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In which John gives his opinion on the first part of Time's list of the "Top 10 Scandals of 2013." The Wimbly Womblys play Bury.

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Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank, my name is John Green, I'm the manager of AFC Wimbledon, the Wimbly Womblys and in a stunning turn of events it is raining in England.

Today we are taking on Burry (Berry)? Bury (Burry)? Bury (Byoory)? Bury (Byoori)? We're gonna win. We're gonna win because we're starting John Green and John Green up front, team mates in life and in love and because we're starting Lizzy Bennett all the way back there in the back and she is an absolute force when it comes to protecting the left wing.

Alright, today's video is about the top 10 scandals of 2013 - at least according to Time Magazine. Now I think this is somewhat de-legitimatized by the fact that Rob Ford isn't even on the list when in fact he should be at least numbers one through seven.

I'm completely fascinated by Rob Ford mostly because it's one of those weird situations where people should be saying "You need to get help" but instead they're saying "Maybe we will re-elect you the mayor of Toronto". I always find that interesting.

Oh! You know what else I find interesting!? Ugh! What's up Meredith? Oh yes, he is on the list, but he's not number one which I think is low, I think he's low. What is the list?

Oh, Justin Bieber went to a brothel in Brazil? Is that right? Yeah, I mean the surprise there is not that Justin Bieber went to a brothel, but that Justin Bieber - well, it is, I mean, I've never really understood the allure, I have to say, because I'm a very health conscious person, I'm pretty hypochondriacal and, yeah, it just seems like a really good way to get chlamydia, which seems horrible. Like it just seems really unpleasant.

So, I don't know, that's my main thought about Justin Bieber, but that's also why I wouldn't sleep with Justin Bieber, you know? Like, I'm terrified, I just don't wanna get chlamydia. I know that it's curable and everything, I just don't want to. I just ugheghugh.

I'm just being perfectly honest with you here. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Like, Justin Bieber's growing up and this is always what, this happens 100% of the time. Like it screws you up pretty badly. I think fame in general screws you up pretty badly because you lose perspective and it becomes really difficult to, like, internalize. Like it becomes really difficult to, like, think of yourself in any kind of even quasi-objective way, it becomes really difficult not to be narcissistic.

Also I think that there's a... It's really difficult to, like, feel like you're worth anything. That's certainly not a problem reserved to famous people. But like, I think, like, the thing that people kept asking about the whole Justin Bieber going to a brothel thing was like "Oh why is Justin Bieber... Justin Bieber could get laid any time he wants" and, like, that's kind of true and kind of not. Like it is true in a sense. In another sense he probably doesn't feel, like, worthy of those encounters or relationships and he probably doesn't feel like they're really about, you know, that it's really how people feel about him, it's how people feel about his celebrity which probably, at this point, feels pretty distant from him and I don't know, I think that would kind of suck.

So, anyway. Thank God I'm married, that's the long and short of it. What was the ninth biggest scandal of 2013? Oh, Reese Witherspoon, she got arrested because her husband got a DUI and she's screaming at the cops or something? I don't know why that's a scandal, I mean what about Reese Witherspoon implied that she wasn't the kind of person who would, like, get drunk and go, you know, scream at police officers? I don't know.

I think... Yeah. I mean, the main take away for me from that is don't get a DUI and the best way to not get a DUI is to call a cab. It's not that hard, it's easier and easier in this world of apps and everything and also if you're at a bar they'll call a cab for you. Go to sleep where ever you wanna be not because you don't wanna get a DUI but because you really, really, really do not wanna kill someone. You don't wanna kill the passenger in your car, you don't wanna kill yourself, you just do not, do not want that. It is not something that is easy to live with so that's what... Who's offside?! This referee's full of it. I guess it was a little bit offside.

You know, the Wimbly Womblys were on an amazing run and then recently we just haven't been the same club. It started when I started starting the B-team but I did that because I was trying to rest our best players and now everybody's tired because we just, we don't have a very deep squad. Pretty soon we're going to have to be starting Jacquart who's only a 51 skill level.

What was the next biggest scandal? Oh, Julian Huff's black-face? Don't do black-face, that's a pretty simple one. Yeah, I mean it's super, super, super, super racist. What's next? I don't know what else to say, like, that should be a scandal. What's next?

Beyoncé lip-syncing the national anthem, to me, not a scandal. When did she lip-sync the national anthem, at the President's thing? Yeah, the inauguration. Can you believe the inauguration happened this year? Like how much longer is Obama gonna be President for, is his second term almost over? It just started! This is his first year! It's crazy! I mean the speed of, like, political discourse in this country is just astonishing, like, we can change overnight.

Do you like how I keep dribbling the ball out of bounds? Is that a nice touch that I do? Is that a nice thing, is that a pleasant thing to watch? Wimbly Wombly supporters are you like "Oh man I'm so grateful to John for constantly dribbling the ball out of bounds". 

