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Who was the first joshing Josh? Do bugs understand glass? How do I learn to chill? And more!

probablysignedturtles.com

Email us: hankandjohn@gmail.com
patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

 (00:00) to (02:00)


(Intro music)

H: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank & John, the 100th episode extravaganza spectaculalr!  

J: Or as I prefer to think of it, the 100th episode extravaganza spectacular of Dear John & Hank.

H: It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother, John, answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.  John, how are you doing on our 100th episode?

J: I'm doing well.  I apologize for taking a couple of weeks off, but as you know, Hank, I have been signing my name over and over again because I'm signing 200,000 copies of my new book Turtles All The Way Down coming out October 10th anywhere you buy books.  Also, I wanted to let you know, Hank, there's a new website.  It's a hot new website, everybody's going there, some people say it's the biggest new website to hit the internet in many years and do you know what the URL is?

H: What is it, John?

J: Probablysignedturtles.com, a guide to getting a probably signed pre-order of my book, Turtles All The Way Down.  That's probablysignedturtles.com.  Here's an amazing fact that's gonna blow your mind.

H: Okay.

J: No one had ever attempted to register the website probablysignedturtles.com ever before. 

H: So, John, in like, 10 years, are you gonna still be upkeeping probablysignedturtles.com and if so, is it just gonna be like, we'll send you a turtle, it may or may not be signed by John Green?

J: Yeah, no, we're gonna change our business model actually to probablysignedturtles.  There's a 60% chance that you will get a turtle in the mail signed by me on the shell and then there's a 40% chance that you're just getting a turtle.  

H: Well, what if there's like a 40% chance you get nothing?  That's just gambling, I guess.  

J: It's a probably signed turtle, but there's a 40% chance that I'm just gonna steal your money.   How are you, Hank?

H: I'm good.  Right before I was doing this, as you know, I'm very busy, I have a lot to do.  So right before--

J: I hate it when people complain about being busy.  I spend nine hours a day signing my name over and over again but do I complain about being busy? 

 (02:00) to (04:00)


I watch--I've watched every second of the Tour de France.  I've--I would argue that I've participated more in the Tour de France than some of the people who are biking in the Tour de France.  I have suffered with them, Hank.  I have crawled up the (?~2:23) and the Alps with them while signing my name over and over again, but do I whine about being busy?  No.  

H: John, if you hadn't interrupted me, then I would have been able to make a funny joke about how instead of being busy, I was watching competitive tag.  

J: Oh my God, I was also just watching competitive tag.

H: Were you?!

J: We clearly browse the same website, probablysignedturtles.com, where you can find all kinds of wonderful social media.  I--competitive tag is amazing.  

H: Yeah, well, I mean, the thing is, it's not called competitive tag, of course, because all tag is competitive.  There's no non-competitive tag, but uh, there's this sport, and it's like, free running combined with tag where these two fit individuals run at each other and try to touch--one of them tries to not get touched and it's, and I think they have like 15 seconds to actually, 'cause apparently it's pretty hard to not get touched, and it is an amazing feat and I watched like this .gif of it, and then I was like, I need to watch lots of that and luckily, I was able to find some videos of competitive tag tournaments and you know, John, I think that the sports we have right now are okay, but I think that they are of another era and that we really do need ESPN The Ocho to come along and show us the sports that like, wait a second, why aren't these the sports?  No offense, current sports.

J: I mean, I certainly agree that we need ESPN The Ocho because I don't know how else we're gonna get third tier English soccer onto American cable.  

H: I just, I mean, I just have to like, I don't, like, when I watch things like competitive tag, I'm like why even is there baseball?  Like, I--

J: Ohh, that's very hurtful to all the baseball fan fans, and I just wanna say to those fans, we support you 100%.

 (04:00) to (06:00)


Speaking of 100%, I did not prepare a short poem for the day, so can we move right into questions from our listeners?

H: Yeah, you got one for me?

J: I do, it's from Savannah.  I just feel like this is one of those, it's a time-sensitive question, because she sent it in three weeks ago and I feel like if we wait any longer to answer it, Savannah's going to be in a really tight spot.  "Dear John and Hank, How do I politely tell a friend who is over at my house that they need to go home now?  Much love, Savannah."  

H: I hope that the friend isn't like, still there.  

J: I suspect they are.

H: Is that what you're imagining?

J: In my experience, it's very difficult to tell someone who doesn't know when it's time to leave that it's time to leave.

H: Yeah, I mean, there's all these like, like, cute little signals.  One of, actually, that, well, there's all these cute little signals that people do.  They're like, stand up from the thing and they start washing the dishes and like, clear signs.

J: Yep.  None of that works.

H: My--I have some like, I don't know what they are, they're relations of my wife.  They're old people and when it is--when they feel that feeling, what they say is, "Well, it's time to go to bed, so these people can go home."  

J: Ah, that's a good one.  I have a different strategy, which is that I start referencing media that I think will communicate my message but hopefully in a subtle way.  So for instance, I would say, um, "Hey, have you guys seen that really great new movie, Get Out?  It's an amazing film.  It's funny, it's scary, it's really surprisingly smart.  GET OUT is the name of the movie."  

H: It's good.  Subliminal.  

J: Another one that I've tried is, "Hey, do you remember that Jack Nicholson movie, The DEPARTed?"  

 (06:00) to (08:00)


That's a good one to use.  And then the last one that I like to make sure to use sometimes is, there's a, I say like, "I don't know if you guys have ever read the Sartre play, No EXIT, but it's a really good play and in it, there's no way for people to get away from other people and that turns out to be literally hell."  

H: Okay, I think this is--we've covered the ground.  My advice, start doing the dishes, John's advice, just yell at them in the middle of talking about other things.  

J: There's a great new HBO show, actually, it just wrapped up, it's called The LEAVEtovers.  

H: Is it?

J: No, it's called The Leftovers, but I am not--I am willing to make a strained pun to get people out of my house if necessary.

H: You are reaching.  You are rea--(laughs).  This question, this next question that we have, comes from Ryan, John.  It's not actually Ryan, it's just an anonymous person.  "Hello Dear Hank & John, I was watching your video on the US extraction from the Paris climate agreement and I was wondering how all of this data on climate change was even found.  Most of my family denies that climate change exists, and they always ask me that.  I can't answer them well, because I have no idea.  I just don't know how the information is gathered.  Tumultuously confused in Texas, Name omitted and replaced with Ryan."  

J: How do we know, Hank, that climate change is real?  What is climate science?  Tell me more.  I don't know anything about these things.

