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What is the point of love if it always ends? How do I scream? How do I stop a surprise avian ring delivery? And more!

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*Intro music plays*

J: Hello and welcome to dear John and Hank.

H: Or as I like to think of it, the actual name of the podcast, Dear Hank and John.

J: Sorry, Hank. I've been gone for a few weeks and I wanted to just take control of the reins today. It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers offer you dubious advice, answer your questions and bring you all the week's new from both Mars and-- da da da daaaaaaa-- AFC Wimbledon! League one's richest side? More to come, later in the podcast.

H: Oooooo there's news. John, how are you doing today?

J: Well we are in real life together. We're in Los Angeles, California. I am in a great mood because the movie rights to my book Tutles All the Way Down-- it's happening.

H: Someone purchased them.

J: Not just someone, the same people at Fox 2000 who made the Fault in Our Stars and Papertowns movies, Elizabeth Gabler and Aaron Seminoff.

H: How do you find out about that? What happens when you find out that someone got the movie rights to your book? Says a person who has no thing that this will one day maybe happen to him.

J: No thing-- have you been drinking?

H: A little bit.

J: Ok. First you get a phone call that says that someone is interested in the movie rights and then, in this case, like eight weeks later after lots of conversations and talking about how to visualize deeply internal abstract though processes, you decide to do it! I'm really excited. I did not think that this would ever be a movie. I didn't think that anybody could see it as a movie, but I don't know, I was just so moved by the way they talked about it and the way that they're thinking about it and I can't wait. I am really thrilled. Now not everything that gets auctioned becomes a movie. It's not guaranteed to become a movie, but it is really exciting and it's the same people who made The Fault in Our Stars and Papertowns movies.

 (02:00) to (04:00)

J: I trust them so much. The relationship that we've had over the years has been so cool so it's really exciting. How are you doing?

H: I'm good. It's late.

J: It's 9:27. 

H: It's late for me. I'm sleepy. I got up at 4:40 this morning, so that's how I'm feeling. But I'm glad that we can be in the same place to make a podcast together and I'm glad that we can learn together a little bit about what people are curious about in the world and also maybe about cups.

J: Oh you have been drinking.

*Hank giggles*

J: Hank.

H: Yeah.

J: Would you like a question from our listeners?

H: You don't want to read my poem?

J: What's your poem?

H: My poem that I posted about the fruit flies. 

J: Just go ahead and read it.

*Typing noises*

J: People can hear all your typing and it makes them think that you're not paying attention to the pod, which you're not.

H: I'm looking up my fruit fly poem!

*John laughs*

H: A fruit fly flew through my window screen.
There between the window and the screen, she pupated.
Now, too large to fit back through the screen,
She wanders in the sunlight, searching, alone.

J: It's good, Hank. I would not pursue a career as a poet as such, but I think that was very good.

H: There's also a huge problem which is that adult fruit flies can't pupate. It's just not how it works. Only larva pupate, and then they become adults and that's the whole thing. And I feel weird that that scientifically inaccurate and also bad poem got two thousand likes on twitter.

J: Two thousand likes? Man, people really will hit that heart button for anything these days. 

H: Well I'll tell you what, that is one of my more successful tweets recently.

J: You know, I've noticed that there's this whole thing on twitter where people are taking that great William Carlos Williams poem about the plums and turning it into lyrics from the popular music song All Star.

 (04:00) to (06:00)

J: Are you familiar with this meme?

H: No.

J: Do you the poem in question?

H: No, but I do know All Star.

J: Ok great. So there's a William Carlos Williams poem-- I don't know exactly how it goes, but I'm gonna give you my version of it. This is my attempt to recite a William Carlos Williams poem. I've had a couple drinks, but fewer than Hank. 
I have taken the plums
That were in the icebox
And which you were probably saving
For breakfast.
Forgive me,
they were delicious. 
So sweet, and so cold.
And here's the version that's been making the rounds on the social media. Hank?

H: *singing* Hey now, you're an icebox, get your plums on, so sweet. 

J: That's not the best version. Hank, that's not the best version at all!

H: I was on a website that was telling me these plum jokes and now there's a video playing: "this construction unfolds into a home in just hours and costs only 33,000 dollars." And I'm like, this is not what was happening. I was not on a home construction website, I was looking at plum memes!

J: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Suddenly Hank went from pleasant drunk to really aggressive belligerent drunk. 

H: I just don't like it when videos autoplay, John.

J: Wow you are coming way too hard about videos autoplaying. By the way, you know where I like videos autoplaying? At I'm strongly in favor of it.

H: Yeah cause it's what I'm there for.

J: How do you like a moment on twitter?

H: *singing* 
Now I'm falling asleep, and she's eating my plums, and he's opened the icebox and she's taking a plum, now I'm looking for plums, and my stomach feels sick, now it's all in my head, so sweet and so cold now! I don't really know how that song goes that well.

J: I was going to say, Nick, for Hank's sake, delete that.

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