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In which Hank discusses the rise of Asshole Production Programs (or APPs) which are making the world a lamer place for us all.


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A Bunny
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((') (')
Good Morning, John. Actually, you know what, it's not a good morning. It's a bad morning, because I am freaking tired of getting dicked around by customer service.

The customer service industry is, it seems, engaging in a practice that I will henceforth be calling an Asshole Propagation Program. I am defining these APPs as any societal program that ignores kindness and openness and coolness and rewards general douchebaggery. As an example so you can better understand what an APP is I am going to reenact a recent call that I had with a customer service agent of a company that I give my business to that I will not mention the name of.

Hi, this is Jeffrey from a big company's APP department.

Hi, yeah, my name's Hank Green. My credit card was recently defrauded and so I had to cancel my card and I didn't realize that it was the card that I had listed for your company's service on automatic payment and I just got a letter from you guys saying that you were charging me an extra thirty bucks because, uh, the payment didn't go through, but it was just 'cause my card was defrauded and I was too busy to try and find all of the places where it was listed as, uh, as the automatic payment option and so I thought maybe that wasn't a necessary charge.

Yeah, it's perfectly legal for us to do that.

Well, yeah, I wasn't saying that it's not legal for you to do it, I just thought that since none of the other half a dozen companies that had that card listed as an automatic payment option, uh, didn't charge me anything, that it was maybe a little silly for your company to charge me all that money.

I apologize sir, but that's our policy.

Um, yeah, but, do you see where I'm coming from here? Like, it's just, like, is your company going to charge me a bunch of money every time they're legally allowed to do it, even if, you know, I'm already dealing with a bunch of crap?

Well I'm sorry sir but there's nothing I can do for you. Um, that's just our policy. That's, that's how we do it.

And now, my friends, the moment you have been waiting for, the moment when I give in to the APP. I am not proud. I'm ashamed. But I did.

This is bull -beep-! First I have to deal with all the bullcrap because I got my credit card defrauded and that guy was stealing money from me, and now your company decides that they can steal more money from me because I already got money stolen from me! This is not okay! What you're doing is just making me as like an -beep- hole and say lots of curse words like bull -beep- and -beep- hole so that you can have a justification for going to your manager and asking me for my money back! So just go do it! Go ask for me, my, my, freaking money back and I will stop yelling at you because I am not a mean guy! I am a nice guy and I am tired of this! I hate that you made me yell at you! Go talk to your manager!

Sir, will you please hold?

Yes! I will hold!

Sir, we've gone ahead and credited the thirty dollars back to your account. Is there anything else I can do for you today?

No! That is all you can do for me! Thank you. Bye.

So I just wanna send out a message to all of the Asshole Propagation Programs in the world. We've got our eye on you. What you're doing might decrease your costs for now, but in the long run, all you are doing is creating more assholes, and it's not just customer service, it's every societal program that punishes kindness and rewards douchebaggery- all of you- it needs to stop! Do not give in! End the APPs! Viva la revolution!

I just wanted to show you that this is- I don't have one of these. It's just a flash drive with duct tape on it. And that part's been in my ear.