Previous: Football IRL: The Miracle of Swindon Town #17
Next: DeathHank #26: WHISPERING



View count:45,626
Last sync:2023-11-09 14:30
In which John tells the life story of Bald John Green, while ably meeting Barnsley on the pitch.

Hitler reacts to Swindon's relegation:
Hello and welcome to HankGames without Hank. It's me, your host, John Green here with the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers. We are playing today Barnsley. They have a goalkeeper who is both bald and grey-haired. Hopefully that bodes well for us although, you know, goalkeepers age faster than other people. We've got Bald John Green and Other John Green up front today, we have Derek Milborrow as our referee and we've got in some of the new players today including Lalalalalalalalalalana who I just named. I'm pretty proud of that. Hopefully he'll score some goals so that I can say Lalalalalalalalalalana more often. Barnsley makes me a little bit nervous but not that nervous. You can see him right there, A. Lallana. And we also have B. Stock, I don't know his first name if you could tell me his first name that'd be helpful and Taylor-Fletcher who's now our best player not named John Green. I've gone up some skill level here.

Today I'm gonna tell you a story about, I dunno, what am I gonna tell you a story about? You never tell me what you want me to tell you stories about so I never know what to tell you stories about. But today I think I'm gonna tell you a story...

Oh boy. That wasn't my best. Oh, actually that worked out pretty nicely. Come on! We gotta finish! Sorry, I'm not telling you what I'm gonna tell you a story about.

I'm gonna tell you a story about Bald John Green, specifically his heritage and how he came to be a member of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers. I thought it'd be helpful if you got to know a little bit more about all the players on the club so you could have the attachment to them that, you know, you have to the other sports figures you like.

So Bald John Green is American and he was born in West Virginia in a coal mining town. His dad and several of his uncles were coal miners. He was interested in football from a young age but he was primarily interested in what is called in the rest of the world American football, that is the one where you wear the helmets and the pads and what not and you have a life expectancy of 57 if you're a professional et cetera. So that was primarily when Bald John Green was in middle school. In high school he was playing Pop Warner football and then he was a star on his own football team. He was both the kicker and the quarterback of his high school football team. But you know, it's a small town in West Virginia, nothing particularly special about the team.

But he was good enough that he got noticed by some scouts and he ended up playing for a Division II college team. That primarily allowed him to pay for his college education although it was obvious as he made the transition to full-time kicker that he was not going to be a professional American football player by any stretch of the imagination. At this point by his sophomore year in college, and I should say, by the way, that he attended...

Hold on. Bald John Green! You can't stop him! Weak foot ability. Bald John Green scoring a great goal. He's unsto... Look at the way that he celebrates with his supporters in their ponchos. Sorry about the weather. Man, Swindon, what can you do, you know.

So anyway, Bald John Green went to a Division II school. He did very well academically, turns out that he really had a gift, you know, some intellectual talents that weren't being exploited in his secondary school or primary school. He studied international relations and political science. He was really, kind of, got the idea that he might one day might be a politician. In fact, he still has some political ambitions but these days it's enough to be the captain of the Swoodilypoopers and, you know, certainly we look to Bald John Green all the time to settle disputes between the players. So in some ways he is a politician already.

But, like I said, he was doing really well in school and he was a perfectly respectable field goal kicker in college but he wasn't good enough by any stretch of the imagination to go to the NFL. He sought of knew this, you know. He was looking at other career options. But then when he was a sophomore in college, first... That's, by the way, why Bald John Green has the mustache, it's a shout-out to his family all of whom are mustachioed and I don't just mean the men. It's a thing with Bald John Green's family that they have basically...

OH! Bald John Green goal number two! You can't stop him. Boy, he's playing great today. On his bio day he plays especially well, of course. Yes! Jump over him. Wow. You know, Other John Green and Bald John Green they really, they have a special connection, that's the only way I can phrase it.

So his sophomore year the soccer coach noticed him kicking field goals and said "You know, you've got a hell of a leg, kid, and I know you can run fast so why don't you try out for the soccer team?" He was immediately a star on his college soccer team and in fact was such a star that he quickly quit playing football. His sophomore year was his last year playing football. He got a full scholarship to play soccer and then he led his team in his senior year to the national championship.

Other John Green, oh, with Bald John Green on the assist. Look how they hug. Look how they hug with the knees between the knees, like oh. It's like Dirty Dancing III: Havana Nights. I guess that was Dirty Dancing II.

Alright. So anyway, he led his team to the Division II national championship in his senior year and then he got a tryout, not with an MLS team, but with...

Oh no! Oh, my defense is so weak. I need you Lucas! Thank you Lucas. I love you Fat Lucas.

He got a tryout with a team below the MLS. There's, like, 60 teams. I think it's called the USL? Anyway, he got a tryout with the Orlando team, he got that. He quickly became a starter. Eventually he was picked up by an MLS club in 2003 and from there was a pretty straight shot to the Swoodilypoopers. And it's just been...

Oh! Look at Other John Green. That was a weird celebration. They, like, just clicked knees. I wonder if we can see a replay of that, please. A replay of the knee click. And run to each other, no. We're not going to see it.

So, yeah. And Bald John Green has had offers to go play for clubs in higher leagues, particularly when Swindon Town was notoriously demoted to League 2. I will put a link in the doobly doo to Hitler's response to that. But Bald John Green... A couple things that stand out about he and his family. First off: the mustaches. Second off: loyalty. Bald John Green has always been...

