dear hank & john
068 - Gaga in Space (w/ Tyler Oakley!)
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Are quesadillas sandwiches? What is the ideal OK Cupid match percentage? How much of another person's food am I allowed to consume? And more!
John: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John, it's a comedy podcast about death where myself and my friend Tyler Oakley this week give you dubious advice, answer your questions, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hank is away on leave so I am joined by Tyler Oakley, how are ya Tyler?
Tyler: I'm good, thank you so much for having me. Thank God Hank is gone.
J: (laughs) I know finally I get to live my dream of Dear John and Tyler. Ah you are of course
T: You know what, I think the people have been waiting for it, everyone is eager to hear (laughs). No I'm so happy to be here thank you.
J: Um, talk about your own podcast a little bit, do a little self promo, that's kind of your specialty.
T: Sure! Um so my best friend Korey Kuhl(?~0:48) and I have a podcast together, we've been doing it for two years now. Um, it's called Psychobabble, it's, aahh, stories we've never told, pop culture commentary, advice, um, and everything in between, it's literally whatever we want to talk about. Every single Tuesday. And yeah, it's a lot of fun.
J: I really love your podcast and I have to say I love your best friend Korey, he's an amazing amazing person.
T: He's ok, ahh (laughs), I haven't killed him yet. We just got matching tattoos together so I guess we're bonded for life so.
J: Oh my gosh really what are the tattoos?
T: Ummmm, it's a outline of two hands doing like a pinky promise.
J: Awww, that's super cool.
T: See you think it's tender, but at the end of the day it's really just us usually what we do drunk at a bar. Or promising each other that we'll get Taco Bell afterwards.
J: (laughs) The really great-
T: Almost tender but not
J: The really great matching tattoo is when you get the word taco tattooed on yourself and he gets the word bell tattooed on himself so you're never complete until you're together.
T: I mean a taco is pretty complete without the bell. A bell without the taco is just kind of sad.
J: That's actually a really good point. Yeah, no, that is a terrible bit.
Tyler, I am gonna answer--
T: Do you have tattoos? Wait, I need to know. Do you have tattoos, John?
J: I do not have any tattoos. I have thought about getting a tattoo many times, but I think that ship might have sailed. I'm 39.
T: You know, it's never too late. I love an old person with a sleeve. And by old person, I mean you.
J: I was about to point out that I'm not an old person, but I suppose that I am. Aren't you like, in your mid to late 20s at this point?
T: I'm just 18. No, we had a conversation recently, sorry, I know you wanna be like advice and things and questions, but didn't we just have a conversation about how we're both old on YouTube now? So I think we're qualified to give advice and answer questions.
J: Yeah, I agree, we are a little bit--we're YouTube old. You're not old really by any definition except by YouTube definitions of age. I am old by most definitions. Alright, Tyler, I'm going to get to a question because I think this is a very important first question.
J: Are you ready?
T: Yes, I have never been more ready.
J: This question comes from Hannah, who writes, "Dear Hank and John, I was catching up with a friend in a cafe the other day when she offered me some of her trail mix. She put it on the table in the middle and then we went back to talking. My question is this: how much of another person's food/snack am I allowed to consume before it is deemed inappropriate? Can I keep reaching back for more? Should I only eat the first bite that I grab? Why do I act sneakily when I try to eat this snack that they have generously offered me to eat?"
T: Oh my God.
J: Have you ever been in that situation? I've been in that situation a lot where someone'll say, like, you want some Doritos? And I'll be like, yeah, and then I'll just take the bag of Doritos and I'll eat all of it and then they'll look at me weird, but like, why did you say do you want some Doritos?
T: Here's the thing. I think you have to read their social cues. If they're chowing down and they offer you some, you, I think you can match their pace but not exceed it. Also, if it's trail mix, you can't just take the best thing and hog the best thing.
J: Right, you can't just take the M&Ms.
T: Right, you can't just take the M&Ms, you can't just take the, like, the brown chips in the Chex Mix, you know what I mean, like you have to kind of be fair.
J: No, I totally agree. That's a great point, like, of course, everybody has a bag of trail mix and then you end up and it's just like, a bunch of raisins and almonds in the bottom of it at the end of the day. So you gotta eat all the trail mix and you have to follow apparently something that Tyler calls social cues. I have no idea what those are.
