Good morning John,

I just wanna start off by saying to all the people who don’t know about None Pizza with Left Beef- I’m here for you, to bring you into the glorious new future you will experience within the next 4 minutes. For those of us who know about None Pizza with Left Beef, come along with me on this journey. There are better things in the world than None Pizza with Left Beef but not very many.

It was October 2007, a man goes to Dominoes.com where they have introduced a new that allows you to order pizza without talking to a human being. And so for cheese, this intrepid explorer chose none and for sauce, likewise he ventured none and yet for beef, he chooses normal and he chooses left: I don’t know what the non-normal options were- that websites gone now. And the good people at Dominoes did the only thing they would do. They cooked the pizza crust and just tossed some beef balls in there.

Tumblr also launched in 2007, I’ll remind you that the iPhone also launched in 2007 and also Vlogbrothers. It was an important year.

The thing we often forget about Tumblr, the thing that makes it really such a fantastic platform is that every time you reblog and add something, that itself becomes content and that piece of content in the future cannot be lost: it becomes attached to and carried through with that media on to all other places it will go.

But this one says “10 years into the future and I will still be laughing at this”. It’s now 12 years into the future and I am still laughing about this. And the final addition, someone orders None Pizza with Left Beef and the man at the Dominoes calls her back and he says “Miss, you can’t do that.” but you can- you can and you must.

I maintain that no one would of ever called Dominoes and say I want None Pizza with Left Beef - you need the interface between you and the person making the pizza so that you don’t feel this weird.

And in a similar vein, a man recently ordered a cheese burger and then took of all of the things until he was left with a cheese. You cannot ask for and pay 99 cents for a cheese from a person- it’s not funny anymore. It’s only funny when you punch it into a screen and the you imagine that, I think, a person on the other end is also giggling a little bit thinking “I guess I’m gonna make a cheese.

We will never again live in a world without None Pizza and Left Beef and, as long as I have neurons firing together, I will have neurons dedicated to the existence of None Pizza with Left Beef.

Anyways John, I finished my book.

[Bad Ideas by Tessa Violet starts playing] Why is there music playing? I can’t go outside and do a Pizzamas dance, there’s a freaking blizzard. [Goes outside and does a dance with Pizzamas shirt on that changes occasionally]. Okay, I forgot 1 of the stinking shirts at home. Oh my God, my fingers.

This is the shirt I forgot to bring to the park. It’s maybe my favourite one. It was cold. I like this one too. [Puts on] That’s nice, that’s very cool.

• And yes, I finished a draft of my book and it’s the biggest news of my year and I didn’t have any time to talk about it because I was too busy talking about None Pizza with Left Beef John. If you wanna ask me questions about it, I’m probably gonna be talking about it on Thursday.

John, I’ll see you tomorrow.

I mean, I hope the book is good but it’s not gonna be as good as None Pizza with Left Beef.