Good Morning Hank, it’s Tuesday If there’s one thing I’ve learned  from 104 year old Elisabeth Sullivan it’s that if you want to have a long and happy life, drink Dr. Pepper.

Elisabeth: This stuff is good, it’s got sugar in it, and three-- two doctors have told me that if I drink it, I will die. But they died first.

John: So today I am going to be blind test tasting Dr. Pepper, Diet Dr. Pepper, and three meaningless knock offs.

Hold on actually, I have to go vote. Aaand I have voted, and implore you to do the same. Alright, let’s taste a real one and some fake ones.

Uhhhhg. You know what it tastes like?  It tastes kind of like, if Dr. Pepper were John Coletrane’s "A Love Supreme", this would be uuuh…  "I can also blow into a saxophone".

Alright onto number two. Oh… mmmmm… aah…. that is Diet Dr. Pepper.  It’s not sweet, I guess there’s a tiny chance it’s the Whole Foods Dr. Pepper. Like, the Zevia Dr. Pepper, but I-- I’m almost positive that’s Diet Dr. Pepper, so, I’m gonna try the third one now Oh boy..

Mmmm… Holy crap that’s bad. Wow! That makes the first one taste like A Love Supreme. Wow! Jesus Christ!

That’s worse than water. It tastes way too cherry,-- the thing you have to understand about Dr. Pepper is that Dr. Pepper was invented by Charles Alderton, who was a chemist. And this is essential to understanding what makes Dr. Pepper interesting. It was the product of a chemist. And the chemist wasn’t trying to make a soda that tasted like lemon lime or like citrus, he was trying to make a soda that tasted like the soda fountain at the Waco pharmacy smelled. He wanted it in its essence to be artificial. This tastes like it is going for a taste, which is all wrong. Like, you don’t want to go for cherry, or go for cola, or go for sassafras roots and have a root beer. You want to go for the way the human heart wants a soda to taste.

By the way, if that’s Dr. Pepper, I retire. I retire from public life, I walk away, I do something else with the rest of my life.

Let’s go to number four. [mouth smacking sound] Oh, I feel even more confident now. Mm! It’s so bad. Jesus Christ!

Mm, [mouth smacking sound] I’m - I mean I guess it could be Mr. Pibb. Let me go back to taste number one. No. No. [Sigh] I’m like eighty, ninety percent sure that’s Dr. Pepper. The complexity! It reminds me of Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Do I contradict myself?Very well, then I contradict myself, I contain multitudes. That contains multitudes.

Hold on, I want to compare it - what I think is Diet Dr. Pepper,  make sure that I’m right. Oh yeah, I mean that’s gotta be it, right?

Those are like the same cord played at a different octave, you know? Part of what makes Diet Dr. Pepper so magical - like for a long time their catch phrase was "It tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper, which it really does, because, like, if I’m right - hold on - I - let me - you know what? Before I start talking a big game, I should taste the fifth one.

It’s not bad. I just feel like I’ve been so confident and somewhat cavalier, and now I’m starting to second guess myself. Like, I'm - I think - I think... I - that is Diet Dr. Pepper.

[Sigh] That is very sugary... and it has some layers,  but it’s not Dr. Pepper, I don't think.

It has a similar problem to the first one, which is that there’s plenty of sugar, there’s plenty of sweetness, but there isn't that... multitudinous. Now I'm getting nervous. I know what Diet Dr. Pepper and Dr. Pepper taste like. Okay John, one more time.
That is Diet Dr. Pepper.

Please, God, be Diet Dr. Pepper, I’m gonna be in so much trouble if you’re not. Yes... yes! Okay, then this is one hundred percent Dr. Pepper. Yes! Oh, thank goodness.

The remaining three, it doesn't actually matter to me that much, because they’re not Dr. Pepper, that's - that’s the important thing. Um, I’m gonna guess that the really really bad one is the Whole Foods Dr. Pepper.

It almost tastes like cough syrup, to be honest with you. Yes!

[Sigh] So I - I think, this is the umm... Kroger one, Dr. K, because it’s better.

And in my experience anyway store brand knockoffs are actually better than, like, Coke or Pepsi knockoffs.

Dr K? Oh, Mr. Pibb! They call it "Spicy Cherry Soda". Well, I’ll tell you one thing that it’s not... spicy.

Now I know what you’re wondering Hank, "John, how are you going to turn this into a sock commercial?" Don’t you worry your pretty little face.

So Dr. Zevia is like ugly socks that get holes quickly that also have, like, uncomfortable seams.

Then we have, like, cool-ish socks that just get holes in them really fast so they don’t turn out to be that cheap 'cause you can’t wear 'em that many times.

Then for me the Mr. Pibb of socks is like, fancy socks, like, uh, these socks are supposed to be for working out, and they have all of these bells and whistles, but the thing is I prefer to work out in my Awesome Socks socks, because they’re just more comfortable.

Then we come to the Dr. Pepper of socks. The Awesome Socks. These socks are perfect, and one hundred percent of the proceeds go to charity. That actually is a distinct difference between our company and Dr. Pepper.

I know you’re wondering, "but John, what is the Diet Dr. Pepper of socks?", well I’ll tell you: Our new ankle socks, which I don’t have with me because we just started making them.

So whether you like ankle socks or regular socks: awesomesocks.club, link in the dooblydoo, Hank, I will see you on Friday.