Good morning Hank; it’s Monday. On Thursday I’m going to be reading and signing in Plainfield, Indiana, and then on Friday I’m moving to the Netherlands for two months. I keep meaning to mention to you that I’m moving to the Netherlands for two months, but there is so much going on! In a related story, the sound that my anxiety makes is AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

And Hank, when I get stressed out I like to play “Google auto-fill once again proves that people are weird”. Hank, today I’m going to answer the questions people ask Google the most beginning “Is my b...?”

“Is my boyfriend gay?” Huh. I wonder if “is my hus” starts similarly. Yes. What about “is my wife” -- Nope, the first two questions we have about our wives: are they cheating, and what is their tax status? And people say men aren’t romantic, Hank. Similarly, homosexuality never comes up if you Google “is my g”, all we want to know is that our girlfriends are not cheating, not crazy, and that our guns are not stolen. Off topic, Hank, but the Venn diagrammatical intersection between people who Google “is my girlfriend cheating?” and people who Google “is my gun stolen"? Worrisome.

Right, but about your possibly gay boyfriend, two things. First, human sexuality is not an either/or proposition, and trying to deny its complexity is going to make both you and your partner miserable. Secondly, let me submit that this is not a question for Google. It is a question for your boyfriend!

“Is my baby sick?” Listen, I know why you’re asking Google this question. You’re asking because the alternative is to put a thermometer in your baby’s rectum, and your baby will look up at you like “I am not enjoying this!” and you’ll be like “You know what, this isn’t my idea of a fun Thursday night either!” and then your baby’ll be like “But I am incapable of empathy!” But it is my sad duty to inform you that while Google can take a picture of your house, it cannot stick a thermometer inside your baby’s bottom. That’s your job, sorry. If your baby’s under six weeks old and has a temperature over a hundred and one, call your doctor immediately.

“Is my boyfriend cheating on me?” Yes.

“Is my baby teething?” Yes.

“Is my boyfriend losing interest?” Well yeah, otherwise, why would he be cheating on you?

“Is my boyfriend cheating on me quiz?” You want a quiz? Okay, here is your quiz: Did you just Google "is my boyfriend cheating on me?" If you answered yes, he may or may not be cheating on you, but there is definitely a problem! It may be that your boyfriend is cheating on you, or that he’s untrustworthy, or that you’re incapable of trust, or that you don’t believe that you’re good enough to deserve his monogamous affection. It may be that you feel undervalued or that he feels smothered, but something has gone wrong that Google cannot answer! You have to talk to your boyfriend. And sometimes those conversations will result in breaking up, and I know that breaking up sucks, but it is better than having to Google “is my husband cheating”!

“Is my baby a boy or a girl?” Probably a boy. I mean, it’s a slight probably, but I’m going with it.

“Is my boyfriend cheating?” Come on, seriously? We just went over this!

“Is my blood pressure high?” Probably, you’re very anxious about your boyfriend, and that cannot be good for your health! Ideally you want your blood pressure to be in the green or the yellow, not in the orange or the red. Yet another example, Hank, of why it’s good to be green.

And lastly, “Is my baby sleeping too much?” Okay first off, if your baby is eating enough and gaining weight, your baby is not sleeping too much. Second off, don’t take this personally, but I hate you.

So Nerdfighters with boyfriends and girlfriends, talk to each other! Hank, don’t forget to be awesome. I gotta go upstairs and pack; I will see you on Wednesday!