HG: Okay, exciting thing: on December 9th and 10th in Seattle Washington, we're going to be holding the first PodCon, a convention and conference of podcasters and people who love podcasts. We're doing it in partnership with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor from Welcome to Night Vale and Alice Isn't Dead and the McElroy brothers of lots of different podcasts.
John and I will be there doing a bunch of stuff including a live Dear Hank and John. But, in order to know the full extent of what we can afford to do, we're launching it with and Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign. You can find that right now at podcon.com. There are several different ticket levels and also a bunch of perks for people who can't attend, including and audio collection of absolutely everything that happens at the event. PodCon: for people who love podcasts. Coming to Seattle in December. I hope we will hear you there and also see you there. And now, on with the pod.
[intro music]
HG: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.
JG: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.
HG: It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers give you advice that is dubious, answer your questions, and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.
I'm Hank. This is John. How are you John?
JG: I'm alright. Uh, you know, Hank, I have to tell you the honest truth which is that there is a little bit of me that wishes that in addition to having, like, opted out of Twitter, I could just not have my daily thoughts consumed so much by certain, uh, political leaders in the United States. But this is the reality that I'm living in right now and I'm just trying to make a go of it here at Grover Cleavland High School. Do you get that reference?
HG: I don't. I do not.
JG: Oh my God. It's to the best movie ever. I can't believe you've never seen Rushmore.
HG: [high pitch, questioning] I have seen it, I think?
JG: Oh my God. Even the idea that you don't know whether you've seen Rushmore is deeply upsetting to me. That's honestly worse that if you just hadn't seen it.
HG: I, I, I accept that that is the case. Do you want to know what's happening in my life, John?
JG: I do, very much.
HG: A young man who lives in my home, he is six months old, has learned how to grab my glasses and throw them across the room.
JG: Oh, yeah-
HG: So that's, uh, yeah- He'll put them anywhere: in his mouth, if there's poop nearby he'll try to get it in that. And, um, so I basically am getting ready for needing multiple pairs of glasses. This podcast is unfortunately not brought to you by Warby Parker but there may be some, uh, some dealings with them in the future and by dealings I mean I'm going to maybe buy some glasses from them.
JG: Uh, I don't know that having, like, 17 pairs of back up glasses is the best strategy. I think you've just got to keep you face out of your kid's maw.
HG: That's un-possible. He's too cute for that. He has- It's a, it's a maw that needs a face in it.
[JG laughter]
JG: Alright, I don't have any, uh, I don't have any short poems for today because I want to leave plenty of time at the end for the incredibly exciting news from AFC Wimbledon. So let's just jump right in to questions from our listeners, Hank.
HG: Alright, this one is from Amanda who asks:
[HG Reading] De-ah Hank and John
HG: it's DEAH so she wanted me to say it that way and I did. Um
[HG Reading] I'm currently a private tutor in elementary aged kids and some of my students don't even have grammar instruction but those who do tend to struggle with it. Many ask why they need to know it, I tell them that it is important to understand how English works as a language because it will make their reading and writing skills better but honestly I'm mostly just tryna get em focused on their work. Uh my question is this
HG: I'm skipping some stuff
[HG Reading] How does technology change what grammar and for that matter spelling and writing instruction look like in schools and how do I convince my students that its important?
Yours, Amanda
JG: I think grammar that is important because what we're trying to do when we communicate with each other is communicate clearly and technology can help with that...
...but it can't construct a sentence for you yet. Um, there's something about a really well constructed clear concise transparent sentence that is just absolutely magical
[Hank laughing]
and makes you want to do whatever the sentence tells you to do and that, to me, is the secret of language. If, in this world, if you can write a good email you can get a lot of things done.
HG: I definitely think that yes, I think that that is 100% and I think that when I'm looking to hire someone I'm looking at writing skills, even when the job is not uh, involve a lot of writing like, when I'm reading a cover letter like I'm looking at that and I know that, like, that is important. But, I don't know that its necessary for me to know how, like, to be able to diagram a sentence for me to be able to write a good one.
JG: I don't know that its necessary for you to be able to diagram a sentence but you do need to understand what different parts of sentences do and how they do it and...
HG: Yeah
JG: ...why they do it and until that stuff is just kind of like deeply ingrained and it is second nature, you do have to think about it. You know, like, I was talking with Henry yesterday about verbs and I was like "so what is a verb Henry?" and he said "a verb is something you can do". And I thought that was an interesting idea but then I was like "Alright, so whats the verb in the sentence 'Henry is awesome.'?" and he was like "well I don't know".
[HG laughter]
And understanding like, what is, what 'is' does as a verb and what it doesn't do, I think is actually kind of important.
HG: Yeah
JG: Uh, I agree that, look, when I was an elementary school student I thought that grammar was the stupidest thing in the world second only to algebra. Uh, but, I, I use it now and I think a lot about it now, and not only because I, I write books but also because I write emails and love letters and lots of other things.
HG: Yeah, and I, and you gotta know where that, that comma goes and if you understand where the clause is then that really helps with where that comma goes.
JG: Alright Hank, I can't believe you didn't ask the following question first because it is [Hank laughing] obviously the most critical question we received this week. Its from Alicia, or Alisha, or Aleesha, I don't know how to pronounce your name I apologise, I'm just gonna call you Ryan.
[JG Reading] Dear Green brothers, I was born on an airplane and before you ask, [Hank laughing] no not a commercial airplane [HG: Oh of course] but rather a small passenger plane, [disbelief noises from Hank] specifically a Piper Seneca III.
