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In which John talks about all of the pets he has ever owned. The Wimbly Womblys take on Rotherham Utd.

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Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank, my name is John Green, I'm the manager of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, who today find themselves in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy contest. It was clear but then it started raining, what a surprise. Oh, England. By the way, our opponents have a guy named Freckleham on their team, the most English name in the history of the world.

Today I'm going to be talking about all the pets that I've owned while we play in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy. This is a win or go home competition for the lower leagues but if you get to the final you get to play in Wembley which is very good for your club financially so we'd really like to get to the final for the sake of the finances of the club. We could use some new players, not because our current players aren't good, they're great we love them, but...

That's gonna be a free kick and we know how I do with free kicks. Alright it's Ya Bamba, "Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba". Alright, here we go. And no. Gah, I've never scored from a free kick.

So, we need new players because we are currently suffering from a bit of a rash of injuries and we don't have any players to replace them because we are really, really poor as professional football teams go. Just like the real AFC Wimbledon which is why we support them via sponsorship here at hankgames. So yeah, that's the update. And we're also starting Mr Smith goes to Washington who is on the ball. Look at Mr Smith goes to... Finally he gives it up. 

And... Anyway, so all the pets I've owned. My first pet ever that I remember having, I guess we had dogs when I was very little, like, two or three, one of whom we had to give to a foster home because he was, like, a dog that liked to bite children which only became an issue once my parents had children.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. It's P. Sweeney, P. Sweeney to Ya Bamba, Ya Bamba! Ah! He over ran the ball! He over ran the ball! Oh, it could have been... Oh it was Sainte-Luce. Sainte-Luce is not as much of a finisher as Ya Bamba, it must be said. Oh, and just disaster. Many people have reported in comments that sort of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys sort of, like... Oh gosh. Our back-up plan when it doesn't work to go to the corner and then work our way in, like when we can't get width, our back-up plan to sort of pass into the middle just is not working. We don't have the players for it right now so we need to get a little more tactically sophisticated but of course I suck at this game.

So my first pet that I remember having was Red Green. It was a terrible, terrible dog. I don't know if you guys have ever heard the story of Red Green, he once pooped in my Nintendo though which is about as bad a dog as you can have, if you love Nintendo as much as I do. Yeah, so we are... Yeah. So, that was my first like, he was a miniature dachshund, we got him for Christmas, Hank named him when he was, like, four or five years old and he thought Red Green would be a good name 'cause you know, Christmas, also colors, and also Red Green was a bit red. We had Red Green until he was sixteen years old, he was a good dog in the sense that, you know, he taught you important lessons about life like that you have to be patient and sometimes you have to love things that are not easily lovable. But I wouldn't say that it was an enjoyable dog experience for me.

We did also have a snake for a while, the snake was named Blue Green, he was a blue garter snake, we called him Blue Green, and he was a good snake and he died because, you know, that's what happens to pets. We had a gopher tortoise when I lived in Orlando when I was a kid. I can't remember the gopher tortoise's name. Could have been Green Green but I'm not positive and... Good gopher tortoise, really high quality, top-notch, top level gopher tortoise and then as I got older we got fish. I had a fish... I had a number of fish, all of whom met untimely fates due... You know, listen, I'm not gonna lie and say that I was the world's best keeper of pets. You could do better than having, like, nine, ten year old me take care of you although I did, I kept that gopher tortoise alive for a very long time.

And then we had a bird, Hank wanted a bird and we got a bird, his name was Rico. This was in the era that you guys probably don't remember when there was this hit song Rico Suave. I'm not gonna attempt to sing it for you but, do you know the song, Meredith? It went like "Rico, suave" I am going to attempt to sing it for you. Great song, really and I think that's honestly why Hank named the bird Rico. I'm not positive but I think that's why.

Don't call a foul there, that was just two men getting together lovingly, expressing their affection for each other on the pitch in a physical way. Okay, good call by the referee, good no call. We're really struggling without John Green and John Green up front, we're starting Jackie Midson, the hero. Jack Midson of course is the reason that we're even playing AFC Wimbledon in FIFA. If it weren't for Jack Midson's heroic penalty on the last game of the season last year, AFC Wimbledon would have been relegated out of the Football League and it would have been impossible to play them in FIFA so all hail Jackie Midson. There's only one Jackie Midson but we might have to substitute him out in the second half.

Later, in my high school years, we got a new dog, Maggie Green. We made the bold choice not to name her after a color and she responded by being, like, the best dog ever. She was a golden retriever and I just, I loved Maggie so much, she was so, in the way that dogs are. Like, she seemed to have just such a deep understanding of me and she seemed to really, like, genuinely love me and be able to, like, just be able to, like... She seemed to know when I was down, she seemed to know when I needed some cuddles and she was just the best, I loved Maggie so much. And then she died because, you know, that's what happens. I don't know why this went to such a dark place. Meanwhile Rico the bird I think may still be alive.

Oh come on, come on, turn back. You know what, yes! I like that play, I like that play a lot! And it's a goal! It's a beautiful goal! Mr Smith goes to Washington! Oh! Oh, what? I mean that might be the great... You know what? That's a nice bit of play from the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. Oh, Mr Smith. Oh, Matt Smith, Time Lord. He traveled through space and time so that he could enjoy this single moment of glory against Rotherham or Rotterdam or Rowthersperg. What team are we playing? Rother, Rother? Rotherham United. Wow, it's easy to... It couldn't have been that hard to unite Rotherham. 

