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Why are there holes in crackers? What is proper hot tub etiquette? Can I snapchat politicians about immigration reform? And more!

 Intro (00:00)

[Hank:] Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

[Flula:] Or as I like to think of it, Hello and Welcome to Dear Hank and Flula! Sorry John Where Are You.

[Hank:] (laughs) Where are you, I don't even know. I don't even know what he's up to. Thank you, Flula, for joining us. This is a comedy podcast where me and usually my brother John, but today, Flula Borg, answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hey, Flula. How ya doin'?

[Flula:] I'm so good, Hank. How are you doing today?

[Hank:] I'm great. I'm so happy to have you on the podcast to help answer some people's questions and I'm sure you're going to be such a wonderful purveyor of dubious advice.

[Flula:] I am. Love Ze Dewbis.

[Hank:] (laughs) So, yeah. What are you up to right now? Where are you?

[Flula:] I'm currently in a town. It is called Los Angeles. I'm wearing a small pair of undy-pants, no socks and no shirt.

[Hank:] (laughs) Oh, not really what I asked but thank you for letting me know anyway.

[Flula:] Of course. What are you wearing, Hank?

[Hank:] I'm wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Like, I am not wearing socks though. I'm sock-free. 

[Flula:] So hot. So hot. Too hot for podcast.

[Hank:] Too hot for podcast. What kind of underpants are you wearing?

[Flula:] I'm wearing the kind that is having a slit. So if you are needing to use toilet in a fast way, you can just go with that.

[Hank:] (laughs) All right. Good. Great.

[Flula:] Ya.

[Hank:] Do you, by any chance, have a short poem for us today?

[Flula:] I have written one just point-one (0.1) seconds ago. The poem is called "Sandwich."

[Hank:] Ok.

[Flula:] Are you ready?

[Hank:] Yes.

[Flula:] Here we go. "Mmm. Look at you, slices. Mmm. Look at you, peanuts. I squoosh you, and then put you on the bread, and then I eat you. Delicious. The End."

[Hank:] That was great.

[Flula:] "Sandwich."

[Hank:] That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your short poem with us, Flula.

[Flula:] Of course, Hank. It's available immediately on a medium.

[Hank:] (laughs) I feel like that's selling yourself short, Flula. Maybe you should just go straight to, like, printed page and, like, sell a pamphlet with just your poetry.

[Flula:] That's very smart. I'm emailing and tweeting Simon and Schuster right now. 

[Hank:] Both of them?

[Flula:] Both. Both. Always both. You have to go double-or-nothing. You know how they say it?

[Hank:] I do.

[Flula:] Oh god.

 Question One (2:29)

[Hank:] So, yeah. Well, I guess we should probably start answering questions from people.

[Flula:] I love it when this happens on the podcast with me and you, not John. 

[Hank:] Do you have any particular questions that stuck out to you that you want to answer?

[Flula:] I will go in any direction that you are. You know like when the man is driving and the man in the other seat, he's riding Uzi? I am riding Uzi. So you may select.

[Hank:] What I'm hearing, Flula, is that you haven't really read any of the questions.

[Flula:] That is accurate, yes.

[Hank:] All right. Well, this one is from Amanda who asks, "Dear Hank and Flula, why don't people eat the ends of loaves of bread? What is the need for this discrimination?"

[Flula:] Ugh!

[Hank:] I thought that was a good question for you because you obviously are passionate about sandwiches.

[Flula:] I do have Passion Of Sandwich. I have Passion Of Carbohydrates. My answer for Amanda, I would say, is, "I do not discrim- Ah. Well, I do actually, I have something: reverse discriminations. I love the ends of the bread because they are symbolizing a beginning and also an ending and these are the most fun parts of movies, poems, and books, and sandwiches, and Die Hard movies. 

[Hank:] (laughs) But not of life! 

[Flula:] No. 

[Hank:] The beginning of a life is pretty fun, but the end, not so much. 

[Flula:] Not very much. You are a baby once more but with wrinkles.

[Hank:] Yes. Yes. And then you have to not exist anymore.

[Flula:] Sad. That's a sad time.

[Hank:] Do you think a lot about death, Flula?

[Flula:] You know, not enough. I think if I was thinking more about it, I would be doing many more adventure things, you know. I would not be worrying so much about groceries or am I properly hydrated. Things like this.

[Hank:] (laughs) I think it's very important to keep properly hydrated. But, yeah. I think that's interesting to hear. I think that, often, my other partner on this podcast, John Green, he thinks a little bit too much about death.

[Flula:] Oh? What do you mean?

[Hank:] Oh, you know. He's just a worry-wart.

[Flula:] (Noise of affirmation) Oh! I would imagine if you are thinking about death, you would say, "Hey! Perhaps death is happening. Let me stop my warts and just go and have pimples of happiness."

[Hank:] Uh-huh. So I am also surprised to hear that you say you feel like you don't go on enough adventures. 

[Flula:] Yeah, well, I think, you know, it is about blood pressure, and I have measured mine and it is usually in a healthy range. I think this is terrible. I think you should have high blood-pressure all the time because of the adventures that are happening. Not because of too much sodium.

[Hank:] (laughs) Okay.

[Flula:] Do you know what I mean?

[Hank:] Yes, I think I do. But I feel like you lead a very interesting and exciting life. I saw you on Conan recently. 

[Flula:] Oh! That was very nice. That was a fun time. I am not certain how it occurred, but hey, I loved it. He was very friendly and also a tall man of height. 

[Hank:] He was tall? Do you feel like you had high blood-pressure during your Conan O'Brien experience?

[Flula:] I experienced, yes, a slight conniption, or something where synapses are firing in the brain in a strange location. Absolutely. It was very fun.

