[Hank] Good morning, John; I do not want to belittle the importance of the Case of the Poopy Nintendo, but I think that we also need to recognize that there are bigger poops being put into more important Nintendos all across the world right now that we need to pay attention to.

Obviously, BP is putting poop into the Gulf of Mexico's Nintendo. Israel and Palestine have so much poop in their Nintendos that no one even knows where any of it came from. But much closer to home for all of us on YouTube, Viacom is attempting to put poop in YouTube's Nintendo

And this is a very big deal, so I invited YouTube and Viacom to come over to my house and sit down at my dining room table and talk it out. Unfortunately both of them ignored my request and so I had to do it all by myself.

[as Viacom] Hello, YouTube.

[as YouTube] Hello, Viacom.

[Viacom] Your website is really nothing but illegally uploaded copyrighted content, and we want two very reasonable things from you. One: We would like compensation for the videos that were viewed on your site that were illegally uploaded. And, Two: we want you to manually approve every single video that gets put on your site.

[YouTube] Okay, let's take the first point first, because we might actually be able to do something about that. It might make sense for you to be compensated for your content. How much do you want for that?

[Viacom] We would like 1 billion dollars.

[YouTube] How about instead we give you $2 per thousand views on all of the content that was uploaded illegally? That's more than anybody else gets.

[Viacom] Uhh, how about ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!??

[YouTube] Okay, well, uh, let's table that for now. But let's just be honest here, the vast majority of clips on YouTube are uploaded legitimately and legally by the owner of the clips, whether it's just some guy in his living room, or whether it's a big media company, like you, Viacom.

[Viacom] Whatever! Last time I was on YouTube, it was, like, ALL "Daily Show" and "Family Guy" clips!

[YouTube] Ummm... was that, was that 2007?

[Viacom] Uh... maybe, yeah.

[YouTube] Well since then, we have created the world's most advanced content identification system, which has all but eradicated illegally uploaded videos from the site.

[Viacom] Be that as it may, YouTube would never have gotten as successful and gigantic as it is now if it weren't for all the copyrighted clips! For example, let me read to you from an email from one of the founders of YouTube - quote - "if you remove the potential copyright infringements..., site traffic and virality will drop to maybe 20% of what it is."

[YouTube] Even if Steven Chen meant to imply what that very out-of-context quote implies, Viacom has repeatedly put its own clips on YouTube, trying to disguise the fact that it was uploaded by Viacom. How are we supposed to know which videos you want online and which ones you don't?

[Viacom] That's not our concern. Your site was built on piracy and it is dirty.

[YouTube] If we're so dirty, then why did you unsuccessfully try to buy YouTube?

[Viacom] What? That...that has nothing to do with this! This is about our lawsuit. You profited from our content!

[YouTube] Well, is it true that Viacom-owned Spike.com routinely monetizes videos created by independent video creators with 30-second pre-rolls without the permission of the owners?

[Viacom] This is not Spike.com's lawsuit. If those people want to sue us, they're welcome to.

[YouTube] Oh, okay, I get it now; so it's okay to steal from someone if they can't afford a lawyer. The independent content creators that you are stealing from, they're the backbone of YouTube.

[Viacom] Oh, come on. Everyone knows that independent content is a mere sideshow when compared to the main attraction of illegal copyrighted content.

[YouTube] Leaving aside that what you're saying is infuriating, it is also factually inaccurate.

[Viacom] But that's not possible. How could YouTube keep growing if it weren't profiting from pirated clips?

[YouTube] Because our users, independent content creators, major media companies, all these people are uploading great content to YouTube that people want to watch.

[Viacom] But they're not watching our content, and when they are, we can't control the way that they watch it.

[YouTube] Uh, as far as we know, that is not against the law.

[Viacom] But YouTube, you gotta understand. We can't handle this kind of change. We're an old media company. This is the kind of change that means we're gonna make less money!

[YouTube] Ah... okay... I see, now we have gotten to the crux of the matter. Viacom, will you please take your poop out of our Nintendo?

[Hank, to camera] John, I will see you on Monday.