know what a hug bucket is. If not, that might sound really creepy.
(laughter)
Hank: Somebody be thinking of what Hug Bucket is, your something cover band. Be...talk amongst yourselves.
Hank: So they told me that they were doing a show called nerds and music, and I was like, "I think I might be right for that." So I'm only going to play exclusively nerdy music tonight.
(cheering)
Hank: Not really sure what else I would do. I'm not...not sure how to, ah, how to do another kind of show. That's what I'm doing.
Hank: And I'm going to start...so this is a lot of nerdy things; I think I'm going to start with particle physics.
(cheering)
(begins playing guitar)
Singing:
A quark is a fundamental constituent of matter
Observed in 1968 through deep elastic scatter
We found that protons aren't as simple as we thought
We thought they were solid particles, but
They are not.
Protons, in fact, are made up of three separate pieces
It just gets more confusing as our knowledge increases
And that is what a quark is, it's a piece of a proton
And they also make up other things including the neutron.
Oh, up, down, strange, charm, top, bottom
If you don't know what a
Hank: --(laughs) The clapping. I'm sorry. You started it!
(laughter)
Hank: Somebody take a dollar from this guy and give it to that guy. I can't do it. I don't --I change tempo constantly (begins playing guitar). It's my thing.
Singing:
Up, down, strange, charm, top, bottom
If you don't know what a quark is
It don't matter, you've still got 'em
And with leptons and bosons, unless something's amiss,
They make up everything we see and that we know exists
Things made up including protons and neutrons
Are composite particles that physicists call hadrons
Many types of hadrons are theoretically described
But most exist for only very brief amounts of time
Quarks have electric charge, color charge, mass, and spin
And having color charge means they exist solely
Inside of other kinds of particles and cannot exist alone
Which is why quarks have never been studied on their own
Oh, up, down, strange, charm, top, bottom
If you don't know what a quark is
It don't matter, you've still got 'em
And with leptons and bosons, unless something's amiss,
They make up everything we can see and that we know exists
Hank: Uh...oh yes...
Singing:
Quarks can join together in two different ways
Baryons and mesons but most instantly decay
If a particle has three quarks, then it's a baryon
And if there's one quark and an anti-quark then it is a meson
These tiny bits of matter are part of almost everything
And there is no unified theory to make it less confusing
But the fact that we've identified that they exist at all
Is so remarkable that I am constantly in awe
Oh, up, down, strange, charm, top, bottom
If you don't know what a quark is
It don't matter, you've still got 'em
And with leptons and bosons, unless something's amiss,
They make up everything that we can see and that we know exists
(cheering)
Hank: Now you are allowed to clap! One of these days, I will figure out how to do that. I don't mean to call you out. It was great. It felt exactly like what should be happening, but then I was like, I don't know what to do. I have a 200-person drummer. It's too much pressure!
Hank: Um... so here's one of my favorite things to do. How you guys doing tonight?
(cheering)
Hank: Because there's no situation except for this one where you can be like, "How you doing?" and someone's like "Whoooo!" Can you imagine that, walking down the street? "Hey, how's it going?" "Whoooo!" But I guess you guys, couldn't like, "How you doing?" and everybody says "Fine." "Pretty good." "Oh, you know, I stubbed my toe." "I have an intestinal thing, actually." It wouldn't work! This is an intestinal thing, apparently. Having an intestinal thing, but right here. And right over back...where are your intestines? I'm bad at being nerdy.
(laughter)
Hank: Ah...so I also wanted to say, um...Mike Fermin. Whooo! That was the first time I've seen him live. He was amazing! I'm so glad that you people know who I am, otherwise I would feel like a total douche. Getting up here after that. And I'm sure you're all going to be going home being like, "Chicken monkey chicken duck chicken..." It's funny to have a song that you have no idea what the words are, really, but you know the words. And it's stuck in your head anyway. Mmmm! Chicken duck!
Hank: Another nerdy thing: I'm actually, I'm starting off this set by playing all the songs that have a capo on the....oh. It's on the wrong fret. That's why that was hard.
(laughter)
I did it though!
