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 (00:00) to (02:00)


I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, clinical sexologist, and host of this sex curious show, Sexplanations. Today's episode is sponsored by Adam and Eve. Let's talk about my youth, my journals. Time has passed since I was in middle school. 

Alright, here's what we've got. I was going through boxes. I have boxes full of composition notebooks like this. Lindsey Doe's third journal on L.I.F.E. Beginning to maybe an end of 7th grade? Our weird feelings. Barkeling(?~0:33) book. 

It's just- I did this. All the time, writing. And I thought that there might be some insights in here.

The last time that I read one of these, I opened up to a page, and it was talking about how I touched a penis for the first time. And how I thought that because it felt so good, that everything everybody was telling me about god couldn't be true, because there's no way that if there was a god, he would make something feel so good, and then not want me to touch it. 

So there's this journal, which I can't find, where there's a moment in time, I switched from being no sex until marriage, Christian, like 15, to full on agnostic pursuit of the dick. 

But there's other stuff that I can share with you. I haven't looked through this much. I don't know what all is in here, but I'll show you some of it.

Look at that. That's a picture from 1994 magazine. This is the fashion then. Oh, 1994. I need to remember dance money for a dance that I was gonna go to. 

There's magic in here. Let's see. "Today's Monday, and I am sick at home from school." Could be the day that I got my period. 

Oh, here's something. I put a bunch of pictures and advertisements about bikes, because someone had told me that bike in German means penis. And my friends and I, at the time, we were probably 12, thought that this was a hysterical euphemism which we could use to ask the people in our class about their penises without saying penis.

 (02:00) to (04:00)


So she writes, "Ah bikes, you should know" - This is me talking to my own journal - "means penis in German. So that's what all the bikes are." And then I have the bike wheels should be the balls and the helmet is a condom. Already thinking about protection at 12.

And then I say, "Here's some questions to ask about them: how many bikes do you have? Do you ride double? What color is your bike? Have you waxed it recently?" Was hair removal a thing then? I don't know.

I also think that there's this Judy Bloom book where a character names their penis Ralph, and so Ralph became a substitue for the word penis. And my friends and I then proceeded to have Ralph and Virginia and then they had-

Virginia was a vagina, and then there were names for the breasts and names for the testicles. And there was this whole family tree that we made to talk about sex without using the clinical language.

So strange.

An article on female boding.

Interesting.

There's directions on how to clean a shrimp in here.

Where is all the puberty talk, girl? Cause we know that I was obsessed.

You? What do you have in store for me? Lots of French translations.

"November 15th, 1994: The feelings inside of me are strong.
They're choicy and a combination of delightfulness and upsetting pain. The things I will write will be in verse and have their own little ring."

Maybe this was before puberty hit me. No. There's no way.

"When I first started you I was having a bad day, but today things have pulled through and I'm one of the happiest people on Earth and its surrounding." Its surrounding. Like one of the only people on Earth and all of the surrounding Earth.

"The only sadness is that some day this happiness will leave and I'll have to climb another mountain for life has more than one up and more than one down. Some things are so wonderful."

Oh gosh. "I think I shall go inside now so that I made spend my joy with everyone around me and the music."

 (04:00) to (06:00)


Oh my goodness Lindsey. Someone out there can probably take a journal of mine and make a psychological diagnosis. This is how people feel. There's a whole podcast where people read journal entries.

Here we are with the bike obsession again. Evidence that sex was on my mind: "Wear a helmet when you ride your bike", she thought was so hilarious. "Today, Adam, my boyfriend, asked me to go to the dance with him. I felt so tall." Oh, this is when my boyfriend left and moved to Texas. And I couldn't cope. 

Okay, here it is. I think that this is the money book, because, page one. I'm not gonna show you this cuz it has first and last names, but I took all of the boys and all of the girls in school, and I coupled them. And then I made a mad lib with body parts. 

Oh, okay. We've got a code page. [laughs] I heard erection with an I-R-E-T-C-I-O-N. Mike and Ralph, penis. Pen 15, penis. Helmet, condom. Checking out means checking out certain body parts. Bells are breasts. Morgan and Jessica parts also mean breasts, because Morgan and Jessica were more developed than the rest of us. 

Slots are vagina holes. Quarter is bike, which must mean a penis, cuz you put it in slot. Garage is a slot, so a vagina. Headlights are bells, so breasts. Limo is a bike, so now just random vehicles are all penises. Forest is your pubic hair. Snake is a penis. Three letter word, PMS. 

Once a year thing, period, because I thought that you got your period once a year. Twigs are penises. Berries, balls. Cones are breasts. Monkey, penis. Lifesaver, vagina. Ring, vagina. 

And then, look at this, cut out from some sort of sex education class. What year are you? Where is the date? October 1994. Evidence of when I first learned about human sexuality!