[Hank:] (laughs) Okay, good! I really enjoyed it. If people who are listening haven't watched that, it is very worth watching.

[Hank:] So, Flula, are you a German citizen?

[Flula:] Yeah, I'm a German citizen ready for the actions. 

[Hank:] Do you also have American citizenship?

[Flula:] I do not. I am very jealous of people. Well, actually, I don't know. Should I have a jealousy of this?

[Hank:] Oh. But, you would be able to vote.

[Flula:] (Noise of affirmation)

[Hank:] But you can't.

[Flula:] I cannot vote but I do wish I could vote for you guys, yeah.

[Hank:] Yes, we would also I'm sure appreciate that.

 Question Two(6:07)

So we have another question from Dennis on that, in that vein, who asks, "Dear Hank and Flula, I'm an American citizen and this year will be my first vote ever in an election. You guys have stressed how important it is to vote and research. I'm excited to vote but I'm unsure how to do proper research. Do I check my congressman's website for their policy ideas? How can I check if the data is unbiased? Can I Snapchat them after watching Always Sunny [in Philadelphia] about immigration reform?

[Flula:] Oh, Dennis. Well, Hank, as you are American Man, you are Yankee doodle dandy, what would you say to this?

[Hank:] Well, it's not like you don't have elections as well in Germany. Do you vote in German elections?

[Flula:] I do, yeah. I mean, well, I can say to Dennis, Dennis. I would not Snapchat Always Sunny for the immigration reform. I think this would not help with the voting. This would help with adding more data-bytes to the internet traffic, but this does not education you. So I would say maybe don't do that one. So that's my first note. What about you, Hank?

[Hank:] (laughs) I think that it would be good. Like, it would be nice if you could Snapchat to a politician and they would snap you back, and they'd be like, "Yeah! No, I totally agree with everything you're saying!" But I think that, you know, if you represent a large number of people, it's hard to answer all the snaps that are coming in. 

[Flula:] True.

[Hank:] So, yeah! I think that you can both look at, sort of the policy ideas of your congress people and it's not that you, like, can or cannot trust those things, I think that, in many cases, what you're looking at there is, uh... you are learning about not just what they want, but sort of what their values are and, like, the direction that they think the country should go in and if you don't agree with those things, then you can look at someone else. Or if you do, some of them but not all of them. That's part of how you get informed, but I think that, also, there's, you know, not just in terms of candidates, there are always things on your ballot that might throw you for a little bit of a loop whether they're, like, local initiatives that are-- We always have somebody who is trying to do a tax levy...

[Flula:] Oh.

[Hank:] they're going to increase the taxes for 10 years by some small amount and they're going to take that money and they're going to make the schools better, but you have to vote for those things and you have to decide whether or not you're one of those people who's like, "Yes! I will pay a little extra money for schools," or "No! I think people should be less smart and educated." 

[Flula:] Oh.

[Hank:] You have to pick.

[Flula:] That. Yeah.

[Hank:] You have to pick which one of those people you want to be! So, I don't know. That's up to you. 

[Flula:] (laughs) Good.

[Hank:] But, I find that, indeed, trusting a politician's policy statements does make sense, it's not going to tell you what kind of person they are, it's not going to necessarily outline, like, "This person is definitely not going to be a jerk!" But, it will tell you if what they want to represent and do in the government aligns with your values.

[Flula:] Dude!

[Hank:] And unfortunately, you cannot run out and, not always... sometimes you can for local elections, you can sometimes even go to talk to those people, like go to events and ask them questions and see if you could get a feel for them, but... you definitely don't have to do that. I think that about an hour's worth of research with a sample ballot will tell you what you want and how to vote. 

[Flula:] Wow. That was very great, Hank. I feel very prepared now to do all the things.

[Hank:] Well, good. I'm sure that Germany needs your vote. I know that there are a great many things of interest and importance happening in Germany right now. 

[Flula:] Yeah, it's a crazy place. We do not have two parties that are doing sassy things, we have many many parties, which is nice, these are not parties with hats and salads, but you know, like, political parties. We also have salad parties as well, but we have many more than you guys at the moment.

[Hank:] (laughs) Yeah.

[Flula:] But you are having some new parties. Libertarians of Newbert! They are making some noises. The Libertarians. And The Greens are doing something still. That's kind of cool. 

[Hank:] Yeah! It's very difficult in the way that our voting works for other parties to take up substantial portion of the vote because they're just not going to actually win, at least not in a national level. So any time you vote for a third party, you are kind of, in effect, taking votes away from the person who has the higher chance of winning, who you maybe don't feel great about but you feel better about than the other person. And thus, the quandary. But, yeah. It's in definitely this year where there are two fairly unpopular candidates at the top of the two main parties. And, yeah. It looks like Gary Johnson is going to do pretty well for a third party candidate, which has happened before in the history of America, but, yeah. Not recently. 

[Flula:] I'm excited.

[Hank:] I am not excited. I dislike this election a lot and I want it to be over.

[Flula:] Yeah, me as well. I mean I'm just a man hanging out, but I am very confused that it is happening like this. This is a very strange situation that we are observing as Europeans. We don't really know how this has happened.

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] It's like a movie that gets a sequel and there are twelve more sequels, and you are like, "But why are these sequels coming" and then "they are still here" and then "this is so confusing." So, who knows. I am excited for it to be done, and, you know, fingers crossed very hard.

[Hank:] (laughs) Do you uh-- You ask a question.

 Question Three (12:00)

[Flula:] Oh, okay! Oh, listen. Oh, these are some nice ones here. Oh, Riley! Here is Riley. "Dear Hank and John. Nope. Dear Hank and Flula. When you were discussing the software update for the Mars rover and its potential sentience, that got me wondering, would it be possible for someone to hack into a rover on another planet? I don't know why anyone would want to do that, but now I am just curious if it is possible. Thank you for entertaining this ridiculous question. I love the podcast. Hank, you are a sassy muffin of studs." 