(cheering) (Hank laughs)
Hank: Oh. I was scared. Did that still sound okay? Uh, so I decided to play all the songs that had the capo on the second fret so I don't have to move it around but then, I messed up. So another nerdy thing, besides capos and particle physics, is Harry Potter.
(cheering)
So I'm gonna play a song about Harry Potter. This is about a Harry Potter book that doesn't exist.
(begins playing guitar)
Singing:
Oh, (laughs)
(laughter)
Hank: I just, there's just a giant bubble of fear right there. It's stopping --it's okay, it's not, it's not, I'm moving through it. It's part --I'm like riding the wave of the fear. I'm on the fear! With the fear. Feel the fear. Ride the fear. Okay, I'm advertising for Universal Studios now. Um, okay (plays guitar).
Singing:
I know I'm not the only one
Who wants to know more about Harry's sons
I really do think there's an unwritten story
And I think it's time to put fingers to keys
A lot of people I know wanna know more
About Grindelwald and Dumbledore
I really do think that they both batted lefty
And I think it's probably a good story there
For Book Eight
I want a Book Eight
I want a Book Eight
And I want J. K. Rowling to say
That the epilogue was crap
'Cause we all know it was crap
And I want J. K. Rowling to say that
Voldemort had a son and the story's just begun
And I want J. K. Rowling to say
That she's writing Book Eight.
A lot of people I know wanna hear the tale
Of that mysterious veil
I really do think it's a dimensional portal
And I think Sirius is in Middle Earth
And I know I wanna hear the one about
Hagrid's dad and Hagrid's mom
I really do think that's nearly impossible
And I think there's probably a good story there
Book Eight
I want a Book Eight
I want a Book Eight
And I want J. K. Rowling to say
That the epilogue was crap
'Cause we all know it was crap
And I want J. K. Rowling to say that
Voldemort had a son and the story's just begun
And I want J. K. Rowling to say
That she's writing Book Eight.
She could call it "Harry Potter and the Pillar of Storgé" or
"Harry Potter and the Starfighters of Adumar" or
"Harry Potter and Lizzie Bennet Go to the Ball" or
Harry Potter and the Knights who Say Ni" or
"Harry Potter and Paul and Storm Go to Wal-Mart" or
"Harry Potter and the Time Lord Fights the Daleks" or
Hank: --whoa, everybody liked that! I was just, that just came to me. I didn't think that was gonna go over so well. Ah...where was I?
Singing:
Or "Harry Potter and the Seattle Area and Surrounding Areas" or
"Harry Potter and the Nerdfighters"
You know that I want a Book Eight
Oh, I want a Book Eight
Oh, Harry Potter
I really do think there's an unwritten story
And I think there's time to put fingers to keys
For Book Eight
(cheering)
Hank: There's something on this microphone that got inside my mouth. I'm gonna die.
(You could regenerate!)
Hank: What?
(You're gonna regenerate!)
Hank: I will regenerate.
(Yes!)
Hank: Because I am a Time Lord?
(Yes!)
Hank: Oh, that's nice to know. I didn't know. I was...It's the first I've heard of it. Oh, um, I think that Mike Fermin's wife is a TARDIS.
(laughter and cheering)
Hank: It's not a human zip file, his wife is a TARDIS! You could fit anything in there. I hope I never meet her now.
(laughter)
Hank: Mike says okay, it's okay. Okay.
(laughter)
Hank: Mikes says that joke almost went that way, it should have, You can have that. Raise your hand, even though I can't see you, if you like Star Trek.
(cheering)
Hank: Okay, if I can see you I do this, this is now my new pose. Hello everyone.
(Hello!)
Hank: I see nerdfighter signs. I see nerdfighter shirts. I see nerdfighters, I see people who don't know who I am. Hi, my name is Hank Green.
(laughter)
Hank: Oh, house lights! Would you believe that they exist? I don't need them, I don't need them, I am doing this.
(laughter)
Hank: It's a new thing. Because I can do it.
(starts playing guitar)
Singing:
Stardate 42659.3 was a pretty big day for me
I was given my first command
And it turned out to be more difficult than I planned
So I went to Riker and said "What if I fail?
