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Duration:13:44
Uploaded:2014-05-07
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In which John takes Seventeen Magazine's quiz "Who's Your One Direction Love Match?" The Wimbly Womblys take on Tranmere Rovers.

The quiz: http://www.seventeen.com/fun/quizzes/celebrity/one-direction-quiz-which-one-is-for-you

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  Introduction


Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys - the greatest football club in the world, owned by the greatest people in the world - you, its supporters.

The rare- rarest of rare things in the football league, a club owned not by a billionaire, but by people. People like you. Uh, AFC Wimbledon- Nerdfighteria sponsored AFC Wimbledon in real life. Congratulations to them, staying in the football league - they're going to be in FIFA 15 so- so proud and so excited for the real life AFC Wimbledon, and I know Nerdfighteria's excited to continue our sponsorship of them...

But! The fictional AFC Wimbledon, the men and woman who you are looking at today, made of pixels but also, like all meaning, made from us. Made real by virtue of our belief in them.

The Wimbly Womblys, top of the league! Tied on points with Sheffield United but we have a far better goal differential due to the relentless scoring of our two forwards, married to each other, teammates in life and in love, John Green and John Green neé Bennet.

Out on the wing today, we've got (sings) ya ya ya ya ya Bamba (talks), uhh, we've got Kaz, the Gaulden child and K Sainte Luce, the patron saint of lost crosses, also in the midfield, and our goalkeeper- actually, I don't know who's starting in goal today Is it Glédson or is it Seb Brown? I don't know - time will tell!

I'm going to find out what member of One Direction I should pursue. Is that a weird thing to say? I'm gonna take a quiz today where I find out what member of One Direction would be best suited for me. Is this as a friend or as a life partner kind of thing? Great pass there from the patron saint of lost crosses, that's a really good job - off to a roaring start here for the Wimbly Womblys!

 Question one


(1:45) Um... Uh, Meredith, go ahead and ask me the first question... What type of guy do I usually go for? I mean I like uhhh, dark eyes, um... If that- I don't know- I don't know if that- that's relevant. Oh! you know what is rele- ohhh, come on!

Bald John Green? No. Man, Other John Green with a golden opportunity there, but it goes wanting, like so much effort in this world.

Uhhh what type of guys do I usually go for? Funny! Really like, good sense of humor, um and then, you know reasonably well put together in terms of uh, you know I guess I like a v-shaped torso.

Uh, class clown? Um, probably not. But I don't know- I'm just answering the questions Meredith, and then you have to decide which of the Seventeen Magazine answers is closest to what I said. You're the- you're the scientist here. I'm just telling you- I'm just telling you- I'm just speaking from the heart.

 Question two


(2:43) Uh, what's my second question? Urgh, God! Terrible tackle. I woke up late... I woke up late, how do I make a thrown together outfit look perfectly polished? Ummm... Boy! That is- can I- can we actually make that one a multiple choice, because that's so far from the reality of my experience. I mean, I have a nine-month-old child. I haven't woken up late in what feels like actually and literally forever. This doesn't seem to have been designed for parents!

Um... What is... Can I have some- can you tell me some of- oh, God! -some of the options? Are we gonna lose to Tranmere Rovers?! Is Tranmere a place? Doesn't that just mean "between the mirrors"?

What? Uh, a little black dress? A cardigan and a little black dress? Oh, a cardigan or a little black dress. Or a white button-down shirt. I mean, I'm much more likely to wear a white button-down shirt than any of those other things, although I like a good cardigan! Um...

I just- usually, when I wear- you know that cardigan look that- that my wife and presumably other people like, where you wear the uh- the button-down shirt, and then you have the cardigan over it? You know what I'm talking about, Meredith? I just feel like- every time I wear that, I feel like my sixteen-year-old self somewhere, is just judging me - he's not proud of what the man I've become. You know? He's just kind of horrified, like, "I can't believe that guy's wearing a cardigan under his long-sleeved button-down shirt. Like, he looks like the kind of person I feared he would become!"

 Question three


(4:16) Alright, what's next? Did that answer your question or not? Preppy academic? That's probably closest to- closest to where I am. You're right, good point.

