Hello and welcome to Hankgames Without Hank. My name is John Green and it's the FA Cup. It's our competition. We're the reigning FA Cup champions but today we're taking on QPR: a very good team. A very good team, indeed. They're in the league above us, and we're on world class skill level, but we're fielding our best boys and hopefully it'll be all okay.

(0:19) Meredith is going to ask me... I'm going to do... We're doing a Google Autofill today where I am going to answer one of the most pressing questions available to people who have Google: Who would win in a fight between... and then we're just going to go through the alphabet and they're all going to be solid gold because, uhm, yeah. And then I'm going to definitively tell you the answer. Look at that beautiful ginger mop. I'm going to definitively tell you the answer.

(0:42) Is not Ashley Boroughbridge the most English name in the history of English names? By the way, QPR stands for Queen's Park Rangers. They're actually not soccer players, they're a group of, uhm, of, uh, soldiers. Elite soldiers who patrol Queen's Park, keeping it safe. Uhm Queen's Park, of course, is a park inside the palace of Queen Elizabeth the second. Is she the Queen Elizabeth the first? Third? The first was Shakespeare's queen. Is it the third? Is she? I'm so good at English history.

(1:14) Ya Bamba, is starting out on the wing today. (Sings) Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba.

(1:19) Alright. Meredith. "Who would win in a fight between a lion and a tiger?" That's easy. It would be a lion. There's no question. Uhm, that's not really even a particularly challenging way to start this. Definitely a lion.

(1:34) Uhm, B? Batman and Spiderman? Are you kidding me? Spiderman has actual superpowers. Batman is just a wealthy person. It's always been weird to me that like, Batman is held up as the defender of the 99% when he is, in fact, like, gotten all of his fancy gadgets on the backs of the proletariat. Uhm, yes, Spiderman. No question. He's nerdy. He's hot. He's hooking up with Emma Stone. Spiderman.

(2:04) What's next? Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. I mean for all the Chuck Norris jokes, Meredith, I think you'll agree with me here, there's lots of Chuck Norris jokes, you know, I don't remember any of them, but it's all about how strong Chuck Norris is. Meredith, do you know any? Give me one. What's the difference between Chuck Norris and a bridge? No one crosses Chuck Norris. Yes, that's good. Uhm, exactly. All those jokes... for all those jokes, I mean, if you've ever seen Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck- did I just call it Walker Texas Janger or something? Oh god! Everything worked out better than expected thanks to the hard work of our referee Ashley Boroughbridge. Uhm yeah, obviously... I don't think Chuck Norris is even that tough. I think it's just, like, a cliche.

(2:54) Bruce Lee, on the other hand, was super freaking tough. That said, right now Chuck Norris would win the fight because Bruce Lee is deceased, which is a massive disadvantage. But like, in their primes, Chuck Norris v Bruce Lee? No question. No question. It's Chuck Norris. It's Chuck Norris all the way. Speaking of all the way... That was a terrible pass to Ya Bamba. I'm not sure what you were thinking.

(3:15) Alright, what's next Meredith? Who would win in a fight between Deadpool and Wolverine? Uhm, Wolverine. 'Cause of the claws and Hugh Jackman. Have you ever thought about how the fact that Hugh Jackman's name kind of makes you think... is kind of very similar to Huge Assman? Uhm, I think about that every time somebody says Hugh Jackman because it's Hugh-J. The Huge is there. And then it's just Ackman instead of Assman. It's so close. His name is so close to being Huge Assman. If his name was Hugh Jasman, his name would literally be Huge Assman.

(3:53) Sorry, was that what you wanted me to talk about? Or was it something else? Does he have a big butt, though? No? He has big abs. I haven't really... I haven't really... I have taken a close look at him but I do find him attractive. I do think he's super cute.

(4:08) Oh god. Great defense there. And then look, it's tiny little Kaz. Oh, tiny little Kaz gets dispossessed. Have you ever seen a smaller soccer player then Kaz? No! No! Everything worked out better than expected. Seb Brown, inexplicably passing it out of the back and then yes, I was fouled. That was very naughty. They were just punching me on the back. Making me uncomfortable. Oh, I actually think he should have got a yellow card, actually Boroughbridge, because look how he was... he was taunt- he was pushing- Aw. He was making Buckminster Fuller very uncomfortable.