What if I freeze up with the Borg on our tail?
What if the choice I make is wrong?"
And Riker said to me, "Wesley, give me a break.
It's arrogant to think you'll never make a mistake.
But, when you're in that position,
You only have to ask yourself one question:
You ask, 'What would Captain Picard do?'"
Yeah, what would Captain Picard do?
He'd ensure the safety of his ship and his crew
And then complete the mission
And he'd make himself a better person
He'd bring peace to the galaxy and he'd do it for free
Oh, yeah, that's what Captain Picard would do
I just woke up after three centuries
And my first thought was of money
Not that my family was gone
But this bald guy in a jumpsuit said to me
That they'd abolished currency
Everything I'd worked for was gone!
Yeah, there was nothing to withdraw
So I said to him, "What do you invest in if you don't have big corporations?"
He said, "We invest in ourselves."
And maybe I should try that out for myself!
Because that's what Captain Picard would do
Yeah, that's what Captain Picard would do
He'd ensure the safety of his ship and his crew
And then complete the mission
And make himself a better person
He'd bring peace to the galaxy and he'd do it for free
Oh, yeah, that's what Captain Picard would do
Oh, remember when he told us to remove the saucer section?
Even though we were at warp nine, there was no objection
And, yeah, we could have killed the Borg using Hugh
But we agreed with the captain: it was the wrong thing to do
And even after he was tortured for forty days and nights
He told that Kardashian that there were four lights
(cheering)
Singing:
Oh, yeah, when you're confused and the choice is too hard
Just think of Captain Picard!
(cheering)
Hank: I shoulda done that right when I came out. I got all the tension. And the tension out. There's a little bit more down there. There's --still there. Come on, get out. Shmm...come on. Oh well, I guess it's staying there. Maybe I should take my shoe off. Oh, yeah, there it goes. Okay, that's not going back on
(laughter)
That would take way too long. I'm gonna be uneven for the rest of the show. I feel really short now. Half short.
Hank: So, I wanted to share something with you that I discovered earlier, ah, yesterday. It was earlier yesterday! And so I was looking up chords on the Internet as I am wont to do because when you play the guitar, you're like, "I can play any song!" And you go and you play any song.
Hank: So I was looking up chords and I discovered something (plays guitar). Does that sound familiar to anyone? Sounds familiar to this guy in the front. It probably --it might sound differently familiar to a lot of you. So, for example,
Singing:
Earth angel
Earth angel
Will you be mine?
Oh Donna
Oh Donna
Why must I be a teenager in love?
Hank: So it's called the fifties progression because it was popular in the fifties. It's also called, the much more beautiful word for it, is the ice cream changes. I think it's kinda wonderful, the ice cream changes. Something very ice-creamy about those chords to me. You know, it's like, fifties. You know you've got that fifties feel, which is kind of like light but h --light but heavy. Perfect metaphor, Hank. But it's sort of wonderful and smooth and silky and like, easy and everybody likes it. You know? Ice cream. Except for those lactose intolerant people. Which is why we created Tofutti.
Hank: So the ice cream changes. I think they're kind of wonderful (starts playing guitar). So I started looking into the ice cream changes. And they didn't end in the fifties.
Singing:
Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Hank: They kept going, um...
Singing:
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
I want to be...
I'd like to be
I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
Hank: I just messed that one up, but that's how it goes. You know "Octopus's Garden." And it kept going. Ah, so we're starting to get into the seventies now. And then there's like,
Singing:
I remember when rock was young
Me and Susie had so much fun
Throwing--holding hands and skimming stones
I had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
But the biggest kick I ever got
Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
While the other kids were rocking 'round the clock
We were hoppin' and boppin' to the Crocodile Rock
Hank: And then the eighties, they changed it up a little
Singing:
Every step you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watchin' you
Hank: See how it was a little bit different. Because they changed the number of beats per measure. And mostly, up until now, it's been two or four beats per, not measure, but per chord change. And the nineties, they went to one.
Singing:
She has a girlfriend now
She has a girlfriend now
She has a girlfriend now
She says, "Guys don't do no more for me."