JG: I.. this is the only sentence in the email, Hank, that specifically uh seeks to explain the circumstances [HG laughter] in which this birth happened, which I find fascinating.
HG: Uh, I'm looking at pictures of Piper Seneca IIIs John and I gotta tell ya there's not a lot of room to have a baby on there.
JG: OK, the other thing about Piper Seneca III, Hank, that really struck me, uh [HG: Yeah] is that it doesn't have that big of a range. Like, its not like you can get in a Piper Seneca III and fly around for five hours [Hank laughing] so like.. when, when the person who birthed you got on that plane, were they already in labour?
HG: [Laughter] Was that the goal? Uhh
JG: Was it an incre-, or was it an incredibly short labour, or alternately like, were they already in labour and they were trying to like, get somewhere? Like, maybe, for instance, a hospital where, uh, you could have had a safer delivery but in the end it all went down in the Piper Seneca III. Like, the Piper Seneca III, it just, it, its a very, very small plane.
HG: Yeah, so I've looked up the performance specs for the Piper Seneca III, uh, [JG: yep] it has a, a range of about 1000 miles and a cruise speed of about 216 miles per hour. So we're talking about, tops, you could be in that plane for 5 hours before it had to land. So you're n-, and if you're coming, so you're never gonna be more than two and a half hours from an airport...
so if you, if you, your, your mother [JG: right] went into labour right in the worst possible time,
JG: Right
HG: You would have had, like, you turn around and you could go back, or you could go all the way to the final destination.. It happened fast. This was a fast, and it happens sometimes, sometimes you're like "oh my water broke" and then you're like "ah there's a baby head coming out of me". Like, its unusual, and its a good thing usually when it happens, uh, but usually you're not on an airplane at the time. So we, I think we've gotten, for the most part, to the bottom of it, it was a quick labour.
JG: It was a quick labour but I do have a follow up question, which is that this plane only seats five passengers, um, if you..
HG: [Laughter] And, but it landed with six
JG: I was gonna say like, I'm such a, I, I, I feel very strongly about plane safety, as you know Hank, and I feel very strongly that you should follow the rules of plane safety, even if those rules don't necessarily make sense, and I would be freaking out if we started with five passengers and for the last hour we had six because I would be like "That is, the Piper Seneca III is not, it is not designed for the sixth, this new creature! [Hank laughing] I did not sign on for a flight with this thing" [HG: yeah]. Alright, anyway:
[JG Reading] For a few years now I've been trying to find the plane that I was born on, as it is one of my life goals, I haven't come very close until about two months ago when I received more information about it. The info I got was the plane's tag number, which you can search up online and you can find out where it is now. Here's my problem - the tag number I got says the plane crashed a year before I was born.
HG: Woooaaahh.. creepy
JG: Which, which she then dismisses immediately by saying "Obviously that's not possible seeing as I was born on it" but wait
HG: Or wait..
JG: I mean, or is it?
HG: Unless
JG: Unless, its totally possible and you're living in an alternate timeline and things just got really weird
HG: Or or or, sometimes planes crash and then they fix them. Sometimes its not like, its like a, like, its like a car crash, sometimes you can, sometimes it can be ok.
JG: Yeah, uh, one of my other rules, uh, when it comes to plane safety is that I do not get on previously crashed planes.
HG: So John let me tell you a quick story, I know that we're still in the middle of this question, but when I was in Haiti I got on an airplane, it was about the size of a Piper Seneca VI or III, it might even have been one, and um, but, I think smaller even, and I got in the plane and I was like "Hey, whats up pilot man" and I was like sitting in the passenger seat because like, that's how small this thing was.
[JG: mhmm].
HG: Um, so just doing my best to not touch anything because like, I had a steering wheel in front of me, terrifying
JG: Yeah
HG: And I was like, bantering with the pilot and I was like "So how long you been doing this?" and he was like y'know decades and I was like, "and obviously like, never crashed so I shouldn't worry about anything" and he was like "actually" and I was like "no don't say actually, don't do that", and he had, his plane had crashed like two weeks ago. And he had knocked out..
JG: That thing??!
HG: Not that plane, but the plane that he was flying, and like, he like, showed me the missing teeth in his mouth that had been knocked out
JG: Oh my god
HG: in the plane crash that he had recently been in. [JG: Oh god]. And I was like "well, was it a stormy day? Tell me all the reasons why that day is different from this one."
[JG laughter]
HG: Like, all of them, and ugh, it was a fine, it turned out to be a very beautiful and comfortable flight that I did not puke on at all. Anyway...
JG: I'm looking at the interior of a Piper Seneca III, and Hank, let me tell you, I would not want to give birth inside of this aircraft
HG: [Laughter] Oh man we're gonna have to put up a bunch of pictures on the patreon aren't we.
JG: On the other hand, uh, it is, its a nice plane. Now I personally do not believe in flying uh, twin, uh, planes with two propellers, its just its not in my, uh, its not one of my...
there's just not, I don't, I actually I don't even wanna talk about this anymore lets move on. Ok
[JG reading] Upon more searching I may have possibly found my plane, but it is now owned by an elderly man and I found him not via the airplane tag number search but through creepy googling.
[Hank laughter]
[JG reading] Should I contact this man and ask him about the plane and explain how I got his phone number, or is that too weird?
Just trying to find my plane, Alicia
JG: First off, Alicia, as far as I can tell, the one thing that we know for sure in this story is that this is not your plane.