(4:37) What's my next line? I mean, what's my next question? Who would win in a fight between Eminem and Lil Wayne? Who would win in a fight between Eminem and Lil Wayne?! I don't know actually. I don't know that much about Lil Wayne. I mean, yeah. Lil Wayne- half of his name is Lil! So, that can't be good. On the other hand, I once- when I was a senior in high school, I don't know if I've ever told you this story, but when I was a senior in high school, I got my ass kicked by an eighth grader. I mean, I just got beat silly by this eighth grade kid. And he was like, three feet six inches tall, but he was just- he was like a raccoon or something. He just came at you!

(5:15) Um, yeah, I'm gonna say- I'm gonna say Eminem, although I hope that they don't get in a fight, because- I don't like to see real people fighting. It makes me sad.

(5:25) Alright, what's next- oh God, my passing is so terrible! I'm just not ready for world class skill level. Who would win in a fight between Freddy or- oh, Freddy or Jason, the er- the Nightmare on Elm Street or- or Friday the Thirteenth guys? Well, first off, full disclosure. I am terrified of horror movies, because the actual- Ya Bamba, what in the actual F? Because yeah- I know, I am also upset, Other John Green. That was a hideous pass from your friend Ya Bamba.

(5:51) Um, because the actual world is so terrifying and so horrifying, I don't know why I would intentionally try to scare myself further. Um. Yeah. Kaz, by the way, not having himself a good soccer game. Uhhh, that ball's out of bounds. Boy, we are- we are putting on a performance for the ages right now. Um, Kaz on the ball. Kaz on the ball.

(6:13) What was the question? Who would win in a fight between Jason and Freddy? So I've never actually seen either of them in a film, but both of those movies, just based on their premises, sound horrifying! Like, don't- oh, God. Ya Bamba! Oh, you're playing like actual John Green. Like, me, in a professional soccer game! Oh, God. Panic! Get on the right side of him! Great defense. Oh, that was fantastic from Callum Kennedy! Meredith, what a handsome lad he is.

(6:40) It's half time. Nil nil and frankly, we're lucky that it's nil nil. Um, Meredith thinks it would be Jason from the er- Friday the Thirteenth movies, but the thing about Freddy is that you just don't dream and you can avoid him, but with Jason, he's there all the time, right? Yeah. I mean, I'm gonna go with the guy where I can just, you know, take some meth and- at least have a week off. Was that a good meth joke? I don't much about meth, but I heard that it keeps you awake.

(7:09) Alright! (laughs) This is a very weird episode of the Wimbly Womblys from- I apologize! I don't know what's gotten- oh, God! Oh, God! No! Oh, it's Loïc Rémy. Oh, boy. Meredith, we're in big trouble. We might be out of the FA cup. This is a moment for Huge Assman. Sorry. That's the last time I'll make that joke. I just always thought it was funny.

(7:36) What's my next- what's the next one? Green Arrow and Hawk-eye? Er, Green Arrow, no question. That's not even hard.

(7:42) what's next? Hulk and Wolverine? What's this obsession with er- absolute obsession with comic book characters! Hulk. Not even close. He's the Hulk, for God's sakes. I mean, have you seen the Hulk? Even when he's not being played by that, er, that Mark Ruffalo fellow, the Hulk is the Hulk.

(8:03) Oh, God. We are just getting out butts kicked. Oh, God! Seb Brown! Ohhhh. Alright, we gotta fin- Seb, are you serious? It's like I can't- it's like- when you go to world class skill level, they no longer- there's no longer any passing assistance. Uh, and so you have to actually aim in the exact right direction, and I'm not good at that. So it's like going back to two thousand- oh! To 2009 Wimbly Womblys.

(8:28) Oh boy. How about- can you pass to that guy? Thank you. Finally, Ya Bamba's on the ball. Everything's gonna be fine. He's gonna pass out to Callum Kennedy, he's super fast. Puts it back to Ya Bamba. Into the middle. I love it! I love the way you're playing, fellas! Bald John- no. Dang it! That was like Bald John Green's first touch in the entire game. But Bald John Green tracks back because that's who he is. He's a big courageous man.