H: Well, I mean, how we know climate change is real is a pretty broad, all over question, like, we know it from, you know, ecology, we know it from physics, we know it from biology, we know it from climate science, which is its own thing.  There's a lot of--basically, oftentimes with things like this, you have a lot of different phenomena explained by the same thing, and that is why there is so much consensus around climate change, but in terms of the actual how, like, how the data is collected, I think that's a really interesting question where you're like, well, so, it seems like the temperatures are going up, but how do we know that?  Is it just like a bunch of people with thermometers out there being like, well, today it was 92 and then like, writing that down on a piece of paper and telling it to a raven and sending it off to the citadel?  

 (08:00) to (10:00)


No.  We have a number of different ways that we do that.  We have satellites that do it, and do it pretty well on a sort of like, broad everywhere scale.  They can tell how warm the, and like, they can tell like, how warm different parts of the Earth are, or of the atmosphere are.  We also have weather balloons that go up every single day, hundreds of them, in America.  Weather balloons that shoot up through the atmosphere, take readings all the way through the atmosphere.  So we're not just measuring the temperature on the surface of the Earth but also through the atmosphere and then those weather balloons pop and the things fall to the Earth and they break and we never use them again and we do that hundreds of times every day.  We also have, of course, ground-based stations that have been collecting temperature data for a long, long, long, long time.

J: So, we know that the Earth is getting warmer, but do we know that humans are causing the Earth to get warmer and do we know that if the projections about how warm the Earth is gonna get are correct?

H: Well, John, that wasn't Ryan's question, first of all.  Second of all, that's just a--

J: I know, but I'm trying to--I'm trying to see things from Ryan's family's perspective.

H: Yeah.  Well, that's the thing, like, with conversations like these, if you want to be a climate scientist, you have to be a climate scientist, so in order for me to answer those questions, like, fully and accurately and deeply, like, there are entire departments at many universities that are dedicated to those questions, which is why it's like, well, at a certain point, maybe we trust that, you know, not super well-paid people who are doing this for a living.  Like it's their job and their passion.  

 (10:00) to (12:00)


The consensus is yes, climate change is happening.  It's, of course, very difficult to project precisely what the Earth is gonna look like in 50 years and how warm the atmosphere will be and which is why there's a range of guesses, but all of the guesses are hotter than it is right now, and the upper level ones are pretty bad and pretty scary, which is why it would be nice if we just sort of like, agreed that it was a problem and do many of the things we're already doing to help solve for it, which is create more efficient vehicles, create electric powered vehicles, start using more renewable energy, burn less and less and less and less coal, which everyone's doing now because it's becoming less economically viable to burn coal and natural gas is more efficient and increasingly easy to get.  Also, when renewables are becoming more economically viable which is very, very exciting and that like, isn't just great for like, moving us--ushering us forward into having you know, billions of people on a planet and being able to sustain that planet, but also, like, you know, making power less expensive for people and you know, as these things get more efficient and cheaper, um, that's good for everybody.  

J: Yeah, I mean, the only thing I'd add to that, Hank, is that we have to--if you don't believe in expertise, you cannot navigate the world.  Like, if you do not acknowledge and allow for other peoples' expertise, if you don't allow for the expertise of physicists, you cannot get in a car and trust that it will not crash.  

H: Yeah.

J: We trust experts all the time, every day.  It is only when what the experts say is inconvenient to us that we suddenly find ourselves saying, but wait, why are we trusting the experts?  

H: Yes, wait, explain to me exactly how all data is collected in this search and it, you know, and when, you know, when you have an incomplete picture, it's suddenly really fun and feels really easy to poke holes, and yeah, and that is a problem that we have right now.

 (12:00) to (14:00)


J: That is a big, I would argue, that is our biggest problem as a species at the moment.  Well, I don't know, it's probably still malaria.  Um, okay, this question comes from Ally, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, In a recent epiosde of the podcast, Hank made an off-hand remark about "joshing" your partner.  Who was the Josh for whom this term was coined and what did he do to earn such notoriety?  Etomology and Earthquakes, Ally."  Hank, do you know which Josh you were referring to?  

H: Uh, uh, I, no, I mean, the d--I--no.  I mean, the term 'joshing' is, I didn't make it up or anything!

J: You didn't make it up.

H: But it must be some Josh.

J: It was, it was probably some Josh, but we also don't know which Josh it was originally referring to.  It was first used in 1845, but we do know that the word didn't become popular until it was associated with this American humorist from the 19th century, Josh Billings.  Have you ever heard of him?  He was like, sort of a--he was like the poor man's Mark Twain, and today, even today, he is the poor man's Mark Twain, but he is responsible for a lot of quotes that we hear, although he never said them in like, quite the pithy way that they are today remembered.

H: Right, uh-huh.

J: He's one of those people.

H: Yup, yup.

J: So he did write, "But the wheel that does the squeaking is the one that gets the grease" which is not quite--

H: The squeakiest wheel gets the grease?

J: Exactly! He's--he almost got there.

H: Well, that's the thing, that's the thing.  Well, when you're writing, you're not, like, you're not trying to create an aphorism.  Like, you're trying, you're like, this is part of a larger document and you say--

J: Well, actually, if you're Josh Billings, you literally are trying to create aphorisms.

H: You probably are.  Oh.  Okay.

J: He just wasn't quite, he wasn't quite there.  He's got another great quote that you might recognize, "As in a game of cards, so in the game of life, we must play what is dealt to us, and the glory consists not so much in winning as in playing a poor hand well," which is a beautiful quote, but not quite as good as "play the cards that you're dealt."  

 (14:00) to (16:00)


H: I love Josh Billings.  This is my new favorite guy.  You should make a video on the things that he said that got pithified and became joshier.

J: So there is a Josh Billings quote that is one of my favorite quotes of all time, Hank, that is a proper, pithy quote and I do not know why it has not become, like, one of the major American aphorisms, because it is just, in my opinion, so perfect.  "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."

H: Aw, yeah.

J: Isn't that true?

H: That's, that's, yes.  Totally.  Absolutely, but not, but I understand why it hasn't become a thing, because nobody wants to hear that.  

J: I guess that's true.

H: Yeah, I wanna hear that I was playing the hand I was dealt and I want to hear that like, that squeaky guy over there keeps getting grease while nobody's paying any attention to me, but what I don't want to hear is forgive your enemies.

J: That's true.  That's also the part of the gospel that gets quoted the least, I find.  

H: I, do you think we all kind of have a Josh?  Like, does everybody have their Josh in their life who's a josher?  When you name your child Josh, do you just sort of have to expect that Josh is a josher?

J: Oh, you mean like a kidder?

H: Yeah.  Like, Josh Sundquist is probably my josher.

J: Uh, no, I feel like the Joshes in my life are not more or less funny than any of the other people.  In fact, I feel like the biggest like, josher in my life is Chris Waters and his name is Chris.  In fact, I would argue that we should call it Chrising.

H: Well, apparently, we should call it Marking because Josh Billings was just the poor man's Mark Twain.

