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In which John plays Brentford and tells you about his ex-girlfriend Lars Ulrich.
Hello and welcome to Hankgames with no Hank. It's me, John Green, and today we are, of course, the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers and we are playing Brentford. We are here in the last few games of the League 1 title, fresh off our miracle win over Premier League club Wigan Athletic, to get to the FA Cup Final, and I'm, uh, very, very excited about playing today's game.

I'm going to tell you the story of the first time I fell in love. You guys wanted to hear more stories of my ex-girlfriend, so I'm going to tell you the story of the first time I fell in love. I have to use a pseudonym for this girl, and as always, it's going to be a pseudonym from a heavy metal band in the 1980's. Uh, they're still active today, I think. I’m talking of– I'm going to tell you the story of my ex-girlfriend, the first girl I ever fell in love with, Lars Ulrich.

Um, so, you know, I had- I dated a lot in high school, and I got dumped by a lot of girls in high school and I certainly, um, you know, I certainly liked a lot of the girls I dated in high school, but I don't think I was ever really in love until I got to college. But I actually met Lars Ulrich before college. I met Lars Ulrich in high school, when I was, uh– One summer, when I worked for CompuServe. This was in the very early days of the Internet, this is back when people used their real names on the Internet, uh, and not only did we use our real names–

(1:18) [SWI - #9 J. Green 9’] BALD JOHN GREEN. HERO TO MANY. Bald John Green, show me your mustache! What a great goal! That’s right, celebrate with your friends and the fans. I think those are Brentford fans, because they seem sad. Uh, maybe it’s just cause it’s raining. Look at that Bald John Green, he’s such a finisher!

So, um, so, I met Lars Ulrich on the Internet, uh, I– she also spent a lot of time on CompuServe, I mean, this was back in the day when, this was like, 1993, I guess? So, you were kind of inherently cool if you were on the Internet, I mean, by cool I mean really nerdy, and- and it made the Internet a more fun place in some ways to, uh– to meet people because everybody who was on the Internet had a certain level of, like, technical proficiency and nerdiness that made them– it wasn’t like ANYBODY could get on, you know? So it meant that, like, it was just a– it was a better place to meet people, um, but yes, I met my first major girlfriend on the Internet before meeting girls on the Internet was a thing.

Um, so, Lars Ulrich and I, we just became friends through talking on CompuServe and, and– over the course of several years, really, um, we began, you know– we began to talk on the phone occasionally. But it’s really important to note that I had never– this was, I mean, look– it took, like, THREE DAYS to download a picture, you know? There were no digital cameras. Very few people had scanners, and so–

(2:49) Other John Green. [SWI - #11 J. Green 22’] Finisher. Uh, both John Greens have had goals, and the John Greens hug each other. It says J. Bennett, but we know he’s J. Green. Um, you know, it’s just another– it’s just another standard Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers goal right there. Just using strength and power to beat the crap out of your opponents.

Um, so, I had never seen a picture of Lars Ulrich, and Lars Ulrich had never seen a picture of me, like, she’d described herself to me using text. I remember she said, she was like, “I have eyes like a cartoon character, like, they’re way too big for my head (pronounces it wrong).” My head? I was trying to say both “head” and “face” in that sentence. Anyway, she said that she had eyes too big for her head–

(3:30) Awwww, we closed down the angle.

So, um, and it turned out that was totally true. She did look a little bit like a cartoon character, but an adorable cartoon character. Anyway, so, eventually, one spring break, my freshman year of college, I drove, uh, to–

(3:47) Oh, Bald John Green, you gotta finish that.

I drove to where she lived– where Lars Ulrich lived, and I met her in a parking lot. *laughs* Um, uh, I don’t recommend any of this, by the way. The Internet was very different in those days–

(4:00) [SWI - #21 F. Bolzoni 30’] Other John Green– Nope! Bolzoni? I don’t even know what your first name is, Bolzoni. Bolzoni? I’m so proud of– I’m so proud to see someone other than John Green score a goal. Look at Bolzoni. He’s a finisher. He’s always been a finisher. I like– I like him. I might put him up front in the second half if he doesn’t watch himself, because I just like the cut of his jib.
Um, so yeah, we met in a parking lot. And… She was super, super cute. It was– the exact opposite of what I had expected, I mean, I had no idea what this girl was really like, you know, I– I mean, I knew– I knew, I thought she was cool, and I knew that she was very, very smart, and that she, um, that she was really funny and a good writer, but I– I didn’t know anything else about her. And that was a really interesting– at the time, not many people had met, uh, their friends that way, let alone their girlfriends, and so it was a really interesting way to meet someone, um, but it– it worked really well for us. And on some level I think, because–

(5:01) Oh no. [BRE - #10 C. MacDonald 38’] Ugh. I just got disorganized because I was telling the story of Lars Ulrich, and then Fat Lucas, he couldn’t come through. He’s disappointed in himself. Look at that. You can see it on his face. You know, that’s just, what was I– what was I d– Ugh. I apologize to all the fans of Swindon Swoodilypoopers, and all my players, that– that one’s 100% on me. No one’s to blame for that but me. And a little bit Fat Lucas.

