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In which John tells the story of Bald John Green and Other John Green

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Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green and I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. There you see Bald John Green, with his beautiful mustache and small goatee. [heavy sigh] FIFA, why did you get rid of the mustache as a facial hair option? It's not like people stopped growing mustaches.

So, uh, as you can see today we're playing in front of a gigantic crowd. Listen, we're just getting started. All right? Few thousand people here, that's the important thing, and uh, there's, uh, there's- we're getting a lot of attention on Bald John Green, which is beautiful because I love looking at his bald head and also because today I want to talk about the extraordinary love story that truly spans time and space between Bald John Green and Other John Green. Other John Green, our captain for the day.

FIFA has made great leaps forward in terms of the quality of the handshake between the referee and the captain, um, and I'd like to congratulate them on that. In many ways I think this is not a significantly superior game, um, however: um, in that way it is definitely, definitely a huge leap forward.

Today we're starting the Moores, uh, in left and center midfield. John Green and John Green up front, and our keeper who got absolutely no, uh- I don't think he had a single touch of the ball in the previous game. Um, it was a truly heroic performance from the Wimbly Womblys. And, uh, so we didn't really have much need of a goalkeeper. Um, but anyway he's back there. Doin' his, doin' his goalkeeper thing.

Um, so, you know, for those of you who don't know- really, the heart of, um, the heart of this club, and the heart of any club that they're on is John Green and John Green. These two guys, um, who met at a training camp, um.... I don't know how much you know about the world of, like, uh.... Anyway, they weren't great players when they started out, so they were playing, uh, you know, they were getting a lot of tryouts with lower-league teams, and, uh, not making a ton of progress, both of them separately.

Um, neith-both of them at the time were not openly gay, but did know that they were gay and in many, many cases their teammates knew. Um, Other John Green was actually, like, playing on a, um, basically, like, what amounts to a pub side, um, although he is American and, uh, just living in England trying to find a way to live his professional soccer dream. And, um, and then eventually they both, um, they both, uh, caught the attention of a non-league team in the fifth tier, um, and they both ended up on that team at the same time and while they were there, they, um, they fell in love.

And um, uh, came out to their teammates there, and found that there was blessedly little, uh, homophobia- I mean there is definitely, these days there's definitely some chants, you definitely hear stuff from the opposing... opposing teams, but um, you know, we don't give a lot of, uh, we don't give a lot of attention to that, we think that that's, uh- yeah, we think kind of the best way of dealing with that is to, um.. uhh, you know, is to say that we don't find it, we don't find it acceptable, and also you'll notice it doesn't work, 'cause all we do is win. OHHH, I thought that was gonna be perfectly timed.

So that's how they got together, Bald John Green and Other John Green. Um, and then eventually they went to play for many years for Swindon, um, in, uh, FIFA 11 and FIFA- and then used the TARDIS to go to FIFA 12, and then used the TARDIS again to go to FIFA 13. And that's, um, that's really where the trouble began, because Bald John Green was dissatisfied with some of the ways that I was managing the club, um, and Other John Green felt like, uh, it was necessary to be loyal to me, um...

And eventually Bald John Green left the club, went to Barcelona, and um, Other John Green stayed with Swindon, and then Bald John Green, dissatisfied with the world of, uh, big, you know, top-tier Champions League football, um, basically left and decided to join AFC Wimbledon, a club that he'd always loved. Bald John Green is English, um, and he's from London, and he always, uh, he loved Wimbledon growing up and was horrified by what happened to them in the early 2000s and just thought it would be a great opportunity- aww, speaking of great opportunities, that was one.

See, that was a nice, that was a nice hook that I had there. Um, it just set it up, put it right at his feet, and then not such a finisher. This game seems to rely more on midfielders than on strikers. The MOORES TO BALD JOHN GREEN, OH, cleared off the line! Cleared off the line, that's a difficult thing to accept, but it was great defense by mighty Scunthorpe. Playing Scunthorpe United, by the way.

Um, so... this also turned out, it turns out- I didn't know this at the time, but this was also a difficult time in their marriage. All- you know, marriage is, uh, marriage is kind of supposed to be hard, I think, but anytime you're away from your spouse for extended periods of time- I know this because I travel a lot for work, like, it's just really difficult, because the, you know, one person comes home wanting, um, wanting Thing A, and another person comes home, uh, wanting Thing B.

Like, you come home from a work trip and you're like, "Oh my god, I'm so tired," and the other, you know, your spouse is like, "Really, you're so tired, well here's a thousand things that have been piling up while you've been out, you know, cavorting with Barcelona. Um, you know, and like, enjoying the sunshine and all of the, uh, the wondrous, the wondrous things about, about Spain, while I've been stuck here in- I don't wanna talk bad about it- Swindon." Which is not, certainly, known for its physical beauty. Um, although they do have a lovely roundabout.

Um, and I will always- listen, I'm always gonna love Swindon. I don't even know if- if we ever get, if we're ever so lucky as to be promoted into League One, I don't even know if I can play Swindon, I might have to just OHHHOHOHOHO, you gotta get that on target, Sweet Baby Gene. Oh, nil - nil draw here at halftime. Scunthorpe United versus the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. It's a tight one.