[Hank:] (laughs) Thank you, Riley. That's very kind. Yes. Yes. It is possible to hack. Like, it's possible to hack anything, but you can send, NASA sends not just messages that tell the rover what to do but it sends firmware upgrades and software upgrades, like it will send an entire new operating system to the rover, have it turn off and reboot with the new operating system, so you can basically do whatever you want if you could figure out how NASA sends the signals both practically, like physically, which is, I'm sure, a very large antenna with a huge amount of energy behind it because it has to send it all the way to Mars, so you would have to build one of those or hack into NASA's.

[Flula:] Oh!

[Hank:] And then you would have to sort of look at the messages that NASA sends and either know how the software works because you work at NASA or sort of reverse engineer what protocols they're using and what programming language they're using. I'm sure it's public knowledge what operating system it's based on and what programming language they use but I don't know. The protocols probably aren't public knowledge. So it would be a lot of work and you would be able to maybe hack into a Mars rover and tell it to do something but, please don't.

[Flula:] Don't do it.

[Hank:] Because they know what they're doing, it's a pretty expensive thing, and that would be mean. I would think that if anybody did hack into the rover, it would be like, a state sponsored terrorism thing. Like, it would have to be North Korea doing it.

[Flula:] Yeah. Or perhaps just not even sponsored terrorists, just sponsored rudeness. 

[Hank:] (laughs) Yeah, it isn't really sponsored terrorists. You're right.

[Flula:] It just could be rude. But I'll tell you, Riley. I've google searched and the Mars rover runs on Windows 98, so just so you know. And so that's very exciting.

[Hank:] Yes. Good. I would have assumed, maybe Ubuntu. 

[Flula:] Oh.

[Hank:] Like Linux. Some kind of Linux.

[Flula:] Ah. Yeah. Red hat. Red hat.

[Hank:] (laughs) All right. We got another question. Do you want to hear it?

[Flula:] So bad. So bad.

 Question Four (14:46)

[Hank:] Here's another question. It's from Elijah, who asks, "Dear Hank and John. What is the function of the holes in Cheez-Its - and most other crackers for that matter- other than to rob me of cheezy substance that is rightfully mine?"

[Flula:] Woof.

[Hank:] So they're like, "Ha HA. Elijah's not going to get this bit of Cheez-Its."

[Flula:] No. I must tell Elijah I know why this is, Hank. May I? 

[Hank:] Do you? Okay.

[Flula:] Yes, yes. Okay, so do you know, like, if you are in a saran wrap bag and pretending you are, let us say, you are a piece of chocolate, and it is just, no air is in the bag, okay?

[Hank:] Okay.

[Flula:] Can you smell this chocolate?

[Hank:] Am I the chocolate?

[Flula:] No, you are a human who is looking at the chocolate.

[Hank:] Okay, so there's a chocolate in the saran wrap bag, no holes.

[Flula:] No holes. And very tight! NO OXYGEN IS INSIDE.

[Hank:] Okay, got it.

[Flula:] Can you smell this chocolate?

[Hank:] No.

[Flula:] Can you enjoy the chocolate in a tasty way?

[Hank:] Not unless I cut open the saran wrap.

[Flula:] Ha HA! To enter the oxygen which helps to make smells and tastes and these are the holes' purposes. The holes in the cracker are letting the oxygen touch the cheese and massage it in science ways, so when you put it in your mouth, then you can taste it more delicious. If there was no holes, there would be no flavor, Elijah. You know? And why, that's the science.

[Hank:] I disagree with you.

[Flula:] Oh. Well, science is malleable. So.

[Hank:] (laughs) I think- I have another suggestion.

[Flula:] Okay.

[Hank:] -that, if you bake a cracker, which is just sort of like a piece of bread, right?

[Flula:] Mm.

[Hank:] If you throw it in there, it's going to, like, puff up. So, like, think about a goldfish. A goldfish is a cracker with no holes in it. It's just cut into a goldfish shape.

[Flula:] No gills as well, yeah

[Hank:] But sort of like puffed up, right.

[Flula:] Mmm.

[Hank:] So sort of like with a Cheez-it or a saltine you see where the dot is, it's sort of flat and it sort of puffs up around that, but if the dot wasn't there then it would just be puffing up all around and it would be like a weird sphere thing instead of like a flat cracker thing. So they put the holes in so the steam can escape while it's baking so it doesn't puff it up into like a puff pastry with a big bunch of air in the middle. That's my thought as to why they put holes in cheeses, but I like oxygen massages. Have you ever had an oxygen massage?

[Flula:] I have one every day, it is why I'm 84% nudity right now. 

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] I'm just feeling the oxygens massaging my epidermis.

[Hank:] Good. It's good. So like any nearby thing that like Flula the way that Flula likes chocolate can smell you.

[Flula:] Oooh. Welcome to me, odors.

[Hank:] Do you ever fear that you will be eaten by a bear?

[Flula:] I only fear this if I'm in a forest and it is very dark and I am covered in chocolate.

[Hank:] And how often does this happen?

[Flula:] Zero times in my life, how about you Hank?

[Hank:] Also zero times in my life, but the way that you said it, it made me think maybe it was like another version of an oxygen massage for you -- chocolate massage.

[Flula:] Oh no, it's a dream, I have a dream. This is like every month or maybe two months I have a chocolate-bear-forest dream.

[Hank:] I thought that it was a dream like- not like what happens at night, but the- like your aspirations for the future.

[Flula:] Ah! Like a goal, like my vision board.

[Hank:] Yeah.