HG: [Laughter] Well that's definitely the case, it is an old man's plane. Uh,
JG: Its either an old man's plane or it is a plane that's in like, lost in the mountains of Alaska that you were born on six months after it was lost. I suspect that it is the old man's plane and I am not an old man myself- he said hopefully, I don't know how old this elderly man is, [Hank laughing] you didn't explain, its possible that you're 16 and you think 39 is elderly. But if I were the owner of a Piper Seneca III, which is one of the things I hope most in life never to become, uh I would be absolutely delighted if a child who was born on my uh aircraft wanted to come and see the plane on which she was born.
HG: But if you do that, I have one piece of advice, which is to bring a portable handheld blacklight so you can maybe find some amniotic fluid and see exactly the spot where you came out.
JG: [Long sigh]
HG: [Laughing] I think that'd be fun! I think it'd be really interesting.
JG: No, it is I mean, life is a miracle
HG: Maybe don't show the elderly man what you find
JG: Here's, I, I don't think, I think the elderly man is gonna be psyched about this ninety nine times out of a hundred, and then like, the one percent of the time, its just a crotchety old person who was gonna miserable about whatever you mentioned to them.
JG: I wouldn’t necessarily Bring up the creepy googling part I would just be like, “Eyy (?~
13:59) fellas I notice you have my plane.” And if they ask you can just be like “oh, I was just searching on the internet,” old people don’t really know what the internet is, so you don’t have to worry about that.
HG: Totally. They’re not gonna know how creepy it was, just be like “Ah it was the internet. I just looked you up on um...” and then make up the name of a website uhh like um “Cobular”
JG: [Laughing] that’s a pretty good name for a website is copular.com taken? It’s not-
HG: [Laughing]
JG: It could be home for our new google- our new search business Cobular.com is available Hank, c-o-b-u-l-a-r.com, cobular.com. The hot new website from the Green brothers.
HG: It’s where you can find all your lost planes
JG: Cobular.com is a great idea for… that sounds like a proper made up company.
HG: What does cobular mean in Spanish? It must be nothing or else it would be taken. Well I have a guess what copular means in Spanish.
JG: I’m gonna look it up
HG: It’s copulate. It’s to copulate
JG: [Laughs] Okay, well we’re not doing- this is co
bular which is a completely different company and is a made up word. Like you know, uber
HG: [Wheeze, laughing]
JG: Or lyft with a y, it’s just a made up company named cobular, it’s our exciting new um e-commerce project that we can’t tell you about. Just kidding, it redirects to dftba.com. Boom.
[HG: Reading] This question comes from Drew who asks dear Hank and John, this June I am marrying the love of my life, however we’re having difficulties finding great items for our register industry, what are some amazing items you wish you had on your registry when you got married? Also why does dftba not have a registry option?
HG: Thanks for bringing up our e-commerce systems and by dftba I’m sure you mean cobular.com, (?~14
:55) Drew. [Breath]
JG: Hank
HG: What do you like-
JG: Of the things you got for your wedding, are there any of them that when you look at them, you think about the person who got you that fondly. Cause that’s what you really want. Like you want something that, it’s not something that’s useful- it also connects you to somebody you love.
HG: [deep breath] John, you’re reaching… terrifying close to a thing about me that I’m not super proud of, which is that I don’t really think about things enough after you know, 10 years of marriage to have any connection to any of the items that I was given for my registry, including the ones that you purchased for me.
JG: I have no idea what I got you, don’t feel weird about that. But do you remember like, are there things that you got for your wedding that have proven useful to you or do you not even know what you got at your wedding versus like what you got at target 6 months later?
HG: I know that I got my silverware and my plates from my wedding and we do use those all the time. I don’t know who bought them but I am glad to have them and they’ve lasted us a long time.
JG: Yeah
HG: Things have broken but not so much that we can’t like that we don’t have like a good and full set and they were purchased at Macy’s and we had our registry at Macy’s and I believe that’s where our knives came from as well. I will say a very good knife is something that I didn’t get for a long time including from my registry and I wish that I’d gotten at my registry
JG: Yup
HG: My most used appliance in the house is my Soda Stream which turn regular water into carbonated water so that I don’t have to buy carbonated water and I would-
JG: Don’t tell that to our future sponsor’s LaCroix
HG: Uh yes, well you get the excellent pamplemousse flavoring uh, you can’t get that without Lacroix.
JG: Ok
HG: And… that’s their new tagline, [marketing voice] “If you have a Soda Stream, you’re never gonna pamplemousse without Lacroix!” and brought to you by Lacroix everyone.
JG: It’s surprising to me that you don’t work in advertising but uh okay so-
HG: But I do! I do work in advertising…
HG: I just do it badly. [Laugh]
JG: [Laughs] Hank, I agree that, not your silver silverware, if you’re a fancy person with actual silver, like that in my experience you never end up using but your everyday cutlery, your everyday plates if you don’t own that stuff already, you can register for that stuff and people will be happy to get it for you and if you probably- hopefully but if you do own that stuff, then you might be in a situation where you don’t actually need to register for that much stuff in which case maybe you could just raise money for your honeymoon, if you wanna go on a nice honeymoon
HG: Yep
JG: Or raise money for a charity that you care a lot about and have people donate. You know, farm animals through (?) International or something like that, I’ve know a lot of people who do that and I think it’s very cool.
