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Should you always imagine people complexly? Would constellations be different on Mars? How many trees would you have to plant to offset your carbon footprint? And more!

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H: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.  

J: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

H: It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother John, that's that other guy, we answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.  Hey, John, how you doing?

J: I'm doing well, Hank.  How are you?

H: I'm good.  I'm good.  I have coffee, which is probably a little bit dangerous, but I wanted to bring my A-game, so I decided to do this on stimulants.

J: I do feel like you're a person who, by and large, does not need a ton of caffeine to get going.

H: No.  Well, I mean, I'll be honest with you and this is a difficult thing now that my life has changed, the trick that I used for years to be really like, sort of like, up and get 'em and go and like, really energetic kind of person, was I would sleep a lot.  I would sleep nine hours a night minimum.

J: Yes.  It's smart.

H: And then I would get up and I would be like, ready to take on the world, like, everybody's like, Hank's never tired and I'm like that's cause I'm asleep most of the time!

J: Yeah.  Yep.  That is one of the benefits of not having a child.  

H: Yes, it is not--it is no longer my life, though I do find I have a very wonderful ability to--this is one of the great privileges of my life, that I can set my own schedule and so I try--I've tried to, since paternity leave has ended, not schedule anything end before 11 and that allows me to still sleep a fair amount.  It's just not all in one go.

J: Yeah, I haven't--I don't think I've slept, like, eight hours in a row more than like, 10 or 20 nights a year since my kids were born.

H: Yeah, that seems like it's gonna be the case and it's almost--I remember I was talking to Dave, who helps run DFTBA, and he was going up to VidCon and he has two young children and it was like, it's gonna be really intense, you're gonna be on all day, and he was like, am I gonna get to sleep eight uninterrupted hours, because if so, this is gonna be a vacation like I have never had before and I was like, you will.

 (02:00) to (04:00)

You will get to do that, so have a really great time having the most intense weekend of my life that will, to you, seem like a great day off.

J: Hank, would you like a short poem for today?

H: Do it for me brother.

J: Alright, Hank, this poem comes from Ogden Nash.  It's very, very short indeed, it's just a couplet.  It's called The Fly.

The Lord, in his wisdom, made the fly
and then forgot to tell us why.

I love that.  I love a good Ogden Nash poem.  Nothing like light verse, it's the most underappreciated kind of verse.  We've got plenty of heavy verse these days, but uh, I like a good light verse.

H: Maybe you should get into that business, John.  Where's all your light verse?

J: Unfortunately, I'm not good at--I don't have an ear for poetry, like, I can't hear the rhythm of it in my head very well, but I am trying to write a book of another kind.

H: Yeah, me too.

J: So hopefully I'll get that done at some point.

H: Oh, God, it's hard.

J: It is hard, but among the things that could be difficult in our lives, it is a nice one to have, how hard writing is, so...

H: Yeah, you know what's--the dumbest thing about writing, I've found, is that like, literally anything can happen.  You're just making stuff up, and you gotta make up the best one.

J: Yeah.

H: Of all of the infinite number of things that could happen, so.

J: Yeah, I don't really buy into the argument that um, you know, like, people who suffer from mental illnesses have like, secret talents or whatever.  You know how that's like, a commonly romanticized thing about mental illness is that like, oh--

H: Sure, yeah.

J: Well, if (?~3:47) just goes off her meds, she'll catch the terrorist in Homeland or whatever, I don't really buy that argument, but I will say that one of the benefits to my obsessive thought spiraling, one of the very few benefits, is that it allows me to cycle very quickly through all the things that might happen in a fictional situation and to choose from among them the most devastating, so I have found that helpful in my writing career, although, again, it's only really useful when I am well enough to be able to write in the first place.  

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H: Indeed.  Well, now, now, let's use that as a jumping off point for our first question, does that sound good to you?

J: Sure.

H: Alright, this question's from Katie, who asks, "Dear Hank and John, It's gonna be a quick one.  My long-time partner and I are getting married in October and clearly the first thing I had to do was put together the music for the reception.  I have two questions.  How do I convince him to let me put "Pen Pineapple Apple Pen" on our wedding playlist and two, any other song recommendations?"  Well, Katie, first, I don't have an answer for number two, but for number one, don't do that!

J: What is Pen Pineapple Apple Pen?

H: Really?!

J: Really.

H: Oh, you're're so, as they say, out of the loop.  Looketh over here and--

J: Okay, we're gonna pause the podcast, we're just gonna hit the pause button on the podcast, I'm gonna listen to this song on YouTube, and then we're gonna get started on the podcast again and then I will come back to you momentarily with my review of the song, hold on, hold on.

H: Okay.

(Hold music)

J: I have now watched this 51 second video, "Pen Pineapple Apple Pen" which inexplicably has 182 million views on YouTube and I'm just going to tell you, Katie, right now, as memes go, that one is not going to last.  You know what it's gonna be like?  It's gonna be like if you brought Ikea Monkey to your wedding.  It's just not gonna hold up as a meme.

H: Yeah, yeah.  You just have to--you have to consider--I mean, do you want your--I mean, I guess maybe you want your wedding to be a snapshot of that moment in time, but to me, it's--it should be more than that.  It should go deeper than that.  It should be a, try having it be a more of a timeless experience and--but I mean, looking back, I don't know what we played at our wedding.

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