J: Truly, truly poor.  Here's another one: "The lion and the lamb may possibly sometime lay down in this world together for a few minutes, but when the lion comes to get up, the lamb will be missing."  

 (16:00) to (18:00)


Almost there.  I mean, you need to distill it a little.  You're getting there.  

H: Just like, you, my friend, Josh Billings, are in need of an editor.  An editor the quality of John Green apparently, or just of time.  

J: Yeah, time'll do the work.

H: Time is the best editor.

J: Time is the best editor.  So there's your history of joshing, which reminds me, Hank, that today's podcast is brought to you by Josh Billings.  Josh Billings: I think mostly out of print these days, but um, probably nonetheless available online.

H: My guess is--yeah, I mean, the nice thing is, I feel like that's an--was Josh Billings like, pre-copyright?  

J: Yes, everything is in the public domain.

H: So we could potentially, John, you and I, put out like, a collection of Josh Billings' work and not have to pay anyone for it?

J: That is correct.  It's just what the world needs.  Hank and John bring you the unedited work of Josh Billings.

H: Oh, yeah.  I mean, well, also, I gotta say, this guy's got really great hair on his chin and head.

J: Yeah, he was a beautiful man, especially in terms of his hair.

H: Actually, yeah, he is a good looking dude.  This podcast is also brought to you by climate science models.  Climate science models: they're here.  They're here.  Get the--just, get used to it.  

J: Also this podcast is of course brought to you by the wonderful new movie Get Out!  It's great.  You should go see it at your house.  It is available for rent at your home right now.  Please go there.  Get out.

H: And finally, John, this podcast is brought to you by our 100th episode anniversary actual sponsor, it's not even a fake sponsor.  John, there's this service that I don't know that you've heard about.  

 (18:00) to (20:00)


They're not, like, they're not huge yet.

J: Yeah.

H: They haven't done a lot of podcast sponsorships.

J: Yep.

H: They haven't done a lot of sponsorships really anywhere, I think they're really trying to get their name out there.

J: Yep.

H: This is just a new company.  It's called SquareSpace.

J: SquareSpace.  Build it beautiful.  Hank, I have to tell you, you can go, not to put promo inside your promo so that I can promo while I promo, but right now, you can go to probablysignedturtles.com and see an excellent example of a website designed using SquareSpace.  Also--

H: I'm going to.

J: Also my regular website, johngreenbooks and I paid for those websites, I really use SquareSpace.  It is an amazing service, it really is.  I have to say, I just wanna say two things.  First, thanks to SquareSpace for sponsoring this episode.  I do think that SquareSpace is a really wonderful, wonderful service.  It allows you to build websites about whatever you're interested in, whether it's how to get pre-signed copies of your book about the world or a restaurant or whatever you're interested in, they have really great customer service.  It is a great kinda all-in-one platform where you don't ever have to upgrade or update or change anything.  It just works, which is awesome, and the second thing I wanna say is that SquareSpace has allowed for like, this, by supporting creators directly, it has like, allowed for this new economy in the world of podcasts that I think has helped podcasts grow bigger and more diverse and interesting and so I'm grateful to them.  You can get 10% off of your first order at squarespace.com/dearjohn, that is the website to go to if you want to get 10% off.

H: You can also, if you wanted to, also if you wanted to, you could maybe--

J: squarespace.com, let me finish, let me finish.  

H: Go to squarespace.com/--

J: Hank, I am in the middle of my promo read.

H: Yeah, okay.  Okay.

J: Squarespace.com/dearjohn.  That's dear, J-O-H-N.  Don't write dear anything else.  It won't work.  

H: If you want to use dearhank, squarespace.com/dearhank, that will also work.  I'm not saying that we're gonna count and we're gonna see who more people do, but there is two available.

 (20:00) to (22:00)


You can go to squarespace.com/dearjohn or you can go to squarespace.com/dearhank, which is, I think that it's just easier to type.  I think that there's too much right hand action going on with 'john'.

J: I mean, the great thing about John is that you can type it all with your right hand.

H: I don't ever really know which hand to use to type--Yeah.  

J: With Hank, you're like, getting on to every possible hand.  You got, you almost have to have a fifth hand to type dearhank.

H: It's nice to mix it up.  It's nice to go on both hands.  

J: I've always loved my name it is a right hand typed name, which I've always been grateful to my parents for, but anyway, you can experience the joy of typing my name by going to squarespace.com/dearjohn and getting 10% off your SquareSpace order.  Thanks again to SquareSpace for being our first ever actual sponsor.  

H: Did you know, John, that the, there is one, what the longest word you can type with just one hand is?

J: I do.

H: Oh, what is it?  LIAR!  You can't just say I do and not know and start Googling!  

J: It's rupturewart.

H: You Googler.  

J: Wait, that's not even right.  That's not even right!  Gosh dang it, Google.

H: Well, I mean, it really, it depends on what you count a word.  Aftercataracts, apparently, is a word.  It doesn't sound like--

J: Aftercataracts is not a word.  That's ludicrous.

H: Yeah.  I agree.

J: Aftercataracts is clearly two words.  Cataracts is an impressively long one, though.

H: Whenever I type the word 'garage', which I do often when I'm opening up GarageBand, which is how I record this podcast, I'm always like, whohoo, didn't need that right hand at all and it's a surprisingly good feeling, but using just the right hand for me for some reason feels really wrong, which is why you should use squarespace.com/dearhank.

J: Wow.  I mean, I appreciate you, I appreciate your commitment to the URL.  I'm surprised that you can spell monopoly with one hand.  

 (22:00) to (24:00)


That's a shock to me.

H: Well, yeah, there are more, there are longer ones with the left hand than with the right hand, which is interesting.  

J: Really?

H: I'm not sure what that's about.  Yeah.  Teetertotter, all one hand, all the left hand.  

J: Oh, really?

H: Yeah.  

J: What about the o in teetertotter?  

H: You know, John.  I think maybe your keyboard looks a little different from mine.

J: Oh, really?  Is your o over there on the left or is it where my Q is?  I think you might be looking at the Q and seeing an O.  

H: Yeah, no, that's where my O is.  I switched it because I was like, the Q, that doesn't belong here.

J: Aggregated.  Stewardesses.  

H: Oh, stewardesses.  I want to type that right now.

J: What!  Oh my gosh, I'm having a great time now.

H: Stewardes...oh yeah, that's crazy.  Rupture.  What is this, a tesseradecades?  Tesseradecades.  Wow!

J: Tesseradecades is a very...that's a very mar--in my opinion, an extremely marginal word.  

H: It's a group of 14.

J: Right, but I mean, if we're talking about words that everybody uses in regular conversation.

H: Well, is that like a dozen?  Like, like, it's like a dozen but with 14?  A group like...there are tesseradecades and tesseradecades of them!  

J: Yeah, like I said.  I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know what?  I think we should move on from this bit.  Thanks, SquareSpace.