[Flula:] Yeah. It was on my vision board which was a cartoon rendering of my body covered in white chocolate and then a bear in-

[Hank:] Oh! White chocolate.

[Flula:] White chocolate. Of course, white chocolate, which really is not real chocolate-

[Hank:] No...

[Flula:] -which is why the bears don't care.

[Hank:] I mean, because they're rational beings. They understand the way that everyone else does, that white chocolate-

[Flula:] Yeah. 

[Hank:] -is just a dangerous lie.

[Flula:] I agree. Oh, hey! I just remembered the real reason of cheesy cracker holes!

[Hank:] Oh yeah?

[Flula:] Necklaces. Necklis. Neck-lyes? 

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] What is- Plural of necklace is...

[Hank:] I think it's necklaces, yeah.

[Flula:] Necklaces is the reason, so. There we- there you go, Elijah!

[Hank:] (laughs) Are we still on Elijah or have we moved on?

[Flula:] I will NEVER move on from Elijah.

[Hank:] That's right.

[Flula:] Yeah.

[Hank:] That's right.

[Flula:] Yeah.

(laughs) I- Okay. Good. Do you have- I think we should though.

[Flula:] Okay, let's move. Okay. Bye-bye.

[Hank:] But! But. If anybody out there wants to send us pictures of you wearing a Cheez-It necklace, we will look at them, and maybe even put them on our Patreon page. 

[Flula:] Oh, all the Patreons will enjoy this picture. 

[Hank:] I will, I will. And then afterward you can just eat it. You can just walk around all day with your Cheez-It necklace and nibble-

[Flula:] Mmm. Yeah... (elongated)

[Hank:] -and nibble, and always have a snack with you. I think it's a great idea. 

[Flula:] Oh! Portable jewelry snacks.

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] This is a market niche, Hank. It's a market niche. 

[Hank:] All right. Hit us with another question, Flula.

 Question Five (20:44)

[Flula:] Great. Grace writes, "Dear Hank and Flula" hey, yeah, hello, "I was recently staying at a hotel and after a long day of sightseeing, I went down to the hotel pool and also hot tap. I got into the hot tap but then five minutes later a large family with many small children entered the premises. This very much stressed me out. My question is: what is the proper hotel hot tub eti-quetti?

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] ...I really just want to relax in peace and quiet, but when is it acceptable to get up and leave if someone is joining you? I don't want to offend. Please help me. Help me very much. Grace.

[Hank:] (laughs) So I assume that this whole family came in and joined in the hot tub, or were they just around?

[Flula:] I imagine it was like the toes and calves and pelvises of a large family, like many humans in the tub.

[Hank:] Okay. Well, Grace, I think that you- there's two options here... or I guess three. One is just to sit silently, and stay in the hot tub, and not interact with your new friends. Two is to just leave, which is also completely acceptable. Three is to engage your new friends in conversation and be like, "Hey, we are enjoying a hot tub together." I feel like option 1 is very weird, but I think option 2 and 3 are both fine. You can, you know, like, if they enter- they don't know how long you've been in the hot tub! Maybe you've been in the hot tub for an amount of time that is dangerous so you must leave the hot tub whether or not they had arrived. So they're not going to feel offended if you're like, "Oh! I finished my hot tub time!" and you move along. And I imagine they also won't feel offended if you're like, "Hey, where are you guys from? I'm visiting from Alberta and... hot tub... do you often come to hot tubs?" But I do think like that you can't sort of like stake claim on a hot tub at a hotel and be like, "I was here first! So get your calves and pelvises out of this hot tub, family of many people."

[Flula:] You cannot do it. I will tell to you, Hank, my strategy. I stare at the toes of the people walking, and if the toes are looking clean, I shall stay in the pool-

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] -and if the toes are looking funky, I shall make a pretend of a phone call, that I have just received-

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] -in my head, or also- or in the sky, and I will pretend someone is calling me and I will just run and scream.

[Hank:] What has happened on the phone that makes you run and scream?

[Flula:] I'll say, "Oh! Is it true?! OH NO!" And then I leave. And then I apologize to those guys, "So sorry. So sorry, large family, B-R-B." But then I'm never R-B.

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] Do you know what I mean?

[Hank:] I know exactly what you mean.

[Flula:] Sweet!

[Hank:] I think that's a great plan.

[Flula:] (euphoric ah)

[Hank:] I don't think that it's necessary, but I do think that the checking out of the toes is a really good... plot. 

[Flula:] I agree.

[Hank:] So thank you for that one. 

[Flula:] Of course.

[Hank:] Also, maybe if you just stare at their feet for long enough, they'll get the point, and they'll leave themselves. Like, they'll be like, "Why is this person such a foot starer? This is making me very uncomfortable!" 

[Flula:] Yeah. I agree.

[Hank:] So they invaded your hot tub and made you uncomfortable, so you got to get them back and be like, "Mmm foot. Yeah. Mmm feet. Toes. Toenails."

[Flula:] Yeah. I think if you also mumble those words - mmm, yeah, feet, hmm, toes, hmm, toenails - those also work if you repeat it. 

[Hank:] (laughs) Okay. (wheezes) That definitely definite works. That definitely works.

[Flula:] Perfect! Yes.

[Hank:] We got another question. We're flying through 'em, Flula-

[Flula:] Whoo!

[Hank:] We are good at this. 

[Flula:] Oh I LOVE IT.

 Question Six (23:23)

[Hank:] We got another question from Maggie who asks, "Dear Hank and Flula. HELP! I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy in a few weeks and I am incredibly nervous about it. I have never gone through a medical procedure of this magnitude and I'm not looking forward to having my body both drugged and medically invaded. This isn't even to mention the preparation that goes the day before. Do you have any dubious advice on how I can be less freaked out about the whole situation?"