What do I do with my free time during the summer? Um... Yeah. I like to read! Is that an option? (laughing) Study for the SATs? Uh... I mean, it's been a while since I spent my free time studying for the SATs, but I- I have to say, I think there are less-enjoyable things in the world! The problem with- the problem with studying for the SATs- what?

Who's gonna get a yellow card? What? Oh, you were naughty, Mr Power! You were very bad, like seven minutes ago- oh yeah, a terrible tackle on the Gaulden child. He's only fourteen years old! I can't believe that he did that to him! Tiny little boy. Probably shouldn't even be playing professional soccer.

What a pass! Ohhh, he was offside. Ohhh. God, what a gorgeous pass. Thought the offside rule was a bit- bit unnecessary.

What- what is my question again? Oh, you already picked studying for the SATs. It's over. Um, was there anything fun, like going out dancing with my friends or something? I wouldn't- starring in the musical, Grease? Well... Based on what we know from my goal celebration songs, probably not gonna star in a musical version of Grease. Um... (laughs) Probably not gonna happen!

Anything else that seemed plausible to you? That was the closest? Really?! Come on! What is further away from starring in the musical version of Grease?! Give me another example that's further away from that, please! Oh, you already made- you already pushed forward. Okay. Keep going- let's- no, no! You're right, there's only the future, there's not the past. We must move on, Meredith. We must continue.

 Question four


(6:07) Which celeb gets my heart beating faster? I'm gonna need some options. Tom Felton? I don't know who that is - is that Draco Malfoy? Yeah, a little bit. I'm into it! Robert Pattinson, the um... The- the- Edward Cullen? N- very- nice V-shape, yes! Josh Hutcherson, the young fella from the Hunger Games films? Yep. Tyler Blackburn, who is in... Pretty Little Liars, a program I'm not intimately familiar with.

Nil-nil draw at half-time against Tranmere Rovers. Sorry, I'm talking about- talking about cute- cute boys, but hold on, who else? Justin Bieber. Um... As you know, I'm very sympathetic to the Biebs. I feel that um... He has been a little bit hard-done in the glee that people have felt in the wishing for him to be deported and whatnot, and I think there's a little bit of a failure to imagine him as a complex human being.

That said, for me... That's the one that I can immediately dismiss, along with the- the guy who's in Pretty Little Liars, because I don't- I don't know what he looks like. I mean... I met Josh Hutcherson briefly at the MTV mov- well, I guess I didn't meet him. I was twelve feet away from him - he was on stage, and I thought- he looked at me. We had a moment. I'm gonna go him!

I'm gonna go Hutcherson. Yeah. He's a good-looking guy! Where would you go with that, Meredith? Draco Malfoy? You'd go Josh? Yeah, okay. Good, alright. I just wanna make sure we're on the same page here, if we're gonna work together, this stuff is important!

The Gaulden child! The Gaulden child! THE GAULDEN CHILD! Ohhhh! And he's hugged by his mentor and dear friend, Bald John Green, who's nine feet taller than he is! Look at that beautiful goal from the Gaulden child! (sings) He scores with his left, he scores with his right, our Gaulden child makes some Moore look shite! (talks) Sorry, some Moore is just- we can't forget- we're Wimbly Womblys. We don't forget. Um, we do forgive. We do forgive.

 Question five


(8:05) What was my next question? It's movie night, what do I pick? Like, a romantic comedy? Is that one of the options? I would definitely pick a romantic comedy if it's movie night.

Oh! Oh, my God! Ohhhh! Is he a wizard?! Bald John Green kisses the turf of the Wimbly Wombly stadium because he loves his club and indeed, the field on which they play, so much! But look at that ridiculous header!

(sings) Bald John Green, John Green (talks) when Tranmere Rovers fall apart, they really fall apart! (sings) He gives it all for the team, upon his moustache we're keen, Bald John Green, John Green!

 Question six


(8:49) (talks) What's my next question? What words do I live by? "The only way out is through". Is that one of the options? That's a little like YOLO, it's the opposite. Um... Well, it is a little bit like YOLO - I guess... YOLO - live in the moment.

