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Last sync:2023-08-26 13:30
In which John struggles through the difficult ethical decisions that GTA presents.
John: Hello, it's, it's me, John Green. You may remember me from being the person who's just trying to play Grand Theft Auto in a way that's commensurate with his own values. It isn't going well so far. I've had to skip several missions just to not kill people, and now I am in a car with these, well, I appear to be in a high speed chase with a man with a mullet, and I am... Oh gosh. Oh goodness gracious. I wish you wouldn't. And it's quite, it seems like it's quite an icy day and, oh, the driver is deceased now. This, things are not going well at all. Is that me? I look a little bit like Liev Schreiber.

I'll take it you know. The only good thing about this game so far is that I'm better looking in the game than I am in real life.

Trevor: Come on! Let's get to the chopper!

John: Well I don't... Woah! Drive to the helicopter pick up point. Okay, but how do I go forward? Uh, I got out of the car by accident. No! I'm not mad at him, I just want to get back at the... No! I want to get into the car! The car was my happy place. Am I deceased already? Gosh! (Laughs)

Okay I can do this guys, I know how to drive a car, I just have to figure out the right buttons to drive it with. In real life I am an excellent driver of cars. Now that doesn't seem like it's a good... Woah okay.

Man: If we move quick, we can beat the train.
Man: We're getting there!

John: Oh, oh I'm moving forward! I'm moving forward! here we go now. There's no reason to exceed the speed limit though in this situation. Not least because we've committed a number of crimes to find ourselves here. Okay, right up against the guard rail there, just like you do it in real life. Those a police officers. Oh! We beat the train.

Man: * them, man!

Woah! No need to curse. I feel like I have found myself with (Bleep) don't really represent my values but, um, there's just nothing I can do except try to... Okay, that wasn't ideal. Okay. Mmm. Mmm. Okay, well. Did I get hit by the train? I did, I did. Well was it bad for me? Am I hurt?

Michael: You guys alright?

John: No we're good, we're fine. Meredith, it's all part of the game. Sometimes you get hit by a train.

Trevor: Come on! Ditch the car, alright? We can go this way to the chopper.
No, hey! Stick to the plan.

John: Stick to the plan! I agree.

Michael: Stick to the * plan!

John: Woah, no need to curse, but Liev Shreiber and I are on the same page here. Which is good because I think we're the same person, although I'm not positive. OK! So, it's, let's just think. It's winter time, we have some money. There's a bad guy. Come on! Why? Why would you do it?

Trevor: Someone must have  * talked!
Michael: Alright. Brad's gonna be fine but we gotta get the * out of here.

John: Okay. Woah! Wha... that's me! I'm Liev Schreiber! Why did you shoot me!?

Michael: T, you gotta get out of here.

John: Eh, what? Meredith! This world is full of bad, bad people. All of them, I can't help but note, men. Oh man. This is terrible. Now we're gonna get arrested for sure. Oh, there's a bad, there's one there. I'm not trying to shoot anyone. I'm not shooting anyone for the record, because that would be wrong. What I'm doing is I'm trying to keep other people from getting shot. (Beep) I'm trying to shoot high. Um, uh, and hold off the police officers. And what's happening now?

Am I? Wait. Am I balding? Wha, don't shoot him! He's just a child! It's David Spade! Don't shoot little David Spade. Oh, he was a great character, he was great in News Radio with Phil Hartman. Okay, yeah no. Serious... Okay. No. Why would you send these two police... I am just trying to get on to a helicopter! I have apologized repeatedly and died five times as a result of my bank robbery.

Um, no. I'll tell you where I wanna go! Nope!

Man: What the?

John: Yeah I agree. That seemed like an overreaction. Here, walk into the cactus. Does it hurt!? Can... Hit the cactus! Hit it! Yeah! Oh, we're mad! I'm mad at this cactus! It hasn't been good to me! 

Can I buy this house? It's foreclosed. How do I... Hold on. I'd like to call the number. Let's see if I can just get the number there. No, don't look in the window! That's inappropriate. We don't know if someone lives there. I'd like to just, I'd like to bring up my phone Gosh! They went to all that trouble just to teach me how to bring up a phone and now apparently I don't have it.

I guess it's too soon to buy the, it's too soon to buy that house. So... I was hoping that I could just buy a house and live out my days happily. I'm just gonna take a little jog. Choose one of the cars?

Lamar: Come on. Which one of these * do you want?

John: Well I don't know how to express a preference. (Laughs) I don't,  I mean I've hit all the buttons. Oh! I did it! I still don't know what I pushed. Nope, that was backwards. Why do I have to follow Lamar? I have no trust in him whatsoever. (Phone rings)

Lamar: Right up here, homie. I'm 'bout to go nice and slow for yo' *.

John: Hey this is... Okay. God I'm a good driver! I'm gonna... You know what Lamar? I'm gonna do the best thing for both of us because I don't trust you and I don't wanna work with you anymore.

Franklin: Eh, remember we got to be careful with these rides, homie. 'Cause Simeon ain't...

John: Oh no! Sorry Lamar, I've gotta go back. I gotta go back here, I've got to check on this woman. Oh God, that's not good. We're gonna need to call the police. Lamar.

Franklin: I'm good.

John: We're gonna need to... What?. Ah. Because I tried to help a woman? I hit her! I felt terrible! There was a... You can't be a hitter and runner! This game! This game completely fails to follow anything approaching my ethical standards for what's acceptable behavior. I hit that young woman, it was an accident, it was a terrible accident. I was just trying to catch up with Lamar. I feel terrible about it and then they tell me that I did the wrong thing?