T: Well, you know what? We'll dine together sometime soon and I'll teach you etiquette.
J: You'll just walk me through all of it?
T: Right. And I'll swat your hand if you grab something you're not supposed to.
J: I deeply appreciate that.
T: Which is my life motto. That's what I do in life.
J: Oh, Tyler, can I ask you a question that comes from me?
T: You can ask me anything.
J: How are you enjoying this election season?
T: It's--actually, um, it feels like it's eating away at my soul truly.
J: Yeah, this is a question we've gotten from a lot of listeners, including listeners who don't live in the United States who are like, why are you doing this to us, which, you know, fair question. It's eating away at my soul a little bit as well.
T: I feel like I'm very invested in it, and I can't imagine--I think there are certain levels of identity which it probably has hurt more to witness at all. I can't imagine identifying as a woman and seeing everything that's happening. I can't imagine being a person of color and seeing everything that's happening or being ignored, but as a gay man and as a millenial or whatever I might identify, a me-lennial, um, it has been--it has been shocking to witness and embarrassing to accept as our reality.
J: Yeah, it's really really hard to accept as our reality and I just hope--I keep kind of hoping that somehow it's going to magically end on the morning of November 9th and I don't know if that's going to prove to be true, but it has been this weird, very intense, I think largely unprecedented moment in American history.
There's never been political divisiveness like this, at least not in the 20th or 21st century. We've never seen a candidate anything like Trump calling into question the legitimacy of the election, you know, making statements that undermine the fundamental political institutions of the United States. I mean, putting aside policy, that stuff is, to me, pretty terrifying and it's just a reminder, this whole thing has reminded me that American history is quite short. This is all quite new and it's all a little fragile, you know?
T: Totally. I mean, the amount of people that can sweep aside or not care about the unprecedented things that are happening in this election, like, somebody saying that they might not accept the results, like that's a pretty big deal, um, and--
J: That's a huge deal. I mean, it's--it really is--there is no precedent for that, at least not since the Civil War, and that is a huge deal.
T: I was just watching the Hamilton documentary that was on PBS and there's a--have you seen--first of all, have you seen Hamilton?
J: I have not seen Hamilton. It's a very sad story. I was supposed to see Hamilton in New York City, we had tickets, we were in the airport on our way there and I have this weird disease called (?~7:26) esophagitis, this is part of my being old, and sometimes food gets stuck in my esophagus and steak got stuck in my esophagus while we were in the airport on our way to see Hamilton and I had to go to the hospital and get an emergency endoscopy and it's just the worst. Anyway, I will see it soon but it is a v--I have not seen it. But I have listened to the soundtrack literally 500 times.
T: So you're familiar with One Last Time, the song about George Washington stepping away and kind of setting a precedent for a two term system.
T: Allowing a country to move on past its first leader.
T: And in the documentary on PBS, it kind of explores a peaceful transition and how that has become so crucial for our country and for half of America to seemingly not care about a peaceful transition is scary.
J: Yeah, I hope it's not half. I mean, I do hold out some hope that it's not half and that there's a, yeah. But it is--I don't want to--I also don't want to undersell how bad it is and also wanna be aware of the fact that it's much worse for, like you said earlier, it's much worse for people who aren't me and like, I benefit from a lot of privilege in this conversation about the election in general, and I'm trying to be conscious of that, but I hope that it's not half. We'll see. But yeah, it's--
T: We will see. I would love it to be--I would love it to be just a statement, so many people show up to vote that it is a statement to the world that this is not who we are.
T: Like, it's one thing for polls to say, you know, what they're predicting but people have to show up and show the world that's not who we are.
J: That's a great point, so everybody, if you can vote, do, and if you don't know if you can vote, go to YouTube.com/HowToVoteInEveryState, Hank's amazing project that will tell you how to vote in every state in the union and Washington D.C. and if you are a citizen living abroad as well.
T: I loved his series. I thought it was really helpful and plus it was interesting to see the differences between different places and how to vote absentee and all these things, I thought it was really crucial and necessary, so thanks, Hank.
J: Thank you, Hank, you're a good person, a good brother, and a good citizen.
T: I bet there's a lot of people that are underage and can't vote. There's still ways to get involved. Use your voice on social media and remind people the day before.
