Lizzie: I'm smiling today, good people of the internet! Why? Because the remodeling of my house - yes, my parents' house, I still live at home, what's your point - is almost done! And it's almost the end of another day, so... [takes out calendar and crosses off a day] that's two weeks, folks! Any minute now, my mother is going to call me to tell me that we can go back home, and I'm going to capture it live for you viewers.

Any minute.

Aaaaaaany minute now!

My name is Lizzie Bennet, and I'm dying to get out of here!

[Intro plays]

Lizzie: Does a watched phone never ring?

[knock knock knock]

Caroline [from off set]: It's Caroline!

Lizzie: Ah, come in!

[Caroline sits down next to Lizzie]

Caroline: Mind if I join you?

Lizzie: Not at all, but it's uh, not very interesting in here. I am anxiously waiting for a phone call from my mother...wow I never thought I'd say that...

Caroline: Is your house almost finished?

Lizzie: That's the rumor!

Caroline: Well you know we love having you here...I mean before you and Jane showed up, I was [shrug] all by myself with Darcy...and my brother. The more the merrier. How can I convince you to stay? [Lizzie starts to say something but Caroline cuts her off] Oh! I believe our chef is roasting a piglet tonight.

Lizzie: I, it's not you, it's...you are great. It's, uh, you know, it's me, I'm, uh....

Caroline: Lizzie Bennet did you just give me the "It's not you, it's me"?

Lizzie: Uh, no...well, yeah, but I, ugh, it's not either of us, it's uh, it's, it's my mother! Um, she can't live without us.

Caroline [skeptical]: Really?

Lizzie: And Charlotte hates editing these all by herself...

Caroline [Still not buying it]: Really?

Lizzie: Would you believe I miss Lydia?

Caroline: [smiles] Aw. [Gets serious] It's Darcy, isn't it.

Lizzie: Ugh, God, you'd think in a house this big, I wouldn't keep running into him! Lie just last night, you were all playing a game-

Caroline: Weren't you reading?

Lizzie: I was TRYING to read! Little did I know I was setting myself up for more Darcy scrutiny. Or as I shall now call it, Darceny. [switches trains of thought] Caroline! Would you like to join me for a rousing round of Darceny?

Caroline: Ooh! Is this where we dress up?

Lizzie [with a spatula acting as a microphone]: Welcome to another addition of Darceny! Here's our contestant, Caroline Lee.

[Caroline waves]

Lizzie: Caroline, Bing said that all the women here seem very together. How did Darcy respond? Was it A) I agree wholeheartedly, friend! B) I agree some women here seem accomplished, but on the whole no more nor less so than anyone else, or C) Some women are considered together if they know how to tip a waiter and go to the gym twice a week?

Caroline: C! Definitely C.

[Ding ding ding]

Lizzie: That is correct! And what, in Darcy's estimation, are the requirements for being considered truly together? Please name all five in ten seconds, go!

Caroline: Courteous, selective, oh, um, well-read, of course, at least an advanced college degree, and...an appreciation for arts that does not include Hollywood movies or popular music...Did I get them all?

Lizzie: I'm sorry, trick question! While those are all correct, Darcy actually had eleven items on his list. We would have also accepted: physically fit, fluent in more than one language, up to date on current affairs, fiscally responsible, a charitable nature, and a talent for something other than watching reality television.

Caroline: You have a surprisingly good memory for what he said...

Lizzie: I forget nothing! Now, how many women does Darcy claim fit this profile?

Caroline: A half dozen?

Lizzie: Correct again! Now, for the win, and feel free to play along at home if you know the answer, how many women actually fit Darcy's profile for perfect womanhood?

Caroline: Well, his sister for one-

Lizzie [interrupting]: ERRRRR (buzzer noise) I'm sorry, but if you at home said "none," you win! [hands Caroline a stuffed animal] Thanks for playing!

Lizzie: It's like he's purposely dooming himself to be alone for life...although I guess that does fit his MO...

Caroline: He is a strange one.

Lizzie: You two always seemed thick as thieves...I-I'm sorry, again, that I misjudged you, but seriously, how do you put up with him?

Caroline: [shrugs] Well, you...get used to it.

Lizzie: You get used to it? Like it's some stuck-up douchebag threshold you've achieved?

Caroline: Yes! No...um...I mean he's just...um...he's....

Lizzie: Tall?

Caroline: Tall?

Lizzie: Never mind. I for one would prefer not to build up my douchebag threshold.

[phone rings]

Lizzie: Yes! [picks up phone] Mom? Is it done? Can I come home? ....what? It's going to take more time? Nooooooooooo

[outro interrupts her wail]