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Uploaded:2011-09-10
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In which John plays FIFA while recalling Pants, the cat whom he lost in a long-ago custody battle. Swindon Town continue their improbable march through League One toward the Championship; thanks for watching, and please tell me what you want to hear about in the next video. DFTBA.
Hello, and welcome to Hank Games. Featuring Not Hank. It's me, John Green, playing FIFA 11. Today, I am playing Leyton Orient. We are Swindon Town, we are as always the Swindon Town... Swindies? I don't know what our mascot is. But anyway, we're playing Leyton Orient, a great club with a great history that today I plan on destroying.

Unfortunately we only have one John Green in the lineup today. The other John Green is tired, and I was told that playing him would risk injury, and I don't want to hurt my beloved John Green.

So, in yesterday's episode I talked to you about Red Green, my terrible Dachshund, and today, I'm going to answer the question, "Did you ever have a cat?" Someone wanted me to tell stories about my cats, if I ever had one.

I did have a cat. When I was a younger man, before The Yeti was in my life, I lived in Chicago in an apartment in Wicker Park with a girl. I don't recommend this, by the way. I mean, not that I don't recommend living with a girl, or that I don't recommend living in Chicago, or in apartments. I just don't recommend living in this particular apartment with this particular girl.

So, I was living in Chicago, and, um... [SWI - #11 J. Green 9'] Oh! John Green. John Green. John Green, what a great goal from Regular John Green, picking up the slack for Other John Green. I'm really proud of you, buddy. Bald John Green couldn't be here today but this John Green did great. It still says "Bennett" on the back of his jersey but we know he's John Green in our hearts.

So, anyway. We got a cat, she and I. It was one of those things where we were trying to save our relationship and we knew that it was a really bad idea to have a baby so we got a cat instead. And, we got a cat, I would say it was 1999 probably, at the time. And we were living in this apartment, it's important to note, was just awful. I mean, it was the kind of apartment that literally came without a stove or a refrigerator. Have you ever seen that thing where Fox News was like "These poor people, they're not so poor; 99.6% of poor people have refrigerators"? Well, I was in that .4% of people.

So, anyway. We were living in this refrigerator-less-- we eventually got, like, a dorm fridge, but we were living in this weird, tiny, miserable apartment, and we decided to get a cat. We got a cat, we named him Pants, he was a kitten when we first got him, and then, in the way of cats, he became a cat. And, I mean, I'm not gonna say that Pants was a bad cat, at all. I think Pants--

[SWI - #32 C. Austin 20'] OOOHHH! IT MUST HAVE BEEN! STONE-COLD CTEVE AUSTIN WITH GOAL NUMBER 2, filling in for Bald John Green. Great job, buddy. That's his own celebration as well. So we got this-- what, don't- don't- don't hurt him!

We got this cat, his name was Pants. He wasn't a bad cat, but he lived in a small apartment, and he, for some reason he was not like a regular cat. He yearned to roam free, I think that's the real story of Pants, like Pants desperately wanted--

Stone Cold Cteve Austin. Making a run. Deep into-- deep into enemy territory. Leyton Orient, almo-- [SWI - #32 C. Austin 22'] Oh! Down 3-0. Oh actually that was John Green, sorry I get confused. Anyway, Stone Cold Cteve Austin with another goal. Great job for him, really proud of him, and uh... Just-- That's, that's, that's gorgeous. That's just gorgeous. Let's look at that one more time. Mm! That's just, wow. Beautiful.

So, um. Pants, he was a little bit like a squirrel, like, I think he was maybe part squirrel actually. He looked a little bit like a squirrel, and then he also, he was just always running around like a squirrel, and, you know. He would hide stuff the way that squirrels do, and, he was just, he was just kind of a crazy dog. I mean, cat.

Anyway. Ah, so here's my story about Pants. We broke up, the girl and I. You know, and people break up, and it was brutal, and I was really struggling with depression - not, like, in a funny way, but in an actual way - after this breakup. And I was left with the apartment, because she left the city of Chicago to, you know, to pursue her life outside of Chicago.

