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In which Hank goes to the mall...and then thinks too hard about Christmas.


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good morning, John.

It's Black Friday. And Katherine and I have come to the mall in order to attempt to not buy things. Now I know what you're thinking.

It's really kind of a strange strategy to try and not buy things by going to the mall, but it is probably the most interesting place to not buy things. Because you get to look at all the people who are buying things, and what they're buying, and why. So far I've been pretty unsuccessful in this attempt to not buy things because I came without a tape.

And so I had to go to Radio Shack and buy a mini-dv tape, but that is the only thing I'm going to buy. I promise. As our first accomplishment in our attempt to go to the mall and not buy things.

Katherine is actually coming out money positive as she just found $28 on the floor of the bathroom stall, and we're keeping it. Now I can't deny that people are looking at me weird, but I'm looking at them weird too. So I'm calling it a wash.

Have you ever been at Abercrombie & Fitch? 'Cause I had never gone in Abercrombie & Fitch before today, and oh my God. I thought it was where the popular people shop. Is it, is it a gay store?

I don't mean gay in the derogatory way that people sometimes use it now a days. Because that is not cool. 'Gay' synonymous with 'lame'. Like, can you think of a worse insult?

No, I mean gay like homosexual. There are men with no clothes all over the walls doing this. [Hank puts finger on lower lip mocking A&F poster] How is this the popular person store? It's the gay person store!

Seriously, my mind is made up. Abercrombie & Fitch is gayer than both Claire's and the beef sticks stand. Anyway John, I didn't go to the mall to make fun of Abercrombie & Fitch, though that was a wonderful perk, I want to the mall to try and sort out some of my feelings about Christmas.

John, kind of over it. I'm having a really hard time caring about Christmas, and I don't think I'm alone. It's as if we all get a bunch of time off of work so that we can be even more stressed out.

Finally, we have some time in which we are not churning away making money, and now we get to freak out about trying to spend it all. Does this sound like a horrible idea to anyone else? So that's really mostly why we went to the mall.

I wanted to see the people, spending all of their money. So that I could understand, but I still don't understand. You know how I feel about money.

I like having it. I hate spending it. So Christmas is obviously contrary to the way that I behave.

But I just want to say to people, family and friends and fun have nothing to do with stuff, stuff, and stuff. People love you! People love me!

The people that love us don't want our money. They want our time. They want to know we care, and buying something for someone doesn't work anymore.

I think that in America now, we don't want more stuff. I don't want more stuff. I want less stuff.

I don't want your money. I don't want your stuff. I want your time.

And that's what I want to give people this year. Instead of working my ass off trying to make more money so that I can give people more stuff. I'm going to cut out the middle man and I'm just going to give people my time.

Here's my time. [Hank opens his hands toward the camera.] It's for you, John. It's for you, Nerdfighters. It's for all the people that I love in the world.

Just ask, I'll give it to you. I did have trouble not buying a pretzel though. And also I wanted this moose head.

John, I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry, no scavenger hunt clue today... I have no excuse...