JOHN: Good morning, Hank, it's Tuesday. So VidCon was fun - so fun, in fact, that I took hardly any video except for this (audience screaming).

JOHN: Hello, VidCon!

JOHN: Anyway, it was basically like that level of sensory input for 72 straight hours, but before VidCon, I was on a television program called "The Colbert Report," which meant makeup.

JOHN: So, I am completely, really, super-into getting my makeup done.

MAKEUP ARTIST: You are?

JOHN: Have I told you this yet?

MAKEUP ARTIST (laughing): No.

JOHN: I'm John, by the way.

MAKEUP ARTIST: John, I'm Bridget.

JOHN: And, yeah, I think - I had my makeup done on the whole - the whole time I was on the movie tour.

BRIDGET: Okay.

JOHN: Like, first thing in the morning, then they'd touch it up all day long.

BRIDGET: Right.

JOHN: I just looked so good. I felt so good about myself.

(Bridget laughs.)

JOHN: I'm not even kidding.

BRIDGET (laughing): That's awesome.

JOHN (to Hank): So while Bridget does my makeup, Hank, a few makeup thoughts. I confess that in high school, I was one of those guys who was like, "You don't need to wear makeup. You're beautiful just the way you are." Meanwhile, of course, I was covering my body in carefully selected clothes every morning, showing that on some level, I did understand that humans generally don't present themselves in public "just the way they are."

Now obviously, TV makeup is different from everyday makeup, but here's what I like about makeup. One, it feels good. It feels good to touch your face gently and kindly. Two, it's like really beautiful armor because it makes me feel more confident and, somehow, kind of protected as I go through my day. It's sort of like wearing my favorite outfit, except I can do it every day.

Three, Hank, as you know, I am a massive hypochondriac, so I don't like to touch my face because that's how disease spreads. But I find that I actually touch my face less when I'm wearing makeup because my face is not, like, dry and itchy and et cetera.

Four, I like the way I look. It's pretty simple, actually. Hank, when I was younger, I basically thought that women wore makeup for men, which speaks to a sick and very deep part of the patriarchy in which men imagine that women orient themselves toward attracting men, instead of having, like, meaning and pleasure inside their own lives that has nothing to do with dudes.

But when I wear makeup, I genuinely don't derive pleasure from thinking about how I'll look to people watching me on TV or whether it will make me more attractive to other people - I just like the way I look. It makes me happy. Now, of course, lots of people don't like wearing makeup, which is totally cool, but I do!

That noted, I'm probably not going to be wearing makeup on a daily basis, partly because I'm lazy, partly because I am tragically un-immune to social conventions, and partly because I've been totally spoiled by having my makeup done by amazing professionals like Bridget.

But this whole experience has made me a tremendous fan of makeup, and also of the YouTube makeup tutorial, so I put some links to my favorites in the doobly-doo. And Hank, I also have to say that I think you are super-cool for having worn makeup in high school.

Okay, now it's time for my big reveal!

JOHN: Do I look all right? Do I look like my regular self, but better?

SARAH: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

JOHN: Perfect.

JOHN: Hank, congratulations on VidCon. I hope you're getting some sleep. I will see you on Friday.