Hank: And in the 2000s, they sweetened it right back up for our friend Justin Bieber. Like
Singing:
Baby, baby, baby, oh
Yeah, baby, baby, baby, no
Baby, baby, baby, yeah
Thought you'd always be mine
Hank: And then very recently, in the last couple of weeks, what happened?
(shouts from audience)
Hank: You know it's gonna happen. They know it's going to happen! Oh I, I thought I had scooped this one. The most popular song of the year so far, depending on your definition of "popular" and your definition of "year,"
Singing:
Seven AM wake up in the morning
Gotta get dressed, gotta get downstairs
Gotta get my bowl, gotta get cereal
Stuff is happening, things are happening
Gotta get my stuff, people are doing things
Gotta get down to the bus stop
I see my friends, yes, I see my friends
They're sittin' in the front seat, sittin' in the back seat
I don't know, I don't know, which seat do I take?
It's Friday, Friday, everybody thinks it's Friday
I don't know the words to "Friday"
The weekend, Friday, Friday,
I don't know the words to "Friday"
Something about the weekend, weekend
Hank: And that's my thing about the ice cream changes. I'm fascinated by it.
(cheering)
Gonna take the other one off. This, it's too uneven. Shoes are, they're useless. What's the point? So that's the end of the things that need the capo. (Laughing) now it sounds like this (plays guitar). Does that sound good?
Hank: So, you know what else is nerdy? Harry Potter.
(cheers)
Hank: (laughs) Does anybody remember how "This Isn't Hogwarts" starts? Because I'm blanking right now. Come on, you can think of it. There's 200 of you, there's only one of me. Shout it out.
(This isn't Hogwarts!)
Hank: No, that's the chorus, sir.
(laughter)
(talking in audience)
Singing:
It's so grotesque
When the guy --
Hank: No wait, that's not it--
Singing:
I hate this place
Hank: That's it.
Singing:
I can barely keep the misery off my face.
And there's one place I'd much rather be
Taking transfiguration and arithmancy
And hangin' with my friends in the owlery
But instead I'm learning parts of speech and
Trying not to fall asleep
And I'm avoiding the only girl at school who might like me
It's so grotesque
When the guy sittin' next to you drools all over his desk
As I almost raise my hand to complain
I realize that I wanna be doing the same so I
Put my head down on my desk as well
And suddenly I'm learning a spell
To make my teacher's head swell
But then he wakes me up and I can't help but yell
Engorgio!
This isn't Hogwarts
This is a concrete box
And the pictures on the wall are never gonna talk
And the teachers don't care that the kids don't try
And the most magical thing we have is fluorescent lights
And they don't put you in Hufflepuff if you're not cool
Instead they sort you in the parking lot after school
And I think if I looked into the mirror of Erised
I'd be wearing wizard robes with gold and red
Well I'm not saying I'm not proud to be a nerd
But public school ain't no place for a wizard
Yeah, high school ain't no place for a wizard
You know what's gross?
When the lunch meat looks like three-day-old soggy toast
And as I ate it anyway, I overheard this
Guy I hardly know calling me a nerd
So I cast Sectumsempra on him inside my mind
How I wish there were House Elves making my food
And everything was perfectly spiced and
The only one being rude was the poltergeist
And here's what's true:
I'd do pretty much anything to go to wizard school
I'd even call Delores Umbridge my friend
If it meant I never had to go to gym again
And I look around at all this crap that's part of my life
No ghosts stalkin' the halls or hangin' in the bathroom stalls and
The stairs don't move 'cause there's no stairs at all
Oh, this isn't Hogwarts
This is a concrete box
And the pictures on the walls are never gonna talk
And the teachers don't care that the kids don't try
And the most magical thing we have is fluorescent lights
And they don't put you in Hufflepuff if you're not cool
Instead they sort you in the parking lot after school
And I think if I looked into the mirror of Erised
I'd be wearing wizard robes with gold and red
Well, I'm not saying I'm not proud to be a nerd
But public school ain't no place for a wizard
No, high school ain't no place for a wizard
(cheering)
Hank: It's getting warm in here. Anyone else feel that? That just me? Should I take my clothes off?