Text everyone you know, like, hey, just a reminder, tomorrow you vote. I can't, I wish I could, please exercise your right because I can't, or if you wanna ri--give somebody a ride to their polling station. Sometimes that's the difference between if they vote or not, so you can be that difference.
J: Absolutely. Tyler, I wanna get to even more serious questions if you don't mind. This one comes from Stacy, who writes, "Dear Hank and John, I was appalled to learn last week that my husband of over 11 years believes that quesadillas and tacos are sandwiches. Clearly they are not. Please help settle this debate so our house can once again be peaceful and we can decide how to properly raise our children. Longtime fan of the pod, Stacy."
T: Well, that is traumatizing.
J: Yeah, it's upsetting. I mean, you never wanna discover something like that eleven years into a marriage. That's the kind of thing you really, Stacy, I don't wanna criticize you in this situation, but it seems to me that you guys should have had that talk before you got married.
T: I mean, I have to maybe give him some credit because--
T: Content within carbs is a sandwich.
J: No. Content within carbs is not a sandwich.
T: I think the whole definition of a sandwich is--
J: A Mexican sandwich, there is a word for a Mexican sandwich, it is called a torta. There is--it exists. It is a thing in the world.
T: I don't know, well, I think a hot dog is a sandwich.
J: Mm, very marginal.
T: I think this might be our first disagreement. I think I'm on his side. I think it's important to accept all shapes and forms of sandwiches, and some of them are--y'know what, no. A panini is a sandwich and a panini is bread but thinner and so if we take it one step further and even thinner, would that not be a quesadilla?
J: Well, if you take it one step further and then you're just grilling cheese, that is also not a sandwich. Like, you've gotta draw the line for a sandwich at some point.
T: I don't know if I will ever draw that line.
J: I've gotta say, in my opinion, and I guess the answer here, Stacy, is that if Tyler and I are able to maintain our friendship in spite of Tyler's ridiculous statement that a quesadilla is somehow a sandwich, I think that you and your husband can probably, like, figure it out and make it work, and I have absolute confidence in you, but Tyler is wrong on this one.
T: Stacy, I don't think John and I will ever recover, so divorce is an option.
J: That's right. I mean, you've gotta keep all your options on the table, Stacy. That'd be a great thing to tell the kids, too. So why'd you guys break up, Mom and Dad? Oh, your dad believes that sandwiches and tacos are the same thing.
T: All I'm saying is the straw that breaks the camel's back, that single straw is not heavy.
J: That is not a straw. I'm sorry, if that is a straw in your relationship, like, you care way too much about sandwiches.
T: Listen. You--you guys hash it out and you get back to us.
J: Yeah, let us know if you're able to move on from this. Alright, let's move on to another question. "Dear Hank and John, I know John has had experience with depression after being broken up with. I was wondering, as someone with a boyfriend who I think is at risk of having the same issue, what is the best way to break up with someone to help them avoid that scenario?"
T: My God. How do you break up with someone so that they're not impacted by it?
J: Yeah, you're not gonna be able to break up with someone so that they're not impacted by it, but I also, as someone who's been on the other side of that coin a couple times, like, looking back, I realized that it is--it was not that person's responsibility and it was not that person's fault, so you know, what happens to your boyfriend after you break up is not your fault. Obviously, don't be, I mean, that would be my take anyway. Like, don't be cruel, but keep firm boundaries and if you need to end the relationship, you need to end the relationship, you know?
T: I think open communication throughout the relationship helps a peaceful transition. I think if you bring up something that you've never brought up before while you're breaking up with someone, that's not the easiest way to break the news. So--
T: If you haven't tried to work through it, not saying that you have to try to work through it, but if it's something out of the blue, I think that's detrimental to their process of moving on. I think also, if you commit to breaking up with someone, commit to it. You can't be wishy washy. You can't offer, you know, maybe someday in the future we might get back together, like, that really messes with someone and their ability to move on.
J: It's so hard to do that, but you're right. I mean, this is all good advice, but it's really hard to do.
T: I was recently dumped, not recently, um, no--
T: In the grand scheme of my life, recently, and one thing that I was really grateful for was he um, he said I just don't see us ever being a thing, and like that, so that stung in the minute, but how great that I had no question of maybe someday, you know what I mean?
J: Right, right.
