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In which John teaches you how to harvest, educate, massage, cook, and eat eight peas.

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Good morning, Hank, it's Tuesday, and I'm in my garden which can only mean one thing: it's time to harvest the peas.  

Deer ate a bunch of my food a couple weeks ago so my dad made a fence.  Thanks, Dad!  Now, I've already gotten to enjoy quite a bit of kale and collard greens this year, but it's the first pea harvest and I'm just so excited, I can't wait anymore, Hank, let's do it!  Let's harvest the peas!  Aaaand, done.  I got the peas.

Okay, Hank, it's time to count up our peas.  We've got..oh God, don't go away!  No, you're one of my only peas!  Okay, we've got three peas plus the runaway.  Oh yeah.  Oh yeah, that's four peas.  We've got..there's the fourth pea.  Ahh!  More runaway peas!  Why do the good peas always run away, run away.  Where ya at, pea?  Come on, man.  Come on.  You're 10% of my pea crop for the year.  Nine peas.  It hasn't been the best pea weather here in Indianapolis because it went from cold to hot more or less immediately, but we're not letting that discourage us.  

Now, Hank, one way of looking at these nine peas is that they were very expensive.  Like, if you count all the water and the compost and the seeds, it's about 25 cents a pea, but another way of looking at it is that my peas are very valuable.  Walk with me.  Hank, today, I'm going to teach you how to create the most luxurious and delicious nine pea snack in the history of the world.  Let's get to it.

So if you're making a luxury nine pea dish, the first thing you're gonna want to do is massage your peas very gently.  There are a lot of ways to do this but my favorite way is to try to see how my peas I can fit in a pea mustache.  Oh no, one's stuck.  It's a disaster.

Usually the next thing I like to do is just give my peas a basic overview of some of the factors that affect their lives, because you don't want to eat uneducated peas.  And the team playing in Milton Keynes actually got relegated out of the third tier if you can believe that so AFC Wimbledon don't even have to play them.

So once you've got your peas educated and massaged, it's time to start thinking about cooking them and obviously this is gonna be uncomfortable, mostly for the peas.  I recommend gently but firmly explaining the situation to your peas.  So listen, guys, we've had a good run together but I am going to eat you now.  My body is going to turn you into energy that I will then use to probably watch TV and then once you've given your peas what I call 'The Talk', it's time to cook them.  Let's go to the kitchen.

So one thing a lot of people don't know is that unlike asparagus or kale, peas are actually quite starchy, which means you have to boil them for a little longer.  An under-cooked pea is just not that good.  Great, now I got eight peas.  I like to boil my water in a tiny artisanal pot because, you know, I've already wasted enough water growing the eight peas.  There we go.  You know what they say about a watched pot.  It will eventually boil.  

You're gonna drop in your eight remaining peas, I'd say for about like five minutes.  Sometimes it helps the peas cook if you sing them a little song.  Did you ever know that you're my pea-ro, I'm really sorry about that pun, it sucked.

While you're waiting, I recommend looking at art, like this picture.  When I first got it, I thought it was about Hollywood coming for YouTube and then later I thought it was about YouTube coming for Hollywood and now, I don't know what I think.

Then you use your pea scooper to scoop out the...dang it.  Then put your eight cooked peas in a soy sauce container and then at last, it's time to eat your eight peas.  I recommend eating them one at a time.  Mmm, mmm, tastes a lot like the peas you get at the grocery store. 

So Hank, if you wanna have a luxury pea experience, nope.  That doesn't sound right.  No, no.  At any rate, I cannot recommend gardening enough.  Really.  Hank, I'll see you on Friday.