(cheering)
Hank: First the shoes. (Grunts) That's how I take my clothes off. A lot of flailing involved. I think I may have hurt myself. Uh! I just ran into my head with the microphone. Oh, I think that's funny.
Hank: (Plays guitar) You know what else is nerdy? Obsession.
(Yeah!)
Hank: Uh-oh. There was a man who said "Yeah!" Hello sir!
Singing
The first time I saw you was the day that I hit puberty
You played a beautiful girl shunned by society
It wasn't your fault you just smoked one laced doobie
That after-school special made me never want to do PCP
Oh, Helen Hunt, Helen Hunt,
You make my heart do acrobatic stunts
You stand and face the brunt of the twister of my burning want
Helen Hunt, you know I'm mad about you
Hank: People haven't heard this song! Yeah, it's funny! I wrote it.
Singing:
I saw you naked in the water dance
It was as good as it gets
In my pants
And for that, I really want to thank you
Your husband's name was Hank, right?
Well...my name's Hank too.
Helen Hunt, Helen Hunt,
You make my heart do acrobatic stunts
You stand and face the brunt of the twister of my burning want
Helen Hunt, you know I'm mad about you
And once an ex-best friend of mine said he couldn't see
How an old and ugly actress could mean so much to me
Well, a minute later, looking down at him bleeding in the snow
I asked him, "Who was best comedy actress four years in a row?"
It was Helen Hunt
Helen Hunt
You make my heart do acrobatic stunts
You stand and face the brunt of the twister of my burning want
Helen Hunt, you know I'm mad about you
Oh, Helen Hunt, you know I'm mad about you
Helen Hunt, you know I'm mad about you
(cheering)
Hank: So I have a new thing to share tonight.
(cheering)
Hank: I guess that was an adequate level of woo. Could've been a little more woo.
(cheering)
Hank: (plays guitar) It's a very short song.
Singing:
My life as a mother pheasant plucker is pleasant.
Just listenin' to music while I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm a pleasant pheasant plucker
And nobody's ever heard a pleasant mother pheasant plucker
Like me say the f-word
Because my life as a mother pheasant plucker is pleasant
Just listenin' to music while I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm a pleasant pheasant pl--
pheasant pl--
pleasant pheasant plucker
And nobody's ever heard a pleasant mother pheasant plucker
Like me say the f-word
Because my life as a mother pheasant plucker is pleasant
Just listenin' to music while I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm a pleasant pleasant--
pleasant pheasant plucker
And nobody's ever heard a pleasant mother pheasant plucker
Like me say the f-word
Because my life as a mother pheasant plucker is pleasant.
Just listenin' to music while I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm a pleasant pheasant plucker
And nobody's ever heard a pleasant mother pheasant plucker
Like me say the f-word
Because my life as a mother pheasant plucker is pleasant.
Just listenin' to music while I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm a pleasant pheasant plucker
And nobody's ever heard a pleasant (gibberish)
Hank: I didn't say the f-word though. So I'm going to turn that into a video I think, where I go on for a while.
(cheering)
Hank: I just wrote that.
((?) (
31:45) bloopers!)
Hank: (Gibberish) Yes, it will be half bloopers. Half bleeped bloopers. Bleepy blooper. Um, I'm looking at my set list, covertly. Oh, didn't like that. It's my beard.
(laughter)
(begins playing guitar)
Hank: I was gonna play DFTBA but I realized I've forgotten the words. So I'm not gonna do that. Which is why I have more songs to play.
(talking in audience)
Hank: Besides that one.
(Infinite Grid!)
Hank: Infinite Grid is not a song!
(more talking and laughter)
Hank: It's not a --it's not a song. Infinite Grid is not a --I could, I could like --now I'm totally gonna do it 'cause that person said Infinite Grid.
Singing:
Infinite grid, infinite grid,
I'm runnin' around in the infinite grid
It goes everywhere in every direction
Except up and down
Up and down
It goes everywhere...
Hank: Probably the ice cream changes, that song.