T: To just have a closure to it, even though that was like probably difficult for him to say.
T: 'Cause like, that's not a nice feeling to give to somebody, but like, down the line, that was helpful to me to be able to be like, okay, I--it's time for me to like, accept it and move on.org.
J: Right. Yeah, no, I totally agree that having those boundaries during a break up is really hard but it's really important. In my experience, anyway, I haven't been able to move on until I've accepted that, you know, I've accepted that the relationship is over and also you know, accepted that I'm gonna have a good and fulfilling life, that, you know, isn't going to involve that particular relationship with this person.
T: Right. I agree.
J: It's hard though. I mean, there's no easy way to break up and, but I think you make a great point that if in the context of the relationship the lines of communication are open, the breakup's gonna go a lot smoother.
T: And it shouldn't seem so out of the blue. I mean, if a breakup is out of the blue, then you're--that's just--I don't think that's the most kosher way to go about it.
J: Right. I totally agree, yeah, I mean, that should be part of the lines of communication in a relationship being open. I've never been surprised by a breakup, which speaks highly of the people I've dated. Usually when Hank has a special guest, by the way, Tyler, like it's all fun and games, like Flula was on an episode and like, you and I are just, we're just diving deep.
T: That's okay with me. I'm a man of versatility.
J: Like, this is--
T: Calm down.
J: This is what I would do every week. I would just go, I would just go straight for the jugular, but yeah, there's no easy way to break up. I got another dating question for you, Tyler, it comes from Liz.
T: I mean, all I can think of with you saying 'straight for the jugular' is the piece of steak stuck, so be careful.
J: The piece of steak stuck in my esophagus? I can't--I mean, I don't wanna gross you out, but like, the worst part about this--when it happens, like the steak getting stuck in my esophagus, is that I can't swallow water, like I can't swallow my own spit even, so I just like, puke up my own spit every three or four minutes for hours until I finally get this endoscopy done. It was super annoying.
T: You know what, for some people that's a turn on, I'm sure, so, one man's trash, another man's treasure.
J: I mean, I would do great with a very specific subset of the population.
T: God bless!
J: When my esophagitis is acting up. I have to say, I haven't had any problems since then. Alright, let's answer this question from Liz, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, I recently decided to try online dating." Maybe this'll get me an opportunity to tell my awesome online dating stories from way back in the old person days. "More specifically, OKCupid. One thing I like about it is that you answer a bunch of question and then they do fancy calculations to determine how much of a match you are with other users. The idea is that more is better, but is it really a good idea to be with someone who's a 98% match? Aren't you then too alike? On the other side, I feel pretty confident that I won't hit it off with someone who's a 50% match, but then what should be my minimum threshold to consider meeting someone? What range of match percentage is actually the ideal amount?"
T: Hm. I mean, I, at one point in my life, was on OKCupid, and I found no success. I found it to be accurately named just okay. For me, though, if you're looking at percentage, like, sure, you can agree that you both want a dog, sure you can agree that you both love a cookout, but like.
T: Is any--are any questions really going to accurately detect sense of humor or personality, like, just a sense of charm, you feeling butterflies, like, I don't know if I could ever boil down a successful relationship to a handful of questions, let alone 200 questions. I think, over the course of a few dates, you'll go through many more than that, and some of those things, like, are not dealbreakers, so I don't know if on OKCupid, you can weight the importance of a question or if it weights it for you, so I don't even know if I believe in the system to begin with, so I don't know if I can reckon a percentage that's accurate or worthwhile to pursue.
J: Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. My feeling about OKCupid is, when I look at my relationship with my wife, you know, I suspect that we would not have been a match in a lot ways that OKCupid considers important, but the things that are really important to Sarah and me are, you know, some of the things you talked about like charm, sense of humor, the fact that we have shared values, which is incredibly important and really difficult for algoriths to understand.
Like, if algorithms were better at understanding human values, then the whole internet would work a lot better than it does, and I think that stuff has to kind of come out in conversation, like, no matter how many interests you share, that's a relatively small part of a relationship in my experience. So, Liz, we're gonna say that a 0% match is fine. Like, don't worry about it too much. I was really, really terrible at internet dating, Tyler, back in the, gosh, the 2002-2003 era, when I was on internet dating. It was different then, like, the vibe of it was different. There was no Grindr or anything, but I did meet people from the internet and went on dates with them, almost always to the same German restaurant, which, looking back, maybe wasn't the best call, and I did have a couple of like, semi-serious relationships emerge out of those experiences, but oh man, it was hard.