The gift that I received Hank, that meant the most to me through the years,
HG: mhm
JG: So Sarah’s gotten an uncle, uncle Baxter and Baxter’s an amazing guy and we received these- we didn’t register for them, we just received them one day- these monogrammed highball glasses that you know, you drink these mixed drinks out of-
HG: ooo
JG: That you know, you drink these mixed drinks out of and I was never a person who like- I-I-I never even knew what a highball glass was, you know like when I wanted to make a mixed drink, I drank it out of my Alvin and the Chipmunks glass
HG: [Laughs]
JG: From 1986 just like a regular American, you know. But when I got these monogrammed highball glasses that have our shared initials S and JG on them- by the way, I should add that Uncle Bax did not get us like 4 monogrammed highball glasses or 8, he got us like 40 and I’m not exaggerating. In fact I’ve broken
HG: [Laughs]
JG: A lot of them over the years and the great thing is that there’s this like box that essentially has an infinite supply- [Both laughing]
JG: in our basement. There is a box of infinite supply of monogrammed highball glasses and every time I drink a glass of scotch or something I’m like, “Man, Uncle Bax, he knew the person I was gonna become before I did”-
HG: [Laughing]
HG: I like the idea of infinite supple of something. Like something that might now- just like look, you never have to worry about this again. You- like you can break one of these every day like (?) your drink every time, like I’ll have ANOTHA!
JG: Well you don’t wanna (?) your drink every time. I mean we would run out of them if we did that. But yes, I understand that- you’re correct in theory
HG: You know what occurred to me is w-what if I just registered for stuff on amazon pantry, like paper towels and baked beans
JG: [Chuckle]
HG: Like things that I really need.
JG: No, but like the whole idea of the wedding registry is that it’s stuff that lasts. Like stuff that you buy once in your life, anyway- that’s my understanding of it.
HG: Like I get that, I guess
JG: [overlapping] I really like that
HG: You know-
JG: I gotta say, we just got rid of our plates we had after 10 years because I had to photograph my food every day for 100 days and by like day 98 Sarah was like “we’re getting new plates.”
HG: [Laughing]
JG: And I was like why? And she was like our plates are horrible.
HG: Wow-
JG: And- and they were kinda horrible so we’ve got all new plates.
Hank, I’ve got a new question for you:
HG: Okay
JG: It comes from Sam. [Reading] He writes: ‘Dear John and Hank, what are your thoughts on the word “content” in reference to internet video. I’ve heard a lot of people dislike it but I’m not totally sure why. Is it because it commercializes art? Are art and content different? JENGA!’
[Normal voice] Sam, what a great sign-off.
HG: [Laughing] Is “jenga” something you say while playing Jenga? Like every time you put the thing on the top, you’re like ‘JENGA!’ Like Uno or something or is that just…
JG: I’m not totally sure, it’s been a while- I gotta confess Hank, it’s been some time since I’ve played Jenga and it’s been even longer since I’ve played Jenga by the official Jenga rules.
HG: Jenga is a really great made up word like cobular
JG: It’s-it’s not as good as cobular. Maybe cobular would be our version of Jenga!
HG: [Laughing] But it’s made out of corn
JG: Oh that’s pretty good- it’s not great but it’s headed…
J: In the right direction. Maybe cobular would just be a place where we sell high quality sweet corn all year round.
H: Yeah! It's like corn of the month club, Cobular!
J: The corn of the month club at cobular.com!
H: Oh, you're gonna get corn from every country in the world. You're gonna get artisanal heirloom corns.
J: And I mean it's going to be so sustainable, it's gonna be so sustainably farmed and then the part of it that isn't sustainable is the part where we put it on a plane...
H: Air freight it to you.
J: And ship it to you overnight in totally unsustainable packaging.But the farming part will be completely organic.
H: In Kazakhistan it was sustainably farmed, in Kazakhistan and then we put it on a plane and flew it to America.
J: And we put it on another plane and flew it to your house. Oh my god, cobular.com, home of your corn of the month. Hank finally we have a business that's going to not lose money. Sorry, what was the question?
H: I don't remember. Oh, content.
J: Yeah.
H: I don't know, like, so I just think it's a commodification which, people don't like to have their work commoditized which is something we are finding out more and more.
J: I think it's commodified.
H: Yeah, sure, I believe you. When you take something and you're like "this was once something you worked really hard on and now it's in a box with a thousand other that look exactly the same", you're like "oh, I guess I'm not that important, like, I'm just a cog in this machine", and that is kind of what content sounds like. And you hear about content farms where people just sort of churn out words that can be advertised against for the lowest price possible so that we can try to keep this economy going on the Internet. Which is a hard place to make an economy work. Uh, but it is content, I just think that it has come to mean a slightly different thing, and that can give people a bad feeling.
H: - that can give people a bad feeling... I don't mind it though.
J: Yeah, my feeling is that....well I always think about....whenever I think about the word "content," I try to hear it for the first time, and if I were hearing it for the first time i would be like "Ohigod, barf." [H laughs]
Because I remember when I first started dating Sarah, I knew nothing about contemporary art I-, you know, like, read a couple of books to try to look like a wasn't an idiot when I was hanging out with Sarah, because she worked in an art gallery, and all of her friends-, a lot of her friends were art people, and I knew nothing of that world, it was totally foreign to me.
And when I would hear them talk I noticed that when they were talking about, like, an individual work of art, they would always say, "this piece." And I would just be, like, "Well, that's dumb. Why don't you just say "this artwork" or "this thing" or "this work of art" - why is it always "this piece?"