All right. So, um.... It was a tough time in their marriage, um, but it's been really great to see them back reunited, because they are- I think they are at their closest and at their happiest when they are playing together. I mean, you know, they met when playing together, they fell in love when playing together, they've really, you know, all of their best me- many of their, like, best memories of being a couple are things that occurred on the football pitch. You know, winning the, uh, winning the FA Cup together, or winning League One together, I mean, these are, you know, magical, magical moments that they got to share which is so- AAAH HO HO, speaking of which!

What a finish! Do the robot, do the robot! John Green, A. Bennett! Oh, [singing] ♫ he's big, he's tough, he has a brilliant puff, Other John Green, Other John Green, ♫ although we should really be singing the name of Bald John Green, because that was a beautiful use of the Y button. So, if any- maybe we should sing the name of Manager John Green. He doesn't get enough love. You know? The guy who pushes the buttons. Ohhh. Seriously. Where's my song?

Um. So, they've just, it's been great to see them kind of just blossom back together in training camp and in the pre-season games and stuff. They're just, um, they're just loving playing together, and, and, um, and being, you know, and having lots of time together. It's just such a- I think it's such a relief in any relationship, like, if you're lucky enough to really, to like someone as a partner, you know, I mean, the- what I love about the word partner, I think that it does kind of like de-romanticize romantic relationships a lot of times but what I love about that word is that it acknowledges that a lot of what happens in a marriage is about, like, managing a family and managing a life together and building a life together, and not all of that has to do, or- in fact, relatively little of that has to do with, with what, like, we generally associate with romance, or with sexuality or anything.

A lot of it's just, like, the dirty- OHHH. Shoulda passed to your husband! He's looking at you and he's saying, "Look how open I was." Let's observe: see how his husband was like, "Put it at my feet, sir!" Oh, but Other John Green, it was just an exciting- he had an excited moment. And who can blame him? You know? This is so, it's so exciting to be part of a new team, and a team with such a great history, you know.

The support that we have had just in the first day from the fans has been absolutely overwhelming. It's, it's nuts around here! Um, and it really is special because we are owned by our fans, both the real-life- oh, get it get it get it get it get it what uh ohhhhhhoho, that was the weakest... Bald John Green has a very weak left foot. Um... like his namesake, me. Um, but that was one of the weakest left-footed shots I've ever seen out of him.

Uh, but yeah, it's just- because, you know, in a lot of ways, like, we have also- the Wimbly Womblys, just like the, uh, AFC Wimbledon that exists in the quote-unquote "real world" have, uh, are also now owned by our fans, because of course 100% of revenue from, um, 100% of revenue related to the Wimbly Womblys from YouTube advertising and whatever else happens, um, goes directly to support the real-life AFC Wimbledon.

So, um, so we're pretty psyched about that. Uh, and it's just been, yeah, it's just been a really cool- I don't know, it's just been- it's a thousand times more exciting because it feels like there's, uh, there's real stuff at stake now. Um, at least for me. Get it- ohhh, what a beautiful pass! Would you like to use the Y button one more time, one more time, ah god, Bald John Green was so open. If I could've just, if I could've just done a nice little one-time Y button thing, it would've been a beautiful, beautiful goal, but instead, instead it's still 1 - nil. But, you know, winning is winning.

Um. So, anyway, the thing that Bald John Green and Other John Green talked to me about before the game- and I probably shouldn't tell you about this 'cause it's personal, but whatever. Um, is that, uh... you know, they are now in their late 20's, um, they've been married for 6 years, they, you know, they, there is- I am a big believer, and I told them this, like, I'm a big believer in, if you can- you know, if you're not 37 years old when you get married, I think it's great to be married for a little while before you have kids.

I think it's great to kind of establish your marriage as a marriage before it's, you know, established as a kind of like parenting cooperative. Because inevitably, you know, parenting is time-consuming and it involves a lot of, like, being on the same page and, um, a lot of, like, discussions about stuff, and, you know, inevitably it becomes- get it get it get it get it get it Ohhhhh. So close. Um, inevitably it becomes, uh, you know, it becomes a big part of, it becomes a big part of any marriage.

But if you have those years before then, then you kind of have, like, a good foundation where you know each other, you know, like, you know what's really important to each other on the occasions that you do have when you're able to, like, go out and have a nice night together, you know- you kinda know what to do and you know what you like, it's just- at least for me, it was very useful to have that. And I talked to them about that, but they are, they're [whispers] interested in having a baby.

Which I just think would be the best. I would love, I mean, you know, it would be the first, I think it would be the first baby ever directly to come from a striking partnership. Um, so that would be pretty magical for me. Uh, yeah, I would be super into it. Oh, get that ball, John Green! Come on. It's just not- you know, he's a little- both Bald John Green and Other John Green in coming over, um, on the TARDIS from, uh, from the previous FIFA, are a little bit slower and a little bit less good, because I decided that was, you know, that's just true to their experience.

OHHH! OH! What a beautiful pass! What a gorgeous pass and then we can't finish, but you know what, that pass was worth its weight in gold because it shows the promise on this team, and the commitment of this team. I love seeing it! Ohhhh. Thank you for watching, go Wimbly Womblys, best wishes. Another great win, I don't th- again the keeper didn't touch the ball, but yes, we'll give you some credit. His name's Worn, Worner? Think of something funny for that. Best wishes. Oh a little belly tap!