T: I--my experience with internet or app dating, I have found--I just, and maybe this is me personally, I just find that if I meet somebody organically, I feel like we get into a better rhythm from the start. I feel like, if you're on the internet learning everything about somebody, it's a curated amount of what they wanna share and who they want to be perceived as, and sometimes that really messes with maybe the accuracy of the match, especially in a system of like, sending five pictures and that's what represents you.
Five pictures that I might pick for myself might not be the five pictures my soulmate might think represent me, you know what I mean?
J: Right. Totally.
T: And when you meet somebody organically, you're seeing them as a fully fledged human and how they're mannerisms come into play and maybe that doesn't translate on, I don't know, in a digital space, so I take the presentation of a human on a social media app or on OKCupid as a grain of salt. I mean, it's who they wanna be and it's what they think they are. That has no relation to how you would perceive them in a romantic sense.
J: So can I tell you a story that will make me seem super crazy old?
T: Yes. Does it start with an Ok--I mean, does it start with Yahoo Chats chatroom?
J: Oh, Tyler. Oh, Tyler. It occurs long before Yahoo Chats.
T: Oh no.
J: So back in 1992, my dad brought home Compuserve from like, a store, because that's where you bought the internet back then, and I started using the internet--
T: For context, I was three years old right then.
J: That's great to hear. I was a teenager, I was like 13 or 14, 15 maybe.
J: And, um, I started using the internet to talk to people, mostly other students in these forums where we would use our real names, there were no screen names yet or anything like that, and it was all text based. There were no pictures on the internet at that time, like, the thought of downloading a picture, it was just like, well, that's like, $200 of internet time to download a single picture so it was just off the radar. I started talking to this young woman that summer, a really fascinating, smart kid about my age, and we continued to talk for off and on for about three years.
We talked sometimes on the phone, but usually just on the internet, and at no point did we exchange any pictures. It was just not, it wasn't within the culture of the internet to exchange pictures, and when we finally met in gosh, I guess it was October of 1996, I had never seen her before when I drove across the country to Maryland to meet her.
T: Oh my God. No.
J: I had never seen a single picture of her and I drove across the country to meet her and I mean, it was truly love at first sight and we dated very, very happily for many years and we had a wonderful relationship.
J: Despite having never seen pictures of each other when we meet three years after we started talking.
T: Wow. That's insane.
J: I know, isn't that weird?
J: It didn't seem weird at the time.
T: Well, in hindsight, I'm like, girl, you're getting catfished. As somebody who has hosted an episode of Catfished, this is not looking good for you. I'm like waiting for you to show up, and it's like me, or coughcough, an old man.
J: No, no, no, no.
J: No. No, she was lovely. She's doing great, too.
T: You know, I dated--
J: It didn't work out, obviously.
T: I dated, when I was um, maybe in middle school, in a video game I used to play, and we used to hunt together, it was like an MMORPG, and we would go like, hunting, we'd be on the same like, video game schedule, like, playing, we even in the game, we got married, and I never saw what she looked like. I, like, had a crush on her, I guess, just like the concept of her personality, umm...
J: Alright, Tyler, we've got a question that comes from Alianah, and I apologize, Alianah, if I am mispronouncing your name, although in the context of your question, it's sort of appropriate for me to mispronounce your name.
She writes, "Dear Hank and John, I'm currently a (?~26:04) in my new job, which means I have to learn everyone's names. This gives me anxiety, since I'm not good at remembering names, and I don't want to offend anybody by getting their names wrong. Do you have any advice on how I can easily remember the names of my new coworkers? Thank you in advance."
T: Oh my God, this is me. This is, I, like, I would love any advice. I am so bad at names, even if I--
T: Even if I'm positive about somebody's name, I am so insecure about it that I don't trust my own gut.
J: 100%. I have a friend, a legitimate friend, and I know, I know, I know that his name is David, but when the time comes to pull the trigger, I can never do it.
T: Are we the same human?
J: Because there's just a little part of me that's like, is it David? Or could it be Davis?