(more talking in audience)
Hank: I haven't-- I haven't tried to play it on the guitar before. That song was written for Assassin's Creed, if you've ever played, there's the time between missions where you're in the infinite grid. And that's what I sing when I'm in the infinite grid.
(laughter)
Hank: Because, you know, you're just like, come on! I wanna stab people! I wanna show them where their heart is. Oh, sir, did your brain itch? Let me get that for you. I love that game. Now. It's beautiful. So much stabbing.
Hank: (plays guitar) This is a fairly new song, and I'm gonna screw it up a lot because it's a fairly new song.
Singing:
Oh, something just occurred to me while I was reading
Another book that I had heard could be the next big thing
I thought, what would I give if that could be true
If I could ever feel again the way I felt when I read you
Well, I'd pay a millio-
Pay a million galleons
And dress up like I go to Beauxbatons
I'd tattoo my head with a lightning bolt
I'd --I'd pawn my wand and fire bolt
But no matter how many good things I'm told
Everything I read turns out to be leprechaun gold
Well, it's been so many years
No matter how I try
To read --
It's been so many years no matter how I try
To read more young adult fiction
I keep coming up dry
Water, water, everywhere, and not enough to drink
My frustration and my agony have pushed me to the brink
I keep tilting back the glass, but I never taste the water
It seems no matter what I read I think
This is not Harry Potter.
This is not Harry Potter.
Well, I was pretty impressed with Frankie Landau Banks
But compare saving the world with a couple of big pranks
And there's no monopoly on non-human people
There's faeries, buggers, talking cats, and Nac Mac Feegle
And thirteen little blue, blue
Hank: --Shoot.
Singing:
Thirteen Little Blue Envelopes
Was fantastic but my Sneakoscope
Would be flashing and spinning if I said that
It was the best book I've read and
You gotta know that this is no joke
When I also read lots of books that my own brother wrote
Yeah, it's been so many years no matter how I try
To read more young adult fiction
I keep coming up dry
It's like, why, water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink
My frustration and my agony have pushed me to the brink
I keep tilting back the glass but I never taste the water
It seems no matter what I read I think
This is not Harry Potter.
This is not Harry Potter.
And in the darkest hours of my darkest nights
I found myself curled up with Twilight
And I couldn't help but wonder as I ravenously read
Could you "Avada Kedavra" the undead
'Cause Edward Cullen totally has it comin'
And if he saw Voldemort then he'd better start runnin'
There's not much that the Dark Lord and I
Could agree on but I think we both hate that guy
And Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington is
A character name that, by itself, is better than anything in
Breaking Dawn
Yeah, it's been so many years no matter how I try
To read more young adult fiction
I keep coming up dry
Oh, President Snow is no Voldemort and
Di - Diagon Alley is cooler than Ankh-Morpork
And Lyra Silvertongue is Mrs. Coulter's Daughter
That's a good plot twist but
It is not Harry Potter.
No, it's not Harry Potter!
(cheering)
Hank: Whooo! Woo. So I just wanna remind everybody that there's an intermission after this so you can, you know, just stay where you are. Pla...like, you could take out your phone. Angry Birds. And just pee right where you're sitting. Apparently.
Hank: I was just thinking about pineapples.
(laughter)
Hank: Okay, it came back! Oh, it's not gonna --that image, that image is not gonna go away. Um...so. I should play another song. You know what's nerdy? Harry Potter.
(laughter and cheering)
Hank: I, I think maybe I have a thing! Do you guys think I have a Harry Potter problem?
(laughter and talking)
Hank: What?
(talking in audience)
Hank: It's a solution. It's not a problem. I like that. That was good. I wish I could interact with you people more. Hi.
(Hi)
(talking in audience)
Hank: I like crowds. I like them when I'm out here. When I'm back there, I'm peeing on myself. It's funny, ah, before I get on stage I always have to pee like mad and then I pee, and then I have to pee like mad. Of course, when I pee, it's like, "beep." What are you doing, body? Why do you fail me? And then I come out here and I am parched. Because I peed all of the water out.
Hank: So this is my last song.
(Aww!)