H: Thanks, SquareSpace.  Alright, okay, here's another question.  It comes from Emily, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, I work at a Jimmy John's.  Recently, while I was cleaning tables by our big front windows, I watched a bug ram its little body to the glass from the outside several times before just landing and chilling on the window for a while.  This makes me wonder.  Do bugs understand glass?  Are windows a constant perplexing struggle in their daily bug lives?  Sandwiches and spiders, Emily."  Well, I'm glad at least the bug was on the outside of the Jimmy John's, that's encouraging to know.

J: I have a theory about this, Hank.  Can I tell you my theory?

H: Okay.  Sure.  Oh my gosh, you have a theory about this.  What a shock.

J: Well, as you know, I'm not a scientist, but I am a person who makes statements with a lot of confidence regardless of whether they're correct.

 (24:00) to (26:00)


H: Oh, yep, yep, me too.  

J: I don't think that bugs understand what glass is.  I don't think they get the idea of glass,  but I think that there is enough reflection off the glass, almost always, that they recognize that it is a barrier of some kind.

H: Uh, I think that they can and cannot.  So, there are some types of glass that bugs will see better and probably the glass at the Jimmy John's is UV coated and bugs, I think, I think, can mostly see in the UV range and so will see that there is something there.  It won't look totally transparent to them like it looks to us.  So, probably, probably, but at the same time, like a bug's not gonna do that to a wall.  It's not just gonna like, bang bang bang bang against a wall, right?

J: Right.  Well, unless it really, I guess it's because there's light that it wants to get to.  I mean, like, in our house for instance at night, there's always like a wall of moths against the windows trying to get inside because there's light inside and they think it's the moon or whatever.  It does--bugs are not very smart and I often think about like, I anthropomorphize them a little bit and I think like, man, it must be so weird being a bug and like going around the human world and just being like, why have these people built all this crap?  Why do they need all of this stuff to support their little lives?

H: Why do they put the lights inside a box that I can't get through?  Why do they do that?  

J: Yeah.  

H: Those jerks.

J: But like, also, like, why have they cre--why do they live in that much space?  

H: Yeah.

J: Like, why have they made that much inside when like, you only need a tiny amount of inside because in a bug's opinion, like, outside is so enjoyable.  I just think we must look so weird to bugs.

H: I mean, I think we would look weird to bugs if bugs thought about anything.

 (26:00) to (28:00)


The thing I gotta say to Emily as a person who understands the tiniest amount about bug behavior.  Bugs don't understand windows because bugs don't understand anything.  Understanding is a pretty high order thing.  

J: You know what I've been thinking about recently, Hank?  

H: No.  

J: Slightly related to this topic.

H: But I'm glad we're gonna get off it a little bit.  

J: It's really, really hard to go from like, single-celled life to multi-cellular life and then, of course, it's like, hard to go, like, the layers of complexity increase and everything, but I actually think that if we went extinct, I'm not an evolutionary biologist, as you might know, but I actually, I feel like if we went extinct, it wouldn't be that long until a really smart species came along again, possibly even smarter than us, because I don't think we've set a particularly high bar.  I don't think it would be that long, because I think, like, given that life tends to grow more complex and more diverse over time, once we extinctify ourselves, which as you know, I think is like a 1000 to 2000 year event, probably, but if we could make it past that, I think we can be good for a while.  Anyway, I just think that like, the hard part, we already did by getting to multi-cellular life.

H: Yeah, no, I think you are absolutely correct.  I don't know that it would be fast in terms of how we think about fast, but we would definitely be fast and--

J: No, millions of years.  

H: It would definitely be fast in terms of evolutionary biology.  Like, there was like a billion years where it was just single-celled life and then from dinosaurs to now is like 65 million.  The--

J: Right.

H: And also there are a lot of other smart animals on the planet right now, we learn over and over again, and that's things that are similar to us, like you know, monkeys, but also a little bit different from us like, like dolphins, and also very very different from us, like, like cephalopods.

 (28:00) to (30:00)


Like, we are always, like, continuously shocked by how smart octopuses are.  So, yeah.

J: I think you mean octopodes.

H: Octopodes.  But, I--

J: Oh no, I think you mean, I'm gonna stick with my original pronounciation, octopodes.

H: I just, saying that that is correct and also octopodes is correct, so that's the way that I pronounce it, it's like .gif and .jif.  The--

J: Actually, according to the internet, only you are correct.  

H: I don't care at all.  I don't think that that--I'm not gonna fight that one really, but I'm glad you looked it up.  Yeah.  That, yeah, I think like, that leap that we made is a big leap, but I don't think that we would be the last species to make it if we stop existing.  I think that it would be very hard to have humans stop existing completely.  

J: Uh, I mean, it's not gonna be that hard.  

H: I think it'd be very easy to have most humans stop existing and for a lot of civilization to stop existing and a lot of technology to stop existing, but I mean, I think it'd be pretty hard to get rid of all people.  We're--we are, we are just good at surviving.

J: I mean, you say that about a species that's been around for 250,000 years.  We're one of the least successful extant species in the world.

H: In terms of, in terms of years on the planet, but in terms of speed with which our biomass and biomass that we control has increased, we are the most successful species on the planet. 

J: Yeah, but let me ask you a question, Hank.  If you're a YouTuber, would you rather be the kind of person who built, like, a massive audience really, really quickly or would you rather be the kind of person who like, had slow and steady growth over years and years?

H: You're right, John.  I would rather be, you know, WheezyWaiter, if--

J: Than, you know, like, somebody who says dab before dabbing.  

 (30:00) to (32:00)


H: Yeah, to each their own, John.  

J: Indeed, no, I'm just saying, like, I think that if we're a species that has grown quickly, that may just mean that the other side of the mountain will also be steep.

H: Mhm.  Yeah, I just think that, I think that getting to zero is gonna, that's gonna flatten out a lot, but that's just me and that's just where I'm at, John.  It's just where--

J: Mm, man, I think we could get to zero very, very quickly.  You know what the funny thing is?  We're never gonna get to settle this bet because if I'm right, I won't even be around to gloat, and if you're right, you will be, so actually--

H: Well, no, I probably won't be.  We'll probably both won't make it.

J: That's true.

H: But I just, I have a lot of friends who are like, survivalists, you know, they have, they like, have bow and arrows and tents.  

J: No.  No.  Survivalists are not gonna do any better than the rest of us when this stuff comes down, because you can't be a survivalist from like, the super-cholera that kills us all. 

H: Right, sure.  I mean, I guess if it's super cholera.  I hope it's not super cholera, John, that doesn't sound like fun at all.

J: Well, what are you hoping it is?  I'm hoping it's nothing.

H: I mean, I--

J: What are you rooting for, nuclear apocalypse?  Huge explosion of the Yellowstone volcano?  What would be good?

