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We've got great roasts AND DECAF:">

In which John goes behind the scenes to a deep, dark place full of strange creatures--a place called tumblr. But don't worry, everyone. I'm not a PERSON. I'm a COFFEE COMPANY THAT DONATES ITS PROFIT TO CHARITY. And a meme lord.">

The Awesome Coffee Club is so good! I love our coffee so much! And our decaf is INCREDIBLE. I did not know decaf coffee could be this delicious.


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Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday. So you didn't think I could take you behind the scenes of a deep dark place populated by strange creatures? Well joke's on you buddy because I'm back on Tumblr. That's right Hank, here's the behind the scenes of my new Tumblr, sort of mine.

Quick backstory: Tumblr is an ancient creaky social media platform known for its, uh, friendliness to brands, its abundance of ships, its, uh, fondness for copypasta. I felt very welcome on Tumblr when I joined in 2011, and then later, I-I felt less welcome and then eventually left. I would say that when I Tumblr, neither Tumblr nor I expected a reunion, but life is long, if you're lucky, and full of surprises.

So here's what happened, a while back I decided I didn't need a Twitter and so I turned my Twitter into the Awesome Coffee Club, which sends you the freshest, most delicious coffee you've ever encountered and then donates all of its profit to charity. Along with its cousin, the Awesome Socks Club, the Awesome Coffee Club is a really important of providing ongoing funding to fight maternal mortality in Sierra Leone, and I just thought, like, I shouldn't have a Twitter with all these followers, but the Awesome Coffee Club should, so I handed the password over to longtime nerdfighter Peyton and bid farewell to Twitter. But then I missed the social internet, partly because I missed making low-quality memes, like this one, about how Twitter wasn't a bad website, it-it was the worst one. And partly because I missed the adventure and the adrenaline and I guess the dread, and there was Tumblr lurking, as it always is, in the shadows. And so I had a long conversation with several loved ones in which they were like, "Please God, don't do this," and then I rejoined Tumblr, but as a coffee company.

I let the Tumblr algorithm pick my new username, sizzlingsandwichperfection-blog, and then I logged on, and much to my surprise, Tumblr is pretty fun. They collectively made a non-existent film from 1973 called Goncharov, they make a lot of art, they're still debating aspects of the television program Supernatural. It's kind of great. So anyway, I entered the fray, but not as myself, as a company company that definitely isn't a person.

Oh, by the way, today, the Awesome Coffee Club is launching our decaf roast. It's called "paradoxica," which like all of our roasts, is named after a Sierra Leonean butterfly, so now, whether you like light roasts, medium dark roasts, or decaf, the Awesome Coffee Club has 'ya covered at And that's basically what I post about, like I do sometimes answer questions, but mostly it's memes about how I was famously bullied off of Tumblr, but have now returned, not as a human being endowed with a soul, but as a coffee company that donates its profit to charity. I no longer want to be an individual with all of their inherent fragility, I want to be a company, which is also a person if you ask the U.S. Supreme Court.

I would rather draw 25 than be a person on the Internet again.

I am here to drink milk and sell coffee, and I just finished my milk.

Anyway, as I kept posting on Tumblr, I slowly began to invent the lore of myself. I started thinkin' about how I've done a fair amount of work for the Awesome Coffee Club, but I haven't been paid for it, and that's when I realized, Hank, I am the world's only ethically-sourced unpaid intern. 

And that is how I am on Tumblr. I am a coffee company that is run by a person, who is me, who is not being paid in any way to tell the truth, which is that the Awesome Coffee Club provides amazing coffee, now including decaf, to over 10,000 subscribers around the U.S. and Canada. And then donates a hundred percent of the profits to charity. And you should join us, maybe not on Tumblr, but definitely at

How is this gonna end? I mean brilliantly, of course Hank. It's gonna end with kittens and rainbows and joyous farewells just like my previous trip to Tumblr. No, of course, it's gonna in catastrophe, but I can never resist the social Internet, even if I know how it will end. You'll find a link in the doobly-doo to my Tumblr, and more importantly, to, which makes amazing coffee, now including decaf.

Hank, I'll see you on Friday.