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In which John introduces the nerdfighters to Bubbles the Nerdfighting Puppy (whose name is Willy). And now, I have to go back to puppy-watching.


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A Bunny
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So Hank, the other day I went to my barber and I was like, “Can I get a haircut?” And she said, “I’ll cut your hair, but I’m not gonna cut your puff.”

Now Hank, you and the nerdfighters may have been wondering why I haven’t made a video in almost a week and a half. It’s not because I got this hilariously bad haircut; I’ve never been embarrassed to share my hilariously bad haircuts. And it’s not because I’ve been dealing with this gigantic pile of mulch, either. Although when that pile of mulch initially arrived at my house, it was larger than my apartment in New York. Nor is it because I’ve been fondling all the awesome stuff that nerdfighters brought us in Grand Rapids, Michigan, like this ceramic cup that says ‘DFTBA’ on it, and this book which is called “Scruffy Teddy Likes to Play” in your pants. Scruffy Teddy, you need a bath because you are a dirty boy.

No, Hank, the reason I haven’t made a video in almost a week and a half is that the Yeti and I have made an extraordinary acquisition that is unbelievably time consuming. Hank, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to Bubbles the Nerdfighting Puppy! Okay, we don’t actually call him Bubbles the Nerdfighting Puppy. I wanted to, but the Yeti was like, “It’s gonna be weird when we try to explain to people that he’s a boy but his name is Bubbles the Nerdfighting Puppy.” And then, you know, everyone’s going to be like “Are nerdfigters for nerds or against nerds?” which is a stupid question. I mean, look at my glasses.

No, Hank, we call this adorable ball of fluff Willy. Okay I’m just gonna keep talking while he does cute stuff. Willy’s full name is Fireball Wilson Roberts which is a reference to the first sentence of James Crumley’s classic novel ‘The Last Good Kiss’. “When I finally caught up with Abraham Trahearne, he was drinking beer with an alcoholic bulldog named Fireball Roberts in a ramshackle joint just outside of Sonoma, California, drinking the heart right out of a fine spring afternoon.”

Now Hank, Willy’s a pretty adorable puppy, particularly when you’re appreciating him through the medium of video so that you’re not aware of the fact that he always smells a little bit like his own pee. And I like Willy very much, but I have a message for all the nerdfighters out there who might be considering getting a puppy: Oh my God, it is so hard. I mean, Willy pretty much requires constant attention, and when he doesn’t get our full attention he makes this noise that’s like all the kittens in the world have united with all the birds in the world and they’ve gone to war with monkeys and puppy sized elephants. It’s like Buddhist monk throat singing; he’s doing seven notes at once.

Also, his favorite thing in the world to do is to go outside and make you think he’s gonna pee, and you think he’s gonna pee, and you think he’s gonna pee, and then uh—oh… He just lay down. So sometimes I get pretty frustrated with him but then he’ll be sitting across the room from me and uh—oh he’ll do the thing where he turns his head to the side. It’s so cute! And then I forgive him for everything.

So Hank, that’s Willy. I apologize for not making more videos more often, but as I’m sure you can tell, he’s a bundle of joy and a bundle of work. However, I am going to make up for my lack of videos last week by doing a punishment this week. That punishment? I’m gonna do a video every day this week. This is going to include two Question Tuesdays so, nerdfighters, please leave your questions in comments. Also, with every video this week I’m going to give away one copy of Paper Towns to a random commenter. And, yes, that includes this video. For the purpose of this punishment, the week is going to be Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I’m taking Friday off because as everyone knows Friday night is the Sabbath if you’re Jewish, which I’m not, but I’m taking it off.

Hank, you’ll see – Willy, Willy, come on, cooperate. Co- No licking. No – Hank, you’ll see… Hank, you’ll see me tomorrow. Katherine, happy birthday! Willy, say “Happy Birthday Katherine.” Say- oh, he’s waving!

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHERINE!” Oh yeah, did I mention that he’s a talking dog?