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In which John continues to answer real questions from real nerdfighters. The Wimbly Womblys play Plymouth Argyle.

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Twitter: @AFCWimblyWombly


Hello and welcome to Hankgames Without Hank, my name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, today taking on Plymouth Argyle football club. Their crest has a boat on it, so I assume that they are either near the shore or else that they love pirates as much as I do.

(0:16) Regardless, good luck to Plymouth Argyle. Um. You bond timber-loving Argyllians. Arglyers. Guileless arbours. We're gonna win, let's face it. We've got John Green and John Green! They haven't been- you know, I don't know if you've noticed this, but they have not been connecting, the last few games. I had a talk to both of them, where I basically said "I don't know what's going on boys, but I need to see better performances out of both of yas".

(0:44) We're back in second place as you can see. We're five points clear of Barnsley, which means that we're still in the automatic promotion spots. Uh, but it's tight down there. It's tight up there at the top, so we've got a lot to play for still. Um, it's not like last season where we can sort of uh, take it easy, and let the chips fall where they may. This is serious business here in Wimbly Wombly land.

(1:04) Oh, Other John Green just got called for a foul because he did absolutely nothing wrong!

(1:07) Meredith is going to ask questions- last time we answered just one question in the whole video, and I now feel that that was perhaps not enough questions. So let's answer a bunch of questions! Real questions from real Wimbly Wombly supporters.

 Question one

(1:19) Meredith, go! (pause) Favorite color as a child? It was- it was green. Still my favorite color today, by the way! Um, there's just something about it... I think it's a lovely color, and it's also a lovely name.

  Question two 

(1:33) Would I consider writing fantasy? You know, I've tried to write- I'm a huge fantasy fan, um... Not as big as Hank, certainly, but- but pretty big. And I tried to write fantasy in the past, and I'm just not good at it.

(1:44) In fact like, I once tried to write Scott Westerfeld fan-fiction, um, because I'm a big Scott Westerfeld fan, and I thought it would be fun to try to write Scott Westerfeld fan-fiction. And I was really bad at it unfortunately. But I- I might try again, who knows. Life is long and I really- I really do love reading fantasy.

(2:01) But there's a lot of things that I like reading that I'm not actually that good at writing. Um... Uh, you know, like- I really love good historical fiction. I think like- I just love like, big, rich, historical fiction, like Octavian Nothing by M T Anderson, or um, oh, you know, like-

(2:17) Oh, God. Oh, that made me nervous for a second. Um, I love The Good Lord Bird, uh, that was one of the best books I read all year. Um. But um, I'm terrible- that's another thing I really can't write. 'Cause I'm always just like "how did people get around without cars?"

  Question three 

(2:33) Um. (laughing) What's my next question? (pause) Best/worst pancake topping? Um- really, the only appropriate pancake toppings are as follows: blueberry - acceptable. Walnut - acceptable if with bananas. Walnut without bananas - weird, but with bananas, acceptable. Other blueberry toppings- I mean, other pancake toppings are utterly unacceptable. Disgusting, gross... Why would you ruin pancakes?

(3:02) Um, all of these newfangled attempts to have like, pancakes that are- that are not sweet but instead are like, savoury or umami or whatever. They put hamburger meat in pancakes or they put- um, I don't know. Tofu in your pancakes? It's reprehensible. Um, it's unacceptable to me.

(3:21) Uh, yeah. I also don't like powdered sugar on my pancakes. It looks weird. It looks like a drug. I don't like it.

  Question four 

(3:28) What's next? (pause) Where do I begin with reorganizing my bookshelf? Well, I use- I use Goodreads um, uh, to help me know what I own. Um, and then I have a private Goodreads on which I basically have my own library catalogue. I had it on LibraryThing for a long time, but then that just kind of went away as a site. Um, and yeah. So that's what I do. I just use Goodreads and it works really well.

(3:55) So I would just put all of your books into Goodreads. If you have like, thousands of books, you can actually buy a UPC scanner for like, fifteen, twenty dollars...