Sorry, I'm a little annoyed at myself. It's half-time, it's nil-nil. What is this, the Swoodilypoopers? Ah, that's ten bucks, ten bucks to the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Wombly sponsored foundation.

Alright. Yeah. I don't know. Of course she lip-synced at the inauguration, it's a rather large room and it was windy and loud and cold and... I don't know, to me that isn't a story.

I thought it was a beautiful rendition of the national anthem and I was not at all scandalized by her lip-syncing. It's better to sound good than it is to sound live, like, if there's some reason that you can't sound good then you've gotta, you know, then I get it. That said, anybody, as far... I'm also of the "Beyoncé is right 100% of the time no matter what" camp so, like, I'm gonna defend Beyoncé pretty much in every situation.

You gotta get to your husband! Oh it was a beautiful release but Francombstein was not the guy. The guy we needed in that situation was Bald John Green. I don't wanna criticize Francombstein but he's missed a lot of opportunities. I feel like Bald John Green's been hanging back, just a little bit, he's been trying to get possession too much and then he's trying to do it all by himself to much. As you guys know I've been a little critical of Bald John Green. I just feel like he hasn't been, he hasn't been the guy we need. That said, he does have fourteen goals in, like, twelve games so.

Alright, what's next Meredith? Oh the mayor of San Diego's sexual harassment thing? Bob Filner? Yeah, I mean again, like that... What was phenomenal about that, or sort of in the sense that it was a phenomenon, was seeing him defend himself/people defend him when it was clear there was an overwhelming... You know, and it was like "Oh, there are all these, all the time people accuse people of sexual harassment because of, because they are just trying to get attention for themselves or try to win a lawsuit" but like, I mean that's, like, just the patriarchy at work.

There's a Mayor, they have a Mayor. They have a player named D. Mayor, his name's De Mayor. Hmm, I'm jealous, I want De Mayor.

So, yeah. I think that it's, it's, like, pretty unambiguously... Like he was unambiguously sexually harassing his employees and I mean not like, you know... It's pretty sickening stuff. But what fascinated me was the support, the support that he had and I think he ended up keeping his pension in his retirement which was ridiculous!

Anyway, yeah. I was scandalized and a little bit horrified that, like, there's still that level of support for like... Oh, Seb Brown! Still that level of support for people who are clearly, you know, they don't just need to be removed from office, they're guilty of crimes.

Alright, what's next? Lance Armstrong doping. Not a scandal to me because anybody who follows cycling has known for, like, ten years that Lance Armstrong was doping during every single Tour de France win that he ever had and, I mean the reason, the scandal is that it took till 2013 and eventually, I mean, the reason that he confessed was for legal reasons. It became, like, legally impossible for him to go on with his... Ooohooo!

"He's big, he's tough,
he has a brilliant puff!
Other John Green, Other John Green!"

Just when it was looking like it was gonna be a standard nil-nil draw, who comes through with a very weak shot tht is nonetheless strong enough? It's Other John Green. Oh, he's a good husband, he's a good man, one day I hope he's gonna be a good father but he is a great football player. 

Yeah. I mean I am a cycling fan and so it was clear, I think it was clear to anybody who followed cycling at all, just looking at the times of, like, the climb up Alpe d'Huez, for instance, before and after they got serious about doping, that Armstrong had to be doping and not just that he was doping but that, like, you know, pretty much everyone in the top, you know, fifteen or twenty was.

It's interesting, like a couple of those Tour de France trophies, they're never gonna be able to find anyone to give it to because everyone in the top, like, forty tested positive for doping.

But that's not an excuse, particularly because Lance Armstrong always portrayed himself as a victim of this mass conspiracy when, in fact it became clear that he was, he was the head of a mass conspiracy, a mass conspiracy to put doping in... Oh! John Green to John Green!

"John Greens, John Greens
Bald and Other John Greens!
They're the best forwards that Wimbledon has ever seen."

Look at that, I mean that's just a man who loves his husband, who crosses the ball to his husband, and then his husband finishes. It's so beautiful! I mean it's just... It's everything that's beautiful about soccer distilled into one fluid movement.

People say that this is not a beautiful game or that League Two soccer isn't gorgeous and I'll admit that sometimes, you know, sometimes it's a little sloppy, like the quality of the pitch isn't always there, I get it, I get it. I get what you guys are saying but like, when those two men who care so much about each other and their club, when they get together on a cross like that it really, it really is beautiful.

Oh, I mean look at John Green, he's just so tough! We got a corner out of it. You know we never score from corners anymore, Meredith? It's a little frustrating. Let's get it! Oh, I was trying to do that to score from a corner but it didn't work.

What was the fifth biggest scandal? Or fourth or wherever we are? Rob Ford, we already talked about that. Plus the video's over and we emerge victorious! Look at that beautiful ginger, God. Thanks for watching, best wishes.