H: I was, yeah, I was just sorta thinking, like, my imagining of the apocalypse is just sort of a breaking down of systems.  So like, the idea that it all happens at once to me doesn't really work.  It's like, suddenly, like, the trucks with the gasoline stop coming and then when the trucks with the gasoline stop coming, then the trucks with the food stop coming and then when the trucks with the food stop coming, people start stabbing each other.  

J: Right, okay, but I don't know that I totally agree with that, by the way.  I think that, I don't buy the nasty brutish and short vision of the state of nature, but my question is what causes the trucks to stop coming and the answer is almost invariably super cholera.  Like, some disease that is ravaging people and that does not care whether you own a bow and arrow or not.  

 (32:00) to (34:00)


Do you disagree?

H: I mean, John, if we're gonna, like, we have, I think, on Dear Hank and John, does a fairly good job of covering possible apocalypse scenarios.  I just don't feel like we need to spend any more time on it.

J: Alright.  I will say, the last thing I wanna say on this topic though, Hank, is that you have convinced me to become a person who has a large amount of water sitting in the basement.  I have a two week supply of water sitting in the basement so that I can watch the world burn for two weeks before I go and join the zombie hordes.

H: I will say that the US government suggests that you have three days worth of water and food for every member of your household and I think that's a really good and not crazy and not doomsday prepper kind of thing to do, and if you wanna up that to a week or two, that's also fine.  It's not, it's not a huge square footage commitment in your house, I would assume, but um, but yeah, I think that like, when I think about those, that three day supply, I'm like, you know like, why the US government wants that?  Because it takes three days to like, really mount a significant emergency response and if, in those three days, people are more or less taken care of, that makes everyone's job so much easier and I really, like I honestly do think that everyone should have three days' supply of food and water for every member of their household, so.

J: Man, I think SquareSpace would be so psyched to know that they're sponsoring this weird doomsday podcast.  

H: Yeah.

J: It's so appropriate on the 100th episode of Dear Hank and John, we finally go deep with our doomsday apocalypse scenarios and how much water to have.  

H: Yeah.

J: Alright, I got, I've gotta go home and make sure I got 12 days of water per the US government's suggestion.  

H: Three.  Oh, okay.  For every member, yes, good, good, good, good.

J: But let's get to another question from our listeners, Hank.  

H: This question comes from Jenny, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, The school year is coming to an end and I'm full of the usual feelings of excitement, sorrow, and nostalgia.  

 (34:00) to (36:00)


This year, something else.  I have a teacher who I really like and will really miss next year and I want her to know how much I enjoyed the classes I took with her on the last day.  I'll be in her class last, so it will be a nice end, but I don't know how.  I know I'll feel awkward doing it, but I really want to.  How do I tell my teacher in a meaningful way how much I enjoyed her class?  Reading and history, Jenny."  Really sorry, Jenny, that this answer came after the school year ended, but.

J: Yeah, great work, John and Hank.  

H: But for everybody else who this might help, and also maybe Jenny can do something retroactively.

J: I mean, here's the thing.  You always feel awkward saying that stuff or it makes you uncomfortable or it makes you nervous.  You think you're gonna make an idiot out of yourself, but the thing that your teacher probably wants more than anything is to know that she has made a difference in the lives of students and to tell her that is not an inconvenience to her.  It is a gift to her.  

H: Yeah.  I mean, I, my guess is that a card will be literally a million times more than she's ever gotten before, and that's gonna--

J: Well, not literally a million times, no.  

H: In--right.  Infinite.  

J: A million cards might be a million times more, but I don't know that the listener can necessarily afford a million cards, nor in fact, am I completely convinced that the teacher would like to receive them.  I mean, Hank, you throw around big numbers but you don't know what they're--what they actually mean until you sign 200,000 pieces of paper.  You don't know how many a million is.  

H: What I meant to say--

J: It's, at the end of this thing, I would only be 1/5th of the way to signing a million cards.

H: Oy-yoy-yoy.  What I meant to say, what I was intending to get across is that it will be infinitely more because she will never have even received a card before and like, like, I certainly never thought deeply or hard enough to thank my teacher in any way at the end of the school year, and so taking the time to do that and to just like, like, write some stuff in a card and just, like, you don't have to like be face to face and all like weird and uncomfortable about it, 'cause that's probably gonna be weird and uncomfortable, though if you can pull it off, 100% do it, but it's easier to write some words down in a card and hand it to them and say thank you so much or send it to them since maybe you've missed your opportunity to hand it in on the last day of class, but also--

 (36:00) to (38:00)


J: Yeah, I mean, I've received a few of those cards over the years and I have to say I've kept them all and sometimes I still read them and they make me cry and it sounds like this teacher has had a much more meaningful impact on your life than I've had on anybody's, so yeah, I think you should, I absolutely think you should say something and I also think that you should put it in a card.  I agree with Hank 100%, but don't put it in a million cards.  

H: Don't put it in a million cards and if you want, you can also do any kind of--like, you could give them a book you really love, you can give them, you know, a bumper sticker, like any old thing is gonna feel, is a nice thing.  You don't have to overthink it.  

J: This next question comes from Milicent, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, Next semester, I have class with a writer I've loved for years.  I read her first book of short stories in 2010 when they came out and now she teaches at my college and I'm taking screenwriting with her.  The only words I've said to her face so far are oh my god, this is so embarrassing, I love you.  I've interacted with her several times since this moment, but I've never managed to breathe long enough to speak."  Oh boy.  "How do I learn to chill?  Always your friend, Milicent.  P.S.  That's how Hemingway signed off his letters."  Although he wasn't always your friend, so that's a, that's a curious irony, I guess, in Hemingway's life.  So, Hank, this is a field in which we have a little bit of experience on both sides of the coin.  

 (38:00) to (40:00)


H: Definitely.  Have I told my Neil Gaiman story on the podcast before, John? 

J: Probably, but tell it again.  

H: I was backstage at the one year anniversary of the release of The Fault in Our Stars where we did our Carnegie Hall show.

J: Yeah.

H: And Neil Gaiman came to do a dramatic reading of a scene and there were a bunch of other great people there.  Kimya Dawson and John Darnielle and Hannah and Grace were there.  We had a fantastic time and I was signing posters backstage.  Neil Gaiman came and sat down next to me and I was like, aaah, freaking out.  I was freaking out.  100% freaking out and he like, told me a whole story about how the first time we met, and I'm using air quotes because at that point, like, I was just in his signing line and I had him like, deliver a message to John and say 'Good morning, John' at a show, a reading that he did in Montana, and he signed my book and he did this whole story about how like, he told me this whole thing, I was amazed--it was like, heartfelt, and like, like, about how just before that show, his dog had died and there, like, that it had been a really important show for him to like, keep working and moving and doing stuff and like, and feeding off of the positive feelings that his community and audience had for him and I just sat there and I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh, yep, yep, uh-huh, and I couldn't say anything.  I couldn't do anything, I couldn't talk about any of the dogs that I've known that have died.  I couldn't, I could not relate at all or speak in sentences to him and still have never ever been able to like, have a normal conversation, and like, that kind of, like I feel like that super sucks for Neil, right?  