[Flula:] Oh boy, Maggie. This sounds very exciting. I would say to Maggie, if she is having a favorite song and a favorite snack, and also a favorite pair of socks, to wear the socks, eat the snack, listen to the song, and repeat like the shampoos.

[Hank:] Well I-- I do have one problem with this because-- you've never had a colonoscopy obviously but you can't eat anything the day before. Though you can have like lime jello or something, so if lime jello happens to be one of your favorite snacks...

[Flula:] It is!

[Hank:] Then go ahead. Yeah?

[Flula:] Thanks Hank! Maggie I hope you love lime jello. Just shove it into your mouth, just eat many liters.

[Hank:] (giggles) Uhm... I have had several colonoscopies--

[Flula:] What? But you only have one colon.

[Hank:] Yes but different times, not at the same time.

[Flula:] Ah, OK, got it. OK.

[Hank:] Uh, and I will say that it's not so bad. You're right, the prep the day before is the worst part. Make sure that you refrigerate that stuff before you drink it because drinking it warm is the end of days. But one of my favorite things in the whole world, my favorite sensations in the whole world is the drug that they give you right before you get a colonoscopy. I would definitely be addicted to that drug if I could be. And it makes you feel very good in the three seconds before you are unconscious. But it's almost worth the entire experience for me, and I know that I am basically talking up illegal drugs right now but it's almost worth the entire experience for those three seconds of what must be what people feel when they are the happiest they've ever been. So don't try and get that stuff in a non-medical situation because it would definitely be something that would not uhhhhh-- and then there's the whole afterwards which is very fun. It's a very normal procedure that lots of people have done to them and it's-- My first colonoscopy I was freaked out and I didn't like it... and then now it's just sort of just a thing that happens. And I don't mind at all. It's kind of like a couple of days out of my schedule that I can't like do stuff but-- so totally worth it for telling your doctor what your doctor needs to know about your body.

[Flula:] So what you are saying Hank is to enjoy these drugs, you should treat your body in a way that requires a colonoscopy?

[Hank:] (laughs) Yeah

[Flula:] That's legal. That's legal, isn't it, I need this colonoscopy now give me these delicious drugs. That's what you're saying?

[Hank:] Uhm... yeah, no. Don't do that.

[Flula:] OK. Don't. OK.

[Hank:] I said almost, not entirely worth it.

[Flula:] Got it, so close to worth it but nooot quite to it.

[Hank:] Right. Got it. Good. Thanks.

[Flula:] Great. This is exciting yeah, thank you I'm so excited for my first colon scoping.

[Hank:] Aaand... yeah, they put a camera up your butt. have you ever had?

[Flula:] (shocked) Oh. Why do they-- What? Why do they do this? 

[Hank:] So they can look around inside of your colon and see if there's anything wrong.

[Flula:] What does this have to do with a colonoscopy?

[Hank:] That's what it is.

[Flula:] (deadpan) They-- what, they put a camera in your anus?

[Hank:] Yeah, it's like on a snake, like a camera tube they put up there.

[Flula:] They put a snake up your anus... with a camera.

[Hank:] Yes, basically. It's like a little snake, like pretty thin. It can bend itself and move around and even has a little tool on it to remove things if they need to take a biopsy or remove a polyp. It's got a little laser beam on it to cauterize where they've removed a thing.

[Flula:] (distressed) S-- OK, yeah.

[Hank:] It's a laser camera snake!

[Flula:] Perfect! I am, Maggie, very excited for you. Enjoy the drugs. I would say this will be a very fun time, just everything that Hank said for the last 60 seconds don't listen to that.

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] Is my advice to you Maggie.

[Hank:] OK. 

[Flula:] It will be great. I'm now sealing my anus as we speak so this will never happen to me. So I am safe.

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] Good luck!

[Hank:] I think if you seal your anus up you're gonna need a colonoscopy pretty quick.

[Flula:] Ooooh, OK this is very--

[Hank:] Keep it open there.

[Flula:] I'm widening my hole now.

 Question Seven (28:35)

[Hank:] (cackles) Alright here's another question, it's from Zach who asks, "Dear Hank and John, I'm considering using 23 and me to get my personal genetic information. I'm very curious about my ancestry however I'm worried that my genetic code will reveal I have a gene associated with a disease. I don't want the results to depress me but at the same time I realize that my fear of a negative result is irrational since learning about it won't change it, in fact learning about a genetic risk might help me take steps to avoid it. Have you ever considered getting a personal genetic information test and do you have any dubious advice for me?" That's from Zach. Have you ever thought about having your genome... genomed?

[Flula:] I think that my genome-- I have not, but I imagine I would maybe like to know but I don't care so much. I think if like I was feeling funky junky like "why do I feel so funky junky? Maybe it's in my genome." Then I would do it. But I'm feeling pretty good so I don't care. But if you just said "Hey Flula guess what!? Here's your genome infos." I would be kind of excited.

[Hank:] Mhmm, mhmmm.

[Flula:] What about you?

[Hank:] Yeah cuz it'll tell you about your an-- like that's mostly what 23 and me is about is like telling you sort of where you're from and a lot of times if you're in America it's like "you are some part German."

[Flula:] Hey!

[Hank:] But it'd be weird if you were German and they were like "you are not all German"

[Flula:] Oh that would be strange.

[Hank:] Which I'm sure you aren't.

[Flula:] Well no one is, right? It's like a hot dog, how much of a hot dog is beef?? I think it's like 3% is beef and the 97% happiness or something.

[Hank:] (chuckles)

[Flula:] I'm not sure.

[Hank:] Do you know anything about your ancestry?

