Good Morning, John, it's Wednesday, December 4th. Today, I'm going to try to fit in 51 jokes into one four-minute video! So, obviously, we should probably get started.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Smells like carrots.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom? Linoleum blown apart.

What's red, and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What is the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie and one prowls on the hairy.

What did one wall say to the other wall? Let's, uh, meet up in the corner.

How come seagulls live by the sea? 'Cause if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels.

Why do cows wear bells? 'Cause their horns don't work.

What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? Well, he was a good conductor.

What's the difference between camping and molestation?
I-I don't know.
Well, since you don't know, wanna go camping this weekend?

How does Snoop Dogg wash his whites?
Blee-ach.

What happened to the magical tractor?
It turned into a field.

What do vegetarian zombies say?
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

How does Luke Skywalker get through the forest?
He walks.

Why do the algae and the fungus get married?
They took a lichen to each other.

What do you get when you put a sheep on a trampoline?
A woolly jumper.

How do you fit five bulbasaurs and two charizards onto a bus?
You Pokémon.

Why did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
'Cause somebody told him to get a long little doggy.

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "F**k"?
You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"

What does a teenage boy have in common with the enzyme helicase?
They both want to unzip your genes.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It'll be a minute before I get hard. I just got laid by a chick.

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in mortal combat. Darth Vader pulls Luke close to him (my microphone).  Darth Vader pulls Luke close to him and says, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." "What? How? That's impossible!" "I felt your presence."

Why do chicken coops only ever have two doors?
'Cause if they had four doors, they would be a chicken sedan!

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One goes, *whack* "Darn!" and the other goes, "Darn!" *whack*

I tried to build an irony detector but the darn thing just won't work?
Why, what's wrong with it?
It detects everything except irony.

What did the dog say when it sat on some sandpaper?
Rough!

A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe.
The bartender says, "Hey, you lost a shoe!"
And the duck says, "No, I found one."

What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin, rolling down a hill.

What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin that pushed him.

After giving up on being a nanny, Mary Poppins actually moved to Beverly Hills and became a fortuneteller. And she reads your future, not by looking at the lines on your hand, but by smelling your breath!
They call her the super-california-mystic-expert-halitosis.

How many Dragon ball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it's going to take about six episodes.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Genocide?

What kind of pants do the Mario brothers wear?
Denimdenimdenim.

I was feeling sad and my friend came up to tell me 10 jokes to try and make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun intended.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's dead!

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
All of the sailors were marooned.

How can you tell if it takes Hank more than one day to make a video?
Because the lighting completely changes in the middle.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

A baby seal walks into a club.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field.
A babooooom.

What did the YouTuber say when he came in fifth place in a race?
First!

If I had one little green ball in one hand and another little green ball in the other hand, what do I have?
The undivided attention of a leprechaun.

Why is your sex life like a Vlogbrothers video?
'Cause it never lasts more than 4 minutes.

51 jokes! Put your jokes down there - I might do this again! And, my favorite joke that gets put in the next two days will get a free signed copy of my CD!