T: On every red carpet, I think I know who a celebrity is, and as they approach, I'm like, heyy, girlll.
J: Well, 'cause it's so risky. I mean, hitting the wrong name is such an epic disaster and just saying hello is such a relatively small thing and, but if you say the wrong name of a celebrity, first off, Tyler, I mean, you and I are both, let's face it, C-listers?
T: I'll take it.
J: I'll take it. I would be delighted to be a C-lister. And so you know from experience that when someone calls you by the wrong name, it does rather set the conversation off on the wrong foot.
T: Well, I don't--well, not for me. I think there is a--I am very eager to forgive based on how they go about the situation. Like, if they are genuinely embarrassed, then I'm like, it is literally no problem. My biggest fear is always when I'm meeting somebody and I say it's nice to meet you and they say, oh, we've met before. I'm like, ughhh.
J: Oh yeah.
T: I think that sets--
J: That's why I never--but I never correct someone if I know I've met them before, I never wanna make that correction, because--
T: Right, right.
J: What's it gonna do other than make them feel terrible?
T: Right. I am--right, exactly. So as far as trying to remember somebody's name, to answer the question, remember in, um, what's that movie, House Bunny or something? With Anna Faris?
J: We can't remember the name of it. What movie?
T: I think it's--House Bunny? I think with Anna Faris? Listen. There's a character, Anna Faris is meeting these new people and to remember all their names, they say, oh, hi, my name is JoAnn, and she says, JoAnn, and that's how she remembers her name. It's the most iconic scene from the movie. So maybe that can be a way you can do it.
J: That's a really, really good idea. So you just pronounce their names back to them in a low growl and you will find that in addition to remembering everyone's names, you will meet fewer and fewer people as your life goes on.
T: A demonic--yeah. I actually have a genuine piece of advice for this question, though. Um, what I do is I ask them how they spell it, and that's how I remember. So I'm like, okay, Sarah with an H or without an H? And then I'll always remember it's Sarah with no H.
T: And then when I see them again, I'm like, Sara with no H!
J: Oh, I'm just so terrible at remembering peoples' names. I feel awful about it. Like, even people I really like or I know well, I'm just terrible at it.
T: You know what, also, I think I wish I were better at?
T: Once you meet them, once they tell you their name, repeat it back to them within that conversation an obscene amount of times, more than seems normal or necessary, and I think you're more likely to remember it and be--
J: I do think you're more likely to remember it, but I also think if you do it way more than is necessary, people start to feel weird. They start to be like, boy, I haven't heard my name this many times in a loooong time.
T: I'd rather make them weird--I'd rather make them feel weird once in that first conversation than be like, heyy girllll and then always be like who the (bleep) is that?
J: I knew we weren't gonna get through this episode without a bleep and sure enough, we aren't.
T: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
J: No, that's fine. Alright, Tyler, we've got one more question for you before I get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I know that that's your favorite part of the podcast?
T: Well, duhh.
J: Okay, Tyler, this question comes from Camille, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, Does Voldemort use the bathroom?"
T: Oh yes.
J: There you go, Tyler. Does he?
T: Though I don't know. I don't--I didn't--I didn't get into the books or the movies, I'm sorry.
J: I don't know either.
T: I know, whatever, okay, I get it.
T: Everyone judges.
J: I'll just ask you a different question so that people don't have to judge you for that horror--
T: No, you know what, they should accept me for who I am. Not everyone read Goosebumps. Not everyone read The Bible. And not everyone's gonna read your favorite book and you're gonna deal with that.
J: I lo--you know what, I love that answer. It's bold. It's expressive. It's very Tyler Oakley. That said, you should really read Harry Potter, it's great.
T: You should really what? Read the--Harry Potter? Or Binge?
J: You should also read Tyler Oakley's New York Times Bestselling memoir Binge, which I genuinely is really great, Tyler, I mean, I've told you that privately before, but it is--it's a really great book.
T: Oh my God, shut up.
J: And it's got so many memorable stories in it and it just tells a very true and moving story. But Harry Potter is also excellent.
T: Okay, well, as somebody who read Harry Potter, do you think Voldemort pees?
J: I mean, I think it's an interesting--
T: Do you think he pees?
