Good morning Hank, it's - wait, what day is it? Oh! I can just look at my calendar! It's Friday, August 26th! Thank you so much!

It's Question Friday, the day that I answer real questions from real nerdfighters. Let's get right to it!

"Do you ever get frustrated being a muggle?"
How do you know I'm a muggle?

"Favorite essay you have ever read?"
The Crack-Up by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

"Why hasn't my boyfriend kissed me, even though we've been going for almost five months?"
Wait. Going? Going where? Certainly not to first base. Anybody? Ah? Base jokes? Is that still a thing?

Listen up, anonymous young twitter user! You are a powerful young woman! Kissing is not something that happens /to/ you, it's something that happens /with/ you. So talk to your boyfriend, with whom you have been going lo these five months, and be honest with him.

"How goes the TFIOS signing?"
Uh, this somewhat under-represents my progress. I'm at about thirty-five thousand, although I am temporarily out of red Sharpies. I have a long way to go.

"How many Sharpies have you gone through so far?"
Like about this many. (dumps sharpies on the floor)
That's gonna take a while to clean up.

"Is it too late to pre-order a signed copy?"
No, all pre-orders of The Fault in Our Stars will be signed. In fact, the whole first printing is being signed, which means all the books that go out to book stores are being signed too. I just don't know how fast they're gonna sell out, so I can only, like, absolutely guarantee that the pre-orders will be signed.

"But will you sign the ones from Amazon UK?"
Yes.

"Does it have to be pre-ordered from--"
Yeah, no, all pre-orders will be signed.

"Can we pre-order the book from somewhere like--"
Yes.

"England?"
Yes!

"Canada?"
Yes! It doesn't matter where you live or where you pre-order it or whether you are wearing pants at the time of ordering; all pre-orders will be signed! Haghhhh. Let's move on.

"What Hogwarts house would you be in? Also, what is the capital of Luxembourg?"
I'm kind of a Ravenpuff and Luxembourg. "Ravenpuff Luxembourg" would be a great Pottermore name.

"What's your favorite type of hat?"
My people-hunting hat.

"How much do you love kittens?"
I love kittens, like, this much. I'm not a big kitten-person.

"Bacon or cake?"
Cakon!

"Just curious, what is your opinion of anime and manga? I also love that you actual say manga right."
First, thank you for noticing my excellent pronunciation of manga. Second, I love anime and manga.

"Describe your favorite paradox."
Okay so you want to walk through a doorway, but before you can walk through that doorway you have to walk half way to the door. Before you can do that you have to walk half way to the half-way point, etc. Basically you have to traverse infinity to go anywhere. I don't see how you're ever going to get through the door. That's called Zeno's paradox. It's very important to me.

"Do you have a Tumblr?"
Do I? fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com. Link in the dooblydoo.

"Can you do Question Tuesday with peanut butter face?"
Briefly.

"What works of yours are you most proud of?"
I'm fairly proud of my career as a professional person who puts peanut butter on his face.

"Hi?"
Hi!

"Favorite punctuation mark?"
Interrobang?!

"Elmo or Grover?"
Right, so every morning I wake up with a song in my head, and for years it was always some wonderful song like by the Mountain Goats or Hank Green or something. But lately it's been the same song every morning: "Elmo has two ducks. Quack quack. Two birds of a--" Aaaaaaaagggghh! Grover.

"How do you feel about Scotland's national animal?
Oh you mean the bagpipes? I love bagpipes! What do you mean it's not an animal? Sure it's an animal. It responds to stimulus. It can reproduce. It can't? What are all those, like, holes and pointy things for then? Googling Scotland's national ani--Unicorns?! I hate them!

"Does Sarah have any input into your writing process? Have any of her ideas ever made it into your stories?"
Yeah, tons of stuff. From "imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia," in "Looking for Alaska," to all the pranks in "Paper Towns," and she contributed hugely to "The Fault in Our Stars."

"What was the original title of "Looking for Alaska?"
I had lots of titles: "Misremembering Alaska," "The Great Perhaps." For a long time I wanted to call it, "Warm Malt Liquor: A Novel."

"I was sorted as a Hufflepuff on Pottermore. Can you console me?"
Console you? That you're joining the house of Helga Hufflepuff and Tonks? I'm not going to console you. I'll congratulate you!

"Did you ever own a diary?"
Yeah I maintained one periodically from 1984 to 1988. It contained such memorable entries as, "Today was a good day. My brother got sick."

Hank, I'll see you on Monday.