(8:52) Oh, that's a definite foul! How is that- in what universe is that not a f- oh, we're just not as fast as QPR, guys. Like, they just- they have pace, and everything that we lack. And I just drove around the ball. Girls just wanna have Fundingsrud struggling on defense, and now it's- now we're in big trouble. But we have Seb Brown.

(9:11) What's next, Meredith? Iron man and Spiderman. That's actually relatively difficult. But again, billionaire with no actual superpowers versus dude with actual superpowers. I- I'm gonna go with Spiderman, but can I just say, as an aside, what it says about sort of- the contemporary um, contemporary capitalism, that the likes of Spiderman and uh, Green Arrow and like, proper superhe- you know, proper superheroes. They are less popular now than the billionaire superheroes, who aren't actually superheroes, they're just billionaires.

(9:51) But like, that's where we put our power as a social order now, it's not in the idea of magic or even in the idea of science. Like, Spiderman is really like, he's a product of science. No. We put our ideas in the- we put our power and our love in some ways, our worship, in the hands of billionaires. I find that fascinating.

(10:13) What's the next one? Jackie Chan and Jet Li? Must I pick?! Uh, no, it's Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan- usually kind of a comedy guy, but like- I think we all know, you don't wanna get in an actual fight with- it's gotta be! And it is! It is! Oh, we just came back because of Francombstein! (sings) He did the mash, he did the monster mash, the monster mash. (talks) He's not actually a monster though, he's a doctor who made a monster! I don't know why people get that mixed up. Francombstein saves our butts.

(10:44) Hey, Meredith. (sings) one nil down to one up, that's the way we're gonna win the cup! We were one nil down, we're gonna win two one, that's the way we're gonna get it done! (shouts) come on boys! Get it done!

(11:01) Seb! Seb! Seb! Goddddd, SEB! Seb! Oh, he was offside (laughs). Oh, thank you Ashley Boroughbridge! Oh, Ashley Boroughbridge with the call of the century!

(11:12) What's next, Meredith? King Kong and Godzilla. Another difficult one. Godzilla. Not difficult.

(11:19) Um, what's next? Who would win in a fight between a lion and a bear? Now that's actually interesting, unlike a lion and a tiger. I think it depends on the bear. Polar bear, polar bear wins. Grizzly bear... Well, might be- might be an extremely bloody draw- sort of mutually fatal draw.

(11:36) Um. Girls just wanna have Fundingsrud, girls just wanna have Fundingsrud... Yeah! Great defense, boys. Alright, let's win this game. Eightieth minute, let's find a way. Let's find a way to win. Pass to your husband, you love him so much! Through to Francombstein! Oh, it didn't get through! I probably should have lifted the ball into the air using the RB button. Ohhh, boy.

(11:57) Meredith, what's next? Who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Are you freaking kidding me?! The most important video game character in the history of the world, or a blue hedgehog! I mean, come on! Sonic. (laughs) No, just kidding. Mario, obviously! Get your heads out of your- Huge Assmans. Sorry, I did have one more in me, it turned out.

(12:20) Oh no! Ohhhh, everything has fallen apart and the world is broken and we're not going to move forward in the FA cup. We're out in the quarter finals, noooo. Noooo! Nooooooooooo! Ohhhh. God, it went right through Seb's torso! His beautiful, flawless torso that brought us into the football league by saving two penalties against Luton Town and now everything is broken and there's no hope.

(12:52) Alright, let's just- we gotta try to find a goal - we're gonna go all out attacking and just try to find a goal. It's all we can do. We haven't had a corner kick this game, Meredith. We've had very little offense, it must be said. Alright, go! Get to the ball, get to the ball. Pass to that guy. Yep. The open one. Good job. Pass back to Bald John Green. Pass to Kaz. Kaz, first touch is so bad right now! Kaz! You're better than that, man!

(13:20) Ohhhh. I apologize to our supporters. We're out of the FA cup. Oh, no. Oh, no. This is brutal. This is not what I imagined- I'm so sorry. Um, all we can do is continue to fight in the league and um- yeah. Thanks for watching. Best wishes.