"Be true to yourself." Urgh. Which self would you otherwise be true-ing to? Um... (laughs) No. What are my other options? "If you can dream it, you can do it"? If you can dream it, you can do it? Really? Really? Really?! That just doesn't seem terribly well thought out. Um... Um... (laughs) I mean, I've literally, literally had dreams uh, in which (laughs) I was a banana! I mean, I- what do you mean if you dream- that's clearly not factual! (laughs) If you can dream it, you can do it. I mean! ...

Anyway. Um... Almost everyone has flying dreams - what were the other ones? Be true to yourself? I'm slowly moving back toward "be true to yourself"! YOLO? (sighs) But to me, YOLO means you only live once so please protect this magical gift of consciousness, not like "oh whatever, I think I'll get a tattoo - YOLO!" you know what I mean?

Live in the moment. Live in the moment?! Yes! I- I went right over that one! That's fairly solid- good, yeah! Live in the moment. This is- all we have is now, Meredith. The future is crumbling before us. This is the only- this is the only moment, and I got- I've got to say, I appreciate you spending it with the Wimbly Womblys.

 Question seven


(10:29) Um... (laughs) What's next? What am I gonna be doing ten years from now? I'm gonna be... old. Super old. Is that one of the options? I'm gonna be in my late forties.

Oh! Oh! Ohhh. Devastating. What a pass! Bald John Green, you've gotta see that! He doesn't have great vision!

Uh, what's my next question? Or did I not answer that one? Per- okay. Meredith's got it. Sorry, we're in the eighty-second minute. We gotta- I've gotta find out which member of One Direction is gonna be my life partner!

 Question eight


(11:03) High school superlative? Uhhh... I don't think I have one! But what are my options? Best... Best dressed, no. Friendliest - no. Most likely to succeed? No. Funniest? I mean, of th- of those, funniest. But... Most likely to be famous? No, that was Daniel Alarcón. Um... Daniel Alarcón was most of those things actually.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ohhh, my God! What are you thinking?! Pass to your beautiful husband! See the ball- look. Look at this opportunity. Look at your husband, look at your husband cutting to the inside! Ohhh. God!

 Question nine


(11:42) What? My best quality? Is uh... What- what are my options? Super close to my family? I am! Well- I'm very loyal to my best friends. I work- I don't work that hard. Um... I'm gonna say super loyal. That's- well, that's what- I think Chris would say that I'm super loyal. I think my mom would be like "he's not close enough!"

 Question ten


(12:07) Karaoke song? That's easy, I only have one. It's Five Hundred Miles, because I've sung it a lot on stage, and I can't sing anything... But I at least know how not to sing Five Hundred Miles.

It's kind of like Firework by Katy Perry. They're very similar songs. Um... They both start with "f" sounds, so that's the main reason.

I just made three substitutions, like the pros do! Yeah, Firework. (sings) 'Cause baby you're a fire- (talks) yeah, I'm already in- I'm already into it. I can basically... I AM Katy Perry, essentially. People are like "did Katy Perry come to karaoke night?!"

 The end of the quiz


(12:41) Who did I get? Louis?! Or possible Louie? Which one is that?! Tell me more about him! He's wearing a striped shirt- but Meredith, don't you know these b- don't you know these guys? He has a girlfriend? Well- which- I didn't get Harry Styles?! Or the one I said I liked, Nile?! Or uh... What- Zane?

What's his name? Liam? Louie? Louis. Does he have a last name? No, he doesn't. That's sad.

 The end of the game


(13:15) Well, you know what's not sad? The Wimbly Womblys' heroic victory over Tranmere Rovers. Their keeper gets a pat on the butt but of course, because this is FIFA, the pat doesn't actually extend to the butt, because there can be no physical contact between actual humans.

Oh, it's a great day! It's a great day for the Wimbly Womblys. I get to date Louis or possibly Louie um, and we emerge as victors in our mission to beat the Tranmere Rovers and moo ahead through league one, on our way to greatness. Thank you for watching! Best wishes.