 (06:00) to (08:00)


, erection with two E's. Nocturnal emission, or wet dream, is a release of semen at night during sleep. It can also happen if you have a vulva, and your vagina lubricates. I just stumbled upon sex education. I made an entire journal to capture my sex education.

She's a nerd through and through. I love this stuff. Why is this penis named "Killroy"? Oh, this is the family tree. Oh my goodness, yes! "We are okay, don't ask. Wait a minute. Right now, we're in the year 1994, people are getting raped, having abortions, and there aren't many people who are divorced." I didn't even know that I knew about abortions, spelled A-R-B-O-T-I-O-N-S. Arbotions, or rape, I didn't even know I knew about that then, but apparently

"When I was seven, there was no such thing as an orbortion, orbortion." That's not true, Lindsey. You just didn't know. "And I think there were no rapists when I was seven. Anyway, there were major killers. Now you don't have to worry about such things. Think about how much the world has changed. Think about, by the year 2000, people won't know who their parents were."

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. "Think about the year 2000, people won't know who their parents were. And women won't know who they had their child with because they go out to bars, and they come back pegnant. It's not as if this doesn't now, but just think, by the year 2000, it will be common that people will be filling the spaces for their parents' names with question marks. 

"Since I've written four pages, I'll let my best friend respond. Question: what do you think life will be like in the year 2000, when you've had children?" Oh my gosh!

Dickhead pic from a friend, not my drawing. We had a sleepover. We had a questionnaire. "What do you look for in a girl? Nice, pretty. What do you suspect about some girls? That they have secrets. 

 (08:00) to (10:00)


"What do you talk about? Dont know. When do you talk about girls?" We just- we were obsessed with ourselves, and we want you to be talking to us always, about us always "Do you think Lindsey is messed up? Don't know. Do you guys like Reida because of her bells and because she gets the three letter word?"

Ooh, little insecure kids were wondering if the boys liked the friend with the breasts and puberty. Three letter word, PMS. "Do guys really talk about bases? Yes." And then we did m.a.s.h. "On a scale from 1 to 10, how bad or good do your feet smell?" So me, at this time, I would've been twelve.

I was talking about how "Oh my goodness! Look at what the world has come to! Look at how it's changed! When I was 7, rapists didn't exist and there weren't 'abortchions' and people getting 'pegnant', and now at the ripe age of 12, I am aware of these things, but think that they're all new because I've stumbled upon them."

Silly, silly, silly. And I do this too, as an adult, I'll think "Oh! This wasn't part of the past because it's new information to me, so everything prior to my realization of it must have not existed. Casual sex wasn't a thing before I discovered it, or polyamory wasn't a thing before I discovered it. The trans experience is new". 

It's new in ways. There are ways in which we now talk about sexuality and experience sexuality that are in the context of the current cultural climates all over the world. But those identities and ways of being, orientations, have been around way before composition notebooks were recording them. 

If humans with our minds have been on this planet for over a hundred thousand years, but we have only recorded so much of them. We have no idea what was going on before. Maybe we've already done all of this already, and it's just been blipped off of the record. There wasn't a record or there wasn't this record.

 (10:00) to (12:00)


This isn't gonna stand the test of time. I could take a match and light the whole thing on fire. It is helpful to have a collection of what we think we know. All of the Sexplanation episodes are a collection of what we think about sexuality the moment that I'm writing them? Not even at the moment that I'm publishing them, but the moment that I'm writing them.

And to be able to look back on those episodes, or on these journals, and reflect on what I thought and how I've grown is a very powerful experience. 'Cause I can look at this and I- right? Like I can shame myself.

There's a drawing in here of the symbols for sexuality, there's the male arrow and the female with the plus sign, and there's one where I've put the two together, and then one where the arrow and the plus sign are both coming off of the circle. And I have this epiphany about an intersex person or trans person, and to watch her figure those things out in 1994, there's a little bit of embarrassment.

"Oh, gosh! Why didn't she know about sexuality? Why wasn't she already woke and sex positive and mature and put together?" But I wasn't. None of us are just born getting this and knowing exactly how to navigate sexuality, to talk about it, to think about it, to write and do drawings, or negotiate sex with other people we, I, had to fumble a bunch to figure it out.

And the people before me. And the people after me. We're just trying, we're trying. So be gentle with yourself and stay curious. 

Okay, so this is not what I thought it was gonna be. I thought that this was going to be stiff, that it was going to have an erection, but it doesn't. It is very flaccid. The nice part of it, though, is that even though it doesn't allow me to extend the vibrations outward, like I might want to. 

I was hoping it would be like this, like extend the vibrator, so I can- It allows me to have a dangling effect, which means that if I'm using my hand, there's a direct connection from my brain to where the vibrator is gonna be.

 (12:00) to (13:41)