J: Right.  Yeah.  No, I think it does.  I mean, what I think is weird is that some people I really really admire, I can talk to like well, people, and some people I can't, and it doesn't have anything to do with them, you know?  It is entirely about me, like, when I see Patrick Rothfuss or talk to Patrick Rothfuss on the phone, I love his work.

 (40:00) to (42:00)


I think he is an actual genius and I can talk to him like a normal person or when I talk to Jacqueline Woodson who I think is, you know, like, one of the great geniuses of childrens' book writing ever, I can talk to her like a normal person.  When I met Sherman Alexie, no dice.  It just did not--I did, and I just, I just, I couldn't, I couldn't, I tried like three different times and then I was like, you know what?  Time to quit.  Like, the--if I've learned one thing from if you can't keep your chill, it's cut your losses.

H: I--this year at VidCon, we met the cast of Pitch Perfect 2 and I totally weirded out on them.  

J: You did.  You went a little too hard.  You did come a little too hard, 'cause you were like, guys, I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I liked Pitch Perfect 2 better than Pitch Perfect 1 and they were like, yeah, thanks, that's cool.  We like it too, and you were like, yeah, no, it's great, and I was like, that's enough, Hank, that's enough.  

H: I mean--

J: Time to end.

H: You're not going all the way because you're not telling them what I said because I'm not also going to tell them what I said.

J: Yeah, I'm not gonna--

H: 'Cause it was over a line.

J: Yeah, I'm not going to repeat everything it was way--you did, you did, um, you did go a little too far, but I understand it.  Like, it's exciting to meet people whose work you admire and who you probably never thought you were going to get to meet and especially to take a class with them is exciting, but if you're gonna--the thing is, you can't follow that cut your losses advice if you're gonna be in a class with them where they're giving you a grade.  Like, you're gonna, you're gonna have to chill.

H: Yeah.  Just like, John's advice is like, skip class, drop out of school, go away, never--

J: Yeah, cancel, do not go to that class.  Find a different class to attend.

H: Yeah.

J: No, I don't--the right advice is that eventu--I suspect that eventually, pretty quickly probably, when you have this person as a teacher, you will realize that they are just a person and even if they're one of those extremely charismatic, like, for instance, my college writing classes were taught by this guy, P.F. Kluge, who I really admired his writing and I definitely was super intimidated by him and part of the reason I was intimidated by him was because he was this larger than life presence, you know? 

 (42:00) to (44:00)


The way he talked, the way you couldn't wear hats in class or chew gum, the way you ha--like, the way he would notice the moment you weren't paying attention, he was one of those teachers, you know, and--but eventually, you start to realize that these people are people.  That they're just people, and that the work that they do isn't made by some like, genius, separate from the rest of humanity.   It's made from within humanity and I think if you can acknowledge that in someone then it becomes a lot easier to hang out with them.

H: Yeah, and I'll also say that I, I--at Eckerd, where I went--where I did my undergrad, Elie Wiesel taught a class and--

J: WOW.

H: --I always was like, I'm not--and of course, like, it was like, most people didn't get into it who wanted to take it, but I never even tried, because I was like, that's too scary for me, to try and--

J: Yeah.  

H: --take that class and now, of course, I regret that tremendously, so take the opportunities you have.

J: Do you, though?  I don't know, like, you know, like Toni Morrison teaches a couple classes at Princeton, I think she still does, and I remember my best friend from high school went to Princeton and he was like, man, I can't do it.  I can't--I can't--I can't do it.  I can't--I can't handle--like, I, and I totally get that, like, I couldn't handle learning from Toni Morrison.  It would be too cool, like I would not be able to ever recover my chill, I don't think, so I understand.  I definitely understand the problem, but yeah, it's funny, I mean, I've had--there have been a few times in my life, and I know this has happened to you, Hank, because I've seen it happen, where like, people ran up to me like, screaming and like, I don't know what to do.  

 (44:00) to (46:00)


J: I don't know how to handle being screamed at, even if it's very positive screaming.  

H: Yeah, yeah, I know.  It's a weird thing and like, it's something that nobody wants to complain about, of course, because it's like, it's wonderful and it's like a side effect of this great thing having happened to you, which is having a community, having an audience, and having people who want to consume the things that you create, but I do, like, I know a lot of my friends like, dread going on flights because they know that their, like, when they're going to be in a large, like an airport with a bunch of people, like there's gonna--like, it's not gonna just be like, like, you know, 6:00 in the morning doing this thing that you don't really want to do, but it's going to be doing it with a bunch of people who want something from you and--

J: Right.

H: I know, like, people who overmedicate themselves because of that and it like, upsets me that that's a, like, you know, that that is sometimes their reaction to that, and yeah, it bums me out.  

J: Yeah, it is a real thing.  It is a real thing, but it is also obviously, like, an extremely privileged problem.

H: Right, yeah.

J: There's a reason Jayden Animations' video that touches on this actually that I thought was just brilliant.  Like, it talks about it without ever seeming ungrateful.

H: Mhmm, yeah.

J: And it's really, really good, so I would also watch that video, maybe, for a little bit of insight into what your teacher might be experiencing in that situation.  Hank, we have to get to some comments and some corrections.  One very important correction that was sent in 652 billion times.  

H: Okay.  What did we do?

J: Alright, we said that the United States has the best barbecue in the world and a lot of people in Australia took that extremely personally.

H: Oh, well, John--

 (46:00) to (48:00)


J: Because apparently, Australia is the world's leading barbecuing nation among all of the nations in the Southern hemisphere on the continent of Australia.  

H: I'm--yeah, I just--I mean, I understand that throwing another shrimp on the barbie is apparently one of the, one of the things that we know about Australians.

J: Yes.

H: Just by being a human being in America for some reason, but America has the best barbecue.

J: I think mostly because of Outback Steakhouse.

H: Is that what it's from?  I don't know, but the important thing is that America has the best barbecue, like--

J: Yeah.

H: And it somebody in another country--

J:  I mean, I wanna, like--

H: --said that about their country, I would be offended and it's okay for you to be offended because like, Korean barbecue or Australian barbecue or Malaysian barbecue you think is better, American barbecue is better.  I'm American and I love American barbecue and you are wrong and it's okay for us to have different opinions and think that each other are wrong.  That's what opinions are for.

J: I agree with you, Hank, I just wanna add one thing, which is that right now--

H: What?