[SWI - #11 J. Green 29'] And amid this sadness, John Green with his second goal. It's 4-0, in the first half here against Leyton Orient. We may have to find some stiffer competition. I may have to up the skill level or something. But given that I don't even know how to personalize my players, I certainly don't know how to up the skill level. Can someone tell me, by the way, how to get Bald John Green a mustache? Because that's something that I really want him to have.

So, we broke up, and I was living in this apartment, I was a really miserable person, really really struggling. And like, when you're depressed it's difficult to do anything. It's difficult to take care of yourself, let alone another animal. And, even though cats are really low maintenance and pretty much all you have to do is change their litter box, I found myself really having a tough time like even changing his litter box. And so eventually this girl and I, we had to have a conversation about what was going to happen to Pants. And, you know, it was sort of mutually agreed upon that, like, the only real solution was to have Pants go with her. And so she took Pants, and then shortly thereafter she got married. To a different boy, definitionally it was to a different person. I haven't been, like, hiding a divorce from you for these many years.

Um, so she got married, and, um, and then... I was kind of bummed out that, you know, she met this boy really quickly and they fell in love and obviously their relationship was a lot stronger than ours ever was, you know. It was pretty... It was tough. And, so, to cope, I wrote a picture book called Pants Has a New Daddy. Um, that was all about... It was sort of about, like, you know, break-ups, and--

[SWI - #32 C. Austin 44'] 5-nil! Stone Cold Cteve Austin with his hat trick, here in the 44th minute. We're on pace to win by 10!

Um, and, uh, yeah. So it was called Pants Has a New Daddy, and it was all about, you know, Pants going to his new house with his new father, and finding out that his new father wasn't nearly as cool as his old dad. Um, and, you know, that eventually, he runs away and goes and lives with his old dad. Which of course would have been a disaster because I was depressed and totally unqualified to take care of a cat, as previously noted. But it was, you know...

It's hard to cope when you have those big big life-changing break-ups. I remember, like, right when we broke up, I was really-- you know, it was just a really-- it was a hard time in my life, not only because of the breakup of our relationship (augh, off-sides), but also because, it was in those first few years after college, which I've talked about in Vlogbrothers videos before, which I just think are brutally difficult for a lot of different reasons. I mean, you're coping with the real world for the first time, you're, you know. You're in a new place a lot of times, you don't have a lot of friends, your support network isn't what it used to be. So, um... So we... It was just--

Ah! What a great goal. Sorry, can I just watch some highlights real quick? I mean this is just, this is great stuff, you know? Boom. Stone Cold Cteve Austin with his second goal, and then a nice breakaway. That's just good stuff.

So, here we are going into the second half, we're up 5-nil on Leyton Orient. The Leyton Orient fans are embarrassed, they're making a substitution in a desperate attempt to slow down the insane wrath, that is the Swindon Town Swifties. Or the Swindon Town Swindlers. You guys need to come up with a mascot for Swindon Town, it doesn't have to be the actual mascot, it should be what you think it should be, and then just tell me and then we'll make that the mascot.

Oh, we almost gave up a goal! Could the second half be a different story? No. Um, I'm gonna try a long pass, these always work. It actually-- no, no, it didn't work.

So, it was just, ah... That's a hard time of life, and I remember after we broke up, my mom said to me, "you'll look back on this and think it was one of the best things to ever happened to you." You know because we didn't, it wasn't a marriage. You know? It was a serious relationship, but it wasn't a marriage, and we didn't have kids, you know. So when things, that's a lot easier.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I don't mean-- Ah! Panic! I don't, but I don't want a, but I don't want a replay, I just want to play my game. Yeah, there we go, Mr. Lucas. My goalkeeper who appears to weigh 375 lbs. Um...

But she said, "You'll look back on this and say that this was the best thing that ever happened to you." And I was like, "well, you know, maybe later, but certainly not now! You know, NOW it's not the best thing that ever happened to me at all! It's a terrible, terrible thing." And I think it's really unhelpful to have people - I mean I love my mom, she's a great mom - but I just don't think that it really helps to know that someday this will be better. I mean, you never say that to people when they, you know. It's just... The truth is that it, it was a good thing, in the end. For both of us, I mean it was a good thing for her too. She has a great life now and, um, very, like, successful and loads of kids and they're all super-cute and, you know, I couldn't be happier for her, and everything turned out wonderfully. But, you know. At the time, it was just brutal.

