Lizzie: My mother has been freaking out! --I wonder how many of these videos will start with that exact same sentence...-- So what was she freaking out about? That Jane has to default on her student loans AGAIN, even though she has a full time job? Nope. Or the fact that I have mid-terms coming up that will probably shape my entire future? Not even close.

No, my mom freaks out about Bing Lee, some rich, successful, going-to-be-a-doctor who she's never met who's apparently destined to marry one of her daughters. My name is Lizzie Bennet, and this is all about Bing Lee.

[Intro plays]

Lizzie: According to the news, a.k.a. 2.5 WPF social media chatter, the mysterious Mr. Bing Lee is currently being whisked away to the airport by his driver. His driver, he has A DRIVER! I wish I had a driver, that would be awesome! As I was saying, Bing Lee is currently on his way to the airport, to return with an entire harem of women, according to my mother.

Lizzie: [as her mother] 500 women! There are prostitutes and teenagers and probably not-so-distant cousins!

Lizzie: [as herself] And you want me to marry this guy?

Lizzie: [as her mother] Have you not been listening to me? He’s rich, handsome, and SINGLE!

Lizzie: [as herself] And what makes you think there are 500 teenage prostitutes? 

Lizzie: [as her mother] I just happened to be driving by his house, you know, five or six times, spoken to his neighbors, stolen his mail… completely normal things!

Lizzie: [as herself] Right! Of course.

Lizzie: [as her mother] And anyway, you, my dear, are missing the point. Those are now 500 women with a better chance of marrying that man than any of my hopeless, pathetic, single daughters.

(Lydia enters and hits Lizzie’s hat off)

Lizzie: Hey!

Lydia: Wow, you have seriously lost your mind. (clicks tongue) You do need some man-action.

Lizzie: Well you’ve got plenty to spare.

Lydia: Hey! You should be nice to me because I know something you don’t know.

(Lydia goes to leave)

Lizzie: Wait, Lydia! Wait!

(Lydia is sitting next to Lizzie)

Lizzie: Okay. Now tell me.

(silence)

Lizzie: Oh my god, tell me or get out!

Lydia: Okay, so Mom paid me 10 bucks to drive by Bing’s on my way home from Marie’s and he only brought back one girl. So I talked to Marie, who texted Ben who called his cousin--

Lizzie: Lydia!

Lydia: Um, she’s just his sister. The girl he brought back, just his sister! Holla!

Lizzie: Alright, well at least Mom will be thrilled. So wait, you saw him. Is he actually cute?

Lydia: Nah, just the back of his head. I tried! He’s like a ninja. His sister was beautiful, though. Totally gorgeous. So he’s probably at least passable. Although, sometimes good genes tend to skip a sibling…

Lizzie: Alright, time for you to leave!

Lydia: Wait! I’m not done, there was someone else, another man.

Lizzie: Wait. Like, frolicking in the meadows, holding hands, another man?

Lydia: No, dumbass! He brought a friend back with him. An incredibly hot, incredibly rich piece of man-cake friend. I heard they went to school together.

Lizzie: That doesn’t mean they weren’t frolicking in meadows.

Lydia: Oh my god, stop it, they are too hot and single to be gay!

Lizzie: Does your infinite chain of sources know this ambiguously sexually-oriented “man-cake’s" name?

Lydia: Darcy.

Lizzie: Darcy? That’s it? Is that his first name or his last name?

Lydia: I don’t know, I just heard them call him Darcy.

Lizzie: Wow. That’s an awful name.

Lydia: I think it’s a great name. Isn’t that, uh, Colin Firth’s name in that chubby Zellweger movie?

Lizzie: I do love that movie.

(Lydia leaves)

Lizzie: Darcy. It’s like he’s a dubstep DJ. [imitating dubstep] Wub, wub, wub, rrrrrrr.

(Lydia throws a shirt at Lizzie)

Lizzie: Lydia! Oh my god!

[Outro plays]