Hank: Aww. I love my wife. Aww. Same noise! I have a dog.
(Aww!)
Hank: I have arthritis in my foot.
(laughter and cheering)
Hank: (laughs) Oh that, yeah! Hardcore! I've been like a thirty-year-old with arthritis. Colon problems.
Singing:
I have a complicated relationship with the distal portion
Of my large intestine, also known as the colon
I started feelin'...(laughs)
Hank: I have a song about my colon! That's how nerdy I am. It's a polka.
(laughter)
Hank: There's a tuba in it, too. You can buy my CD and hear it. Um, I'm very excited about my new CD, Ellen Hardcastle. It's named after a girl who won a charity auction. Thank goodness it was Ellen Hardcastle. What an amazing name. I feel kinda bad for her though. You know, being Ellen Hardcastle. Gonna have to live in the shadow of my amazing work of art for the rest of her life.
(starts playing guitar)
Hank: I haven't heard people sing along, but that might just be because I'm too loud in my monitors, or it might be that the atmosphere doesn't feel like a singy-along because you're at, like, dinner tables. Is that how you feel?
(talking in audience)
Hank: No, you've been singing? That's good. She's singing.
(talking in audience)
Hank: I do sing really fast. Oh, um, maybe I'll...yes. Song. I have to play a song. I can see on the clock that you can't see that I have to play a song. I just, I'm gonna miss you when I go. But I'll be in the back. You can see me later.
(cheering)
Hank: Now I can't remember how the song starts. Ahhh...I'm just stretchin', thinking about how this song starts. Oh, why don't I, like, write, inside the name of the song, the first line? That would be really smart. That would change my life! I just changed my life!
(starts playing guitar)
Singing:
Yes, it's...
Hank: This needs a capo.
(starts playing guitar)
Singing:
Yes, it's true that I once went through life
As the guy who always had to rhyme life with strife
Yes, I've been burned and I've been spurned
And through it all, my friends, I've learned
I've learned that love is not about whether you can stab
It's how slow the knife gets turned
Hank: I'm gonna start over because I started too fast.
Singing:
Yes, it's true that I once went through life
As the guy who always had to rhyme life with strife
Yes, I've been burned and I've been spurned
And through it all, my friends, I've learned
That love is not about whether you can stab
It's how slow the knife gets turned
Hank: Uh...this is kind of a sad song, but it's very happy. I really feel that way about this song.
Singing:
But, my friends, I've found an animal who doesn't feel this pain
And my life is so much better know that I can feel the same
Because you can't hate the night
If you've lived your whole life without light
And you can't hate the dish
If you've only ever eaten fish
And you can't feel alone
If it's all you've ever known
Yeah, the deep-sea anglerfish
Has no reason to be happy, but she has no friggin' idea
What else to be
The deep-sea-dwelling anglerfish never has to find a mate
They are always there together when it's time to procreate
See, one dark night, a young male bites a female on her side
And slowly he becomes a sperm-producing parasite.
And if we can say he lives at all, he lives until she dies
And until that day, he literally never leaves her side
Oh, you can't hate the night
If you've lived your whole life without light
And you can't hate the dish
If you've only ever eaten fish
And you can't feel alone
If it's all you've ever known
Yeah, the deep-sea anglerfish
Has no reason to be happy, but she has no freakin' idea
What else to be
For years, this rule has kept me out of hopeless despair
You simply do not feel what is always there
I asked my brain to entertain
The pain is the same
But if I feel it all the time, can you really call it pain?
I don't have any friends and I don't have any hair
But neither does the anglerfish and she doesn't care
Oh, you can't hate the night
If you've lived your whole life without light
And you can't hate the dish
If you've only ever eaten fish
And you can't feel alone
If it's all you've ever known
Yeah, the deep-sea anglerfish
Has no reason to be happy, but she has no freakin' idea
What else to be
(cheering)
Hank: Thank you all so much! Thank you to the people (?)...thank you to Paul and Storm and Mike Fermin for coming out with me tonight. Paul and Storm will be on the stage after intermission, and I will come out as well for a cameo later, I believe. Thank you!
(cheering)