Ahhhhh off the post, Cteve Austin, I expect better from you. Um... So. By the way, it's Cteve with a 'C', in case you were wondering why I keep calling him Cteve Austin. So, ah... Also I may have missed.

The other thing that I-- the other thing about Pants, though-- so, you know, for years, like, I wondered what happened to Pants. Like, did she keep Pants, did she eventually have to give Pants away, like, you know. And this young woman and I weren't in touch for a variety of reasons, mostly because it was a painful breakup, and I think it's weird when you stay friends with your exes into adulthood when you have, like, kids and you're married and stuff, I just think it's kind of weird and unhealthy. That's just my personal opinion, it's not like a scientific fact or anything. And I don't care if Sarah talks to her exes, I just, for me, because, you know, I just think it's weird.

Anyway. That's not the point. The point is that I had always wondered what happened to Pants and like, you know, does he, had he had a good life and everything. And then, I heard from her, a couple years ago. I got a really nice email from her about a friend of ours.

[SWI - #32 C. Austin 71'] Oh, Cteve Austin! He just scored his fourth goal! Cteve with a 'C'! Great job, Ctevie C!

So, I heard from her, and the first thing I said in my email back was "What happened to Pants?!" Um, and she said, "Pants is great!" Ah, so Pants is still alive, and he's still a cat, and he still lives with my ex-girlfriend, I think they live in Alabama now, and um... I don't actually know where they live.

Don't give up a goal. That's great stuff! Great stuff, 375 lbs goalkeeper!

Anyway, I think they live in Alabama but I'm not positive. And, uh, yeah! And Pants is still alive and she told me a hilarious story, which was that, her oldest son loves the cat, but you know, Pants is always sort of, I wouldn't say that he hates humans, but he's certainly very suspicious of them, and, um... She told a story of her oldest son coming to her and saying, "Mommy, I want to hold kitty." And so she said, "Well, then just give him a hug." And then the kid says, "But Mommy, don't want to get huwt." Hahaha. And that's pretty much my experience with Pants too, um, which is that I always--

Oh no. Oh God. Oh no. Disast-- great stuff! Great stuff, 375 lbs Lucas. You are a big, big fella, right there in the mouth of the goal. Turn it around. How is that off-si-- oh, it wasn't off-side, it's ok. I'm not playing as well as I can because I'm in a nostalgic fit for Pants. I could have won this game 10-0, but I just, you know, I lost focus, because I started thinking about Pants. He was such a cute little cat. He IS such a cute little cat! Because he's still out there doing Pants stuff, not liking people.

I remember my grandmother visited my apartment once, and she was duly horrified, and about Pants, she said - OH COME ON! - about Pants, she said, "I think he's part raccoon." Hahaha. I myself think he was part squirrel, but my grandmother thought he was part raccoon. This is the same grandmother who coined the term "skoodilypooping" to describe making out. She would always...she did not approve of me living with this young woman, of course, so she would always say, "Y'all just hang out there and skoodilypoop."

Ah, SO THERE WE GO! Stone Cold Cteve Austin with 4 of the 6 goals, the other two scored by John Green, and there's a great celebration at Swindon Town as they defeat Leyton Orient 6-0 thanks to some great goalkeeping the 375 lbs Lucas.

So congratulations again to Swindon Town, my beloved Swindon Town, The Swifties? The Swindlers? The Swoopidy-swoops? You guys decide. Also, give me suggestions for what I should tell you stories about in the next episode, ooooffff Hank Games! Not featuring Hank, in which John Plays FIFA 11 and takes Swindon Town to the top of the Premier League.

So. Thank you for watching, you will not see me and I will not see you, but, you know, we will reconnect here in the near future. Best wishes!

[vs. Leyton Orient: W 6-0

SWI: "Other" John Green 9', 29'; "Stone Cold" Cteve Austin 20', 22', 44', 71']