J: What I find interesting about the question is that you know, nobody ever uses the bathroom in any books or movies. It's like this part of life that we have largely excluded from our art, and maybe with good reason, but um, but yeah, I mean, I assume that Voldemort goes to the bathroom.
T: I don't know, I have a full chapter in my book about fecal matters, so.
J: You do.
T: Maybe that's--
J: You do. You were the artist who was willing to go where JK Rowling was not.
T: I mean, I think that's the difference. To ask though if he uses the bathroom is to ask if he is at his core, human, and I think that's a bigger issue that you have to grapple in this dang little book or whatever this Harry Potter is.
J: Yeah, that's actually a really good point, like, ultimately, like, going to the bathroom is mostly about how we assign personhood and how we like, think of like, lives. For instance, we never think of Stormtroopers going to the bathroom, because I don't think we really think of them as people, but um, so the answer to your question is that we do not know. Tyler?
J: Would you like to know what happened on Mars this week? Usually, Hank delivers the news from Mars, but it falls to me this week, so can I tell you what happened on Mars?
T: Can I guess what happens?
J: Please do guess what happened on Mars.
T: So. There they are. The Martians. And um, you know what I like to imagine? Gay aliens. Gays in space. I feel like, in the grand scheme of things, I just hope that out there, not only do I--I'm pretty certain that there's aliens and things, but there--I just want them all to be gay. Is that what's going on on Mars?
J: I definitely read um, some fiction that imagines that world and it's been fascinating to read. The news from Mars is as follows: There was a black smudge found on Mars which is bad news because that black smudge was the Mars reconnaisance orbiter that was supposed to land on Mars, but instead appears to have crashed and turned into a gigantic black smudge.
T: Was there anybody on board? Is there--was it just kinda like a little machine thing?
J: Oh no, no, no, no. There was no one on board. In fact, no one is allowed to go to Mars until the year 2028 or later, because Hank and I made a bet that no humans will get--I bet him that humans will not make it to Mars by 2028 and if I win that bet, the podcast will be renamed Dear John and Hank in the year 2028, so I am putting all of my resources right now toward keeping humans an Earth-only species for at least the next, you know, 12 years.
T: Well, you're gonna have to fight me, because I'm eager to go to space. I'm like, ready to leave Earth.
J: You can go to space all you want. You just--
T: No, but like, I wanna go everywhere in space.
J: --can't go to Mars. Do you really?
T: Yeah, the amazing space, that's what I want.
J: Oh, no, no, no, I would not go to space if you paid me all the money in the world. It just sounds terrifying.
T: Honestly, even if I died in space, what a great last line of my Wikipedia. Like, tell me it's not. You're welcome.
J: It is a good last l--just, "He died in space."
T: I was hoping--right. I was hoping you were going to say what happened in Mars was JoAnn, the new Lady Gaga album, streamed from Mars, 'cause it just came out, everyone should buy it.
J: Oh wow. That was--I mean, you squeezed in a Lady Gaga reference knowing that we were nearing the end of the podcast.
T: It would have been easier had I just gone the route of "Did you know Lady Gaga Tweeted #gagainspace2015 back a couple years ago, and so everyone thought she was going to space but then all of 2015 passed and on the last day of 2015, I Tweeted her, I said, "Girl, whatever happened to #gagainspace, why aren't you going?" So she might be the one to make you lose your bet. She's gonna hit Mars before 2028.
J: I mean, I would not, at this point in my life, underestimate Lady Gaga. She is a tremendously talented person. Did I ever tell you about the time that we sat on the same bench.
T: Shut. Up. Tell me more.
J: We did. Okay, so Lady Gaga drove, I believe, drove the Pace car or was involved in some way in the Indianapolis 500 last year.
T: Of course.
J: And I go to the Indianapolis 500 every year, because I am, you know, a good Indiana boy, and so I was sitting on a bench at the pagoda and I looked over and there was a beautiful person wearing a fire suit next to me, with like, long flowing hair, and I was like, that's a very unusual situation to see a really beautiful person with a--wearing a fire suit. But I didn't think much of it. The race was about to start, so I was pretty focused on the race, and then I noticed that this person was wearing unbelievably just fabulous beautiful astonishing shoes, like, amazing high heels.
J: And I was like, that's super weird. A fire suit, amazing high heels, and then I was like, oh, that's Lady Gaga.
