[PBS Opening Theme]

Victoria: Don't really have time for the usual production today... we're just getting started on this new project and I am egregiously behind...

One quick note, um... not a single rat was killed in the making of today's episode...

It was already dead.

[Frankenstein, MD opening theme]

Iggy: Now as you remember, our office rat Terrence suffered a tragic seizure, nearly ending his life.

Victoria: Fortunately, I had the foresight to cryo-preserve him before the time of death and now that we've developed a plan for stopping his seizures, it's time to bring him back to life!

Iggy: Now I know it sounds simple, but using cryonics to freeze, revive, and then cure a patient has never been successfully accomplished.

Victoria: Which is why, we're using a much smaller, lower-risk specimen, and why Robert is here to document this potentially historic occasion.

Iggy: Now, right after his heart stopped, we pumped his body with a specially formulated cryo-protectant. It's kind of like anti-freeze for your blood.

Victoria: This ensures that ice crystals won't form, which would cause damage at the cellular and molecular levels.

Now we *sighs* just have to wait for Terrence's body temperature to rise and then we can resuscitate.

Iggy: *fidgets* How long do we have to wait?

Victoria: Uh... what temperature is he?

Iggy: *check the rat* Let's see.

Um... looks like it is -62.

Victoria: Celsius.

Iggy: Right. *clears throat* So we have some time.

(Two hours later)

*Iggy plays a game on his phone while Victoria reads*

Iggy: Yes...

*Victoria puts the book down loudly and stares at the box*

*Iggy puts his phone down and checks the rat*

Iggy: Looks like... uh... -47. Centigrade.

(One hour later)

*Iggy tosses his phone and catches it while Victoria reads*

Iggy: 156!

*Iggy puts down his phone and checks the rat*

Iggy: And... he's at five degrees. *sniffs* What's that smell?

*Victoria and Iggy sniff the rat*

*Both back away*

Iggy: Yeah.

Victoria: Just normal aromatic compounds released during the thawing process. It'll pass.

(Two hours later)

Iggy: *coughs* 19! Oof!

Victoria: I... barely even notice it anymore. (high-pitched) It's really not that bad.

Iggy: *muffled* Mmhmm...

Victoria: (uncomfortably high-pitched) Totally natural.

Iggy: *muffled* Mmhmm...

(Seven hours later)

Iggy: Okay. 33!

Victoria: So close!

Iggy: *coughs* Oh my God. Is this Terrence haunting us from beyond the grave?

*Incoming call*

Rory: Hey Victoria. Oh my God! What's wrong?

Victoria: Nothing! I'm great.

Rory: Have you been crying?

Victoria: I don't know what you're talking about.

Iggy: Rory, It smells so freaking bad in here! Oh my gosh, I think I just saw stink waves.

Victoria: Uh, more importantly, our drug study. I just have a few important follow-up questions. Any sweatiness?

Rory: No.

Victoria: Uh... any other symptoms?

Rory: I mean, I haven't been sleeping very well. Just, um, preoccupied, I guess.

Victoria: Trouble sleeping... *checks report* Eli reported that too.

Rory: He did? Um... did he say anything else? About me? Anything at all?

Victoria: What? No. Why?

Rory: Uh... no reason. Just... don't tell him I asked.

Victoria: Is there something going on between you two? Something that might be influencing your results?

Iggy: *coughs*

Rory: Eli and I broke up.

Victoria: Oh no.

Rory: I mean... you know what- he's just so complacent, you know?

Victoria: That's terrible.

Rory: Look, I love puzzle night as much as the next girl, but I - sometimes I just wanna go out and- and have an adventure.

Victoria: You've gotta be kidding me.

Rory: Hey, look, I-I'll be fine. There's no need for you to-

Victoria: Rory! This is going to skew our data! Two-thirds of our subjects are experiencing unrelated emotional distress. Of course you're not sleeping well.

Rory: I mean, you know, I get a few hours here and there - 

Victoria: Probably not eating well either, long periods of low caloric intake, followed by sadness-masking binges...

Rory: Does a pint of ice cream count as a binge?

Victoria: Not to mention diminished immune response caused by high stress, and increased anxiety evidenced by nervous fidgety behavior like biting of the fingernails.

Rory: You know what, Victoria? Um, don't worry about me... I'll be fine... We're just doing our own thing for a while.

Victoria: Of course.

Rory: Is that... rat okay?

Iggy: You gotta be quick, I think he's getting warm.

Victoria: Gotta go Rory. Gotta bring a frozen rat back to life. I'll call you later.

*Victoria ends call*

Victoria: Now that Terrence has reached normal core body temperature, we're going to gently restart his heart while ventilating him. This is it! This is where we bring Terrence back to life. Clear!

Victoria: Clear!

Victoria: Why isn't this working? We did everything right. Clear!

Victoria: It's not working! I ha - I have to get in there!

Iggy: Victoria, it's over. You can't help him now.

Victoria: Yes, I can.

*Blood squirts on Victoria*

Iggy: *gently takes the scalpel away from Victoria* Hey. Look, it's okay. He had a good run. Remember that time he pooped in Waldman's coffee and then Waldman drank it?

Victoria: My rat is dead. And my drug trial's a joke.

Iggy: Hey...

Victoria: Is it true, what Waldman said? Am I just wasting my time?

Iggy: No, no. C'mon, you know how amazing a doctor you are. I mean, look, I'm an amazing doctor but you make me look like a total mouth breather.

Victoria: That's true.

Iggy: Hey, hey, look. Sometimes the subjects just die. Do you know how many fruit flies Thomas Hunt Morgan had to go through? He's like General Franco to them.

Victoria: *laughs*

Iggy: Let's dust you off, we'll clean you up a little bit and then we'll order you a new lab rat. A new, dead one. Out of like, a catalog. Where do you get those?

Victoria: I-I think it's a website.

Iggy: Yeah, that makes sense... you hungry?

[Frankenstein, MD end screen]