Um, so– Uh oh, now I’m just not playing well. So, um, it was a really– What I liked about– What I liked about meeting Lars Ulrich that way, is that, instead of it being immediately about, like, there has to be this romantic, physical connection– that didn’t have to come first on some level, which was, I think helpful for us, and like, frank–

(5:46) Oh no. What is happening to my team? [BRE - #10 C. MacDonald 43’] What? We are completely disorganized in the back! Fat Lucas! What? This is not like you. Okay. We’re gonna get better. I’m sorr– I want to apologize to everyone. I really need to find a way to win this game. Another thing that I haven’t mentioned is that, uh, in order to win the league, Swindon Town really cannot lose or tie any of their remaining games. Um, so, the Swoodilypoopers need to pretty much have a perfect record, and we also need Sheffield Wednesday to screw up a little- What? What is going on? This is insanity.

So, um, it was helpful to me because I didn’t have a lot of confidence in myself, like, I didn’t think that I was an attractive guy. You know, I didn’t think that people liked me. I didn’t think that I was the kind of guy who could date cool girls– I just didn’t think very highly of myself. And, um, it gave me a level of confidence, because I already knew that Lars Ulrich kinda liked me, you know, cause I already knew that she was funny, like– I’ve always been better on paper, to be frank with you, than I am, you know, IRL. I’ve always been a better writer, and even video blogger, than I am, you know, as a human. So, uh, so, it gave me a big advantage when I was first meeting Lars Ulrich, that our relationship existed primarily–

(7:00) *game freezes* Well, that– That’s an unusual turn of events. Okay, we’re back.

Um, that our relationship existed primarily, um, like, on the phone and textually. And anyway, we fell in love. And, and we dated for almost three years. Um, and, um, it was really–

(7:22) Other John Green. [SWI - #11 J. Green 51’] You know, the John Greens, they just, they love to finish together and then they love to hug. They just– Bald– Uh. So much fun. So much fun when John Green connects with John Green for a beautiful John Green goal. Great stuff. 4-2, Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, our momentary defensive collapse has seemed to have gone unpunished.

So, um, uh, so we– we– You know, we fell in love and we had this long distance relationship that was never anything but a long distance relationship, but like I said, that was really good for me in a lot of ways because–

(7:52) Oh? [SWI - #25 L. Williamson 54’] OH! SOMEONE OTHER THAN A JOHN GREEN SCORES AGAIN! IT’S L. WILLIAMSON! Wow. We are just– We’re dominating. Just dominating this.

Um. I’m just, I– I, like– You know, it was a great relationship and we really, really, uh, we were really, deeply in love for a long time. But then, you know, in the way of things, she dumped me. Because that’s what girls do *laugh* when they date me, is they dump me. Every girl I’ve ever dated has dumped me. Someone asked me to tell stories about when I was the dumper, but that’s never happened.

(8:24) Um, L. Williamson? [SWI - #25 L. Williamson 58’] He finishes. Wow, I mean L. Williamson– it’s 6 to 2! L. Williamson, I uh– You were– I didn’t even know you were on my team until like 10 seconds ago and now you have two goals!

Um, uh, so– So she dumped me. Um, it was a complicated breakup, but it basically boiled down to the fact– I mean, I was, I was a tough guy to date, and then– because I had a lot of, you know, emotional problems and stuff, but then also there was another boy involved that, that, that didn’t live far away from her and so, you know, could, hang out with her on a more regular basis, which I think that she probably liked and needed. Um, and then, um, you know, it was also getting to that point in a relationship where, we’d been dating a long time, and it was pretty clear that we weren’t gonna get married, like, we just had– our families were very different and didn’t really get along that well, and, there were lots of contributing factors.

