E. Lockhart & Maureen Johnson: Good morning Hank!

John: Those are world-famous writers Maureen Johnson and E. Lockhart. By the way, the Brotherhood 2 website looks awesome.

It's 6:30 in the morning, I am extremely tired, and I have a long day of writing ahead of me. So we're gonna make this quick, and we're gonna do it school style.

First period: Math. I would like to briefly explain the 70/42 mishap. What happened was that I incorrectly believed, and indeed have always believed, that each minute contains 100 seconds. Were that to be true, there would be 70 5-second segments in each 3 minute and 30 second period.

It turns out, and this is extraordinarily difficult news for me to accept, that each minute only contains sixty seconds, and therefore there's only 42 5-second segments in each 3 minute and 30 second period. This is a tragedy not only for the American minute, but also for me personally. It makes the fact that the first draft of my new novel is due in 8,640 minutes 40 percent more terrifying.

Second period: It's supposed to be history, but your teacher is lazy and all you ever do is watch TV shows he taped. Hank, I feel like one of my duties to you, as the brother who does own a working television, is to keep you informed periodically about what's going on in the world of entertainment. Paula Abdul has a drug problem. Ivanka Trump is improbably attractive.

Period Three: Physical Education. Hank, the Bears are just one game away from the Super Bowl, and if I have my way, I will be filming Brotherhood 2.0 from the Super Bowl.

Fourth Period: English. Hank, your Battle of the Books inspired me to have my own Battle of the Books because I thought that your Battle of the Books was hilarious, and then I thought maybe my Battle of the Books could be kind of like a pale imitation, and people would laugh and say "well, it's good, but it's not as funny as Hank's" and you know, that's pretty much my goal with this thing.

Round one: The American edition of Looking for Alaska versus the Dutch edition of Looking for Alaska.

(American): Hey, how's it goin?

(Dutch): OK, how are you?

(American): Hey, why don't you have an accent?

(Dutch): Uh, I don't, I don't do accents, I think they're weird.

(American): AAAHHHRRRAAARAARAA (pants)

(in high voice): Oh wait, no! It's the Danish edition of Looking for Alaska! Dodadoodadoodadooo!

And the British edition! Wait are the British on the American sides? Or are they on the Dutch sides? Oh my God, they're for Europe, not America!

It wasn't until I started editing that that I realized: Oh my God, I am such a loser. I can't even bring myself to show you the Hemingway versus Faulkner one, it's even more embarrassing.

Announcements: Hank, could you possibly mail me some of the misprinted EcoGeek business cards, just like, five of them? Thanks. You can get my address from Mom and Dad. Also, can we agree to have our Happy Dance compilation video done around the end of February?
Okay, okay, okay. Big day, big day, big day, big day. 2,000 words, 2,000 words, 2,000 words, 2,000 words. Okay, I'm gonna go back to bed.