Anyway, so yeah. That was my best, that was my... Maggie was our best pet and now of course I have Willy Green, he's our only pet, isn't he Sarah? I'm not missing anything? Do we have a pet other than Willy Green? Oh, we have children. Yeah, Willy's our dog and he's a great dog but he's not, you know, he's not the best behaved dog but there are no bad dogs only bad owners and we're terrible owners. So that's why.

Oh! I needed you to get a little bit of a better pass there, my friend. A slightly better pass would have really made a difference, if you could have gotten that hard into Mr Smith goes to Washington. Oh and he just came in with a hard beautiful tackle, I like that but he didn't manage. I like Matt Smith because he's dogged in pursuit which is something I appreciate in a striker. You guys know I like the strikers who come back and get the job done. Oh God, panic! Everything worked out better than expected.

But before we had Willy Green, we never had any pets in New York, we never had any pets pets in... Oh, we briefly had a fish. Remember that summer, we took care of Susan's fish? We fish sat for our friend Susan. Yeah, Sarah was such an extraordinarily, like, giving and loving owner of fish but also this was an ancient goldfish and we were terrified that it was going to die on our watch so Sarah created two different habitats for the fish, she called them town and country. One was like a sort of little country house that you might have and the other... or sort of a larger house that you might have in the country and then the other was a sort of pied-­à-terre in the city. And that was, and like... So over those three months that Sarah was taking care of that fish I was like "Man, she is gonna make a good mom someday" and I was right, she is a fantastic mom although arguably more committed to that fish than she is to our children. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

So, but... And we never had any pets in Chicago did we? You didn't have any pets in Chicago? No. So it's hard to have pets when your in your early 20s because you're out, you're out... If you're like me, you just partied so hard throughout your 20s just hitting the clubs. But yeah. Sarah makes a really good point which is that it's hard enough to take care of yourself when you're in your 20s, let alone to take care of a separate creature.

Oh! It needed a better finish. It needed a better finish, it needed a harder touch there from Jackie Midson. Oh man, yeah. I've got a song for Jack Midson that I wanna sing but he refuses to score. You know who might score today because he's in the starting line up? Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba. Oh, panic. Don't worry, Seb Brown's back there. He saved two penalties against Luton Town to put us into the Football League in one of the greatest moments in the history of AFC Wimbledon. Alright, here we go, here we go. Up the line! Oh! That's right, get it to your friend and then pass it back, pass it. Oh, it's a nice move, it's a nice move. Get that, get that cross in! Oh! Mr Smith wanted to travel to Washington but he was stymied. Oh, it's like his flight was delayed.

Why don't you pass back? No, yes, there. Over to Sainte-Luce. No! Sainte-Luce, God. I'm not gonna say that I'm struggling to like him but I'm struggling a little bit just because I don't, he's not... What we need up the wing is pace with this... Oh! Oh oh oh oh oh! Oh oh! Get in, get in, get in, get in!

"Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba!
Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba just scored a goal,
Just scored a goal!"

God, I can't sing at all. My voice is completely shot from the Project For Awesome, we just finished the 2013 Project For Awesome. I'm gonna try to recover for a second. That was a beautiful goal too. Let's look at it one more time, it's just a nasty, messy... That's a Wimbly Wombly goal right there. Wimbly Wombly special. Hold on, I gotta swallowed then I'm gonna try. "Ya Ya Ya". Nope I don't got it. I just, my voice is too cooked. That's a shame too because there is no song I enjoy singing more, and I know there's nothing that you guys enjoy hearing off key more, but I can hear the supporters singing it. Sarah, can you hear it in the crowd? I hear it, I hear it in the crowd right now. Meredith do you hear it? You just, it's that whole, there is nothing like twenty thousand AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Wombly supporters together singing Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba, just scored a goal, just scored a goal, and it was a great goal too.

A fantastic win by the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Wombly B team. Seb Brown inexplicably wearing a turtleneck but he came through. You know what, I love it when it rains because it's just, I don't wanna talk about the boys I manage, I don't wanna objectify them too much, but when it rains and their shirts cling to their beautiful, supple, masculine, well built bodies it's just a great thing, it's just a fantastic thing.

They've really been unfair to that guys haircut. Oh boy, Mr Smith, Mr Smith. You like that haircut? Seriously Meredith? Would you date a guy with that haircut, for real? Like, wouldn't you... He doesn't look like Macklemore, don't criticize Macklemore. Huh? You would date a guy with that haircut, like that wouldn't be a deal breaker for you? Seriously? Well, but a leg tattoo is different from that, like, rat tail of a haircut. Like, you... Seriously though, I mean, I want your honest answer, it would not be a deal breaker for you. Wow. Sarah, would that be a deal breaker for you? Yeah. It's funny-cool? You would date a dude with that haircut? You're married! She says she wouldn't exclude him based on the haircut to which I say I hope that you would exclude him based on the fact that he's not me. Best wishes.