[Flula:] I know it is German with lots of Germans and a sprinkling of German but I imagine also there must be some tiny doses of French or Viking or you know who knows, something interesting, antarctic... antarcticans... something like that. What about you Hank, who are you?

[Hank:] I don't know! That's one reason why I would be interested because like my family branches off so quickly and you completely lose track. Yeah, I mean all of the people-- all of my grandparents, their grandparents.. I don't know about their grandparents, but all of my grandparents' parents were Americans so I don't have any like recent immigrants in my family. But I'm from, a lot of me is from the south of America which means-- not South America but the South of the US where there's a lot of like Irish... other. I'm very European is my guess. But I would love to know more.

[Flula:] I've seen your face and your legs and torso, I I would imagine you're European.

[Hank:] When did you see my torso?

[Flula:] In a dream. There's a dream, I was in a forest and then the bear is there and you are holding a large bucket of white chocolate.

[Hank:] (chuckles) Oh OK. This dream is going directions I-- You didn't mention that the first time.

[Flula:] It's a detail I didn't want to share with you. But because we are speaking about 23 and me I was thinking 23 and why not I will tell Hank.

[Hank:] Uhhh... well thank you. I-- I-- I'm...

[Flula:] You're welcome.

[Hank:] I think honesty is the best policy.

[Flula:] Really though? For sure?

[Hank:] Mmmmm. I mean maybe not when it's about a weird bear dream and I'm-- you know, my torso is out and I've got a bucket of white chocolate but like usually yeah.

[Flula:] I'm regretting this honesty

[Hank:] Well you know I'm not gonna let it get weird between us.

[Flula:] Thanks Hank.

[Hank:] Yeah.

[Flula:] Hey, shall I read a question?

[Hank:] Sure.

[Flula:] OK. Hey-- uh, oh.

[Hank:] Oh we didn't even answer Zach's question. I'll add to Zach: 1. 23 and me isn't going to tell you about genetic diseases unless they are very significant and those are things that you should know about for sure because you can indeed be proactive about diseases that you are either genetically predisposed to or are definitely going to get so yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. So yes.

[Flula:] Nice.

[Hank:] Don't worry. Think about how great it will be to know that you don't have those diseases, which is the most likely outcome.

[Flula:] Yes, nice work Hank, playing the odds. That's good.

 Question Eight (33:05)

Shall I read a question? I'm so excited.

[Hank:] Yes please do!

[Flula:] "Dear Hank and Flula, I am cheap and don't enjoy sugar beverages" this is Ben who is typing, "so when I go eat at a food establishment I rarely order a soft drink or a hard drink."

[Hank:] Good work Ben!

[Flula:] Yeah, good work Ben! "When I go to a fast food restaurant I ask for water and when possible I fill the small cup they give me with (gasp) carbonated water from the drinking fountain using little tabby thing" What what what. Oh Tsk tsk Benjamin. "Am I stealing or is it acceptable to drink the sparkle water, since no one in their right mind would pay for soda and get sparkling soda water, at least not in America. What do you think guys? Love always Ben shoutout." 

[Hank:] So I do this too and I think that it is the subject of much contention. I pay for soda water which I dislike doing and it almost seems like I'm doing something stupid. Not wrong, but dumb, because clearly the soda-- like soda water costs a little bit more than water because they have to carbonate it, so they have to replace the carbonation cylinders. But I can't imagine that it costs more than like five cents. So like paying for a soda and then getting soda water is not a good deal for me. However, when I buy soda water at the store like if I get a LaCroix, then I'm getting roughly similar amounts as if I were buying a 12 pack of cokes. So it is-- I think that it is probably a subject of much debate and I would be interested to hear if like fast food employees are trained in a specific circumstance. Like no, they are not allowed to get soda water if they just order water. And I don't know. There are some places where you're getting like Seagram's Club Soda and for some reason that seems better, like it's better to pay for that even though it's just bubbly water.. I'm pretty sure there not putting anything in that, it's just the stuff.

[Flula:] It's just the stuff.

[Hank:] But it's got a brand on it so it feels like it's more OK to pay for it. Not just like a tabby thing which feels like the water. And also I've gotta say that the water costs the money too, not just the water but like if you're getting ice in the water then ice costs in electricity and cooling the water down costs money. So I don't know, like it is a weird grey area in the world of soft drinks.

[Flula:] I like your points of ice. It costs money to make the ice but they do not charge you for ice when you ask for ice water. Here's my simple answer to Ben: if it is the little tabby that's free, if it is the big tabby then you must pay the dollars but if it's a tiny tabby then who cares? That is the message I think they are sending to the humans purchasing liquids

[Hank:] Mhmm mhmm mhmm. I want to know what the official McDonald's policy is on this.

[Flula:] Uuuuuh. Yeah. Me as well. What does Ray Kroc think, I would like to know.

[Hank:] Who is Ray Kroc?

[Flula:] The founder of McDonald's?

[Hank:] (chuckles) you know the name of the founder of McDonald's?

[Flula:] Yeah. you don't know this?

[Hank:] I did not know that. Where did you-- Is that something that's taught in German schools?

[Flula:] No I just read things and so like you when you walk into sometimes a McDonald's and it's like, you know, a plaque, it's like "shoutout: man who made special sauce and also invented our restaurant Ray Kroc."

[Hank:] Yeah, look at that. I'm looking at a picture of him right now.

[Flula:] Yeah, he's a man and he mad McDonald's... Sorry to--

[Hank:] Yeah. He also founded Hamburger University.

[Flula:] Oh boy!

[Hank:] Which I want to know about, is that in Hamburg?

[Flula:] I don't know. Let me check. Typey typey... No.

[Hank:] No it is not. It is in Elk Grove Village, Illinois.

[Flula:] Very different. That's very exciting. Nice work Ray Kroc with your hamburger U.

