Lindsey: I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, clinical sexologist and host of this sex-curious show, Sexplanations. Today's episode is sponsored by LetsGetChecked, an at-home testing service that can give you really helpful data on over 30 aspects of your health and well-being.

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In high school, a friend shared with me on how he discovered the wonders of prostate massage. While sitting pants-down on the toilet, he masturbated his penis with one hand and reached around with the other to put a finger in his anus. The toilet seat gave him amazing exploratory access, and the prostate massage gave him incredible, full-body orgasms. 16-year old Lindsey made a mental note, "Inspire more people to butt-fuck themselves for enhanced pleasure." And here we are!

The prostate - p-r-o-s-t-a-t-e - one "r" not "prostrate," is a muscular gland about the size of a pop socket but more bulbous. It surrounds part of the urethra just below the bladder, so you may feel an urge to pee when it's touched. It's unlikely you will pee, though. One reason for the prostate's location is to gate-keep what goes through the urethra so you don't urinate when you intend to ejaculate, or vise versa. Another reason is that the prostate adds nourishing fluid to semen that prolongs sperm life for reproduction. Yeah, milk that.

How? There are four main access points for massaging or milking the prostate, so called because of the milky prosthetic fluid that can come out. The first one is the abdomen between the navel and the pubic bone. Think about where the sensation is when the bladder is full and aim just below that. I like this strategy because it's right there, not tucked in between the legs or in the ass crack - it's just above the genitals, too, making it easy to lick and grab and kiss while experimenting with slight pressure on the prostate.

And, while I don't have physiological proof of this, my estimation is that stroking the prostate in this way tugs on the urethra which runs the length of the penis and causes it to feel like shivers are being sent down the spine of the dick. Mm! I also like palm humping this area to mimic me on top grinding my clit to get off. It targets the prostate and it lets me classically condition your body to associate abdominal kneading with pleasure. [mimics evil laughter and turns into true chuckles]

Another way to massage the prostate is at the top of the intergluteal cleft - the "crena analis" or the "butt slice." We'll mimic it with this. [flexes arm, pointing to created cleft above elbow] I start with gentle contact, just resting my finger or toy there. "I'm not going to rape you; I'm here to bring you sexual gratification. I will stay here at the crease of your beautiful buttocks until you invite more."

If I don't know my play-partner's nonverbal cues, the invitation needs to be overt. "I like that, more please, yes, get in there." If we know each other and have solid body language established, then I pay careful attention to changes in breath, movement, and muscle tension to get the go-ahead. Keeping in mind that "go-ahead" does not mean "penetration." In this case, I merely want permission to stroke the first inch or two of the intergluteal cleft.

Despite the fact that prostate massage can enable euphoric, explosive orgasms, there are reasons to not engage, including periprosthetic hemorrhages, cellulitis, septicemia, hemorrhoidal flares, rectal fissures, and the less difficult to pronounce, dingle-berries, poop streaks, and mental blocks. Communicate. And wait.

A third option for prostate stimulation is the perineum. None of this has to involve the penis of sexual arousal, but in this description, why not. If there's a penis nearby, you can manually or orally stimulate it to create a feel-good diversion from intrusive thoughts and feelings. A combination of familiar pleasure with new sensations can sensitize the prostate as an erogenous zone. While this is happening, cup the balls - maybe even lift them. During sexual arousal, the scrotum tends to tighten, pulling the testicles closer to the body. Copying physiology in this way can increase pleasure.

Next, if you're able, extend your fingers so that you're still cupping the sack with your palm, but your fingertips are able to touch the perineum - the internal penis between the scrotum and anus. What do you notice? What do your fingers want to do? If the recipient moans, keep cupping the balls, press more firmly on the perineum and rub for four to six seconds. I know what happens if they like it; if they're not sure yet, I need to stop so that they can express their desire. If I get no feedback, I try four to six seconds of a different variation: lighter, deeper, long smooth strokes, adding lube, licking, tickling, and/or I ask, "Like it?"

This is where any number of things can happen. "It's so weird, but I think I like it." "That's really good." "It's hurting me. I think we need to stop. Can you just touch my penis?" "Let's try going inside. I'm curious." "I'm not enjoying it. Maybe another time?" "Can you put your fingers inside me?" If there's interest and consent to get closer to the prostate, another option for massage is inside the rectum. Hallelujah!

Glove. Lube. The glove covers up fingernails, hangnails, cuts and calluses. And the lube makes for a calmer entry without so much tearing. Start with the glove but not the lube. This way, the anus doesn't think it's leaking with all that wetness. First introduce yourself with a dry, soothing fingerprint. Build the trust, and then get things wet. There are more details in this video ["Anal Sex"], in this video ["Butthole Maintenance"], in this video ["Pegging"], and this video ["How to Eat Ass"].

Ideally, you only penetrate when the asshole wants it, like it actually puckers up and tries to suck your finger in. One trick to coax it into doing this is to clench the sphincter tightly for as long as you can; the intentional contraction of the muscles means that eventually they have to relax. Relax and open, -ish. About two inches in toward the front of the body, you may be able to feel the prostate through the rectal wall. To me, it feels like a slippery cheekbone, semi-firm and smooth and soft, I just want to rub it!

But like the sex educator Reid Mihalko says, "Similar to G-spot massage, many folks who try giving prostate massage for the first time (and some veterans) let their exuberance overtake their paying attention to the receiver's body." They finger too vigorously, windshield wipers, tapping, circles, come-hither, pulsing, push, push, push, push, push.

Reid recommends keeping your finger or fingers still and letting the prostate-owner wiggle, hump, and move their bottom on them. This way, there's a sense that the movement is wanted rather than this vigorous digital dance party in their ass that they have to catch up to. My recommendation is gradual changes to discover what's comfortable and what's not without having to abort the process.

Here's some additional recommendations. If you haven't already, break through the stigma of anal play. Thinking ass play is gay, messy, too extreme, and/or painful can block you from relaxing and receiving. Here's a video on how to work through that, "Anal Sex Prep." [link pops up]

Fantasizing about sensations and someone or something inside you can also help. Maybe you're massaging yourself. Maybe someone else is causing the whole sexual network of organs to melt. Don't forget toys, too. There are beginner sets, beads, plugs, toys that vibrate toys that stretch, those shaped like calligraphy, like this [image] are specifically designed to insert into the anus for hands-free massage.

The first one was patented as a medical device allowing users to treat prostate-related health problems by contracting their pubic hexageous muscles. A good squeeze causes the device to rub internally and externally on the prostate. Prostate massage is associated with better muscle tone, improved circulation, more complete ejaculation, relieving urinary problems, abdominal pain, and prostatitis. It's known to decrease erectile difficulties, reduce the risk of prostate cancer, and feel good.

According to Somatica founders Daniel Harel and Celeste Hirschman who wrote the book Coming Together, "prostate massage can satisfy what you want to feel sexually and/or psychologically." Maybe you want to feel nurtured or degraded, naughty or lawless or submissive or questioning - prostate massage is a special way to stretch and grow your sexuality.

The most important thing to know, as Reid Mihalko says, "Despite all of this, it's okay to not like prostate massage! It doesn't mean you're unevolved or broke. It just means you don't like it, or didn't like the way it was done." Like it. Don't. Either way, I hope you stay curious.

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