HANK: Good morning John, it is Friday.

JOHN: Good morning Hank!

HANK: That was very good.

john: I’m about to fall off.

JOHN: I can do this ok!

HANK: Use your core! Use your core! 

HANK: So John, you have been talking to me
about Crown Hill Cemetery for a long time. Highest point in Indianapolis,

JOHN: America’s greatest cemetery!

HANK: the most vice presidents per
square mile anywhere in the US.

JOHN: It’s true.

HANK:...As long as you count dead ones.


HANK: So here’s what we decided to do.
I was like, let’s go epitaph hunting.

JOHN: Yeah.

HANK: And then we will reconvene and share the best epitaphs.

JOHN: If you have the money to spare a few extra words onto your
tombstone, I think it adds a lot.


HANK: Yeah. Even just one: bananas.

JOHN: I want to start with this guy here, Hank. Stan Mollis. he died in 2012 and his tombstone is a tennis net 
and it says “game, set, match.”

HANK: Oh because that’s when it’s over.

JOHN: That’s when it’s all over.

HANK: Was he a tennis player?

JOHN: he was not only a tennis player, he was a professional tennis player. he owned the magnet company that designed magnets for the Apollo mission that were instrumental to the...uh

HANK: Apollo mission

JOHN: mooning

HANK: To a moon arrival.

JOHN: To America’s mooning.
Yes Hank I’m sure you recall Neil Armstrong’s first words upon landing on the moon, “I am mooning!”

HANK: ”Let us moon!” [Laughs]

JOHN: We did it Buzz! We’re mooning! What is that? Are you mooning?

HANK: Yeah he’s mooning.

JOHN: Now what is your understanding of the verb “to moon?” 

HANK: Walk upon the moon.

JOHN: Oh ok!

HANK: This one was weird: “laughter is the
best medicine. Why are you on this planet?”

JOHN: I mean it’s very funny.

HANK: And it’s like, I don’t know man! Great question!

JOHN: I found a similarly inscrutable one “The sober one is currently on tour. You will always remain in our hearts forever.”

HANK: The first part...

JOHN: The sober one is currently on tour.

HANK: The first part sounds like an artificial
intelligence is writing epitaphs.

JOHN: It does, it does.

HANK: John, this one on the back in quotation
marks just says “I’m alright.”

JOHN: I’m alright.

HANK: I’m alright.

JOHN: While we’re talking about ones that are lovely: “He filled his niche
and  accomplished his task, he left the world better than he found it.”

HANK: That’s nice

. 
JOHN: I think it’s lovely. We’ve talked about good ones, I think we should talk about some bad ones. Beginning with this guy, Ebenezer Dumont. My criticism is that he’s obviously a very accomplished person. He has listed way too many accomplishments. The font gets too small and so end up, you can’t even read all the things that he did. You’ve got to pick a couple things. Like Benjamin Harrison who was president of the United States, picked a couple of things: it says “lawyer and publicist.” Which it turns out meant something different then.

HANK: Yeah, it seems like a weird thing to pick out, like I was a lawyer and also I helped people get into US Weekly.

JOHN: Back then it meant like, uh a person concerned with or expert in issues of the public.

HANK: Right! Ah!

JOHN: I am very fond of the idea that even the things we etch in stone
HANK: Absolutely

JOHN:... are not necessarily etched in stone.

JOHN: I like this one, “to live in the hearts of others is not to die.”

HANK: Mmmm….

Both: Mmmm…. 

JOHN: These days mausoleums cost like what houses cost.

HANK: They don’t do them anymore.

JOHN: Very rarely. The last one was the Bane one.

HANK: Oh my god, the Bane one.

JOHN: Can we talk about it? It’s on the hill where the fancy people are buried. It’s a very normal looking mausoleum. It’s got a nice looking walkway to it.

HANK: A lot of space!

JOHN: A lot of space. It’s open, it’s very neoclassical. And I’ve always just walked past it and thought, “that’s a mausoleum.”Hank Green, ever curious, walks up to the edge of the mausoleum. And what is inside is truly astonishing. 

HANK: I’m sorry I couldn’t get better footage than this. And more power to him! 

JOHN: Absolutely!

HANK: Add the whimsy!

JOHN: I mean, it’s such an odd place, because of course it is very somber.

HANK: Yeah

JOHN: And there is a lot of sadness there. But there is also room for that.

HANK: Thank you for taking me there. Thank you for showing me around. You’re becoming a legitimate tour guide of Crown Hill.

JOHN: Well now that I've-

HANK: Maybe that will be your job eventually.

JOHN: Oh god, someday.

HANK: John, I’ll see you now.

JOHN: Bye.