[Hank:] Yes indeed. You can learn all about how to work at McDonald's there. Uhh... yeah, I had never considered how like, I feel like important this question is. It's just that people don't talk about it and I think that club soda or soda water is the direction we should all be going in because I like it and it's fun and it's not just water but it doesn't have all the weirdness in it. So yeah.

[Flula:] You know it! But if you remember Shakespeare, Bubbles bubbles toil and troubles.

[Hank:] It's true. True. Don't want to get kicked out of McDonald's.

[Flula:] It's troubles cuz of the bubbles. Shakespeare, he knew it, he saw it.

[Hank:] Now I feel bad for going to McDonald's and paying for my soda water.

[Flula:] Don't, no, you're helping. You're helping Hank.

[Hank:] I'm helping who, McDonald's?

[Flula:] Your levels of guilt. If you had these all the times-- if you had not paid you would have tiny guilty feelings inside your brain, and now you don't have those, you just feel like a silly goose and that's OK.

[Hank:] (chuckles)

[Flula:] Right?

[Hank:] Yeah, no, yep. I mean there's-- it's-- I don't know which of those feelings is worse.

[Flula:] Oh no.

[Hank:] Stealing from McDonald's is never gonna make me feel that bad.

[Flula:] True. Yeah, I agree. Ray Crock (? ~ 38:35) doesn't care.

[Hank:] No, definitely not. Definitely not.

[Flula:] That's what I said.

 Question Nine (38:43)

[Hank:] I've got a question for you, Flula!

[Flula:] Whoo!

[Hank:] We're gonna do-- We'll probably just do one more question. It's from Rachel who asks "Dear Hank and John, I just found out my cousin who lives fairly far away in a different country just named her baby the same name me and my husband had picked out for our baby due in January! Can I still Use the name?"

[Flula:] Yes. Add a silent H some place after a vowel.

[Hank:] (chuckles) Yeah. Every name has an alternate spelling now. Don't worry. Yes. You can spell it every was and as long as you put down like "Oh it's pronounced like Jenny, but it's spelled D-H-N-N-O-I.

[Flula:] Yeah, Jenny.

[Hank:] But it's pronounced Jenny.

[Flula:] Jenny yeah. You just spelled Jenny right?

[Hank:] Yes, I did. 

[Flula:] Yeah yeah. I can see it.

[Hank:] So yeah. I want to know what the name is. If it's weird enough I feel like maybe not but you know this is a cousin, and this is a far away country, this is fine. Oh! Oh no wait! Wait, wait! I have discovered and intricacy to this question that I did not say out loud. "My cousin who lives fairly far away in a different country just named her newborn girl the same name me and my husband had picked out for our baby boy due in January." I also think that that's still fine. Just to be clear. But I had not accurately portrayed the situation.

[Flula:] I am so excited to hear this name. What is the name that they would like for a lady but also for a boy? I am excited.

[Hank:] Oh but there's lots of those.

[Flula:] No I know, that's why I am curious. I would like it to be one that is not good for both.

[Hank:] Flula did you know...

[Flula:] Ya

[Hank:] This is a weird bit a weird bit of trivia, Jesse's girl

[Flula:] Yeah, that she wishes that girl and how can I find a woman like that?

[Hank:] No he wishes that he had that girl.

[Flula:] Oh yeah, Jesse is sad cuz his girl... yeah I know it cuz he's sick but where's Jesse and where did you go Jesse? Yeah.

[Hank:] Right. Jesse's girl was named Jesse.

[Flula:] So it's Jesse and Jesse?

[Hank:] Yeah. Cuz Jesse's both a boy and a girl name and it's a little known fact that Jesse was dating a girl named Jesse and that's-- Rick Ocasek really wanted Jesse but not the Jesse who was the one with the girl, but the girl named Jesse.

[Flula:] He should very much change the title of the song or something. You know, like this is confusing.

[Hank:] Right, I think that's why he just left it out cuz yeah like, he's writing the song like, I don't want to talk about Jesse, AND Jesse, so I'll just leave out Jesse, who is Jesse's Girl.

[Flula:] Right. (sings) I wish that I had Jesse's Girl, who is also named Jesse, Jesse's Girl, her name is also Jesse

[Hank:] (laughs) That's how it originally went, that was the original version of that song and the rest of the Cars were like "No Rick this is ludicrous."

[Flula:] Yeah, stop it. Stop this immediately, Rick. OK. I like this. Thank you Hank I feel like I have learned a thing now.

 Commercial Break (41:47)

[Hank:] Alright, well this podcast-- We're gonna do a thing now, Flula, where we talk about who brought this podcast to the people.

[Flula:] Oh!

[Hank:] This podcast was brought to you by Jesse's Girl: Jesse! Jesse, who is Jesse's girl really actually likes Jesse so Rick should probably mind his own business.

[Flula:] I agree. Step away Rick from all the Jesses.

[Hank:] Yes. Does Jesse... it's confusing.

[Flula:] Yeah. Just stay away.

[Hank:] I was gonna go deeper but then I don't know what to say because it's too many Jesses.

[Flula:] So many Jesses. It's a chorus of Jesses.

[Hank:] OK who do you-- Who else brought the podcast to us?

[Flula:] Oh! This was also brought to us by crunchy peanut butter: something to put in your mouth and then chew up and down and then swallow and enjoy as it goes down to your colon and helps the snake with the laser.

[Hank:] (laughs) This podcast is also brought to you by a giant bucket of melted white chocolate with a ladle in it.

[Flula:] Oooooh. Oh, that's very delicious. I like that.

[Hank:] In the forest. With a bear.

[Flula:] (gasps) That's a very exciting thing! And also, this podcast, it's brought to you by the hopes and dreams of a tiny chipmunk.