Um, anyway, she became a professional mascot, uh, that’s what I wanted to tell you, uh, she was the mascot at her college, Lars Ulrich, and then she became a professional mascot. And she did that for a living for quite a while, although she now does something else and does it very well, and has become, like, very successful, and I think she has three kids, and she, you know, she is happily married and has a wonderful life, and I’m, you know, like– The great thing about being an adult is that then you can be quite happy for these, uh–

(9:43) [SWI - #9 J. Green 67’] Oh, what a goal! Off his back foot, Bald John Green proves his absolute superiority and then he goes and hugs L. Williamson, who’s just had a great day. So proud of all these guys. It’s seven– Oh, oh, oh, that would have been a great replay. I’m sorry that I hit A, guys, I apologize to all Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers for hitting A there.

So, um, ugh, ughhh. Frustration. Um. So yeah, she has gone on to have a wonderful, um, a wonderful adulthood, but that– That was probably the hardest breakup of my life, like, I don’t think I’ve ever been more devastated. There were a lot of other problems– Great save, Fat Lucas– there were a lot of other–

(10:20) [BRE - #4 M. Bean 71’] Ugh! Fat Lucas! It’s like, Fat Lucas just isn’t having a great day, like, admittedly, I’m terrible on defense, um, because I just like to run at other players and then run past them, and I never clear the ball, I admit that I am terrible on defense, but still, I think Fat Lucas has not had his best day. Um, regardless, I do think we’re going to come out with a win here.

So, um, it was just devastating, man, I mean, that was, that breakup– I, that breakup and the breakup that involved the, um, the loss of custody of Pants the cat, um, were both really, really hard on me and I think, kinda had, like, kinda in some ways, had a long term effect on the way I view myself and like, my– a lot of my ongoing problems that I ended up having, just because it was, you know– when you really care about someone, uh, you, it becomes very personal when they don’t want to date you anymore. Even if you can realize that there are a lot of factors involved, um, it can become really difficult.

So, it was a hard breakup with Lars Ulrich, um, the professional mascot *laughs*. But, it, uh, it did all work out in the end. So, something that I’ve been thinking about, and a lot of people were asking for dating advice after my previous ex-girlfriend stories, since obviously, I– you know, I’m so good at dating.

(11:37) Um, and– We cannot give up another goal. This situation is ridiculous! What is going on? At least Fat Lucas made a save there. I just– maybe he’s not good in the rain? Maybe he gets anxious in the rain? I know that sometimes I feel that way. You know, you don’t wanna be– Even if it is your job to play professional soccer, you don’t wanna just be hanging out in the rain all day, it’s boring. So, um– Great, that’s just great *laughs*That’s just great John Green football right there.

Um, so, I can’t give good relationship advice, obviously, since I’ve only been in the one good relationship, and I’ve, you know, consistently gotten dumped by the girls who dated me, I mean, even my wife dumped me. Sarah and I broke up, like, we went on like, two dates, and then she was like “I’m not interested in you,” but then she got interested again after I spent, like, eight months writing her emails. Like I said, I’m better on paper. But, my overall relationship advice is this: It’s very helpful to remember that it, it will pass, that like, the good times and the bad times both will pass. At least it’s very helpful for me–

(12:38) [SWI - #11 J. Green 90’] Other John Green hugging Bald John Green, because Other John Green has just scored. He’s biiig, he’s touuugh, he has a brilliant puuuuff, Other John Greeeen, Other John Greeeeeen. So proud of him, he’s had a great game. Even a better game than Bald John Green. Bald John Green’s kinda been in the background today.

Here’s my, here’s my relationship advice in a few words: it will pass, it will get easier, um, but, the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain, they’re doing you a disservice, and when you try to minimize your own pain, you’re doing yourself a disservice, so don’t do that– Oh, look at that mustache! Oh, what a great view of the mustache! Um, you know, the truth is that, um, that it hurts because it’s real, and it hurts because it mattered, and that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better, because it will.

We’re gonna have a hard time fitting in all the highlights because there were a lot of them. Uh, we won eight to three. There were eleven goals in this game, I’m trying to bring you some high-quality, high-octane entertainment. Four games left in the Swindon Town Swoodilypooper season. Will we win League One? Can we beat Manchester United at the FA Cup Final in Wimbly Stadium? Only time will tell. I will see you next time– actually, I won’t see you, but you’ll hear me next time, here on Hankgames in which John plays FIFA. As always, Best Wishes!

[vs. Brentford W 8-3

SWI: #9 J. Green 9', 67'; #11 J. Green 22', 51', 90'; #21 F. Balzoni 30'; #25 L. Williamson 54', 58'

BRE: #4 M. Bean 71'; #10 C. MacDonald 38', 43']