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At Vidcon 2015, we pulled some friends together to talk about consent in relationships! Kat Blaque, Skittlez, and Lindsey Doe join us to talk about what exactly "consent" is. This is a term you may have heard thrown around a lot, but what does consent look like in action?

THIS WEEK'S CALL TO ACTION is simple! What do you think about what we've talked about today? How do you define consent? When does consent get murky?

Engage by Uplift tackles the difficult issues surrounding sexual abuse that the YouTube and online communities face. We're starting real talk for real change.

Each week, our host Kat Lazo discusses abuse and how it manifests in virtual spaces. Watch and collaborate with us through weekly calls to action, and join in with some of your favorite YouTubers as they consider the issues in round table discussions.


Panelists:
Kat Blaque: https://www.youtube.com/user/TransDIYer
Skittlez: https://www.youtube.com/user/SkittLeZMusicTV
Lindsey Doe: https://www.youtube.com/user/sexplanations

Hosted by Kat Lazo: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheeKatsMeoww

Directed by Kelly Kend: http://kellykend.com/

Discussion questions by: Katie Twyman, Mallery Mohn



Real talk for Real Change. #EngageUplift
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Kat Lazo: Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Engage by Uplift. I'm Kat, also known as TheeKatsMeoww, and I am here with Kat Blaque, Skittlez, and Lindsey Doe. Today we'll be tackling consent. How do you all define consent?

Lindsey Doe: There is a very direct form of it that is a verbal yes or a signed yes and then I would say that most of the consent that we give each other is non-verbal. And so in relationships what I suggest to people is that they establish a direct form and then work through the nuances of non-verbal consent as the relationship becomes more and more intimate.

Kat Blaque: I guess I always look at consent as very direct. I mean, I personally don't like blurred lines, you know, 'cause at least for me, when I have talked about sex with men it's always been very: "This is what I'm doing, this is what I'm not, if you're not interested in that, we're not gonna get, get, get with it." We have to be on the same page or there is no page.

Skittlez: Mm, yes. Sorry, I have to just. Yes.

Kat L: How does "yes means yes" and "no means no" -- how do they differ?

Lindsey: I think that the difference between "no is no" and "yes is yes" is that if the person doesn't say no, that doesn't mean that they're saying yes - there needs to be a yes in order for there to be consent. The absence of a no is not the presence of a yes.

Kat B: I'd also make the point, though, that there are situations (and I think this may be where it gets a little sticky) where you say yes but not because you want to, but because you think that that's the way to survive. I've definitely been in situations where I've done things with men because I knew that if I said no, it could mean violence.

Lindsey: No is a hard thing to say, first of all, and then it's even harder to sustain. To say, "no, no, no, no" because after a while as, if you're being victimized, or even as a bystander, your - that helplessness kicks in. Okay, I can't say no to you.

Kat L: So I think that one of the biggest critiques of consent is that if you practice verbal consent, it's gonna kill the mood. What do you say to that?

Kat B: I am very, like, "Yes, give it to me this way." Of course I like to be seduced, and I do like, you know, the very in the moment thing when we know each other, not with strangers. I think that sex, relationships, everything should all be about communication. And if you're not having that communication, then there are things that can happen and I think, you know, especially within the conversations that we're having right now about sexual assault and rape, you just, you have to be aware of it. You have to just have the communication.

Lindsey: I will put out there that as a sexologist there are multiple studies with evidence that shows people who communicate have better sex lives. It's easy!

Kat B: I mean, that's why my sex life is what it is.

Kat L: Like today, you know, twenty-five year old Kat I'm like, yeah I'm gonna tell you what I want, how I want it, and when. But I'm thinking, "Geez, when I was like 16, I probably was like really shy and I probably would have assumed that if did practice consent enthusiastically maybe a guy would have thought I was a slut.

Lindsey: I think you have to know what you want and so at least with my channel, Sexplanations, the goal is to give them the verbal tools in order to sort through their minds and then communicate, "Oh, this is my ideal situation for sex, this is my common ground (what I can share with another person) and then these are my hard limits, what I won't do with another person."

Kat B: I think a big part of that is also demystifying conversations around sex, you know, we have to have these conversations, maybe they're awkward, maybe they're uncomfortable, but a lot of people get into really bad situations because you know they didn't have sex-ed or they didn't have these conversations - and so, now, here they are.

Kat L: How do you know when someone is too intoxicated to have sex?

Lindsey: If you're questioning whether or not they're too intoxicated to have sex.

Kat B: I think that's a good sign to not have sex with them. Drunk sex is not fun. Like, it's just not. It's not cute.

Lindsey: I think with alcohol, people have this fear of, "Oh my gosh, if I drink, or this person drinks, then I'm not going to get to have sex, it's like it takes something away from them. And so what I would rather see is that they - be drunk. Okay? Have that period, and then you get to have sex later if you want to and the other person consents.

Kat L: But does that kill the mood? I'm sorry I may be going off, but does that kill the mood?

Lindsey: Cooked meals are great meals. When you go to the store and you've picked out those ingredients and you come home and you prepare it and set out a nice environment, that is a great meal.

Kat B: I love that analogy.

Lindsey: It's much better than being starving and then just putting a corn dog in your mouth. I mean, corn dogs, they have their moments, but I think that if people stop messing with the taboo of human sexuality and they treat it like the other areas of their lives, then they will- it will be better. It will be a better part of their lives.

Kat L: Thank you so much for sharing your voices. We've had a good time, and we've covered some very difficult topics. Thank you again.

All right, that's a wrap for this week's episode. Comment down below or if you're on Twitter use the hash tag EngageUplift. If you found this video helpful, make sure to thumbs up, and while you're at it, why not subscribe? For all the resources in this video, or to learn more about Uplift, make sure to check the description box down below. That's it for today! Bye!