T: Wow. Did it change your life?
J: I mean, it was pretty intense. I--I had to fight the urge to, you know, to have a celebrity encounter. I had to fight the urge to be like, can I have a picture or to say hi or to whatever. I just had to--I had to be cool, so I was cool, and I'm proud of myself for being cool. That's pretty much my takeaway.
T: Wow. So you didn't tell her you loved ArtPop?
J: I did not tell her that I loved ArtPop. If I told her anything, honestly, Tyler, if I had said anything to Lady Gaga, it probably would have been "My friend Tyler is actually and literally your biggest fan."
T: Wait, literally? Size-wise?
J: Alright, we're moving on to the news from AFC Wimbledon. Tyler, since you may not be familiar with AFC Wimbledon, they are a football club currently playing in the third tier of English football in South London, and we sponsor them.
T: Are you their actual and literal biggest fan?
J: I might be their biggest fan.
J: For context, on the back of AFC Wimbledon's shorts, it says "DFTBA Nerdfighteria" and also the north stand of their stadium is named the John Green stand.
T: So it sounds like they're your biggest fan.
J: No, no, no, I pay for that privilege.
T: Oh. Me. Me forcing anyone to be a fan of me. Just by paying.
J: Exactly. I'm just making them love me. Okay, so AFC Wimbledon, this is their first season in League One, they were not expected to do well, and in fact, like, most people thought that they would likely be relegated at the end of this season back to League Two, where they've been for the last several seasons, but instead, AFC Wimbledon has gone on this insane winning streak. Last week, they beat Peterborough one-nil, a goal from John Meades, and suddenly they are in sixth place in the table out of 24 teams, they are in sixth place, which is also the last playoff spot. So if the season were to end today, which it won't because there's still, mm, you know, like 31 games to play, they would finish in the playoffs. There's a long, long way to go, but that is very exciting and nobody could have predicted this level of success, so I am stoked.
T: You know, I kind of saw it coming. I saw it within them. So when you say nobody could have predicted, it's kind of an insult to my, you know.
J: I'm sorry. I appreciate the faith that you have in AFC Wimbledon. At the start of every season, I say that all I want in the world is for them to finish 19th in their League, whatever that League is, so that they don't get relegated to the League below, but um, but yeah, you're right, you have faith in AFC Wimbledon that I don't have, and that--that's probably what makes you in the end the bigger fan.
T: Mhmm, mhmm.
J: Oh man, I'm so excited for AFC Wimbledon, though, Tyler. It's like, it's just--ugh! I mean, it's just--I almost--I can't even explain it with words how cool this is, so that is the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.
I apologize for geeking out. I'm just really, really excited. I'm not gonna lie about it, I'm not gonna hide my enthusiasm, this is who I am, AFC Wimbledon are nestled near the top of the table right between Bristol Rovers and Port Vale and I am psyched.
T: Listen, I get it. This is exactly how I feel when a Carly Rae Jepsen single is climbing the charts. It's like, it's the same emotion.
J: Oh, that's awesome. Tyler, thank you so much for podding with me today, I really appreciate it.
T: It was so much fun.
J: This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Rosianna Halse Rojas helps us out with questions. Victoria Bongiorno does social media and many other things. Our theme music is by the brilliant and amazing YouTuber Gunnarolla, look him up on YouTube. Tyler, thank you again, and thanks to everyone for listening. Oh, you can e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org and you can also follow Tyler on various social media. Aren't you mostly just @tyleroakley?
T: I am @tyleroakley anywhere you can search, you may find me.
J: Alright, most--I like to follow Tyler on the following social media accounts: YouTube and Twitter, because those are the only two that I use, but I know that he uses others.
T: You know what, John? I will say, you once, years and years and years ago, Tweeted me, "I love following you on Twitter, 'cause I feel like more than anyone else, I get a glimpse into your life," and I have always remembered that. I'm like, that is the sweetest Tweet anybody's ever sent me.
J: Well, thank you. I do feel that way, and I have to say that it has been an immense joy in my life to watch the um, relationship that you've had with your audience grow and grow over the years and I've been a fan of yours since you had, you know, subscriber numbers in the hundreds, and it is just such a pleasure to watch all the awesome stuff that you do and I feel so grateful that you're in our community.
T: Shut up. Likewise, I guess.