And then when they were talking about, like, an art-, like a group of pieces they would say, "This artist's work?" And I would just be, like, "Ugh, c'mon. The distinction between 'art' and 'piece' is so annoying and weird and gross and particular and sort of exists to create a group of people who are 'inside' and a group of people who are 'outside" and-."
Yeah, I totally get it, because when I hear the word "content" for the first time of if I can put myself in the mindset of hearing it for the first time, I would be like, "Ew." But now, I'm so used to saying it, you know, that we make content online -
Hank, what do you - what is that noise in the background?
H: I don't know; I think it's just on the phone, I don't think it's on the recording, don't worry.
J: It sounds like you're shuffling cards in my ear.
H: Yeah, I hear it, too. I don't know what it is.
J: Okay. Are you shuffling cards?
H: Nope, I'm just sitting here.
J: Because I'm trying to-, I'm wondering-, are you playing with me right now, are you playing a game with me?
H: [laughing] You think I'm just f-[beep]-ing with you?
J: I think you might be just f-[beep]-ing with me. Is this, like, the thing where to f[beep] with (?~25:57) Alecia parents, made up a tag number of a crashed plane -
J: - tag number of a crashed plane and said that's where she was born?
H: I don't think so, John
J: [laughs]
H: I hear it, too! I don't know what it's -
J: You gotta keep that, Nick. You're gonna have to do some bleeping.
Nick: 'Kay.
H: I don't know what it is.
J: You know what, I'm gonna try not to call what I make "content" anymore. I'm just gonna call it -
H: Well, like, of the things-, of the lingo of the industry, that is not the one that bothers me so much. Like, I hate "influencer" SO much more -
J: Yeah.
H: And -
J: I hate "industry," actually. I really hate "my industry" [H laughs]. You just mean the little pond in which you think you are a big fish, because the pond is so incredibly little.
H: [laughing] Eat it, boy! I also, like, there was a while when people were using the phrase "weblebrity," and I was just like, "Okay, I'm going to leave [J laughs] and never come back if that's all right with you."
J: I don't like "weblebrity," but I love "cewebrity."
H: [laugh] I mean, "I. am. an. internet sensation, so - 'cewebrity.'"
J: I mean, just the idea of-, "So, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I'm a cewebrity." [H laughs] "I'm sorry, -"
H: Yes!
J: "- did you say that you're a celebrity? No, unfortunately. I would like to be a celebrity when I grow up, but right now, I'm just a cewebrity." [they laugh]
H: I'm dead, you killed me.
J: Today's podcast is brought to you by cewebrities. Cewebrities! Just, just trying to harvest some content in this sweet, sweet industry.
H: [wheezes] This podcast is also brought to you by the Piper Seneca III! [J laughing] With a range of 1000 miles and a cruising speed of 216 miles per hour, it IS possible to go into labor and also have a baby before you land.
J: And today's podcast is also brought to you by "cobular.com" - "cobular.com," your number-one source [H chuckles] for the corn-of-the-month club.
H: And finally, this podcast is brought to you by an infinite supply of highball glasses. An infinite supply of highball glasses supplied by Uncle Bax.
J: Oh man. You've met my Uncle Bax, haven't you?
H: I think it's possible.
J: [laughing] He's great. All right. Hank, let's get to a couple more questions - geeze-louise - you really got me going there.
H: See, I'll never get-, I'll never get off of "cewebrity." [J laughs] I feel like we've hit on something very special.
J: By the way, I have to - just really quickly - I have to say I did not coin the word "cewebrity."
H: Oh, dang it!
J: I don't want to be credited with that.
H: Aw, shoot!
J: I wish that I were that genius, but I don't know where it came from, I don't know how it came to me, but I know for a fact that I did not think of it. I am not nearly... ah... clever enough to think of "cewebrities." So, just to be clear about that. All right. Hank!
H: Yes.
J: I want to move on to an extremely serious question.
H: Okay.
J: Because we've had enough jokey-jokey questions.
H: Uh oh, okay.
J: Okay, ready?
H: Yes.
J: All right, Hank, this question comes from Maggie, who writes, "Dear John & Hank, I'm 25 and I need dating advice, and who else do I turn to bu two married men in their late-thirties."
H: [wheeze] LATE thirties! I'm thirty-seven - oh, gosh.
J: Yeah, you're in your late-thirties, buddy. [H laughs] I mean, the issue-, actually, the surprise to me in that question is not that I'm in my late-thirties, but that I have a younger brother in HIS late thirties. [laughs] I feel no alarm whatsoever being in my own late-thirties, but the thought that YOU'RE in your late-thirties is upsetting to me.
"I've gone on a few dates with this guy I've met online," I guess that's how people meet now, "And I've had a lot of fun, and I like him, and I think he likes me. But he's super fit -"
H: Oh?
J: "- and I'm not."
H: Oo!
J: "Like, he has a six-pack-," Who even has a six-pack; that's not even real!
H: Right??
J: I agree. It's [H laughs] - take it from a guy who exercised 100 days in a row -
J: - 100 days in a row - it is not even real. "He has a six-pack and I eat tacos, like, all the time." [H laughing] I mean, Maggie -
H: I hope that those things aren't exclusive! [they laugh]
J: I know! Also, I hope that she's exaggerating slightly. I mean, if she's eating tacos "like, all the time," that is something-, a bit of a concern.
H: That's a lot of tacos.