J: Barbecue is all that we have, okay, Australia?  So don't take away the one frickin' thing that we still have, okay?  We have really good barbecue.  We have--we don't have a great healthcare system.  I wouldn't say that our politics are functioning A++ right now.  I also wouldn't say Australia's politics are functioning A++, but we have this barbecue--

H: But their healthcare system is very good.

J: --thing and don't take it away from us, okay?  That's it.  I'm moving on.  We also got a correction from a bunch of people in Portland or in Seattle or any other MLS city criticizing my making fun of MLS, which I wasn't really doing, but the--many people in Portland wanted me to point out that the Portland Timbers were not formed in 2009 or whatever I said they were formed.  They were formed in 1975, although they've been out of business like 72 times in the intervening 40 years and the existing Portland Timbers were formed in 2001 and I want to apologize for claiming that your 14 year old club was only 8 years old.  

 (48:00) to (50:00)


H: Byron--

J: God, I am the most ungrateful corrector.

H: Also, Byron wanted to point out that there's a border collie that works at Cherry Capital Airport.  This border collie does not appear to catch birds that are inside, though.  I've gone to--

J: Yeah.

H: --its Instagram page, and it is a very good Instagram page, just fantastic dog shots.  It appears--

J: It's @airportk9

H: --Yeah.

J: Is the Instagram for this dog at Cherry Capital Airport.

H: Yeah, this dog is named Piper, I believe, and Piper, it appears, I think clears the runways of birds that might, I dunno, maybe not.  I can't tell.  Wildlife control canine.  

J: Do you know where Cherry Capital Aiport is, Hank?

H: No idea, John.  I assume it's in DC, 'cause--

J: It's in Traverse City, Michigan.

H: Well, I don't feel like this is a huge airport is my feeling.

J: To say that it's not a huge airport is a pretty significant understatement.  So just for a little co--oh, actually, you know, they have like, they've had like, 20 or 25 flights land just today.

H: Oh.

J: From Detroit, Chicago, and Minneapolis.  

H: Sounds--

J: So, they're doing okay in Traverse City.

H: Sounds about like Missoula, yeah. 

J: Yeah.  Alright, one other thing, Hank, that we've gotta get to.

H: Mh-mm, okay.

J: If you don't mind.

H: Oh man, I'm ready.  

J: This is from Lucretia, I'm so bad at names.

H: Lucretia.  It could be Lucretia.  

J: What is it?

H: Loo-cre-zia

J: Oh.  Rosianna just pronounced it correctly, it's Lu-cray-tz-ee-ah.  I mean, Rosianna speaks Spanish, which is a huge advantage in this situation.  

H: Okay.

J: Moving on.  Maybe we'll just edit in Rosianna's pronounciation.  "Dear John and Hank, I'm a climate scientist and would like to assuage some concerns raised in your most recent episode, while probably also adding some new ones."  Oh, climate scientists, always assuaging one concern only to add a new one.

 (50:00) to (52:00)


"There was a question about ancient bacteria thawing and causing epidemics as the ice caps melt and while you did correctly cite the concern of Anthrax and reindeer frozen in permafrost becoming a health issue, honestly, this isn't even one of the biggest problems.  One of the reasons for this is that the high latitudes tend to be less densely populated than the tropics or temperate zones, and so epidemics don't spread as fast or infect as many people.  Another is that there are so many other things to worry about.  For example, the comfortable living range of malaria-carrying mosquitoes is likely to spread to higher latitudes as temperatures in those areas increase, resulting in greater incidents of infection and floods caused by melting glaciers and rising sea levels will potentially spread water-borne diseases like cholera and dysentery, so if you want to worry about climate change-related diseases, you should probably start with those."  

H: And I do, John.  I do want to worry about climate change-related diseases and I am.

J: I should add that Lucretia signed off, "Eat and be merry, for tomorrow we die."

H: Oh, no.  Not in Montana, because we're pretty far out of the range of both sea level rises and also the comfortable range of malaria carrying mosquitos so everybody just come out here and raise up our property values.  We got lots of new rental apartments.  It's crazy right now.  John, do you got some news from AFC Wimbledon for me?

J: I do.  I do.  Hank, I have actually incredibly exciting news from AFC Wimbledon.  

H: Oh, good, well, it's been three weeks, so hopefully something happened.

J: I am, as you know, deeply concerned about AFC Wimbledon's season, as I think, at this point, a lot of AFC Wimbledon fans are, just because we've lost a lot of players without acquiring any new ones and we also don't have very much money and it--aaah, it's hard to be--it's hard to--it's just hard to survive in League One when you don't have any money and you're owned by your fans, so anyway.  There is, however, good news on, I would argue, good news on multiple levels, which is that AFC Wimbledon fans not living in the United Kingdom, which is to say you, me, and the vast majority of the people listening to this podcast, will be able to watch live streamed AFC Wimbledon games live inside their internet for a fee that they pay to AFC Wimbledon that AFC Wimbledon will then hopefully use to buy some players.  

 (52:00) to (54:00)


H: Unfortunately, they can't do that until you start playing some games.  

J: Right, well, the games start soon, but you should go to the AFC Wimbledon website to check it out.  Also, the games have been released.  The list of games, you know?  The like, schedule.  That's what it's called.  The list of games.  The traditional listing of the games.  AFC Wimbledon's first game is on August 5th against Scunthorpe.  I mean, it's always, it's always a wonderful day when you get to visit Scunthorpe, and then they play Brentford, Shrewsbury, and Fleetwood and Doncaster and Barnett all in August, so it's gonna be a big August for us, and then, sort of, you know, the matches that everyone looks to, September 22nd playing against the franchise that currently (?~53:14) its trade in Milton Keynes and Portsmouth, one of the biggest clubs in League One on September 9th, so it's about to start, Hank.  The season starts on August 5th.  Scunthorpe.  I'm very nervous.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna pretend I'm not nervous.  I'm extremely nervous.

H: Um.  I'm also nervous for you.  It does seem a little bit like there aren't gonna be enough players.  Is Lyle Taylor still there?

J: Lyle Taylor's still there, and there are technically enough players, Hank.  We've already played a couple of--

H: Okay.

J: --preseason matches and we did have 11 people on the pitch.

H: So you--you can--that's good to hear.  Yeah, that's good to hear.  I--yeah.  Is there something--did they do something wrong?

 (54:00) to (56:00)


Like, how--is there money left over to get more people?

J: Uh, it's not clear.  The--I mean, it's still, the trading/signing window is still open until the end of August.

H: Yeah.

J: So there's still time.

H: Okay.

J: I--it was always--it's always going to be hard.  The second season in a new league is traditionally harder than the first season and I think part of the problem is that it's impossible to tell players like Jake Reeves, Tom Eliot, like, you can't go play for a bigger club that has more money because like, of course you want those players to have those opportunities.

