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How can I avoid having to dress up for Halloween? What do you do when your friends make fun of your friend? How do I artfully display my rib? And more! Email us:

 Intro (00:00)

[Intro music]

Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John!

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

H: It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, talk about death and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, what did the pirate say when he turned 80?

J: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

H [in pirate voice]: Ayy matey!

J [laughs]: Oh god! Terrible!

[H laughs]

J: It's terrible! I do have some wonderful news for you this week, it's sad but it's still really wonderful.

H: Ok.

J: Hank, (?)(?~0:42) I`m just gonna read you the headline from the press: ”Kentucky town mourns it first female mayor, Lucy Lou, a dog”.

[H laughs]

H: That's very sad! But also not!

J: (?), Kentucky, you heard that correctly, "(?), Kentucky." "The town of (?), Kentucky is known for a string of highly (?) mayors, one of whom died this week. She was twelve and a dog."

[Both laugh]

H: Yeah, cause if it wasn't a dog, that would be a very different story!

J[laughs]: "She was twelve and a dog"!

H: Umm, "She was twelve and a dog", I mean, good (?), though maybe the first female mayor should have been a human being...

J: Uhh... well maybe, but to be fair, Lucy Lou was (?) third dog mayor, so they've had good luck with dog mayors in the past, I guess...

H: True.

J:... And (?) "Lucy Lou was a wonderful mayor and she will be (?) missed, not just by her family but also by the larger community of (?)." So don't worry, I'm sure that they will elect a new dog mayor soon. 

H: Well in small communities people are busy and the people who take the (?) of public servanthood aren't always the ones that you want to actually do that job.

J: I would argue that's also the case for larger communities.

H [laughs]: Just led by dogs! Not only should dogs vote, dogs should also vote for dogs!

[J laughs]

 First Question (02:25

J: Alright Hank, before we get too political, let's answer some questions from our listeners. This first one comes from (?~2:30) who writes:

"Dear John and Hank,
I don't smoke but most of my friends at college do. I always turn down cigarettes when they offer them to me, but now I've started an internship where most of my colleagues also smoke. I usually go outside with them while they smoke so I can keep chatting with them, but my boss keeps offering me cigarettes. I've said multiple times that I'm not a smoker and I don't wanna become one but she keeps asking if I want one. How do I not give into peer pressure when it comes to my new boss? Probably breathing in second hand smoke right now,

J: (?~2:58), where do you work, in 1962? 

H [laughs]: I don't- I don't understand. Uh, this is- are you sure they're not vaping?

[J laughs]

J: Yeah, I mean, have you checked to see if these are in fact JUULs?

[H laughs]

H: Uhhh... Yeah, I am shocked that you are having this particular problem in this particular year. It's not not a problem. It is a problem and it's frustrating, and... Honestly, if I were you I wouldn't go out to breathe that second hand smoke, I would just get some extra e-mails written. But then you wouldn't get all that good socializing time with your boss and everybody knows that chatting up your boss is important. So I don't know, like, this is literally why people who don't want to smoke end up smoking and addicted to cigarettes. So you are in the situation right now, like, this happens to people, and it's happening to you, and I don't want it to happen to you.

J: Yeah, (?~3:56), I would just say like: ”Of course I don't wanna smoke.”

[H laughs]

J: Like, ”Of course I don't want a cigarette. Have you seen the news?“

[H laughs]

H: “Have you seen the sign behind the cigarettes? And on the side of the cigarettes? And the picture on the back of the cigarettes?"

J [laughs]: Right, right! Yeah, actually, that's maybe what I would do. Next time your boss offers you a cigarette, you should pick up the pack and say “Maybe I'll have a cigarette- Oh wait, no, the (?~4:21)general is warning me that this is a bad idea right here on the package!”

J: Hank, we need to move on, because even though I quit smoking seventeen years ago talking about it makes me think about smoking. So let's just go- let's move on.

[H laughs]

 Second Question (4:39)

H: This next question comes from Meghan who asks:
"Dear Hank and John, we have magnifying mirrors that make things bigger and funhouse mirrors that do all kinds of crazy things. Why don't we have prescription mirrors? Surely they just have to cut the glass like they do for eyeglasses. I just want to be able to fit my make-up brush between my face and the mirror and be able to see.
Sin-SEE-rely, Meghan".
Good try, good try.

J: Hank, why can't we do this? I assume there's a reason.

H: Well, I think we can actually, it's just that it would be expensive and you'd have to do it for each individual person so nobody ever thought of it. I think Meghan may have invented something.

J: Meghan, you had your first Hank-thinks-it's-a-million-dollar-idea-200-dollar-idea.

[H laughs]

H: I don't know. There may be limitations to this technology that I don't know, you would have to be the same distance from the mirror at all times, but like, if Meghan chooses a distance that she prefers to do her make-up at, then we would be able to create that (?~5:38) and- I think- have it be in focus for her. I don't know if that is necessarily true because I'm not an optic expert but I think that it would work, maybe it would just magnify it. Now I'm second-guessing myself.

J: Yeah, I'm not sure it would work in reflection-

H: John, I just wanted to let you know that there is a US patent on a prescription mirror.

J: Oh!

H: It is a thing that exists, it was patented in 1999 so it's not that recent of a thing and it was by Liam(?~6:09) so congratulations to them on their patent, no idea if that is a thing that has gotten used yet. It looks very fancy.

J: You wanna know something interesting about the guy who invented that?

H: Sure, John.

J: I mean, prepare to be really, really surprised.

H [laughs]: Ok.

J: I have met him.

H: Really?! Which one?

J: Dr. (?~6:35)

H [laughs]: Tell me about Dr. (?~6:38)!

J: I met him when I wa shaving all kinds of weird eye problems that turned out to be orbital cellulitis. (?~6:45)