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Hola from Mexico.  My name is Lindsey, I'm a clinical sexologist, doctor of human sexuality, and host of this sex curious show, Sexplanations.  Today's episode about having sex with women is sponsored by, the online store for all things sex.  


I share my experience a lot because we can all learn from each others' lives.  Let's talk about my inexperience for the same reason.  I'm gonna model thinking about and learning how to do something new, which is having sex with women.  I haven't, yet.  I'm oriented toward men, but I really value exploring my sexuality.  I'm curious.  Sex with women may not happen.  Sex with any other person requires consent from another person, but I love thinking about how it could happen, how much would I understand intellectually might apply to an actual situation and what I can learn only by doing it.  Here's how I imagine having sex with a woman, which is influenced by many women in my life who have had sex with women.

First, get tested.  Most sexually related infections are asymptomic, meaning they don't have signs that there is a virus or bacteria wreaking havoc on the body.  I want to know my current status and this is easy with at home kits that will test me.  Easy, not cheap.  

Next, assess interest.  As someone sensitive to how women are often sexualized and pressured against their will, I really want to start with a strong sense of who wants what.  Stevie Boebi has a series on her channel called Lesbian Sex 101 where she talks all about having sex with women and she told me what she loves most about sex with women is how there aren't gender roles of who does what to whom.  There's no 'he makes the first move', etc, but then how do you know if the person is into you?  Who starts?  Do I eye-fuck her and then passionately press against her, or am I an innocent pupil being led, devoured.  Coming from a hetero world, as a feminist and with no problem making the first move, I can still fall back on tradition.  Men moving things along.  If he wants it, he'll make it happen.  With women, though, what do you do?  Stevie introduced me to the concept of lesbian sheepitude, this tendency fr women to miss out on romantic or sexual moments with each other because they don't initiate.  Like sheep, they show sexual interest by being still.  If a woman is new to approaching women, scared of rejection, trying to control the outcome, hoping that the other person will hit on them the way that we're taught, nothing happens, so I have to know what I want and be willing to ask for it.  

Okay.  Let's say I know my test results.  I've sexualized a woman despite my best efforts not to, and we've determined through up-front conversations that we want to play with each other.  What are the actual sexual behaviors?  How do women have sex with women?  I want mutual masturbation for sure so that I can observe what she's doing with her body, what she touches, how, does she use a vibrator, tug her nipples, hump the bed, how does her body go through changes as she gets turned on?  Totally aware that what we do to ourselves is not necessarily what we want from someone else. 

Then, I'd wash my hands and put on gloves for manual stimulation.  I love it when people wear gloves and touch me!  No sharp edges, no dried skin, fewer germs.  I'd say, can you put my hands on your body and give me directions?  Like doing anything for the first time. Show me.  Pat, massage, pinch, pull, flick, hold this vibrator in place.  I would want to go lightly, not tickling, just lightly, and then, ooh, this is gonna be so fun.  Hah.  

Admiration.  One way that I want to have sex with a woman is by looking at her unique body.  Folds, protrusions, shapes, layers, hairs, scars, bumps.  She may have a vulva, she may not.  What is there?  I want to use my senses to learn and complement her.  Fill her up with appreciation for what she's sharing with me and study her body like a map.

Erotic talk.  Another sex educator once said, "An easy way to turn someone on is to tell them what you're doing to them and what you want to do to them and then what you did to them."  I think this will be the most challenging for me because I feel so clinical about it right now.  I want to know what it feels like to have sex with a woman, but this is sex I'm trying to have, not just science, so something like, "Gah, you're so soft, I love tracing your skin.  I want to _______."  For me, that blank is fisting.

I don't know if it's the wanna-be midwife or surgeon in me, but I'm so drawn to going profoundly inside someone with my hand and wrist and arm and then if they orgasm, aah!  Clinching involuntarily around me.  That's the fantasy and I have small hands.  Teach me, women.  How would you like to be fisted or fist?  

Also on the list, from the first sex dream that I had about a woman is her lying me down on a desk and crawling up on me to make out.  Dry humping, clothes on, rubbing each other, totally on my want list.  Tribbing, specifically rubbing genitals together, I'll take it, sounds like fun, especially with someone who's experimenting with new forms of pleasure themselves.  Fondling.   Ahh, I don't know if or whom I will hook, but breasts, which lots of women have, look so fun to snuggle in and caress.  Ahh.  Strap-ons.  Holding a toy, a dildo, butt plug, vibrator, clit stimulator, sleeve, whatever it is, to a person's body is totally a way to have sex with a woman, but I want to wear it.  This one.  Silicone, average size with a condom on it, in a harness, doing my best to wield it with limited experience and maneuverability.  Again, all parties consenting.  Maybe this is the dildo that I keep for being penetrated by myself and they have their own, 'cause you don't wanna share your toys until you've negotiated sharing body fluids and risks. 

It really is a bummer that there aren't many mainstream examples of how to coordinate all of these practices.  Stevie has so many videos.  I'm gonna wrap up my list with oral, but if you want the comprehensive women having sex with women sex education, Stevie channel is wonderful.  Alright, oral sex.  Slow and steady, long laps, passionately making out with the blossom between her legs, whatever that may be.  Ideally with protection, a barrier to separate body fluids.  Woo-oo.  I know the mechanics of it.  Video: Do touch all these areas.  Like this, this, this, this, this, and this.  Don't bombard the clit.

I know how to get feedback and improve performance, but when I imagine having sex with a woman, oral isn't on my lineup, giving or receiving.  I've been told by multiple queer women, Lindsey, you don't ever have to go down on a woman to have sex with her, and I want you to know this, too.  There isn't just one way to have sex with a woman and there isn't a hierarchy in the many, many, many options out there.  

What happens with me in any sexual experience is a collaborative process, with negotiation, curiosity about what the other person wants and brings to the table or desk. This is my process of unpacking what my new sexual adventure could look like, but I won't know until it's happening what all the possibilities are.  I mean it.  I have to stay curious.

These help.  Having sex toys that I can play around with and keep in new experience, light or silly, is such a gift.  I don't have to use them, but ooh, do I love having the option.  I love this one.  I mean, especially if you got the vagina part right there.  Oh my gosh.  Oh, you are powerful.  Mm.  Remember this beauty.  Hey, women, want to have sex with me?  Look at all these things that I get from Adam & Eve and we can just play with.  You can get one of these for 50% off or any other eligible item in your shopping cart at when you use the promo code 'DOE' at checkout. will include free shipping to the US and Canada on your whole big box of whatever you order. for sex with yourself, women, all the consenting people.  Stay curious.


Ladies.  Ladies.  Mm, having sex with the ladies.  Ahh.