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Here's a list of the mistakes:

Literally blowing during a blowjob
Blowing into a vagina
Shaming someone about their bodily functions like queefing
Not asking for what you need
As in not taking stock of your own sexual health and pleasure
Not putting down a towel to protect the sheets
Not having sex on one’s period
Judging others’ sexuality as inferior or superior to our own rather than appreciating diversity
Not taking a complete inventory of the past vs the present
Not giving ourselves an opportunity to miss what we had and to be mad and sad about change
Identifying a problem, then soaking in it
Mind reading or rather attempting to mind read
Assuming things rather asking
Assuming they’re good without climax
Assuming they’re not good unless they climax
Assuming that what worked before will work again
Not tracking my hormones
Not prioritizing sex
Saying something during sex that your partner can’t hear
Getting tested for sexually transmitted infections during the window period (when you can’t determine whether or not the results are accurate) and using those potentially inaccurate results to describe your status
Not using contraception correctly or at all

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I make mistakes while having sex, while talking about sex, even in my thinking about it. This episode, sponsored by Adam and Eve, is a collection of some of those sexual mistakes and mishaps, as well as those you've sent me, and some solutions for dealing with them.

[intro]

Some of these are minor mistakes, others are more serious. Feel free to make a checklist and count how many you've made.

(1) Literally blowing. A blowjob is slang for oral sex on a phallus – typically licking, kissing, and massaging it with your mouth like I demonstrated in this blowjob tutorial. You might blow a little for a cool sensation, but blowing like you would a trumpet is a misunderstanding of the term. (2) This goes for vaginas too. Forcing air into an enclosed space of the body can lead to an embolism and death. So on it? Yeah. In it? I wouldn't.

Sometimes air will get into vaginas anyway: the position of sex might pump air in, or the vagina itself will suck in air during contractions. If this happens, the vagina may fart or queef. This is not a mistake. (3) Shaming someone for any kind of bodily function is. There are many ways to respond to unfamiliar sex sounds: "whoa, yeah," cheerful laughter, "that was a good one," silence like nothing happened, moaning like it turned you on, or moaning to move on! You might also speak up and ask for a different position that's less noisy. (4) Not asking for what you need is a big ol' mistake.

Another mistake is (5) not knowing what you need. As in, not taking stock of your own sexual health and pleasure. What do you need to feel safer during sex? What kinds of touch are enjoyable? How much time and privacy are important for you? Do you need to be warm, clean, and connected to play? Find out through masturbation!

One mistake I've made recently is (6) not putting a towel on the bed when one was needed to keep the sheets from getting bloody. Better than the mistake of (7) not having sex on my period, though. Red rhapsody feels great. I'm super excitable and orgasmic, there's a bunch of extra lube, and sex is amazing at relieving cramps and back pain! Amazing!

This doesn't mean you have to be into period sex or you've failed somehow if you aren't. We all have different sexualities and different desires. The mistake (8) is when we judge others' as inferior or superior to our own rather than appreciating diversity. I noticed with a lot of my clients they would compare their sex lives now to those of their past: in most cases upset that they were having more sex, more spontaneous sex, more adventurous sex... and now it's more work, less frequent, harder to find time and get in the mood. The mistake here? (9) Not taking a complete inventory of the past vs. the present. If they did a thorough reflection on the past, it would include the positives as well as the negatives.

Another mistake I think we all make is (10) not giving ourselves the opportunity to miss what we had and to be mad and sad about change. This applies to relationships, abuse you endured, or abuse perpetrated. Grieve for the you who didn't have the best communication skills, or wasn't given comprehensive sex education. Grieve the loss of your full erections. Then take action!

A common mistake I've made is (11) identifying a problem, then soaking in it. Like, "waaah." For example, spanking hurts me, but not in a good way, because my ass doesn't have a lot of padding. But instead of proposing that my partner aim intentionally or play in other ways, I foolishly expect them to be the solution, to read my mind and grab my butt instead.

(12) Mind reading, or rather attempting to mind read, is a huge source of error. When I want someone to read my mind and they don't – because they can't – it's disheartening. And when I think I can read their mind but actually can't, I end up scrambling things into a mess. I recently decided that my partner thinks sex is too easy when I moan a lot. In my mind, he misses the challenge of working for it. "I'm too easy. I'm not what he wants. Waaah!"

This isn't real. This relates to a bigger problem of (13) assuming things rather than asking. Wires get crossed and everyone's frustrated. Here are some examples: "I came, so sex is over." The other person (usually a woman) doesn't want to come or need to come. Or, "orgasm definitely happened!" (Even though it definitely didn't happen.) An antidote for this thinking is communicating: "How can we get you off?" "How does this feel?" "What would you like more of?" That's making sure that you don't assume that they're good without climax.

Another mistake which I've made is (14) assuming that they're not good unless they climax. Like, "You must want to come," "Let's get you off," "Have an orgasm." Not all sexual activity has to include orgasm, though, and in fact you or your partner may not want it to. Don't make the mistake of assuming sex or penetration or orgasm is the goal.

Also, (15) please don't assume that what worked before will work again. I had a partner who liked me pulling on his scrotum to hold off orgasm, so I did this with another partner assuming it would get the same reaction.... nope. Literally different strokes for different folks.

And in my case, I need different strokes depending on the time of month. For years I made the mistake of (16) not tracking my hormones. I didn't want to know! I just wanted go with the flow. But now that I keep a daily log of my emotions and my cycle, I know when my skin is going to be sensitive or why I'm feeling spiky and I can give the people around me a heads-up.

Colby Marie has a blog where she lists the three big bedroom blunders people make and has (17) not prioritizing sex as number one. She writes, "Sex has numerous mental, physical, emotional and social health benefits. We make it a point of prioritizing other activities that provide these benefits (such as doctor appointments, going to the gym, etc.), but will often neglect sexytime because it doesn't seem as 'important.'" Agreed.

A little mistake, which is easy to make, is (18) saying something during sex that your partner can't hear. Like if you're holding my face to tell me that you love me and this position feels so good, I can't hear you because you're covering my ears! Sexy talk, dirty talk, open communication: they all need a clear voice and nice volume.

Mistake: (19) getting tested for sexually transmitted infections during the window period (when you can't determine whether or not the results are accurate) and then using those potentially inaccurate results to describe your status. Make sure you understand what your test results mean and when it's safest to have sex.

According to the Guttmacher Institute, nearly half of all pregnancies are unplanned. So the mistake: (20) not using contraception correctly or at all. Identify ways to prevent the pregnancies you don't want and put those plans in place correctly.

Last one, at least for today, is (21) the mistake of thinking good sex is natural. It's not: we naturally have mediocre sex. The good parts of it come from masturbation, open communication, expanding our understanding of sexuality, and staying curious. Stay curious!



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