Good morning, Hank. It's Friday, July 27th, and I have REALLY EXCITING NEWS! That might have been too much; it's not that exciting. I have reasonably exciting news! Actually, after the excitement of the last couple days, that's probably even too much. Hank, I have news that I find exciting that you, uh, probably won't.

That's right, I finished cataloging my home library! YES! This is something I've wanted to do ever since we left New York. When I had to pack up all those books, I said to myself, "When we move, I am going to make a brilliantly catalogued library so that I will never lose another book again in my entire life." And now, with the help of librarything.com and The New York Public Library's Guide to Organizing a Home Library In Your Pants, I've done it! That's right, I own a book about how to organize your library.

Uh... this is off-topic, but I wonder exactly how many books can fit inside the library in my pants? I know that right now, the flamers are all like flexing their little flame fingers, preparing to write "u r a nurd". Hank, I have a serious question. Why is being a nerd bad? Saying "I notice you're a nerd" is like saying "Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan... why is that?"

In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even "lame" is kind of lame. Saying, "You're lame," is like saying, "You walk with a limp." Yeah, whatever. So does 50 Cent; he's done all right for himself. It's not that I mind being insulted, it's that I mind being insulted so poorly. There are plenty of great insults. I mean, you could be like, "u r way 2 focused on urself".

You wanna talk about some insults, let's talk about Shakespeare's insults. I mean, here's a conversation of contemporary insults. "You're a dork." "You're a geek." "You suck." "No, you suck." Compare that with a conversation made out of real Shakespearean insults. "I think that you're a herd of boils and plagues." "You monstrous malefactor!" "Mad-headed puke stocking!" "You stuffed cloak-bag of guts!" "You're just a huge bombard of sac!" "You barren, spoiled man. You carcass, fit for hounds!" "Dude. Carcass fit for hounds? That's a burn." "Yeah, I know, right? Carcass fit for hounds? Not bad!" "You valiant flea. You foul and ugly witch!" "Oh, shut up, you presumptuous vassal!" "You fat and greasy citizen, you saucy lackey, you fancy mongerer!" "Yeah, well, you're a mildewed ear!" "You're a timorous wrench." "Maybe so, but you're a foul, mis-shapen stigmatic with an odoriferous stench." "You foul, undigested lump!" "Wait, lump of what?" "Shakespeare didn't specify. Maybe like... Big League Chew?" "That's disgusting. I'm just like a pound of Big League Chew sitting in somebody's stomach?"

Now THAT'S how you insult people. With Shakespeare. Nerdfighters for the win. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.

Oh, wait, I forgot to show you my home library! Hooray, home library! OK, Hank, we start off with Shakespeare, poetry, reference, reference, reference. Then we got Islam, we got wicker basket, then we got Christianity -- you have to separate them with the wicker basket so they don't get mad at each other. Then we've got Chinese religions, and then we've got some history and social sciences. Author copies of An Abundance of Katherines, author copies of Looking for Alaska, foreign editions of both books, and children's books. Then in the main room, we have first editions of contemporary fiction, literary biography, southern studies. Then up here, we got novels by dead guys, stuff Mark Twain wrote, and travel. Then we have novels by living authors, we have young adult fiction, mystery novels, literary criticism, and of course, humor. And then over here we have my collection of first editions of books that are about conjoined twins.