John: One, two, three!

Crowd: Good morning Hank!

John: It's... well, if yesterday was Thursday, and the day before yesterday was Thursday, then today must be... Thursday?

Crowd: It's Friday!

John: Oh, okay, it's Friday, it's Friday, January 26th. Thanks to the George Bruce Branch of the New York Public Library for participating. Let's get right to the survey.

Puppet (Sarah?): Describe a perfect day.

John: I wake up in the morning, write four thousand words, Sarah comes home from school, we have a sushi dinner together, and then we read until it's time to go to bed. Oh, and The Office is on, and I watch The Office, and Pam and Jim hook up. YES!

Puppet: Assuming... I don't remember the words. Assuming all things come to an end, how will humans go extinct?

John: Puppet, I'm with T.S. Elliot on this one; "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."

Puppet: So how're you feeling about kids these days?

John: I really want a baby. But where would we put one, Hank? Where are we going to fit a baby inside this apartment? Are we going to put it under the bed? I wanna have a baby. I wanna have a baby a lot; babies are adorable. I wanna have like sixteen of 'em, I want to have like a little army of babies!

Puppet: In this space, create your own question and answer it.

John: Puppet, the question is, "Pirates or Ninjas?" Ninjas! I just like how fast they strike.

Puppet: What does ambrosia taste like?

John: You know what ambrosia tastes like? It tastes like all the things you can't eat on Weight Watchers. Cheeseburgers, sugar cookies, regular freaking ice cream instead of, like, ice cream that's made out of air and human hope.

Puppet: If you were a cliché, what cliché would you be?

John: A dark and stormy night.

Puppet: What's your least favorite part of any given day?

John: I don't enjoy brushing my teeth.

Puppet: Do you enjoy science fiction?

John: I really like Kurt Vonnegut, um, and I also am a big fan of the short stories of Margo Lanagan.

Puppet: Cheese or chocolate?

John: Why did you just name two things I can't eat anymore? God, that's so mean!

Puppet: What was your first concert?

John: I think it might have been The Cure, in 9th grade with Davon Razor. I did like The Cure a lot.

Puppet: Where would you live if you could live anywhere?

John: North Carolina.

Puppet: Would you prefer invisibility or time travel?

John: Well, as you can see I already have the gift of invisibility; I'm wearing my invisibility cloak right now, so I guess I would choose time travel.

Puppet: If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what would it be?

John: A Malaria curing business? A We Only Sell Novels by John Green Store? Anyway, I'm not sure what the store would sell necessarily, but it would definitely be called The Blind Assassin in Your Pants. I'm sorry, I- I can't stop myself. Thanks to all the commenters for their great ideas.

Puppet: What's wrong with the world?

John: I, I really think the big problem, is, uh, people. You know, I mean puppets are a small problem, puppet; I'm, I'm not going to let you guys off the hook entirely, but, but people... we're the worst.

Puppet: Can I put this survey on my webpage?

John: You may. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.