J: Well, you want to make sure you get a balanced diet, like, sometimes you gotta have a burrito. "I generally feel good about myself and my body, but this has caused me to develop a complex of sorts. Do you have any advice to help me get over myself and just have fun dating? Hopefully Not Forever Alone, [H chuckle] Maggie." Maggie, judging from your email, I think the reason that you're getting along well with this dude is that you're incredibly charming and funny.
H: Yeah!
J: And you should own that, and that's awesome. I have very rarely been more impressed by an email.
H: [laughing] And we get a lot of them, too. I, yeah! It's interesting to think that being fit might be a detriment to some relationships. Like, if you're too hot, people are gonna be like, [affected voice] "This isn't gonna work out. I'm sorry. There's clearly something-, there's a difference here and I'm - I'm out. I'm a taco fan, so I'm just gonna go."
J: Also, Hank - I mean, I'm totally coming at the question from the perspective of a GUY, and also and old guy who's been married for a long time, -
H: Yeah.
J: - but the question presupposes that there's only one kind of "hot?"
H: Yeeah.
J: That there's only one sort of attractive, and that's just not true!
H: Yeah.
H: Like, there's all kinds of different "attractives," and for different people, -
H: Yeah.
J: - and so, I think you kinda, like, gotta let go of it. I understand-, I think probably the-, if you're having-, I think it comes from the outside social order, right? The social order is so specific about what constitutes "hot," and "omigod, six-packs, they're so rare and hot,
J: - six-packs, they're so rare and hot, and wow, a six-pack." But like, not everybody likes six-packs... Hopefully.
H: [laughing] Not everyone REQUIRES six-packs at least. [J laughs] That's definitely clear and true and for-sure.
J: Yeah, we can say with [they laugh], we can say with certainty that not everybody sees a six-pack as a prerequisite.
H: Yeah. [laughs] Well, yeah. I think that I-, I think that is an interesting question, and I"m glad that we've answered, and I feel like - Maggie, don't let it get in the way. Don't let that wall of abs interfere with this productive relationship that you're having with a nice young man.
This question comes from Doug, who asks, "Dear Hank & John, my six year-old told me he wants to have a 'dudes-day,' and I'm excited that he wants to have a father-son day, but the problem is that we seem to have different ideas about what exactly we should do on a 'dudes-day.' My idea is to spend the afternoon teaching him how to change the oil on my Jeep: we can bond while I teach him an important skill that my father taught me!" Like, when you were six?? Doug??
J: Yeah, not when you were six, man.
H: "His idea is to spend a day playing games and eating pizza in the company of a giant rodent. What should we do?" C'mon, man! Doug?? C'mon!
J: Yeah, Doug. I mean, yeah, the answer - of course - is ya gotta change that oil. [H chuckles] I mean, that's a no-brainer.
H: Yeah.
J: Chuck E. Cheese is a... it is a contaminant nightmare. I mean [H chuckles] it is... You wanna talk about places that I don't want to see a black-light applied to... [H laughing] You turn the black-light on at a Chuck E. Cheeze, and you're at a rave.
H: Yeah, patient-zero for every plague is Chuck E. Cheese, like, that animal.
J: Yeah, I mean-, so, Doug, I get it, man.
J: - so, Doug, so I get it, man. I have to take my kids to Chuck E. Cheese a lot, and the people who work at Chuck E. Cheese are really nice, and I think they have a hard job, and so I don't want to say anything bad about Chuck E. Cheese, but it's-, I mean.
The number of stimulants, the number of just THINGS that're happening at Chuck E. Cheese per minute - I was actually just recently at Chuck E. Cheese, Hank, and you know what I was thinking? I was thinking, "There is absolutely no analog for this in the natural world. [H laughs] Like, before -
H: Yeah.
J: - like, seventy or eighty years ago, no human being had ever experienced what I am experiencing right now." It's kinda like a casino, because there's a lot of noises happening, the carpet is dirty and very colorful, and then there's a lot of, like, blank-faced people staring into games, hitting buttons over and over again, except instead of it being gamblers, it's children. [H laughs] And they're just trying to win enough tickets to get some Sweet Tarts.
And I-, I was trying to think, like maybe, "Did a human being ever before, like about 1910, ever experience anything like being inside of a Chuck E. Cheese? Ever?" And maybe once somebody was swimming and a huge number of swordfish swam around them [H laughs] and sort of, like, attacked them all at the same time and then disappeared? And maybe that was like a brief moment of Chuck E. Cheese-ness?
But there is no analog for it in the actual, lived world pre-1920, and I think that says a lot about how stressful it is for a lot of people. Especially, like - definitely stressful for me. So, I get it. So, what you have to do, you're gonna pretend-, your kid is going to pretend to be interested in changing the oil for an hour,
J: - for an hour, you're going to try to teach them, they're not going to learn anything, and then, the whole time they're going to be like, "Is it time yet? [x3]" And you'll be like, "No, we gotta finish this." And then, when you finish it, then you have to take them to Chuck E. Cheese, it's a both-and situation, not an either-or situation.
H: I mean, it definitely-, the idea that you would do either of these things without pizza is just ludicrous.
J: Actually, the pizza at Chuck E. Cheeze is pretty good.
H: Yeah. So, like, even if you're changing the oil, you should do that while eating pizza in the company of a giant rodent. I don't know where you're going to get the giant rodent, but obviously, that's an important part of the childhood experience, so get one.
J: That's terrible advice from somebody who has a six month-old.