(4:03) Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it! Ohhhh, you gotta get that on goal sir, or pass it to ya Bamba! It's up to you. Don't you feel like Other John Green has not been himself the last three games? Zero goals, very few attempts on goal and all of our goals have been scored by either green eggs and Sheringham or ya Bamba. Um, and that's a very weird situation.

(4:22) We are used to relying heavily on goals from the John Greens and they just have not been there in the world class skill level! And I don't really know why. Any suggestions are welcome. I know you guys are always trying to get me to change up my- um- that's gotta be a foul for me- yeah yeah yeah yeah. I know you guys are always trying to get me to change up my formation, but I love my formation! There's nothing wrong with it.

  Question five 

(4:41) Um, yeah. What's my next question, Meredith? (pause) The greatest issue facing those born between 1980 and 2000? Um... I mean... In, like, Americans born between 1980 and 2000 is probably different from people- I think like the greatest issue facing the world for those born between- get it in there! Bald John Green! Why can't you get a shot on goal?!

(5:04) I think the biggest issue for- um, for people uh, who are born between 1980 and 2000 will be um, dealing with uh, the repercussions of um, of our changing climate... As, you know, we have more- I think that it's gonna be a big economic problem, but I also think it's gonna be a big political and social problem. Um, I think that will be the biggest issue.

(5:28) But like, the biggest- you know, there's also like, the continuing problem of um- of hunger and poverty. I mean, I think we have a tremendous opportunity in the next thirty years to really radically reduce, or continue, I should say- continue to radically reduce the amount of poverty- the number of people living in absolute poverty around the world.

(5:50) I mean, right now we have a couple billion people living on less than two dollars a day, and I think we can um- we can decrease the absolute number of that- that number- that number in absolutes- and- as the population increases, which would allow us to, you know, decrease the percentage of people on Earth living in absolute poverty dramatically.

(6:08) Like, I think um- you know, I think we could see um- many, many, many, many countries with- with a rising middle-class, just by making investments in aid and infrastructure and basic health investments. And I think- you know, this is obvious to say, but you start out with so many advantages in life just by virtue of having a healthy birth weight. Just by virtue of having a mother who had adequate nutrition.

(6:40) You know, you just start out- and then if you can have- if you can be healthy until the age of five, you have massive advantages in life in terms of your um- you know, your chances at- at education, economic productivity... All of that stuff. It just changes dramatically.

(6:57) So like, as we make those investments, they pay off way- they pay off times- you know, by- in orders of magnitude. It's really cool to see that happen, and I think it's been happening since- you know, since about 1980 - certainly since 1990. But I think it's a tremendous opportunity that we have, now that we really seem to have figured something out about how to decrease poverty in a lasting way. So yeah, that's what I think is cool but they were probably asking me about like, jobs and stuff. I don't know.

 Question six

(7:28) But yeah, what's next? (pause) What do I look for when signing players? Um - I used to look for like, "are they gingers and do they have funny names?" But now I look for: "are they good?" I unfortunately I have like the world transfer market turned on, so it's really difficult to tell who's good and who's not, which makes it very difficult to trade for players. Particularly when you don't have a budget of any money, like we don't in the Wimbly Wombly community.

(7:52) By the way, I'm moving to attacking 'cause we've gotta find a way to score a goal. This is Plymouth Argyle, you know, not Roma. We can't be losing this game. Oh, God! Terrible pass! Horrible pass! Oh no! Oh, God. Seb Brown! Seb Brown. Somebody go and give that beautiful man a hug.

(8:11) Seb Brown saved two penalties against Luton Town to put us into the football league, then saved two penalties against Manchester City to make us heroes, um, and FA cup winners. And then with a beautiful save against Plymouth Argyle here in the sixtieth minute, to keep our dreams alive, ladies and gentlemen!

(8:28) Alright. What was the question, Meredith? I lost track because of Seb Brown being so incredibly good-looking and talented. Oh yeah! So I- I mean, I just try to look for who's the best and the positions that we need. But of course, on the other hand, we need all the positions, so that makes it challenging at times.