H: Yeah.  

J: And then they just become very hard to replace.  One last thing, Hank.  Nerdfighteria is sponsoring AFC Wimbledon's match against Blackpool this season, so I don't know if I'm going to be there for that game, but a bunch of Nerdfighters will, so put it on your calendars if you're in the neighborhood.  I'm definitely going to go to a few games this season, though, I'm excited.

H: Well, in the news from Mars, John, I know that you know that there's some weird things about Mars.  So, three weird things up with Mars: We've got a weird geology where one hemisphere of the planet has way more craters than the other.  It's really smooth in the North and cratered in the South.  We've also got a weird composition of the planet, so lots of metals in the crust.  Very different from Earth's composition, and then you've got these two weird lumpy moons, Phobos and Deimos and um, there are lots of guesses as to, like, how these three things happened and why, with like, different guesses for each one, but--and one of the big ones has always been that there was, like, at an early point in Mars' history, there was a, how they explain the fact that the Northern hemisphere is so smooth is that there was a very large impact, like the kind of impact that Earth experienced at that time that formed our Moon, but maybe not as big as that or maybe it just didn't do the same thing that ours did because Mars is smaller of the impact was larger or whatever, but a new paper came out a couple weeks ago while we were on our little hiatus, that sort of explains all three of those things at once, which is that this impact could have come from a certain type of body in the early solar system that was metal-rich and very large, like the size of Ceres, which is by far the largest object in the Asteroid belt, basically like a little planet, and that deposited a bunch of these iron-loving metals, like, heavy things like iridium and gold and iron into the crust and it also like, created this much smoother area of the planet and also shot off both Phobos and Deimos which became Mars' moons.  

 (56:00) to (58:00)


These moons would not have formed in--which might explain why they're small and why they're sort of like, lumpy potato-shaped rather than being spherical because they weren't big enough or warm enough to actually turn into spheres in space, so that new paper is out now.  It's called "Colossal impact enriched Mars' mantle with noble metals", published in June of 2017, and they're estimating that the time of the impact was about 4.4 billion years ago and the object was about 1200 kilometers in diameter, which is a biggie.  That's a biggie, John.  It's really nice that we live at a time when the solar system has fewer of those kinds of things floating around, those 1200 kilometer objects.  You don't really want one of those around.  

J: Hank, a couple questions.  First off, are you saying that there is gold on Mars and lots of it?

H: I a--that is the truth.  That is a thing.

 (58:00) to (1:00:00)


J: Okay.  Um.  I--

H: But, but, John, if we're gonna mine gold from someplace, it's--the first step is probably not gonna be at the bottom of the gravity well.   If--we'll probably pick it off of asteroids where there are several asteroids that have a very high composition of gold, just like the one that probably crashed into Mars.

J: And what is a gravity well?

H: A gravity well is a very large, very massive object, so--that you would have to then expend energy to get off of, so--

J: Ahhh.

H: Dragging the gold off the planet, so there's one thing getting the gold to fall back to Earth, which is actually gonna take a lot of energy, but getting it to up out of Mars and then to fall back to Earth, all that would be like, twice as much energy, so you just want to find something that's not at the bottom of a gravity well if you're gonna be lugging out heavy, heavy metals like gold and iridium.

J: Okay.  That's helpful.  That's very helpful.  Second question: If I'm on the surface of Mars, can I see two moons?  Like, do I see two moons--

H: Yeah.

J: --the way I, we see one moon.  

H: Yeah.  Yeah yeah.  Yeah.  

J: That is cool.  That is really cool.  That makes me kinda wanna go to Mars just so I could get that two moon vibe and then having, like, taken a couple pictures, get back on the spaceship.  

H: Well, also, John, I don't think you wanna be on a spaceship, just knowing you.  Like--

J: Well, I don't like confined spaces and I don't like social time with other people.  Is there a lot of private space on spaceships or not so much?

H: I mean, the question is what do you say to your spaceship crewmate when it's time for them to go home?  

J: Please get out of my spaceship.  What do you mean, there's only one spaceship and we share it?  One last follow up question: on these missions to Mars, will there be private bathrooms, because I feel very strongly about not sharing bathrooms.

 (1:00:00) to (1:02:00)


H: Oh man.  I don't know--I don't--actually, I don't know how, like, if the bathroom on the ISS is even a separate room.

J: Oh my God, so it's basically, it's basically just like being in prison, except you can float.  

H: I'm looking now.  I don't, I don't know if there's a door.  I assume there's a door or a curtain or something, right?

J: Oh. My. God.  That level--I'm looking right now and I am flipping out.  Like, that level--oh, God.  Oh my goodness gracious.  Oh, golly gee.

H: You don't like the looks of that toilet?

J: That is just not okay.  Oh, wow.

H: This one's got at least a little butt place for your butt to go.

J: Yikesity yikesers.  Well, I mean, I wanted to go to space and now, suddenly, I don't and I don't suspect the desire will ever come back to me.  Hank, we have to go, we have to go record This Week in Ryans, our other podcast.

H: Yeah, we do.  What did we learn today, John?  

J: Oh, uh, well, we learned that climate science is real and also cholera might become more of a problem in an age of climate change.

H: We also learned that Josh Billings is in the public domain so be on the lookout for Hank and John's collection of Josh Billings stuff.  We're going to print it out on my printer right here, staple it together and sell it for $14.99.  

J: But why spend $14.99 on that when you can spend probably less than $14.99 at probablysignedturtles.com to get a probably signed pre-order of my new book, Turtles All the Way Down, out on October 10th, website designed by SquareSpace, squarespace.com/dearjohn.  Whoa, that was hard to get into a single breath, and lastly, we learned that when it's time to say goodbye to your friends, you can let them know by just saying "Get out!"

H: Get out.  Thanks, John, for being with me here on this 100th episode of Dear Hank and John.  I know that when I started out by saying it was like, a spectacular and it was a fantastical that like, maybe you thought we were gonna have a bunch of special guests or something.

 (1:02:00) to (1:03:00)


J: Nope.

H: No, no, no, no, no, no.

J: All we had was a sponsor.  

H: Just the same except unlike all 99 previous episodes of Dear Hank and John, we now are brought to you by SquareSpace.  Hey, thanks, SquareSpace.  Squarespace.com/dearhank.  

J: dearjohn.  Uh, today's podcast was produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson.  Our editor is Nicholas Jenkins.  Victoria Bongiorno is our head of community and communications.  Our music is by the great Gunnarolla.  You can email us at hankandjohn@gmail.com or find us on Twitter where I'm @johngreen and Hank is @hankgreen.  Thanks again to everyone for listening and especially to those of you who have listened to all 100 episodes of this ridiculousness.  We really appreciate it and it's one of the great joys in our professional lives, so thank you and as we say in our hometown.

Both: Don't forget to be awesome.