Look at that scoreline. John Green, John Green, John Green and John Green. Two from Bald John Green, two from Other John Green. A fantastic first half even though we've upped the skill level for the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers. So this team is playing like a team that could go back to the F.A. Cup final, face Manchester United and beat the living crap out of those disgusting Manchester United players. Oh, the resentment that we feel about that game. I can't even tell you how the Swoodilypoopers are dealing with it. Everyday... In fact, in Bald John Green's locker he has the headline from the Swindon Town Gazette from the day after the game that talks about the heartbreak because he never wants to forget how it felt that day to almost win the F.A. Cup. He wants to remember so that next time he his in the F.A. Cup final against, God willing, Manchester United again, they beat the holy living hell out of them.

Anyway, Bald John Green has really two character traits from his family: loyalty and the mustache. So when other teams came calling and said "You know Bald John Green, your transfer value is, like, three million dollars and you could make four or five times as much money if you would just leave the Swoodilypoopers". He said no. And, in fact, the only reason he ever left his USL team in Orlando was because his coach requested that he leave because his coach had so much faith in his future talent. He felt like he just couldn't allow Bald John Green to stay. So he came to Bald John Green and said "Listen. You gotta go. I know it's a choice"...

Oh boy. We gave up a goal. Oh, to G. Love. Eh. Man, I wonder if Special Sauce is also on the team? Anyway, we... That's a joke that no-one will get because G. Love and Special Sauce have not been famous in so long that no-one who is watching this knows who they are. I'm old.

So eventually... And then when Bald John Green was in the MLS he, of course, loved playing in front of his, you know, in front of fans from his home country and everything but in the end he was transferred against his will.

OH! Bald John Green with a hat-trick! Shooting 22, finishing +2. Congrats... Oh, we get the blue boots now. Congratulations Bald John Green. I know, you go immediately to Other John Green. You know, there are ten other guys on the pitch you could hug, Bald John Green, but you seem to always choose Other John Green. I'm not trying to make any insinuations here, I'm just stating facts. So congratulations to Bald John Green on his hat-trick.

So eventually, he was sold to Swindon Town because his MLS team felt like he wasn't worth the money and they needed to improve their cash flow, so he went to Swindon Town against his will. But once he arrived there he immediately fell in love with the people of Swindon, the city, obviously it's lovely weather as you can see today and almost everyday in Swindon, and it's just such a privilege for him to play for the Swoodilypoopers. And no-one works harder on the club than Bald John Green.

So that's the story of Swindon Town's captain. Let me know if you'd like to hear other stories about myself or about the players on this team. They all have some fascinating backstories from Voluptuous Péricard to Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin to Other John Green who also has a hat-trick. Wow. Six goals for John Greens. In fact, I'm gonna have to take out the John Greens so that they can get their proper love from the crowd here after their six goals. I'm gonna put in Voluptuous Péricard and Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin so that John Green and John Green can leave the game together and get the response from the crowd that they deserve because, wow, they really have played great. You've got to let go of each other at some point. Yep, I know, I know. It's the love that dare not speak it's name. Look, you know, that bald, grey goalkeeper, he just hasn't had a great day today. So let's give a round of applause to John Green and John Green for a fantastic work.

Let's bring on Voluptuous Péricard and Stone Cold Cteve Austin. Voluptuous Péricard has had a fascinating life, by the way, if you ever want to hear about him. But I'm also happy to tell stories about myself, I just don't know what kind of stories you want to hear because that's never the highest rated comment. The highest rated comment is always "Can we get Bald John Green jerseys?" We looked into that, they're very expensive. They're like $40. I don't think you really want to spend $40 on a Bald John Green jersey. So maybe but not right now. And do we have to monetize the rise of the Swoodilypoopers? It's be one thing if that money was going to invest in new players.

Voluptuous Péricard breaking away. Oh, Voluptuous Péricard, he can't score. He's nicely built by the way. I don't know if you've ever seen it but, well put together for a soccer player. There's tons of guys on the team though. You've got Lalalalalalalalalalalalany and lot's of others as well. Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin from way outside. You can't slow that guy down, he just believes in himself, that's what I like about him.

But I'm really happy with the Swoodilypoopers this season. I think we've got a great club and yeah. Looking forward to spending the season with them and with you and I hope that you will join us on this crazy journey that will hopefully allow us to win the Championship and then go on to the Premier League. Wouldn't that be amazing. Swindon Town in the Premier League playing the likes of my beloved Liverpool, Bolton Wanderers, Wolves who somehow manage to stay up every year, Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United. I mean, can you imagine getting to go to Old Trafford and playing games on a regular basis when you're the Swoodilypoopers. That would just be magical. To be able to play Arsenal, the team...

Oh! Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin with the seventh goal of the game. I mean, you've gotta say at this point that our opponents are well and truly humiliated. I want to apologize to Barnsley that there is no mercy rule in professional soccer because we have kicked the crap out of you. Sorry if that hurts. Oh no, we can't give up another goal. Good job, good job boys. Come on, let's not give up another goal. Let's play this one out.

Anyway, also if there's anything else you wanna know about Bald John Green, if you have specific questions about him or anything like that, I'm happy to tell you stories.

Voluptuous Péricard?! Oh! Voluptuous Péricard! I forgot to hit the B button I was so excited about his breakaway.

I don't know if I have to go up another skill level, I don't wanna be too good. Wow. Look at that scoreline. We got scored on by G. Love but other than that it was two hat-tricks from two different John Greens. And then the icing on the cake which was provided by Stone Cold Cteve with the C Austin. Thank you for watching another episode of John plays FIFA. We'll continue our run to the Premier League next time and I will, you will hear me then. Again, tell me what to talk about and as always my friends, best wishes.