(8:45) Um, yeah, I mean, we gotta- I know what we need to improve dramatically. We need better back-ups to John Green and John Green. I think we rely a lot on our two strikers. And they're great, but we need - um, they're not young. And we need good back-ups for them. Um, you know - they've been in the TARDIS for a long, long time and it's - I don't think you get any younger in that thing. Um - and uh - so we need that, and then we need - we need a better- I think we've got a pretty good future in midfield between um, Hells Pells and um, and the Gaulden child and Kaz.

(9:21) Oh, God! Ohhh, man, this is tense! This is tense. I'm playing with my controller over my head. We've gotta make some substitutions here guys, this is getting nervous.

 Question seven

(9:31) Um, Meredith, what's my next question? (pause) If I had a pet armadillo, what would I name it? Lots of people have been naming their pets Alaska and Augustus and Hazel recently, which makes me very happy. Um- so maybe I would name it after one of my characters. Is that weird? That's probably weird. Um... What else could I name- what else could I name this hypothetical armadillo? I could name it Dilly! Or Dillo. Or Lida. Lida's a nice name for an armadillo!

(10:01) You know what this game needs, Meredith? Frampton comes alive! In for Lizzy Bennett. That's what we needed! That's the change of pace we need. And we're about to get it! Let's go, boys! Let's do this thing!

(10:16) Ooooh, just like the pros do. Three uh, three changes all at once. God, you're good looking- look at that perfect facial symmetry. Five-day beard! Love it. I love it. Kennedy's coming off. So that's gonna improve the quality of hair on the club dramatically, right away.

 Question eight

(10:36) Um... What's the next question? (pause) Who would I bring back from the dead? There's a bunch of people I'd like to! Like, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln... I'd like to bring back Jesus and Mohammad from the dead. Just be like, "how much of this did you guys mean?"

(10:52) Um... And then uh. I don't know! What else- who else would I like to bring back from the dead? Ohhh, geez. Always wanted to talk to Zora Neale Hurston. She lived in Orlando for a long time, like I did, but in a very different kind of Orlando. Or- I mean, not in Orlando, but in central Florida. And I've always kind of wanted to talk to her.

(11:16) Um... It'd be nice to talk to like, real writer geniuses. Just about their genius. Like, it'd be nice to talk to your Jane Austens, your Charlotte Brontes... William Shakespeare. Um- oh, God! Everything worked out. He was offside. He was being naughty.

(11:35) Yeah, we're just kind- we're just struggling in this game guys. There's no two ways about it. There's no good way to say it. Eighty-second minute! It's looking like a standard Wimbly Wombly nil-nil draw at the moment, which would not be a good result for us against Plymouth Argyle, it must be said. But we just don't have- I just don't see the boys playing with the enthusiasm that I'd like to see.

(11:54) That's- that's not bad! But ya Bamba's like, not going for balls and stuff. That's not good.

 Question nine

(12:00) Alright, what's my next question, Meredith? (pause) When I eat tacos, do I tilt my head or the taco? It's a brilliant question. Almost as good as "would you rather eat ten pine cones or poop five?"

(12:13) Uh- I think I tilt the taco, which is weird, when I think about it now. Like, I should definitely- oh, God! What are you doing?! Ohhh! What in the sweet name of the Lord were you thinking, in that situation?! Good God!

 End of the game

(12:28) Alright. Ninetieth minute. (pause) Push! Push, K Sainte Luce! Yes! Yessssss! YES! Oh, my God! Ohhh, it's Other John Green in the ninetieth minute! Other John Green, get down and kiss Wimbly Lane's beautiful turf! (sings) He's big, he's tough, he has a ginger puff, Other John Green, Other John Green! (talks) With the last touch of the ball, Other John Green puts it in the back of the net and fans of the Wimbly Womblys all over the world are going nuts, as we just ensured three points - three vital points in our race to try to get to the championship! Other John Green! Oh, our captain, our hero! Back on the scoreboard! Huzzah! Huzzah!

(13:21) What was the question? (pause) Yeah, I think I tilt my head when I eat tacos. Thanks for watching! Best wishes.