H: Ah, yeah! I mean, he's basically kinda like a giant rodent now!
J: Your kid?
H: Yeah, he's a very big... Nah, he's not as, like, actually, you know, SKILLED as a rodent.
J: No. I would argue though that he's also much larger than any living rodent.
H: Well, that is demonstratively untrue, John.
J: Really??
H: There are many, many large rodents.
J: Please, don't. I don't-, actually, you know what? I have no. desire. whatsoever to learn about rodents that weigh more than ten pounds. Ever. Period. [H laughing] End-of-story, let's move on to the next question.
This next question comes from Alyssa who asks, "Dear John & Hank, this is more of a question for Hank, but if there is an earthquake on Mars, would it still be considered an "earthquake?"
H: Oo! That comes from the question of whether we're calling the ground of Mars "earth" in the way that we call the ground of Earth "earth."
J: Yeah, which we've already discussed on a previous episode of the podcast.
H: We have discussed this!
J: We've made too many of these things. [H laughs]
H: I know for a fact that there are earthquakes on the moon, and we call them "moonquakes," so I imagine that earthquakes that take place on Mars are called "marsquakes." Boom, done, it's over!
J: All right! Man, we're going to get through all the questions.
H: It seems unlikely. Okay, John! Final question before we move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon,
H: - this question is from Ryan - an actual Ryan - who asks, "Dear Hank & John, my name is Ryan. I have enrolled and will attend my state university in the fall, and a few of my friends from high school are also going. I plan to be roommates with my best friend, Ryan. [they laugh]
J: Ohmigod, that's amazing!
H: I don't know if I believe it. "My question is, 'Do you think that I should try to maintain my circle of friends or start over and try to meet new people in college?' Don't Forget to Be Ryan, Ryan."
J: Ah, it's such a Ryan-way to write an email, too. He put five "Ryans" in a three-sentence email.
H: That's very "Ryan-y."
J: Yeah, I mean, obviously, if your best friend is named "Ryan" and you're going to be roommates, you're doing a pretty good job at figuring out who your friends should be.
H: Yeah.
J: You're crushing it on the "Ryan"-front, and I would say that you just want to keep going, try to meet as many Ryans as you can [H laughs], and make it into a thing. Like, maybe you guys could form some kind of fraternity or social organization -
H: Mm-hmm, like little (?~38:59) Graysons.
J: - that's Ryan-specific.
H: Ryans, yup. There's a lot of you guys. I will say, like, it can be easy to get sucked into and stick with the same comfortable social group, even if you are aware that you aren't seeing the full possibility or having the full range of human connection that you might be having at a college. And that it is good to try to connect to people who are in the same program as you or in the same classes as you or into the same things as you.
But managing that is hard: managing multiple friend-groups, having an established one, and then, sort of like, "How much time do I spend with my old friends versus my new friends?" And that's a legit thing that you will struggle with, and I just say know that it's a struggle, but it's worthwhile to do.
J: Yeah, I didn't know anybody. There was one guy from my high school that went to my college, and we stayed friends, but it was only one guy,
J: - but it was only one guy, so it wasn't -
H: It wasn't your best friend, Ryan?
J: It was not. No, it was not a Ryan. Hank, before we get to news about Mars and AFC Wimbledon, very quickly, I just want to read this amazing email from Jennifer, who writes, "Dear John & Hank, after hearing the story of 'Emmma and Her Dilemma,'" [H laughing] - that was a woman whose name is "Emma" but with three Ms because of a typographical error made by a careless county-clerk somewhere - "I needed to share:
My brother is named 'Benjamine,' not 'Benjamin' - 'BenjaMINE.' As his big sister, I've often been asked why this is. Our mother had the flu when she gave birth and our father was at work, so an ill mother gave my brother his name, and he has never changed it." [chuckles]
H: BenjaMINE!
J: "Benjamine" is actually a pretty cool name; it's much-, I have to say, "Benjamine" is much better... That seems like particular and specific in a way that "Emmma" just seems like a mistake.
H: [laugh] I don't know, man, I don't know. I remain on the side of keeping that third M, because what else do you have?
J: [chuckling] You have, presumably, the rest of your life!
H: [laughs] Oh, okay.
J: Okay, Hank - first, let's get to the news from AFC Wimbledon, because it's extremely important. AFC Wimbledon, Hank, you will remember the last time that we recorded a podcast together, AFC Wimbledon had not scored a goal in the month of April? They had one game remaining against Oldham.
H: Yeah.??J: It didn't matter from the perspective of staying up, because they had secured enough points to stay up. But they did want to score a goal in April, because otherwise, it would've been impossible to have a "Best Goal of April" celebration on account that there were no goals in April, despite play 1-2-3-4-5-6 games in April. [H laughs] But what happened instead of scoring a goal is a nil-nil draw. [laughs]
H: [laughs] Oh, god!
J: AFC Wimbledon -
H: That's super exciting, John. You really worked it up.
J: - complete the month of April, goalless
J: - complete the month of April, goalless - a heroic and extremely rare feat for a football club to play six games with no goals. That means for the last, I believe, 540 minutes of AFC Wimbledon season, no goals.
But it doesn't matter. AFC Wimbledon, staying up in league one, it's an incredible accomplishment; they finish the season 15th in league one, just below middle-of-the-table, a really extraordinary accomplishment for a team with one of the smallest budgets in the league and the smallest stadium in the league. So, I am happy and excited and excited to move forward into the off-season. We all this the "silly season," Hank, because it's when all the trade-rumors start happening, and it's very, VERY exciting.
