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Last sync:2023-11-04 16:30
In which John struggles through the difficult ethical decisions that GTA presents.
John: Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank, my name is John Green, I am, I'm very anxiously playing a game called Grand Theft Auto V, which seems to be full of bad people doing terrible, terrible things, and I have an idea inspired by a great YouTube series called A Pacifist Plays Grand Theft Auto. I'd like to try to today to play Grand Theft Auto not as a pacifist, but instead as myself, John Green, a real person. OK, I... So, you know, this is a difficult situation here for instance, like, do I take this money? I mean, I just did, so there's my first ethical decision. Now there's an object right here straight ahead it says. Oh, that object was a police officer.

Security Guard: I saw your face. I'll remember you.
Michael: You forget a thousand things every day. How 'bout you make sure this is one of 'em?

John: Did I just do it? Oh yeah, I did it, I did it, suck it, nerds! Wait, I gotta kill the guard? You know how they say "take out" so that they, you're not killing. Now, see, this is a difficult situation, Meredith, because obviously, this young man is my friend, the man in the flannel shirt, and I don't want him to go to prison, but this guard is just trying to do his job, and I'm wondering if is there a tertiary choice, one in which I perhaps... Well, why have they made it so that I can't walk, so that I'm standing still, it seems unfair. Oh, golly gee, am I gonna have to shoot this guard? That's not gonna give me any pleasure at all. Mmm. How do I aim? Trigger, huh? Well, that didn't work out very well, I shot my friend.

Now I feel really bad. I mean, to be fair, my friend did not seem like a good dude. Did I kill the bad guy again? Gah, I killed them both this time, it's doubly bad! Ah, goodness gracious, oh, I'd like to skip. Yes, I wanna skip, it's been horrible. So far, I've murdered three people, two of whom were my friend, one of whom was an innocent guard who was just trying to do his job. Oh my goodness, the whole game isn't gonna be like this, is it?

Whoa. Oh, I shot by accident, because in FIFA, that's how you go fast! Oh, nobody shoot me! I'm a good man! I'm just, I'm in a bad situation! Oh! Okay, I, I, I... At least I died. That feels good. I'd like to retry that because there I wasn't asked to do any kind of crime, I was just asked to run from people who were shooting at me. Alright. So, I use A... Okay, everybody down, just stay calm. Okay, let's go this way. Doo-doo-doodoo-doo-doo-doo, no one will know me here. Oops, that was an accident. Whoa! Whoa! Why are you shooting at me, man? Come on, come on, be respectful! Ah, I was trying to surrender!

Okay, I guess, yeah, but I can't drop my gun. How do I drop my gun and just surrender? I just... Listen, I understand that I've made a mistake, I made a bad decision, I'm not proud of it. Nope, that's not the right button. Okay, wait, yes. I would like to surrender this weapon. How do I get rid of it? Hmm. Oh yeah. Oh, God, I'm finally unarmed.

Man: Get out of the way or suffer the consequences.

John: I'm just a person! What consequences? No, no, no, I'm just a man! I'm unarm... Oh, goodness gracious! This is a very violent world in which I find myself. It's hard to, it's hard to even drop my gun, let alone... Alright, I'm going to try this again. I believe that I can leave this place.

John: I can what? I could steal a car. Okay. I mean, if I'm gonna do something, I guess I'm gonna steal a car, so I wanna... Oh! No, I wanna drop my weapon. Yep. I would like to drop my weapon again, thank you.

Man: Back the * away!

John: There we go, that was a very violent way of talking. I'm under a lot of pressure here. I wonder if I could just stay for a while.

Man: Don't be as dumb as you look.

John: Well, I'm trying not to be stupid, I'm trying to be... Can I steal this armored car? Oh, oh, I'm on top of it, Meredith! Yeah, yeah, that seems like a bad plan. I was all full of immediate regret. I'd like to get into the car, please? Oh, boy.

Man: Who snitched!?

John: Not me, I hope. I'm trying to just get into the car with my fist. Oh, oh, 'scuse me, sir! Sir! I am not armed! Yeah, is there any way to get in there? Just, just get in. I'd like to, I'd just like to get in. Right into this car. Oh, I don't know what I just did, I hit a button. Something weird happened. Okay. What... Can I get into this car? Maybe? Nope, I can climb on top of it though! Oh, sorry, I didn't see you guys there. Oh, I'm dead again.

Thanks for watching John Green tries to play Grand Theft Auto as himself, the game in which I try desperately to be a good person, or at least a non-terrible one, while engaged in a strange world that I do not understand. I will try to succeed at a mission when you see me next. Best wishes.