[Hank:] (giggles) What... does The Hopes and Dreams of a Tiny Chipmunk have a tagline that they've asked us to include in the podcast?

[Flula:] Oh yeah, the tagline of the chipmunk was Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls and also don't carbonate your water.

[Hank:] Alright. That's good to know what tiny chipmunks are really thinking about. So let's go ahead and do the Mars from News... the Mars from News... the News from Mars and AFC Wimbledon

[Flula:] Oh please Mars from News

 News from Mars (43:50)

[Hank:] Do you want to know some Mars News?

[Flula:] Please share me all the Martian times.

[Hank:] Well the Curiosity Rover just celebrated its fourth birthday on the surface of Mars. The team is now able to do in a week what they used to do in a month because they have just got super good at running the system and refined a lot of the protocols. And Curiosity four years later continues to do amazing things on Mars and ALL of its equipment is still functioning which is fantastic, nothing has totally broken yet. Some of the wheels are a little bit worse for wear but they've done a bunch of tests on a... sort of sister rover here on Earth to make sure that they've used the wheels in ways that will keep them alive to the end of Curiosity's mission. And also, every year on its birthday, the day at which it has been on Mars for another year, Curiosity will sing to itself the Happy Birthday song. And I think that's just adorable that it sings the little happy birthday out loud on the surface of Mars to itself with no one around.

[Flula:] That is not sad in any way.

[Hank:] (laughs)

[Flula:] That is very great and positive. I'm not depressed to hear about this.

[Hank:] DJ actually asked us a question, if this happens in Earth years or Mars years and it does indeed happen in Mars years. But DJ doesn't think that makes any sense, because he says "it seems very odd to celebrate one's birthday on someone else's terms." Because the Mars Curiosity rover is more Martian than Earth because it's lived on Mars longer than it lived on Earth. So yeah, it's a Mars native, maybe it should be going by Mars years now.

[Flula:] But it was born, you cannot forget your hometown. It was born on Earth. It was not like they-- two robots did not intercourse in space and then poop out the Curiosity

[Hank:] (laughs) Too bad.

[Flula:] Seriously.

[Hank:] But like at what point do you become a native of a new land? Do you become a citizen of that place? I think that's an interesting and complicated question from DJ and we're probably not gonna tackle it here on this podcast. Do you have any news from AFC Wimbledon for us?

 News from AFC Wimbledon (46:10)

[Flula:] It is so funny that you have asked about AFC Wimbledon, a third tier English soccer team, but yes I know all about the news of these guys, are you read?

[Hank:] Yeah!

[Flula:] Oh boy! Such great news! AFC Wimbledon has officially played their first game in league one and it did not go super well, but it did go very dramatically which is nice, because Lyle Taylor and Chris Whelpdale, they both scored and at one point the Dons were winning two to one but OH BOY so sad, Peterborough tied the game and then in the 93rd minute brought it to three to two and Wimbledon, they just lost the game! They lost it! They lost it Hank! It was an even game though, because it showed potential promise for the club's future in their new league. I am so proud of all the A's, F's and C's Wimbledon! Nice work!

[Hank:] (laughing) Good job!

[Flula:] Thank you!

[Hank:] You are so well informed on AFC Wimbledon, Flula!

[Flula:] I am an encyclopedia Wimbletanica.

[Hank:] (laughing) This is lovely. Thank you so much. And, what a spectacular thing, I guess. Uh... that's too bad, in the 93rd minute, that's like after the game should have ended.

[Flula:] Ugh. Ugh, right? It's if someone was inured and they're making spray paint on the angle and then BOOM. Ugh. It's very sad.

[Hank:] I am sorry AFC Wimbledon, but good first try. So AFC Wimbledon is now down at the bottom of the league one table but there's only been one game played so it's not a big deal.

[Flula:] No.

[Hank:] Uh... Great! Well this was lovely Flula, what did we learn today on the podcast?

 Outro (47:53)

[Flula:] I learned so many things! I learned what occurs when the snake goes up with the camera up your hole and that's exciting. I learned about bubbles and waters and also the software operating system of satellites in space. What did you learn today?

[Hank:] Uhh... I learned, let's see I learned that the holes in Cheez-Its are for making necklaces with. Or neckli, necklaci...

[Flula:] Necklaci.

[Hank:] Uhh... and that you have a weird feeling about chocolate and white chocolate and bears in the forest.

[Flula:] Yeah. Ya.

[Hank:] And I learned that if there is a person coming up to your hot tub, that the most important thing that you need to do is look at their toes.

[Flula:] Oh immediately, look at those toes.

[Hank:] Check out those toes, you guys. Cuz not only do you have the benefit of potentially seeing a thing that you don't want to be in the same pool of boiling water with, but also maybe if you look hard enough maybe they will feel like they should not be hanging out in the hot tub.

[Flula:] Haha! Secrets strategy, write this one down.

[Hank:] Toenails.

[Flula:] Hoo. Wow Hank I feel so much more intelligent.

[Hank:] Yes, I think that we made the whole world more intelligent, Flula.

[Flula:] Great work Earth, thanks for listening.

[Hank:] And thanks to all of you who are listening for listening. This podcast is edited by Nickolas Jenkins, our intern is Claudia Morales, Rosianna Halse Rojas helps with the questions, our theme music is from Gunnarolla. If you want to send us questions for Hank and John to answer you can send them to, and as they say in our hometown-- Flula do you know what they say in our hometown?

[Flula:] They say ZOOOO TIME IS HERE.

[Hank:] No.

[Flula:] Oh. OK.

[Hank:] Sometimes. It's "don't forget to be awesome" is what they say.

[Flula:] Don't-- DF-table-bables!