H: Well, I - yeah. I don't know if you listened to last week's podcast, but (?~42:46)Myam had a bunch of information on some players that you were definitely LOSING -
J: Yeah.
H: - which hopefully will free up some capital for the acquisition of new folk.
J: Yeah, yeah, no, I think the big one is the goal-keeper, James Shea, yeah. But it's -
H: What was that about? Why are you getting rid of James Shea?
J: Money? I think it's about -
H: Was it too expensive, or?
J: Well, I don't know. Listen, I really don't know, and they didn't say. But from everything that I've heard, he is a consummate professional and really well liked, and a really great guy and hopefully will land on his feet somewhere. It's like the nature of football though, man, it is really hard to stay on a team for a long time these days. What's the news from Mars?
H: So you know how on the surface of Mars there's a lot of radiation because it doesn't have a magnetic field to protect the surface from the sun's harmful rays?
J: Oh yeah.
H: Well, there are some places here on the surface of Earth that also have a lot of radiation, and we are looking at those places to see how things manage to live there despite the tremendous... not just despite, but also have evolved to live in places where -
H: - in places where it would be very difficult to live if you didn't have any protection from radiation - those places, being former nuclear reactors that went "critical." So, Chernobyl and the one in... and Fukushima.
J: Right.
H: Which I almost forgot the name of.
J: It's okay.
H: So, Chernobyl and Fukushima are two places where you're like, "Life should stay away from that!" But there are some species that have evolved to be able to live there and seem to have evolved some traits that have them resistant to radiation, particularly a fungus.
So this is true of complex organisms like mice, too, but this fungus, it seems to even prefer to be around radiation. And we don't know if it prefers it or if it's just that the niche is open and so it moves on in, because it's capable of dealing with it. But there was just a year-long experiment on the ISS looking at this mold and some other fungi [clears throat] - sorry, I have a cold, I HAD a cold, I'm getting over it.
So there just an experiment on the International Space Station looking at a bunch of different molds that have evolved to do well in the presence of a lot of radiation: one, to see how they might function on the surface of Mars; two, to see what kind of adaptations life on other planets that don't have a strong magnetic field might need to have; and three, to maybe help get the powers of those molds either INTO people or HELPING people, and that might be in the form of - like, a long time from now - genetic modification, or in creating some kind of fungi-based sunblock -
J: Oh, wow!
H: - to protect humans from the harmful effects of long-term exposure to radiation, which they would undergo both on the surface of Mars and on the way there and back.
J: So, you would slather yourself
J: So, you would slather yourself in fungus to get ready for your big Mars trip.
H: Yeah, and the fungus would be like, "Awesome! Hit me with that radiation, man!"
J: Wow! I mean, that makes me want to go to Mars.
H: So, one of the things they're thinking about doing is, "Radiation-resist genes," this is what the scientist said, "Can be incorporated into yeast cells that produce beer so that humans are willing to go to space; they will have better beer to drink that might even protect you from radiation."
J: Well, actually, cancel, I'm back in. [H laughs] Well, Hank, we have to go record our bonus podcast, "This Week In Ryans," but -
H: What have we learned today?
J: Before we get to that, I just want to say that if you want to subscribe to "This Week In Ryans," you can do so by supporting this podcast $5 a month; help us stay real-sponsor free-, just kidding - we're desperately waiting for those real sponsors to come on board. [H chuckles]
But we're on Patreon.com/dearhankandjohn, and every week we talk about a "Ryan." Hank, who's our "Ryan" this week?
H: Are we ruining it, are we ruining the surprise?
J: No, it's not a ruin of the surprise, because the listeners to "This Week In Ryans" actually get it slight BEFORE they get "Dear Hank & John."
H: Oh! [laughs] Okay, this week's "Ryan" I think, John, is gonna be "Ry-anna".
J: It's brilliant, Hank. [H laughs] I mean, it's your greatest work. It's your magnum opus. It's your "cobular.com," I mean, of "This Week In Ryans." All right, what did we learn today? Well, of course, we learned that "cobular.com" is totally a thing that you can go to right now and totally buy stuff on.
H: We learned that you can eat a LOT of tacos and still have a boyfriend with a six-pack.
J: And, of course - with who are into that - you, too, when you grow up, [outro music fades in] if you work hard and play your cards right and get a little lucky, might end up a "cewebrity."
H: And finally, we learned that John really does not want to know
H: And finally, we learned that John really does not want to know about the existence of 200-pound rodents that live in South America - they're capybara, John, they're super cute, you should go check them out.
J: There is not a 200-pound rodent on this Earth, is there really?
H: There's a bunch of 'em!
J: Oh, goodlord, save me. Thanks for podding with me, Hank, and also for doing that thing that I specifically asked you not to do.
H: [laughs] Yeah, my bad. This podcast is edited by Nicolas Jenkins, it's produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and (?~48:30) Sheridan Gibson, our social media manager is Victoria Bongiorno, music is from the great Gunnarolla, you can email us at hankandjohn@gmail.com where we will answer your questions. John and I are also on twitter @hankgreen and @johngreen and other places on the internet.
We are always excited to see you. If you would like to support the podcast and also get "This Week In Ryans," which is our short Ryan-based podcast, you can do that patreon.com/dearhankandjohn. And! As they say in our hometown -
Both: Don't forget to be awesome.
[outro ends]
